Healing after a relationship with a narcissist

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 24, 2016 5:11 PM GMT
    So after being in a relationship for a year and a half with a verbally and physically abusive narcissist who was also an alcoholic I have come to realize that the best therapy besides going to a therapist is letting my story known. Hopefully others will also benefit by telling their story or at least read this as a cautionary tale. I met my boyfriend on Grindr. I was in a very vulnerable place in my life. I still wasn't sure I was gay. He made me realize for sure I was gay. The first six months of our relationship were the happiest I have ever been in my life. He made me feel special. He made me feel loved and important. He took me to my first gay bar and clubs. I went to my first pride with him. I of course experienced lots of firsts with him. He had a job when I met him and he said he was going to school to finish his masters degree. We moved in together after 6 months. This is when everything started to go downhill. I offered to help him while he went back to school. He quit his job, he even sold his car. He watched my children a few days a week when I went to work. Then his personality started to change. He refused to have sex with me and wouldn't say why. Whenever I brought up school or getting a car he got angry and told me that he has helped me when was it going to be about him. When I would mention that he was living with me for nothing and literally he paid for nothing he said he didn't ask for my help. He started to call me names saying I was pathetic and a loser. I caught him looking at other men online and text messages from people saying "When are you going to come fuck me?" I believe he was cheating on me the entire time because that's what narcs do. He never wanted to do anything but go to a gay bar and pound back drink after drink. The drinking escalated the name calling and the abuse became physical. We would have fights where we would yell at each other for hours. He always thought that he was right and he was a complete know-it-all. The escalation of abuse was slow and steady. I kept thinking about those first 6 months hoping we could get back there and that is what the narc wants you to think. Our relationship ended horribly where he hit me and went to jail.
    Recovering from being in a relationship with a narcissist is very difficult because there are so many unanswered questions and no closure. You question your own integrity. You question if this relationship was even real. You wonder if that person ever loved you. Doing some research online I have discovered that a narcissist is not capable of love at all. He threw me away like a piece of garbage and he continues to try to be malicious and vindictive towards me in terms of getting money from me.
    If anyone else is going through this know that it is NOT your fault. They are sick people with their own demons and many self medicate with drugs and alcohol.
    Thanks for reading.
  • Rigel8887

    Posts: 9

    Jun 25, 2016 1:50 AM GMT
    I am so sorry to hear about what you have been through... and thanks for sharing your story with us and I hope you are feeling much better right now... take care icon_smile.gif
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jun 25, 2016 5:54 AM GMT
    I'm not going to say where you made your mistakes, i think you know.
    Lesson learned ... move on, and don't let him back in.
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    Jun 26, 2016 12:19 AM GMT
    Rigel8887 saidI am so sorry to hear about what you have been through... and thanks for sharing your story with us and I hope you are feeling much better right now... take care icon_smile.gif

    Thank you. It's a process believe me. I've never been attracted to anyone in my life but him. So it's almost like breaking up for the first time. The way it ended was gut wrenching. My emotions are still a roller coaster. It's been less than a month. Sometimes I feel strong and feel like I am ready to take on the world. Other days I still miss the man I wanted him to be and I wonder what he is doing. There is no going back and I would never want to but I definitely am going through the same emotions others describe when dealing with a breakup from an abuser and narcissist. I want to hate him for what he has done but I feel more sad and empty more than anything.
  • FitBlackCuddl...

    Posts: 800

    Jun 26, 2016 1:35 AM GMT
    "Healing after a relationship with a narcissist"

    WHAT can a narcissist say or do that would get you to see him as a serious relationship candidate?
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Jun 26, 2016 2:26 AM GMT

    Ooh i know a bit about Narcs.

    I was "friends" with one for a few months. We met at a group for people with personality disorders, i am a borderline , and at the time we were trying to figure out if i could possibly have NPD, nope, and whether or not there was any hope for her becoming "normal", also nope. We didn't discuss whether i could become normal, it seemed fairly evident it was not going to be the case. lol

    Anyways, i picked her brain quite a bit and felt like i got a good lay of her psychological landscape. Neither of us were really trying to run any sort of game on eachother, as we met in a "secrets exposed" type setting and probably gravitated towards eachother because we were overly intellectual and didn't really get along with the rest of the group. They all seemed like a bunch of mopey people taking everything way too seriously and way too easily offended. It sucked.
    As i say, we weren't trying to manipulate each other too overtly and she was married so i feel like i got a lot of honest answers as she really seemed to be focused on getting better. Certainly not someone you would want to date nor someone you would want to examine too closely as it pertained to their feelings about you.


    WHAT can a narcissist say or do that would get you to see him as a serious relationship candidate?


    What can a carsalesman do to get you to think undercoating is a good idea? Some people are naturally good at relationships and others aren't.

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    Jun 26, 2016 3:40 AM GMT
    FitBlackCuddler said"Healing after a relationship with a narcissist"

    WHAT can a narcissist say or do that would get you to see him as a serious relationship candidate?

    Easy. They say and do all the right things in the beginning but not because they love you, they see you as a possession. For most people they don't think that way so it doesn't make sense when they are done with you and throw you away. I pray you never end up in a relationship with one.
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    Jun 26, 2016 3:45 AM GMT
    badbug said
    Ooh i know a bit about Narcs.

    I was "friends" with one for a few months. We met at a group for people with personality disorders, i am a borderline , and at the time we were trying to figure out if i could possibly have NPD, nope, and whether or not there was any hope for her becoming "normal", also nope. We didn't discuss whether i could become normal, it seemed fairly evident it was not going to be the case. lol

    Anyways, i picked her brain quite a bit and felt like i got a good lay of her psychological landscape. Neither of us were really trying to run any sort of game on eachother, as we met in a "secrets exposed" type setting and probably gravitated towards eachother because we were overly intellectual and didn't really get along with the rest of the group. They all seemed like a bunch of mopey people taking everything way too seriously and way too easily offended. It sucked.
    As i say, we weren't trying to manipulate each other too overtly and she was married so i feel like i got a lot of honest answers as she really seemed to be focused on getting better. Certainly not someone you would want to date nor someone you would want to examine too closely as it pertained to their feelings about you.


    WHAT can a narcissist say or do that would get you to see him as a serious relationship candidate?


    What can a carsalesman do to get you to think undercoating is a good idea? Some people are naturally good at relationships and others aren't.


    Partially true. I was naive to think that people in general are good decent people. I learned a hard lesson that a lot of people only care about themselves and will do low down nasty things to get what they want at the expense of others. Before this experience I didn't think people could be that evil. I was wrong. Never again. My eyes are open now
  • FitBlackCuddl...

    Posts: 800

    Jun 26, 2016 4:07 AM GMT
    zoltar said
    FitBlackCuddler said"Healing after a relationship with a narcissist"

    WHAT can a narcissist say or do that would get you to see him as a serious relationship candidate?

    Easy. They say and do all the right things in the beginning but not because they love you, they see you as a possession. For most people they don't think that way so it doesn't make sense when they are done with you and throw you away. I pray you never end up in a relationship with one.


    But they are so easily seen through. They do not bother to disguise their intent.
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    Jun 26, 2016 4:11 AM GMT
    I already knew it was going to be a disaster when I first read "I met my boyfriend on Grindr". I quit that app two years ago and never looked back. I could finally live without always having to compare myself to other guys and just live my life the way I want to and not for someone else's approval. If you want to find good quality people 99% of the time they are not in that app.

    I'm terribly sorry you had to experience that, hopefully life will send you good things along the way. I read this quote somewhere and I don't know if it will make you feel any better but it always makes me feel better. "When it's dark look for stars. When it rains, look for rainbows." No matter what happens try to look at the positive things.

    Much regards
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 26, 2016 7:28 PM GMT
    Talon saidI already knew it was going to be a disaster when I first read "I met my boyfriend on Grindr". I quit that app two years ago and never looked back. I could finally live without always having to compare myself to other guys and just live my life the way I want to and not for someone else's approval. If you want to find good quality people 99% of the time they are not in that app.

    I'm terribly sorry you had to experience that, hopefully life will send you good things along the way. I read this quote somewhere and I don't know if it will make you feel any better but it always makes me feel better. "When it's dark look for stars. When it rains, look for rainbows." No matter what happens try to look at the positive things.

    Much regards


    Thank you. It's not all doom and gloom. I've already met a few friends who want to do something other than just have sex so I know it's going to be okay.