"It's complicated" advice?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 21, 2016 3:22 PM GMT
    Hey guys. Some advice would be great. I'll try to make it short and to the point.

    So I've met someone who I grew to care about 3 years ago. We live together, and during those couple years we each had some kind of slip, or unfaithful screw ups.
    I had a talk with him a few months ago and he pretty much said he didn't identify as my boyfriend, but more of a brother. That being said I dropped any obligation I had for him and did my own thing. So I had a few hook ups.
    It was feeling awkward living with him and going about my own business so I told him I was moving out without the intention to cut ties with him.
    That's when he told me he didn't want me to leave and that he wants to continue the relationship exclusively.
    I want this to happen. I love him. I'm just conflicted because of what I've been doing recently with the hook ups. Also I know he has been talking to people online as well.

    Any advice?
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    Jun 21, 2016 4:43 PM GMT
    You need to have an open and honest conversation with him.

    Lay your cards on the table. You didn't think you were in a romantic relationship with him, so you were starting to look for that. Now that he's interested in pursuing further, you are also.

    Not that hard.
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    Jun 21, 2016 5:04 PM GMT
    kzen64 saidYou need to have an open and honest conversation with him.

    Lay your cards on the table. You didn't think you were in a romantic relationship with him, so you were starting to look for that. Now that he's interested in pursuing further, you are also.

    Not that hard.


    +1
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Jun 21, 2016 7:28 PM GMT
    GTPSean said
    kzen64 saidYou need to have an open and honest conversation with him.

    Lay your cards on the table. You didn't think you were in a romantic relationship with him, so you were starting to look for that. Now that he's interested in pursuing further, you are also.

    Not that hard.


    +1

    Gee, I don't know. I don't have a problem with open marriages or partnerships so long as both acknowledge the sanctity of the core commitment but to have that, you have to be in love. In my experience when you fall in love, you really don't want anyone but that guy. Monogamy may not last forever but honesty and openness must. It doesn't sound like either of you ever were in that place. Doesn't sound like love from the beginning though you say you love him. You two need to do some serious soul searching. What you describe sounds more like settling. I'm usually the first to say stay but in this case, I'm not sure you were or will ever have the burning love that is necessary to last.
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    Jun 21, 2016 9:49 PM GMT
    First step is to figure out what you want.
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    Jun 22, 2016 4:03 AM GMT
    Destinharbor said
    ...In my experience when you fall in love, you really don't want anyone but that guy. ...


    This^. To the extent those are not your feelings, you need to have a serious assessment of your and his feelings for each other.
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    Jun 22, 2016 12:51 PM GMT
    I don't know how to respond because you guys are pretty much right. I never had a problem telling him the wrongs I've done, but this particular time I don't feel the need to tell him about the past few months because we were not together. He and I have always talked about respecting each other's privacy, but at the sametime not being secretive.

    How does a couple comeback after so much distrust and disrespect from both sides?

    Edit: I do love this guy. After the crap we've been through I know I'd still want him. They call it stupid love.
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    Jun 22, 2016 1:37 PM GMT
    You need to figure if being in an exclusive relationship with him is REALLY what you want. Do you love him or just love the idea of being with him? Also you need to discern if his actions are representative of someone who only wants to be with and grow with you and not just for the moment. If he is saying that he wants to be with you and is still talking to people online, then he seems like that he just wants to keep you around and available to him as an option rather than the choice.
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    Jun 22, 2016 3:26 PM GMT
    Iokepa said... After the crap we've been through I know I'd still want him. They call it stupid love.


    Man, when you're in that stage of stupid/obsessed love. You have to let that fire burn out before you can truly let go and move on. That means, on your part, honest effort. If things end up badly, you can have your chin up! Knowing you were committed, and that the failure isn't yours. If you try to cut ties before that fire is out.. All you do is keep returning and slightly stoking the flames. That's worse than the possibility of ultimate failure. On the brighter side.. If his commitment is as strong as yours, you'll only see success. Everyone is allowed mistakes, and experiments, in their life. Relationships aren't exempt from that.

    Be wary that your option of moving out isn't forcing his hand at trying to make you stay. Dependancy can make people do crazy things. You have every right to be genuinely convinced that how he feels, and what he tells you is the truth.

    Best advice I ever got was to never make a life changing decision based on ANYthing or ANYone other than myself.
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    Jun 24, 2016 2:12 AM GMT
    KentuckyTuss said
    Iokepa said... After the crap we've been through I know I'd still want him. They call it stupid love.


    Man, when you're in that stage of stupid/obsessed love. You have to let that fire burn out before you can truly let go and move on. That means, on your part, honest effort. If things end up badly, you can have your chin up! Knowing you were committed, and that the failure isn't yours. If you try to cut ties before that fire is out.. All you do is keep returning and slightly stoking the flames. That's worse than the possibility of ultimate failure. On the brighter side.. If his commitment is as strong as yours, you'll only see success. Everyone is allowed mistakes, and experiments, in their life. Relationships aren't exempt from that.

    Be wary that your option of moving out isn't forcing his hand at trying to make you stay. Dependancy can make people do crazy things. You have every right to be genuinely convinced that how he feels, and what he tells you is the truth.

    Best advice I ever got was to never make a life changing decision based on ANYthing or ANYone other than myself.


    this. Don't stay together out of "convenience" or fear. One can still live seperately and navigate a relationship if you really want to.