Disappearing act

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    Jun 21, 2016 8:23 PM GMT
    I’ve just experienced what seems to be a current dating phenomenon: the sudden personality transplant and disappearing act (may need to think of a shorter name). I should point out that I’m not overly experienced with relationships. I came out pretty late and have only ever really like two guys, this one included. I can be flaky, scattered and lose interest quite easily. This, however, felt different; I met a guy who immediately felt like someone with a lot of relationship potential.

    We matched on Tinder almost two months ago while I was visiting a friend in another city. He started chatting to me, we exchanged numbers and spent the day texting and snapchatting. From that point on, we were talking pretty much all day, every day. I know this is common for lots of people but I wouldn’t even talk to my best friends that much. With him, it just seemed effortless and natural.

    He lived in a different city, but this is Ireland; nowhere is far away (in this case a 2.5 hour drive). He had the same job as me, had a similar family background, similar interests. I was still wary, as I rarely get this invested, particularly before having even met someone in person. We finally got around to meeting a couple of weeks later after constant messaging. I was very aware that I might have no interest when I saw him in person, and that he might not either. He even joked about leaving after a drink or two if it didn’t work out.

    We met, however, and it was great. The plan was that we would meet for a couple of hours and then he would go his friend’s house party that he had already planned on coming up to my city for. Instead, after we'd spent a few hours together, he invited me to go along with him, introducing me to all his friends. After, he came back to mine, we slept together. All great. I thought he might take off the next morning but he stayed with me all day long. The ‘date’ eventually ended up being 25 hours long. After I dropped him off he messaged straight away to say he’d had a great time.
    I’m not a subtle guy and I can’t be bothered playing games, so the previous night I told him (casually while in bed) that I was glad we’d finally met and I liked him a lot. He jokingly brushed it off and said I should be playing hard to get (or something along those lines). I shrugged it off and thought, ‘If he wants a chase, fine.’

    He didn’t make it a hard chase though. We continued to text and call each other all the time, usually initiated by him. The following weekend was a long one and I went to his city to spend a night with him. We got on great, spent the evening getting food and drinking. Although he never came out and said what he wanted, he left lots of hints that he thought it had potential; he said he told all his friends about me, told his brother about me, asked me if I wanted kids (that threw me a bit!) and generally spoke like we definitely had a future. He wanted to know all about my family, spent time looking through photos of them all.

    I won’t lie, we felt like a couple. We’d had a few drinks and I remember him suggesting (again, in a half-joking tone he often used) that maybe I had plenty of guys on the go. I laughed but then insisted, honestly, that I didn't. He already said before that he didn't in the period of time between us chatting first and meeting because he was waiting on "greener pastures" (which he said with a wink). So I figured he thought we were exclusive, which I was more than happy about. I felt genuinely excited at the prospect of a real relationship with him.

    Next morning he made me breakfast and I went to meet a friend and head back home. He seemed a little off but I couldn’t place it. From then on the texts were less frequent, and in one or two snaps from him that night I thought he almost looked upset. We continued to talk for the next week, but it didn’t have the same ease as before. Finally, we Skyped, chatted for a while, and I asked him about meeting up again. He made excuses for the next weekend and said we should just ‘play it by ear.’

    I’m not an idiot, that’s a clear fob off. And yet, compared to the way he’d been acting, it made little sense. I left it a week without talking to him to give him some space. Finally, I text and asked if we could Skype again for a chat. He made excuses before finally sending a blunt message saying that he had fun but wasn’t interested in a serious relationship right now, along with some more copy and paste nonsense about not being in a good ‘headspace.’
    I replied and said that was fine, I’d assumed something was up, but wanted to Skype simply because I felt he owed me a decent explanation.
    The following text is what really pissed me off. He said he was sorry if I felt he led me on, before saying “I think I’ve explained things adequately.”

    Suddenly the guy who wanted to know every detail about my life and wouldn’t go to sleep without messaging me good night was talking to me in a way that was both pissed of and bizarrely formal. I told him that was fine, but that I was disappointed with the way he’d approached it. No reply to that.

    Obviously I’m upset that it didn’t work out, but these things happen and I can accept that. If he had talked to me face to face (even on Skype) and explained himself clearly I would have been fine. I’m not so arrogant that I can’t accept that he wasn’t interested; I’d accept it, say it was nice while it lasted, and move on.

    But for him to go from intense talks about the future to blunt dismissal overnight is just bizarre. All I was given was a short, rude message. More than anything, its unfair because it leaves me with doubts and questions and no sense of closure. It almost seems like he’s angry at me over something, but I’ve no idea what it might be. It’s like he created unnecessary drama out of nowhere and made things far harder than they should be. I really want to call him or text him again and call him out on his nonsense, but then of course I come across as obsessed and that will get me nowhere. But it’s a shame that someone you grow close to and trust can flick a switch and turn into a rude idiot.

    I know other friends who have had this experience before – the sudden personality change in a person they’d liked. Is it common? Am I naïve to expect a bit of common decency? Or have I just missed a larger piece of the puzzle here?

    Also, congratulations if you managed to read all that! Appreciate any feedback.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 21, 2016 9:35 PM GMT
    did he own an AR-15?

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    Jun 21, 2016 9:44 PM GMT
    I think your experience is very common. Many people, male and female, enjoy the seduction phase of getting to know someone and will then cool things down when that phase is over. All of the texting and hints about future plans gives them that rush of intensity they crave. So you have to maintain a certain amount of ironic detachment--not being cold, but just not getting caught up in the game--during the beginning stages in order to avoid being hurt.
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    Jun 22, 2016 12:24 AM GMT
    pellaz saiddid he own an AR-15?



    The FBI found no evidence that the Orlando Terrorist had any profiles or accessed gay sites. This Liberal Myth was created to support the gun control narrative.

    Why hasn't Obama ordered the FBI to flag future gun purchases from people with closed investigations?
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    Jun 22, 2016 12:48 AM GMT
    Hey mate,

    I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you, however, this is not uncommon in the gay world.

    It's always tough when it comes to distance, because the "mystery" leading up to the first meeting is always a "rush", and some people thrive on doing what it takes to play with emotions, even sleeping with people. From your explanation, it sounds like this guy is just not emotionally mature... NEXT.

    I had a similar experience a few months ago... Same thing, guy and I talking... He was all excited about me, I about him. I genuinely wanted to get to know him and see where it goes, even though he was 1700 miles away. We skyped a lot, talked a lot on the phone, in attempt to get to know as much of each other as we could. First meeting was great... He revealed he was inexperienced. One thing led to another and we ended up in the act. My feelings didn't change, and I wanted to see him again. I think something got over him and he started flipping out, and then decided that now he has some experience under his belt, he "didn't know what he wanted." It was almost like, he was acting as though he's interested primarily so that he could sleep with me and no longer call himself inexperienced. I knew exactly what it was that made him feel insecure, but it was not something under my control. People like that don't deserve your time.

    The way I see it is that we're adults... If you don't want a relationship, tell me so. If all you want is a sex buddy, fine, tell me so... Then I could make a determination on my next move. People whom play mind games get completely X'ed out of my book... permanently.

    Don't beat yourself up over it. You will find your Prince Charming. You're VERY attractive, and your time will come.

    Cheers,

    Sean
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    Jun 22, 2016 12:51 AM GMT
    I read your entire piece carefully to try to find some sort of clue as to why this guy turned off so much after such a great start. The only guess I can offer...........could there have been anything in the sex that wasn't fulfilling to him? Was there by any chance something he wanted to do - expressed or not - that you weren't into? Or in your conversations - was there any point in time when you found that you weren't in synch with each other?
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    Jun 22, 2016 3:25 AM GMT
    Check in with God as Solar System Matrix, i.e. Chinese Astrology (yea, lunar, but still part of the solar system).

    Chinese Sexual Astrology by Shelly Wu, I recommend.

    As for Western Astrology, there may have been a transit or something that was in activation. Once the transit is over, people leave.
  • AMoonHawk

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    Jun 22, 2016 4:22 AM GMT
    typical of some guys ... track ... conquer ... move on

    sorry he sucked .. and not in a good way
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    Jun 22, 2016 5:59 AM GMT
    swimmersf saidI think your experience is very common. Many people, male and female, enjoy the seduction phase of getting to know someone and will then cool things down when that phase is over. All of the texting and hints about future plans gives them that rush of intensity they crave. So you have to maintain a certain amount of ironic detachment--not being cold, but just not getting caught up in the game--during the beginning stages in order to avoid being hurt.


    Cheers for this, kind of articulates what I assumed was going on. I suppose I'm always a bit detached so when something I'm genuinely excited about comes along I find it hard to hide it. I'll know for again, but I really wish these games didn't have to be played.
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    Jun 22, 2016 6:05 AM GMT
    Jockbod48 saidI read your entire piece carefully to try to find some sort of clue as to why this guy turned off so much after such a great start. The only guess I can offer...........could there have been anything in the sex that wasn't fulfilling to him? Was there by any chance something he wanted to do - expressed or not - that you weren't into? Or in your conversations - was there any point in time when you found that you weren't in synch with each other?


    This crossed my mind too, but to be honest it was more the other way around. He was a little... tame, maybe? And to quote Friends, he seemed to 'agree' with me a lot more than I 'agreed' with him. icon_lol.gif It didn't bother me at all; a proper connection takes time and I liked him enough to give him that time. I'm not sure how experienced he is; he doesn't attend gay clubs and has no hook-up apps, just dating apps. Which makes it more surprising that he likes to play games so much.
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    Jun 22, 2016 6:09 AM GMT
    GTPSean saidHey mate,
    From your explanation, it sounds like this guy is just not emotionally mature... NEXT.


    Nail on the head. He's three years younger, which maybe is a lot when you're in your twenties. And I completely agree about being honest with it; if it's just fun and nothing more, fine. I can deal with any scenario, just tell me up front so I'm not left scratching my head and blaming myself for something I probably had no control over anyway.

    Really appreciate everyone who took the time to read this and reply, I realise I rambled a bit!
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    Jun 22, 2016 2:36 PM GMT
    I understand your frustration a lot and you definitely should be annoyed, but I will give you my perspective from a 20 something year old: it's really hard to know what you want for some people, and I am definitely one of those guys, though I am respectful enough not lead people on to the extent this guy did. I think he did genuinely like you a lot, but sometimes the endorphin rush and pheromones actually take over your mind and make you believe you can have an exclusive relationship with someone, but then it subsides after a point and you become very afraid of what you signed up for. I can't even begin to tell you the number of times I have enthusiastically gone after something like it is was going to be everything I wanted, just to meet the person a first, second, or third time, to find out that it isn't what I wanted at all. I am a really creative guy and extremely fickle, and I tell anyone I date this all of the time.

    Being into guys and wanting a relationship is really hard because the sex and physical aspects is forced to be the center of everything in many cases, and it takes a very long time for a man in his teens and 20s to dissociate from all of that and uncover what he really desires.

    Instead of focusing on being a "couple", or having kids or whatever, focus on just growing your independent self. Find someone who will let you in to see where he is in that point in time and vice versa, and see if you're compatible to help each other grow. Sometimes having a weekend of fun with a connection is all someone needs. I met one guy and had an amazing connection with him two years ago and we immediately saw each other the next day and weekly, and then we got to know each other and we fizzled out and it ended very bitterly and quickly like your situation, but I grew a lot from that brief experience and I choose to be grateful instead of bitter.

    On a final note, not everything has to happen so quickly. Sometimes I have met up with people once and then was a bit shell shocked from the experience, and more specifically, the person liking me so much, so I strayed away for a while and then came back and tried again in a few months, or even a few years (yeah I know) later. Obviously people are not as extreme as I am, but I am more of a fatalist: if something is going to happen, it will figure itself out, if you need to do a lot of work to get it, it's not meant to happen. The human mind is extremely complex, and it is pivotal to attempt to understand of example of it if you wish to obtain longevity in your connections. In the future, when you see someone brushing you off like this guy, express to him your gratitude for the experience and remind him that if sometime in the future you both are still single, maybe you can get together again, and until then work on yourself, date other people, and figure out how you can get what you really want in life.

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    Jun 22, 2016 7:23 PM GMT
    Theater and acting are gay professions so that can be a bit dangerous for us that are not actors and are fooled by a good performance. Give him a round of applause for keeping you entertained. It was not anymore real than a movie or a TV show. I hope that gives you some closure. It's not that you did anything and it did not work out it was just a play to begin with.

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    Jun 22, 2016 8:34 PM GMT
    Although I appreciate the honesty, I don't think it was acting. There was too much contact, too much pushing from him, too much fascination for all the minor aspects of my life for it to be acted. I do accept that he thrived on the chase and the initial excitement and probably wasn't ready for anything more.

    But to compare, I was seeing a guy for a few months late last year/early this year. We got on great but I never matched the enthusiasm he showed. I never texted as much, rarely initiated and delayed plans. I never lied to him and was honest that I wasn't sure what I wanted. In truth, I wanted to like him more than I did but the feelings never developed. So I met him in person, explained it all. The next day, I was worried that I hadn't explained myself well enough or given him enough insight into my reasoning so I sent him a very long text message, trying to articulate my feelings as best I could. He was very upset, but we ended on good terms.

    In this case, the guy was often showing more interest than me, introducing me to his friends, telling family members about me, sending me photos of him listening to my favourite music and saying he wanted to 'get into my headspace.' And then after a period of intense contact he brushed me off with a short, blunt, rude text. So I guess I'm more angry that it had to end badly more than anything else. And I wish I could talk to him and tell him how badly he has handled this and try to get some sort of context for it, but I suppose that's never going to happen.
  • Destinharbor

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    Jun 22, 2016 8:41 PM GMT
    I don't think it is as simple as he just decided to move on. You were at his place, everything was good, he made breakfast, and you ran out for a bit to see a friend. He was unhappy when you returned. Was he fine over breakfast? I'd take the time to write him, probably email is best so he can look at it for a while before answering, and ask him what happened? That you thought everything was great or better than great. It sounds like he somehow got the wrong impression about something you said or you left behind while you were out or, who knows? I know you're mad now but arguments happen and often, they're about one or the other getting the wrong idea about something. Or having a sensitivity you couldn't predict. I've been partnered now for about 9 years and we almost never fight. But when we do, it is usually because one or the other feels left out or neglected or dismissed about something. Usually it is a misunderstanding or at least was no more than something poorly worded. These over-reactions only really happen when you care. I'd give it a shot. Be careful to not make him defensive. The way I try to end these quiet/anger periods is to just say I'm sorry . I don't want to fight. I love you. (Even when it is his fault-- usually is.) You might not be there with him but you write well. You'll figure it out.

    (Btw-- I was just on your green island driving the coastlines including Northern Ireland and spent some time in Dublin. Magical country.)
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    Jun 22, 2016 8:59 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidI don't think it is as simple as he just decided to move on. You were at his place, everything was good, he made breakfast, and you ran out for a bit to see a friend. He was unhappy when you returned. Was he fine over breakfast? I'd take the time to write him, probably email is best so he can look at it for a while before answering, and ask him what happened?


    Thanks for your message, you've put a lot of things well. To clarify, he seemed a little distant over breakfast. My friend was pressuring me to go meet him so I left a little rushed. Still, there'd been smiles and kisses and waving goodbye from the door and all that. I drove home after meeting my friend.

    Your suggestion to write to him has been what I'm really struggling with. I feel like I've been robbed of the opportunity to have my say or get a good answer. But then it comes down to his 'I think I've explained things adequately' comment. Not only had he turned cold and ignorant, it gave the impression that he thought there was no more to say, which given his actions over the previous weeks is bizarre.

    I see two options. 1. I did something to piss him off that I'm entirely unaware of and he's decided to angrily push me away or, 2. He was always rude and uncaring in the first place and I just didn't see it.

    I do want to mail him but I'm torn on whether it's the right thing to do. I suppose getting my thoughts down and sent to him would help (it's half the reason I've written this post). I suppose at this point I have nothing to lose and possible closure to gain.
  • Destinharbor

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    Jun 22, 2016 9:11 PM GMT
    nugget2011 said
    Destinharbor saidI don't think it is as simple as he just decided to move on. You were at his place, everything was good, he made breakfast, and you ran out for a bit to see a friend. He was unhappy when you returned. Was he fine over breakfast? I'd take the time to write him, probably email is best so he can look at it for a while before answering, and ask him what happened?


    Thanks for your message, you've put a lot of things well. To clarify, he seemed a little distant over breakfast. My friend was pressuring me to go meet him so I left a little rushed. Still, there'd been smiles and kisses and waving goodbye from the door and all that. I drove home after meeting my friend.

    Your suggestion to write to him has been what I'm really struggling with. I feel like I've been robbed of the opportunity to have my say or get a good answer. But then it comes down to his 'I think I've explained things adequately' comment. Not only had he turned cold and ignorant, it gave the impression that he thought there was no more to say, which given his action of the previous weeks is bizarre.

    I see two options. 1. I did something to piss him off that I'm entirely unaware of and he's decided to angrily push me away or, 2. He was always rude and uncaring in the first place and I just didn't see it.

    I do want to mail him but I'm torn on whether it's the right thing to do. I suppose getting my thoughts down and sent to him would help (it's half the reason I've written this post). I suppose at this point I have nothing to lose and possible closure to gain.

    Just remember it may have been something he thought you did even if you didn't. Don't forget, even if he's totally in the wrong, he believes he's justified. People get defensive when hurt and he's probably hurting as much as you but feels wronged. Don't look for fault. Look to fix it. Remember the good. Bet it is still there. The old maxim is true-- (paraphrased)-- a good marriage is not 50/50. it is 75/25 for both.
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    Jun 22, 2016 9:26 PM GMT
    I had a guy keep up the act for three years. I had to finally draw the curtain on him, so I would not delude yourself about his authenticity. It even sounds like he was expecting you to play your role in the drama. Again role play is a common gay behavior. People here in SF devote huge amount of energy in fantasy play to the to the point that real and play behavior are blurred. Have you ever seen the Movie Quadraphenia? About a lad that gets caught up in a fantasy that he sees as real but players know is just a "giggle"


    nugget2011 saidAlthough I appreciate the honesty, I don't think it was acting. There was too much contact, too much pushing from him, too much fascination for all the minor aspects of my life for it to be acted. I do accept that he thrived on the chase and the initial excitement and probably wasn't ready for anything more.

    But to compare, I was seeing a guy for a few months late last year/early this year. We got on great but I never matched the enthusiasm he showed. I never texted as much, rarely initiated and delayed plans. I never lied to him and was honest that I wasn't sure what I wanted. In truth, I wanted to like him more than I did but the feelings never developed. So I met him in person, explained it all. The next day, I was worried that I hadn't explained myself well enough or given him enough insight into my reasoning so I sent him a very long text message, trying to articulate my feelings as best I could. He was very upset, but we ended on good terms.

    In this case, the guy was often showing more interest than me, introducing me to his friends, telling family members about me, sending me photos of him listening to my favourite music and saying he wanted to 'get into my headspace.' And then after a period of intense contact he brushed me off with a short, blunt, rude text. So I guess I'm more angry that it had to end badly more than anything else. And I wish I could talk to him and tell him how badly he has handled this and try to get some sort of context for it, but I suppose that's never going to happen.