Honest, monogamous relationships?

  • italiano027

    Posts: 79

    Jun 20, 2016 12:16 PM GMT
    Why does it seem like the gay community is filled with guy who just want to party and have endless hookups like teenagers with no intentions of settling with one person... Or the "serious" relationships you do see, half of them are "open" relationships (maybe I'm kinda old school for my time but what the hell is the point of an open relationship? Lol).

    That bombarded with the fact that many if not most gay guys I've encountered or the "queen" type full of drama that get mad over everything... Or the gays that go to such an extreme to prove that they are masc and 'straight acting' and if you aren't this perfect magazine model with washboard abs they want nothing to do with you. It makes meeting people very difficult.
  • mwolverine

    Posts: 3382

    Jun 20, 2016 1:31 PM GMT
    It all depends where you look. If it's at the bars or on Grindr... then yeah, what do you expect?

    Living in a college town I almost forgot this. Sure, I have friends that have been together for 20+ years, but they've moved away. A couple nights ago I was out with friends in Chicago and it was almost all LTR couples. The hosts were together for 9 years, another couple 15 and 7. The other 2 couples I don't know. Not only that, but those first 3 couples had all gotten married!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 20, 2016 1:47 PM GMT
    relationships
    if you know what you want chances are you will find it. Be patient; the gay dating pool is limited and not the 10% Kinsey said it was. Yes the divorce rate is 50% but the other half; those successful couples remaining together for their whole life are remarkable in it self. Because life is a totally long winding road. Given enough time everything and anything can go wrong in a relationship. Your an angle if you can forgive your partner for something bad but keep in mind, given enough time, you too will do a more serious sin. Your relationship(s) are just as important as what your parents had have but Is this what you can process right now? the OP looks very young.

    everyone is sooo different. avoid sleeping in other people's beds, just not your business to be there.
    the drama queen is so bad, especially when you your self hit over load and your the dramatic one
    a lot to be said for men who are mostly handsome, kind, honest, devoted, educated and manage a career.


  • italiano027

    Posts: 79

    Jun 20, 2016 4:10 PM GMT
    pellaz saidrelationships
    if you know what you want chances are you will find it. Be patient; the gay dating pool is limited and not the 10% Kinsey said it was. Yes the divorce rate is 50% but the other half; those successful couples remaining together for their whole life are remarkable in it self. Because life is a totally long winding road. Given enough time everything and anything can go wrong in a relationship. Your an angle if you can forgive your partner for something bad but keep in mind, given enough time, you too will do a more serious sin. Your relationship(s) are just as important as what your parents had have but Is this what you can process right now? the OP looks very young.

    everyone is sooo different. avoid sleeping in other people's beds, just not your business to be there.
    the drama queen is so bad, especially when you your self hit over load and your the dramatic one
    a lot to be said for men who are mostly handsome, kind, honest, devoted, educated and manage a career.




    Who's kinsey? Lol and I'm 26
  • italiano027

    Posts: 79

    Jun 20, 2016 4:11 PM GMT
    mwolverine saidIt all depends where you look. If it's at the bars or on Grindr... then yeah, what do you expect?

    Living in a college town I almost forgot this. Sure, I have friends that have been together for 20+ years, but they've moved away. A couple nights ago I was out with friends in Chicago and it was almost all LTR couples. The hosts were together for 9 years, another couple 15 and 7. The other 2 couples I don't know. Not only that, but those first 3 couples had all gotten married!


    Well where does one meet others, especially gay people aside on dating sites or bars?
  • tazzari

    Posts: 2937

    Jun 20, 2016 4:51 PM GMT
    I've got gay friends who have been together for 3 to 46 years - so yes, it does happen. As to how to meet - in my personal experience networking and finding people with shared interests (other than booze and sex) both work. If you have good, solid friends, chances are, they'll have good, solid friends. I've even made three good friends here on RJ.

    Be yourself and don't settle for second best because he's available. Treat others with courtesy and respect, and you'll get courtesy and respect back.

    Good luck to you!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 20, 2016 5:21 PM GMT
    I mean... where exactly are you looking and do you think your standards are reasonable? I'm not suggesting that they aren't, but we've got to take at least some responsibility for choosing to be single.

    Also: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alfred_Kinsey
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 20, 2016 6:12 PM GMT
    Finding someone you're compatible with is hard. That's why when you find someone, you should hold on to them and fight through the tough times together, doing whatever you can to preserve the relationship or even a friendship. For some guys, opening up their relationship IS their way of trying to preserve a relationship where the love is strong but maybe the sex/sex compatibility is not.

    As for the promiscuity, most guys, when they find what they want will find a way to come back to that guy. It may take them awhile and a lot of guys to figure things out however. But as guys get older, many of them settle down. You just have to be patient enough to find the guys who are at the same place in their life as you, which can be hard if you figured things out already in your 20s. Most guys don't figure it out until their late 30's/early 40's or later from my experience but there are tons of exceptions.
  • italiano027

    Posts: 79

    Jun 20, 2016 8:15 PM GMT
    U_K_Y saidI mean... where exactly are you looking and do you think your standards are reasonable? I'm not suggesting that they aren't, but we've got to take at least some responsibility for choosing to be single.

    I'm looking online because it seems to be the only place to meet people living in a smaller town.. And no I don't have high standards. I accept all walks off life but many gay guys I've noticed are extremely picky and if you aren't a 20 on a scale of 1 to 10 they're not interested.

    Also: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alfred_Kinsey
  • italiano027

    Posts: 79

    Jun 20, 2016 8:18 PM GMT
    woodfordr saidFinding someone you're compatible with is hard. That's why when you find someone, you should hold on to them and fight through the tough times together, doing whatever you can to preserve the relationship or even a friendship. For some guys, opening up their relationship IS their way of trying to preserve a relationship where the love is strong but maybe the sex/sex compatibility is not.

    As for the promiscuity, most guys, when they find what they want will find a way to come back to that guy. It may take them awhile and a lot of guys to figure things out however. But as guys get older, many of them settle down. You just have to be patient enough to find the guys who are at the same place in their life as you, which can be hard if you figured things out already in your 20s. Most guys don't figure it out until their late 30's/early 40's or later from my experience but there are tons of exceptions.


    Most of my straight friends in their 20's seems to have figured it out... At least with relationships anyways and many of them are married or on their way to being married.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 20, 2016 8:47 PM GMT
    italiano027 said... Who's kinsey? Lol and I'm 26
    excellent, better you dont know.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 20, 2016 8:51 PM GMT
    italiano027 said
    woodfordr saidFinding someone you're compatible with is hard. That's why when you find someone, you should hold on to them and fight through the tough times together, doing whatever you can to preserve the relationship or even a friendship. For some guys, opening up their relationship IS their way of trying to preserve a relationship where the love is strong but maybe the sex/sex compatibility is not.

    As for the promiscuity, most guys, when they find what they want will find a way to come back to that guy. It may take them awhile and a lot of guys to figure things out however. But as guys get older, many of them settle down. You just have to be patient enough to find the guys who are at the same place in their life as you, which can be hard if you figured things out already in your 20s. Most guys don't figure it out until their late 30's/early 40's or later from my experience but there are tons of exceptions.


    Most of my straight friends in their 20's seems to have figured it out... At least with relationships anyways and many of them are married or on their way to being married.


    Yeah, but you have to remember that straight people have a different experience than gays and they mathematically have more options. I've lived in DC and now Austin and can assure you that there are A LOT of straight males in their 20's and 30's who are going from hook up to hook up. Tinder is just as popular to straights as Grinder/Scruff is to gays. And I have plenty of friends who got married in their 20's and are now divorced by their 40's. You'll find a guy in time. Hang in there.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 20, 2016 8:57 PM GMT
    Finding an "honest, monogamous relationship" in the gay community is like trying to find an Amur leopard anywhere in the world: it exists but it's exceedingly rare and critically endangered.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 20, 2016 9:14 PM GMT
    It's just not you OP. It's the way whole of gay community has been conditioned over the time, which makes guys think that settling for just one guy is some kind of sour grape thing. I have even seen backlash against guys who don't indulge themselves in drugs, promiscuity or hook up culture.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 21, 2016 3:22 AM GMT
    italiano027 said
    U_K_Y saidI mean... where exactly are you looking and do you think your standards are reasonable? I'm not suggesting that they aren't, but we've got to take at least some responsibility for choosing to be single.

    I'm looking online because it seems to be the only place to meet people living in a smaller town.. And no I don't have high standards. I accept all walks off life but many gay guys I've noticed are extremely picky and if you aren't a 20 on a scale of 1 to 10 they're not interested.

    Also: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alfred_Kinsey


    Where online? Like someone said earlier, if it's a site like Grindr, your odds of finding what you're looking for are a bit slimmer...
  • mwolverine

    Posts: 3382

    Jun 21, 2016 4:21 AM GMT
    Italanio027where does one meet others, especially gay people aside on dating sites or bars?

    tazzari saidAs to how to meet - in my personal experience networking and finding people with shared interests (other than booze and sex) both work.

    Do you bowl? Join a gay bowling league. Meet not just the bowlers, but also their friends.
    Maybe a gay choir or book club is better suited to you? Same thing.
    Religious? Join a gay church.
    Volunteer at a local gay charity/service/event.

    Granted, if you're in the middle of nowhere these are much harder to find.
  • mwolverine

    Posts: 3382

    Jun 21, 2016 4:28 AM GMT
    Let me add one more thought.

    If you're looking for quality, don't play the numbers game.
    Yes, there are 300 people at your fingertip on Grindr.
    And maybe your bar draws that many or more.

    Whereas the bookclub might only have a dozen and the bowling league a few dozen.

    A story from the wise men of Chelm:

    Yankel was walking home one day when he realized his valuable pocket watch was missing.
    Moishe saw him searching, heard what happened, and started helping.
    After a long time, Moishe asked Yankel: Nu, where was the last place you remember having the watch?
    Yankel explained: about 4 blocks that way, but the light here is better.

    The "light" may be better where the numbers are higher (at the bar, on Grindr) but (generally speaking) what you are seeking isn't there.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 21, 2016 6:10 AM GMT
    __morphic__ saidIt's just not you OP. It's the way whole of gay community has been conditioned over the time, which makes guys think that settling for just one guy is some kind of sour grape thing. I have even seen backlash against guys who don't indulge themselves in drugs, promiscuity or hook up culture.


    That's 'bang on the money' Morphic and I agree with the OP about the open relationship thing, or at least till an advanced stage of the relationship so that the reasons are sound for opening up not just the age old 'grass is always greener on the other side mentality' which is re-enforced throughout the gay media and community generally.

    Keep in mind italiano27 that this culture is likely to change IMHO and so you should 'stick to your guns' and you'll find what you want. Online wise try using apps like Hornet instead of Grindr for example. It's amazing to see two profiles of the same guy on each of those one very plainly looking for Mr 2nite (Grindr) and the other Hornet looking for Mr right. App's like Hornett are more conjucive to requiring more effort to get to know someone while Grindr requires less so more conjucive to an immediate hook up. There are other apps and sites like that so do your research and post how you get on with finding Mr Right.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 21, 2016 7:13 AM GMT
    I think it is a struggle to find a compatible mate particularly if people don't initially recognise you as gay. I was with my last BF for 13 years. He was in the armed forces. Good luck picking him out of a crowd.

    I've been with my current BF for almost 7 years. We met at the gym. I'm in a gay wrestling team just to find gay friends with similar interests.

    In short try and keep yourself happy and occupied. If you don't feel like you're getting your needs met change, move, whatever it takes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 21, 2016 1:56 PM GMT
    You have to churn through a lot of guys if you want to hook up every night. It's no mystery that it's easy to find hookups, because "hooker-uppers" need to find partners. You are the crack and they are the addicts.

    I know a whole lot more gay people that are single and not looking, or in long-term (mostly) monogamous couples than hook-up types. I understand it's easy to get the opposite impression, but it's really a matter of looking past the loud types that need dick and focusing on the quiet ones behind the mirror.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 21, 2016 3:45 PM GMT
    Yes, I agree it's tough out there. I am one that got stuff together quite early, as mentioned before in this post. I focused on developing my career straight out of college, bought my first house at 21, and felt like I have always been different to my gay peers. As a result now, at 38, I meet people, and even though people tell me I'm down to earth and so, I get the "I don't feel like I'm good enough for you" deal. I'm not on Grindr or ANY of the apps, I don't drink, so I don't really go to bars, so you can imagine, my options are REALLY limited. I do have to agree though... Keep doing what you like, and someone will come along. I travel (pleasure) a LOT, and maybe will find someone whom shares that and similar interests.

    Cheers,

    Sean

  • Jun 21, 2016 4:26 PM GMT
    icon_lol.gif...my brother....hahhahaaa....it goes to hetero's too.....when we young and most are not minded grew yet...our hormone are high..we like to try every thing..have fun ...enjoy
    ......but it helpicon_razz.gif ...as it makes yaaa at last chose your everlasting lovericon_rolleyes.gif
    .......it's an era for normal people ....but some people it's a life styleicon_wink.gificon_wink.gificon_wink.gificon_wink.gificon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 22, 2016 2:18 PM GMT
    I think most gays have commitment issues. They want to find the perfect one. If you're not hot enough or in their league, they won't date you. There are less superficial guys out there. Find those.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 22, 2016 4:21 PM GMT
    Because almost all gay men are traumatized from their childhood, and can't get over how much experimentation they missed out on in adolescence, so they're desperately trying to compensate through sex in adulthood. If gay guys all had one guy they could screw around with when they first discovered sex instead of looking to pornography, then finding a relationship would be much easier. Instead we attribute male connection through meaningless sex which is what we were exposed to intentionally. We are all delusional and still partially broken but aren't aware of it.

    The Queens and the Bros are all just people desperately trying to fit in and feel comfortable in their own skin, and figure out what the purpose of life is when you have a sexual orientation that doesn't naturally offer offspring, which distracts most people from their problems.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 22, 2016 5:53 PM GMT
    TO23 saidBecause almost all gay men are traumatized from their childhood, and can't get over how much experimentation they missed out on in adolescence, so they're desperately trying to compensate through sex in adulthood. If gay guys all had one guy they could screw around with when they first discovered sex instead of looking to pornography, then finding a relationship would be much easier. Instead we attribute male connection through meaningless sex which is what we were exposed to intentionally. We are all delusional and still partially broken but aren't aware of it.

    The Queens and the Bros are all just people desperately trying to fit in and feel comfortable in their own skin, and figure out what the purpose of life is when you have a sexual orientation that doesn't naturally offer offspring, which distracts most people from their problems.


    You may be right that a pattern of furtive fooling around or use of pornography is developed in adolescence and that the problem when we reach adulthood is a failure to move past the adolescent habits. But the decision to be promiscuous or monogamous is conscious and you perpetuate the problem by portraying everyone as a helpless victim.