When a guy can't understand friends means friends...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 04, 2016 4:18 PM GMT
    I've met this guy a couple of times. From the start it was meeting off scruff, but when I met him he was a bit chunkier than I'd go for. I told him initially that I only wanted friends. However, a couple of times (which would be each time I came over), he kept trying to get me to cuddle with him, then started making sexual advances and such. Yesterday, he wanted to cuddle me after slipping in a blowjob (something I had already felt indifferent towards). I was like dude, no. I don't want to cuddle, we're not together.

    He got all butt hurt, cancelled out on our plans to do something that night citing: "being in a weird mood". I just wanted to tell him, you grimey ass mother fucker. He is dillusional. He thinks a friend should be okay to just sit on the couch arm in arm and cuddle each other. I feel really uncomfortable with that. Especially when I'm only 50% attracted to him. Meaning, his face is cute but his body does not turn me on. That's not to be superficial, but to me it gives an impression that he's selfish and all about what turns him on, and not about what does the same for me.

    People like that just really get to me. He said he was okay with just friends, but he kept trying to make moves on me. He said he was okay with just friends, but then he gets butt hurt when I tell him cuddling with him is not appropriate. It's almost like he's looking to me to validate his self-esteem.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jul 04, 2016 5:18 PM GMT
    Sounds to me like you were leading him on. Maybe getting a slight thrill knowing he wanted you. If you had no interest in him sexually, why were you having sex with him? You don't seem to like him and never really did so why were you pretending to be his friend. I think you wanted to get your rocks off and he couldn't figure out from your friends routine whether that meant go slow or what. Clearly you didn't come over to have a beer and watch a game. You were being a tease.
  • FitBlackCuddl...

    Posts: 800

    Jul 04, 2016 11:13 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]FuzzyPecs28 said[/cite]I've met this guy a couple of times. From the start it was meeting off scruff, but when I met him he was a bit chunkier than I'd go for. I told him initially that I only wanted friends. However, a couple of times (which would be each time I came over), he kept trying to get me to cuddle with him, then started making sexual advances and such. Yesterday, he wanted to cuddle me after slipping in a blowjob (something I had already felt indifferent towards). I was like dude, no. I don't want to cuddle, we're not together. [/quote]

    WHY are you going over to see him at his place if you do not like him nor have any interest in him? If you want "to be friends", why not go about it at some neutral public setting, with the intent to do "friendly" pursuits like getting coffee or doing a day-hike?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 04, 2016 11:22 PM GMT
    FuzzyPecs28 said... only 50% attracted to him....
    was that before or after the blowjob?
  • Coast

    Posts: 24

    Jul 05, 2016 4:12 AM GMT
    There are a lot of conflicting facts in the story but if you're seriously not interested, don't even bother making the effort by going to his place ... under any circumstances. It doesn't make sense that you do, so you were kind of asking for it or was expecting it (I'm assuming it's happened on more than one occasion).
  • TallAsian

    Posts: 27

    Jul 05, 2016 4:19 AM GMT
    The way I see it, if this is really about friendship then why was he coming over to your home? In order to keep the intentions clear and concise the meetings should have been at a public, neutral location; a sporting event, museum, art gallery, burger joint or an event with other people. That way the encounters could not be misconstrued for being something else. The only reason a new friend should be at your home this early in the relationship if they are there simply to meet up before going somewhere else and the event should not conclude at your home until a very solid friendship has been established. A little prudence and consideration should figure into the plan. Even if this was a potential relationship, unless it is to be just a hook-up, it may not be the most advisable move to invite anyone to your home this early in the game. For both friendship and relationships it is rare that one can judge if things are going to be worth pursuing, and for one's own piece of mind; do you really want some unknown stranger to know where you live before knowing anyone reasonably well?

    Although your 'friend' may have been reading too much into the situation, a certain amount of blame, if you want to call it that, does fall on your shoulders for not making things crystal clear in your actions and intentions. Simply saying you just want to be friends is not enough, your actions must be consistent with your intentions, otherwise you will end up in the situation that you now find yourself.
  • Dynamo_spark

    Posts: 224

    Jul 05, 2016 7:14 AM GMT
    Destinharbor saidSounds to me like you were leading him on. Maybe getting a slight thrill knowing he wanted you. If you had no interest in him sexually, why were you having sex with him? You don't seem to like him and never really did so why were you pretending to be his friend. I think you wanted to get your rocks off and he couldn't figure out from your friends routine whether that meant go slow or what. Clearly you didn't come over to have a beer and watch a game. You were being a tease.
    This seems a common thing in the Gay Lifestyle. A 'Hookup', a f*ck, and then;"Well, you know I am just not that in to you". Guys are just too afraid of commitment these days.
  • TheGoodGuy

    Posts: 20

    Jul 05, 2016 8:18 AM GMT
    What the fuck you didn't like him yet you had sex with him. Like 90% of all gays, YOU NEED HELP!!
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    Jul 05, 2016 9:12 AM GMT
    FuzzyPecs28 saidI've met this guy a couple of times. From the start it was meeting off scruff, but when I met him he was a bit chunkier than I'd go for. I told him initially that I only wanted friends. However, a couple of times (which would be each time I came over), he kept trying to get me to cuddle with him, then started making sexual advances and such. Yesterday, he wanted to cuddle me after slipping in a blowjob (something I had already felt indifferent towards). I was like dude, no. I don't want to cuddle, we're not together.

    He got all butt hurt, cancelled out on our plans to do something that night citing: "being in a weird mood". I just wanted to tell him, you grimey ass mother fucker. He is dillusional. He thinks a friend should be okay to just sit on the couch arm in arm and cuddle each other. I feel really uncomfortable with that. Especially when I'm only 50% attracted to him. Meaning, his face is cute but his body does not turn me on. That's not to be superficial, but to me it gives an impression that he's selfish and all about what turns him on, and not about what does the same for me.

    People like that just really get to me. He said he was okay with just friends, but he kept trying to make moves on me. He said he was okay with just friends, but then he gets butt hurt when I tell him cuddling with him is not appropriate. It's almost like he's looking to me to validate his self-esteem.

    Two things stand out: your allowing him to blow you and then immediately afterwards telling him that cuddling is not "appropriate." But the blow job was "appropriate"?? Unless you were given a date rape drug, you were there when the blow job was happening, so you don't get to then say, blow job, yes, cuddling no, when you had just gotten a blow job from a guy you only wanted "as a friend."

    Secondly, this person who is selfish (so, then who wants to be friends with a selfish person), who you then describe as "you grimey ass mother fucker." Is this how you usually feel towards your "friends"? If so, it's pretty dicey. Where is all this anger coming from? After all, 1), You've only met him a couple of times, so you are not even close to being "friends" (at least, not with the contempt you are holding him in here and 2) he cancels and that makes you angry??? WHY? Your words all throughout this post say, 'I don't like him all that much' and I would certainly agree; calling someone a 'grimy ass mother fucker' simply because their feelings are hurt and they decide not to follow through on meeting you again marks you as a not particularly caring person, and especially when their emotional response doesn't meet your approval. You set it up for him to decide to cancel on you: you want to call all the shots: what can and can't be done in this 'friendship' (which isn't a friendship at all; it's an "acquaintanceship": someone you know casually, not someone who 1), knows your favorite color, or that 2), your favorite singer is ___________, or 3), that your birthday is____________). AND, you want him to be happy with it. AND, you get angry when he discovers his limits (some guys think they can do something, find out they can't and withdraw. And that makes THEM the bad guy? Start reading something about ethics, man. You are, to use an unfortunate word you yourself used, 'delusional.' He's just either confused, or he had ulterior motives (that part could be true, but you sure set up a hell of a bad scene out of a bad play, too).
    It seems you want to dictate terms and when they aren't followed, cry 'foul,' because "he's looking to me to validate his self-esteem." Yet you invited him back after the "unwanted" blow job. Aren't you using guys you consider not your 'equal' to validate YOURS?
    This whole scenario puts you both in the same light: unflattering. Learn to not be sexual with a guy if you don't want him to point out that your own actions proclaim, "I say one thing, but my actions say something completely different."

    I don't say he had genuine feeling for you, but your own behavior was not particularly honorable, either. You created this entire scenario, which could have been avoided had you stuck with "NO. NO SEX. ONLY FRIENDSHIP - when we get to know each other better."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 05, 2016 4:14 PM GMT
    mcbrion said
    FuzzyPecs28 saidI've met this guy a couple of times. From the start it was meeting off scruff, but when I met him he was a bit chunkier than I'd go for. I told him initially that I only wanted friends. However, a couple of times (which would be each time I came over), he kept trying to get me to cuddle with him, then started making sexual advances and such. Yesterday, he wanted to cuddle me after slipping in a blowjob (something I had already felt indifferent towards). I was like dude, no. I don't want to cuddle, we're not together.

    He got all butt hurt, cancelled out on our plans to do something that night citing: "being in a weird mood". I just wanted to tell him, you grimey ass mother fucker. He is dillusional. He thinks a friend should be okay to just sit on the couch arm in arm and cuddle each other. I feel really uncomfortable with that. Especially when I'm only 50% attracted to him. Meaning, his face is cute but his body does not turn me on. That's not to be superficial, but to me it gives an impression that he's selfish and all about what turns him on, and not about what does the same for me.

    People like that just really get to me. He said he was okay with just friends, but he kept trying to make moves on me. He said he was okay with just friends, but then he gets butt hurt when I tell him cuddling with him is not appropriate. It's almost like he's looking to me to validate his self-esteem.

    Two things stand out: your allowing him to blow you and then immediately afterwards telling him that cuddling is not "appropriate." But the blow job was "appropriate"?? Unless you were given a date rape drug, you were there when the blow job was happening, so you don't get to then say, blow job, yes, cuddling no, when you had just gotten a blow job from a guy you only wanted "as a friend."

    Secondly, this person who is selfish (so, then who wants to be friends with a selfish person), who you then describe as "you grimey ass mother fucker." Is this how you usually feel towards your "friends"? If so, it's pretty dicey. Where is all this anger coming from? After all, 1), You've only met him a couple of times, so you are not even close to being "friends" (at least, not with the contempt you are holding him in here and 2) he cancels and that makes you angry??? WHY? Your words all throughout this post say, 'I don't like him all that much' and I would certainly agree; calling someone a 'grimy ass mother fucker' simply because their feelings are hurt and they decide not to follow through on meeting you again marks you as a not particularly caring person, and especially when their emotional response doesn't meet your approval. You set it up for him to decide to cancel on you: you want to call all the shots: what can and can't be done in this 'friendship' (which isn't a friendship at all; it's an "acquaintanceship": someone you know casually, not someone who 1), knows your favorite color, or that 2), your favorite singer is ___________, or 3), that your birthday is____________). AND, you want him to be happy with it. AND, you get angry when he discovers his limits (some guys think they can do something, find out they can't and withdraw. And that makes THEM the bad guy? Start reading something about ethics, man. You are, to use an unfortunate word you yourself used, 'delusional.' He's just either confused, or he had ulterior motives (that part could be true, but you sure set up a hell of a bad scene out of a bad play, too).
    It seems you want to dictate terms and when they aren't followed, cry 'foul,' because "he's looking to me to validate his self-esteem." Yet you invited him back after the "unwanted" blow job. Aren't you using guys you consider not your 'equal' to validate YOURS?
    This whole scenario puts you both in the same light: unflattering. Learn to not be sexual with a guy if you don't want him to point out that your own actions proclaim, "I say one thing, but my actions say something completely different."

    I don't say he had genuine feeling for you, but your own behavior was not particularly honorable, either. You created this entire scenario, which could have been avoided had you stuck with "NO. NO SEX. ONLY FRIENDSHIP - when we get to know each other better."



    Exactly.......
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Jul 05, 2016 6:21 PM GMT

    As i and others mentioned in your other post, you have issues relating to people which is not uncommon though you seem rather oblivious towards your own role in those issues coming up. Unless you examine your own actions and thoughts more closely, this is just going to play out the exact same way over and over and most likely get worse the more bitter/cynical you get with age.

    People like that just really get to me

    People really get to you. And that's atleast 50 percent your fault, always.
  • Pompous

    Posts: 6

    Jul 06, 2016 4:25 AM GMT
    Friends don't give other friends blowjobs. If you want to be just friends then there is a strict black and white line with what is and isn't okay. Anything involving sex will almost always result in someone catching feelings for the other.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 07, 2016 12:51 AM GMT
    Destinharbor saidSounds to me like you were leading him on. Maybe getting a slight thrill knowing he wanted you. If you had no interest in him sexually, why were you having sex with him? You don't seem to like him and never really did so why were you pretending to be his friend. I think you wanted to get your rocks off and he couldn't figure out from your friends routine whether that meant go slow or what. Clearly you didn't come over to have a beer and watch a game. You were being a tease.


    This.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 872

    Jul 07, 2016 11:35 AM GMT
    mcbrion said
    FuzzyPecs28 saidI've met this guy a couple of times. From the start it was meeting off scruff, but when I met him he was a bit chunkier than I'd go for. I told him initially that I only wanted friends. However, a couple of times (which would be each time I came over), he kept trying to get me to cuddle with him, then started making sexual advances and such. Yesterday, he wanted to cuddle me after slipping in a blowjob (something I had already felt indifferent towards). I was like dude, no. I don't want to cuddle, we're not together.

    He got all butt hurt, cancelled out on our plans to do something that night citing: "being in a weird mood". I just wanted to tell him, you grimey ass mother fucker. He is dillusional. He thinks a friend should be okay to just sit on the couch arm in arm and cuddle each other. I feel really uncomfortable with that. Especially when I'm only 50% attracted to him. Meaning, his face is cute but his body does not turn me on. That's not to be superficial, but to me it gives an impression that he's selfish and all about what turns him on, and not about what does the same for me.

    People like that just really get to me. He said he was okay with just friends, but he kept trying to make moves on me. He said he was okay with just friends, but then he gets butt hurt when I tell him cuddling with him is not appropriate. It's almost like he's looking to me to validate his self-esteem.

    Two things stand out: your allowing him to blow you and then immediately afterwards telling him that cuddling is not "appropriate." But the blow job was "appropriate"?? Unless you were given a date rape drug, you were there when the blow job was happening, so you don't get to then say, blow job, yes, cuddling no, when you had just gotten a blow job from a guy you only wanted "as a friend."

    Secondly, this person who is selfish (so, then who wants to be friends with a selfish person), who you then describe as "you grimey ass mother fucker." Is this how you usually feel towards your "friends"? If so, it's pretty dicey. Where is all this anger coming from? After all, 1), You've only met him a couple of times, so you are not even close to being "friends" (at least, not with the contempt you are holding him in here and 2) he cancels and that makes you angry??? WHY? Your words all throughout this post say, 'I don't like him all that much' and I would certainly agree; calling someone a 'grimy ass mother fucker' simply because their feelings are hurt and they decide not to follow through on meeting you again marks you as a not particularly caring person, and especially when their emotional response doesn't meet your approval. You set it up for him to decide to cancel on you: you want to call all the shots: what can and can't be done in this 'friendship' (which isn't a friendship at all; it's an "acquaintanceship": someone you know casually, not someone who 1), knows your favorite color, or that 2), your favorite singer is ___________, or 3), that your birthday is____________). AND, you want him to be happy with it. AND, you get angry when he discovers his limits (some guys think they can do something, find out they can't and withdraw. And that makes THEM the bad guy? Start reading something about ethics, man. You are, to use an unfortunate word you yourself used, 'delusional.' He's just either confused, or he had ulterior motives (that part could be true, but you sure set up a hell of a bad scene out of a bad play, too).
    It seems you want to dictate terms and when they aren't followed, cry 'foul,' because "he's looking to me to validate his self-esteem." Yet you invited him back after the "unwanted" blow job. Aren't you using guys you consider not your 'equal' to validate YOURS?
    This whole scenario puts you both in the same light: unflattering. Learn to not be sexual with a guy if you don't want him to point out that your own actions proclaim, "I say one thing, but my actions say something completely different."

    I don't say he had genuine feeling for you, but your own behavior was not particularly honorable, either. You created this entire scenario, which could have been avoided had you stuck with "NO. NO SEX. ONLY FRIENDSHIP - when we get to know each other better."


    THIS!