[Help] how to cope the child abuse memories to start the new relationship?

  • KevinTruong

    Posts: 20

    Jun 19, 2016 3:26 PM GMT
    Hi!
    At first, I want to say sorry for my bad English.
    I got a child abuse when i was 10 years old by the * brother next door* it was happen until i turn 16, then i had to move to the city to get in a high school. All of my family and his family knew that but in their mind the action which the man was touching the boy's penis that just mean how he showed his love to this child. I know it is hard to believe but where i used to live in the rural area in Vietnam and gay people were just the drag queens who were singing in the music fair, nothing more.

    Now I am 26, I have moved to EU for studying. I though that could forget it but i can't. Every time, I want to have sex with the one who I loved, after the first that memory will appear in my mind, I have to stop the sex, althougt i really want it. If it still happens, i think that i cannot continue my relationship anymore, it is unfair to my boyfriend. I have tried to contact the Psychology doctor at my school but i am scare to talk about it.
    Could anybody here get the same situation and know how to cope with it
    Thank you so much.
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    Jun 19, 2016 4:09 PM GMT
    Only hope - start seeing a psychotherapist - psychiatrist or psychologist.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jun 19, 2016 4:26 PM GMT
    There is no reason to be afraid of seeing a doctor about this in the EU. It is the quickest was to learn how to put the negative thoughts behind you and enjoy the good things happening in your life now. See the doctor.
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Jun 19, 2016 5:47 PM GMT

    As others have said, see a qualified doctor that you are comfortable with. If he's a jerk and you don't like him, find a different one. There are good doctors and bad ones.

    It would also help to read up about male victims of child abuse as it relates to sexual dysfunction and guilt. Consider joining a forum for surviviors of male child sexual abuse.

    These are serious subjects that as you know can profoundly effect your life, the early you start getting comfortable with them within yourself and talking to someone else, the better it will be for you.

    What you are going through is pretty normal for the situation you are in and is also complicated and doesn't reflect badly on you. Sexual attraction and guilt are tricky issues and in young men are often, or perhaps always, formed early on in life.


    I have no experience personally with your situation, but i do have plenty of experience of learning how to cope with childhood trauma of other sorts and all i can say is the sooner you deal with it the better. And it's not just dealing with this one issue, it's learning to deal with all issues the way you would with a math problem or a question about philosophy, take a step back and try and be objective.

    Also as far as speaking to a pyschologist, most of them are bored and dealing with the same tired issues over and over again. They'd probably be glad to flex their mental muscles a bit with a more interesting problem.

    Just meet with a doctor and see what you feel comfortable with. You can always leave if you decide not to share at that moment.
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    Jun 20, 2016 2:38 AM GMT
    You must know. You need to know. You have to be convinced that you did nothing wrong. If you feel you've done something wrong forgive yourself and move on. I assure you you did nothing wrong. DO NOT LET YOUR ABUSER HAVE ANYMORE CONTROL OVER YOUR LIFE!

    You have someone in you life who loves you. Explain to him your situation. If he truly loves you he will help you through it.

    Have you ever cried it out? Have that talk with your boyfriend. Let him hold you in his arms as you have a good long cry. Take an entire afternoon if you must. Take a weekend. Just open up to your guy and let it all out. As you talk it out with him think of your words as vomit. Just as your stomach expells things that are bad for you and make you sick your words and tears will cleanse your mind and soul.

    You need someone who loves you not a psychiatrist. You need to be held and told you are worthy of love. Let your boyfriend be that guy for you. It will bind you two closer than ever.
  • Dynamo_spark

    Posts: 224

    Jun 20, 2016 7:07 AM GMT
    What you are referring to is not 'Child abuse' but 'Child Molestation'. I was molested many times as a child. Once in high school by an older student and then later by men much older than myself. You need to be strong in yourself. It is not easy to forget that your first sexual experience was not to your liking and not how you planned it. Try think of your partner when he makes love to you instead and try building a mental block, to block those bad childhood memories. In time you will develop a firm footing to keep those bad memories at bay. If you do not, you will live with them for the rest of your life and they will interfere with, not only your love life but with your everyday life as well.
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    Jun 20, 2016 9:56 AM GMT
    Hello there:

    I am truly sorry to read that you endured such experiences during your childhood and that they are affecting your ability to be intimidate with someone. I have worked for many years with clients that have experienced traumas similar to yours and what you described is not unusual among individuals with these past experiences.

    I agree with other posters that the sooner you find professional and/ or peer support group help, the sooner you can heal. One important suggestion for you now is to begin asking and addressing the following question: what do you think is preventing you from doing that now? Identifying these obstacles now can help you overcome them and get the help you need. If seeing an authority figure alone is not what you are ready for (given past experience with authority figures perhaps) , you can try a peer support or therapy group format. Being around and getting support from other peers with similar experiences can help greatly your healing process.

    Remember that HEALING does not mean the trauma is not there. It just means it no longer controls your life. My best wishes to you through your journey of self-discovery and self- journey. icon_smile.gif
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    Jun 20, 2016 12:28 PM GMT
    All excellent advice above. I was going to put a "+1" on the first, then realized that all the others following also warranted a +1.

    Seek professional help, as the other responders here have advised. If these experts are truly professional they will not judge or criticize you. If they should, seek elsewhere. In their field of medical care your experience is not uncommon. Feel no guilt - you are the innocent victim, not the cause.
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    Jun 20, 2016 1:31 PM GMT
    I'm very sorry this happened to you. I was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused by different family members. It has made my life very difficult, and I've spent my entire life learning to overcome the impact of what happened to me when I was young. I repressed a lot of memories and memories of the sexual abuse came flooding back to me one day. I told my entire family and we've only talked about it...once. I still see the abuser and he comes to family events. Besides the trauma of what happened, there is also the betrayal of those closest to you. They knew about it and did and said nothing. It's hard to trust anyone when those closest to you allow abuse to happen. The feelings of anger and guilt can be overwhelming.

    I can function pretty well sexually these days, but I still don't like anyone getting anywhere near my ass. There have been times in the past where I would freak out if anyone even touched me there. I've realized this is something I need to continue working on till I can be more comfortable.

    Talk to your partner about it. One thing you could try is talking through every element of your sexual encounter with him. Have him ask your permission to do certain things and tell him how you are feeling. It's possible to learn to let go of the negative feelings and guilt and enjoy your encounter with him. Go very slowly. Each time, try taking it a bit further with him. If he loves you, he will be patient and kind with you.

    And, as everyone else has said....therapy, therapy, therapy.
  • KevinTruong

    Posts: 20

    Jun 23, 2016 10:11 PM GMT
    Hi!
    Thanks for all your comments.
    Today I asked my boyfriend to sat down to listen my story, it was ready hard for me to talk about it with somebody in person but i did it. My boyfriend said that he was willing to help me get through it and would wait till i am ready.
    thank you so much for give me wonderful advise.
    Kevin
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 24, 2016 12:37 PM GMT
    KevinTruong saidHi!
    Thanks for all your comments.
    Today I asked my boyfriend to sat down to listen my story, it was ready hard for me to talk about it with somebody in person but i did it. My boyfriend said that he was willing to help me get through it and would wait till i am ready.
    thank you so much for give me wonderful advise.
    Kevin


    Kevin, I'm so glad you talked to your boyfriend about it. Does it feel like a weight has been lifted? Remember, one of the ways abuser silenced us was telling us to keep quiet or that no one would ever believe us. The more we talk about it, the more power we have over the abusers.

    Good luck with your journey and I'm glad your boyfriend is so supportive.