What do you do to not allow people to affect your happiness?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 04, 2016 5:18 PM GMT
    Like the Sade song: it's been a rugged road.

    It's 4th of July. And guess what plans I'm doing today?! Not a goddamn thing. It's depressing as fuck. And it's all because most all the people I've met lately have not been genuine. I put myself out, try to develop a friendship or connection, and within a couple of meets...the whole thing just dissipates.

    Since I moved to Nashville earlier this year, I've only gained a crazy stalker and a few miscellaneous liars of friends/hookups. The most annoying part of it all, is over the weekend my roommate had the nerve to blame me and say I'm responsible for each time someone has done me wrong. Including the stalker thing which I had NOTHING to do with. I met the guy once, and he has been stalking me every since. That's the most hurtful thing to say to someone. It's because of me, something I'm doing, that's causing people to play games, be a flake, etc. As if I'm the only person who's going thru these kind of things. I'm just going thru it more because I'm new to the city, I don't have relatives or close friend connections, and I'm having a hard time adjusting to the area.

    It's like of all people, you'd think my roommate would understand, and even he was saying shit to me over the weekend that really had me really irritated with him. Yet, he has the nerve to talk but won't step foot into a gay bar, is still closeted, and doesn't have many gay friends. He stayed in every night this weekend, while I went out and tried to meet people.

    how does one stay sane in this type of trial and tribulation in life?

  • badbug

    Posts: 866

    Jul 05, 2016 1:13 AM GMT

    how does one stay sane in this type of trial and tribulation in life?

    Sanity is relative.

    Also, when enough things you have loved have died in your life you don't worry too much about shit like this. You realize even if you do meet someone, fall in love and have a happy life, before you know it either you will die or they will, and that's the best case scenario. In almost all cases, it's a bunch of falling in and out of love, the definition of that love changing, jealousy or just plain old denial and often a ton of rejection and isolation within the relationship(s) themselves.

    Basically, you'd be the same unhappy fuck you are now if you had a bunch of friends and a boyfriend you were hanging with. You'd just be unhappy about some different shit, like your friends not calling you back or your boyfriend hasn't deleted his old account on Grindr or whatever.

    Also, cancer, burnwards, civil war, zika virus, global warming......perhaps your trials and tribulations are kind of pathetic in a sense when you consider you could have so much more to cry about. It's very easy to lose sight of this, we all do, we all freak out about some pretty wimpy shit compared to the serious shit that is coming are way at some point, aging, health issues, death. Better learn to be happy now, wherever you are or you're going to be really fucked when shit actually gets real most likely. Though you could be one of those rise to the occasion types, that thrives when shit gets real but somehow i doubt it. icon_wink.gif

    Sorry if this seems harsh. It's more for me than you anyways.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 05, 2016 1:44 AM GMT

    Its probably extremely cliché to mention the "serenity prayer", someone else mentioned it to me the other day and I was like whatever.

    I chalk this up to ones own coming out process, which is different for everyone. Its fortunate for some that they are accepted by friends, family or coworkers and others, like myself, are unfortunate that family, friends or coworkers did not accept us while we revealed our true selves. ITS NOT OUR FAULT, that what ever external circumstances you and your life has presented you, we must not blame ourselves. Those people who reject us, want us to blame ourselves! that way they push their excuses onto us, clear their conscience or deflect the real problem that THEY ARE THE ONES WITH THE PROBLEM. The hardest part in solving a problem is admitting you have one! Those who look down upon us don't see themselves as having a problem.

    If you can accept yourself internally, then what ever happens externally will be that much easier to deal with. Ever since I came out 26 years ago, I have been dogging evil external forces from every direction life has to offer. Having reflected, It would have been a much easier life had I stayed closeted or not been involved in community, I would have made others happy by doing this. But what about my happiness?, See, but no one in my life cared enough about my happiness or that I was entitled to be happy just like they are. They took the "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil" approach and sadly, today this is where we all stand. Its an everyday struggle for some of us who were brainwashed as children, as long as you feel alone, and not lonely, there is a difference, OK.

    "Do your best and let the heavens do the rest"

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 05, 2016 11:44 AM GMT
    If you are being stalked by someone, is it possible that your roommate thinks his personal life is at risk of being intruded upon as well? He might feel that you've brought this person into both of your lives, and is becoming defensive about it.
  • Noeton

    Posts: 209

    Jul 05, 2016 3:43 PM GMT
    One or more of the responses, above, are really not supportive or constructive. But that is, based on my experience, to be expected in this forum. Unless you are a clueless 18 year old just coming out of the closet with a host of problems, some people here are likely to be jealous and try to pull you down.

    I can totally relate to your circumstances as you describe them. And I'm probably going to move to a new city in a few months, so I'll be in a similar position. All I can say is: it may take awhile to establish some good, solid friendships. I would drop the losers you mention and put them out of your mind. You can't drop your roommate, so I'd just avoid talking to him about your problem, since he seems to be working out his own problems by criticizing you. If I was in your situation, I'd focus on my career or personal goals and projects and gradually get to know some better people with shared interests. Good luck!
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4913

    Jul 05, 2016 4:33 PM GMT
    I've lived in some pretty pitiful towns and I've never run across anything like this. Hate to say it but the common thread is...you. Nashville is a super town with great music of all kinds and a thriving nightlife. Beautiful countryside, too. If you're meeting nothing but awful people, it is because you're looking for them and looking in the places they'll be. And turning on your roommate for being honest with you sounds like you're way too much trouble for any nice guy.
  • badbug

    Posts: 866

    Jul 05, 2016 5:56 PM GMT
    One or more of the responses, above, are really not supportive or constructive

    Is it mine? Cause mine is super supportive. Life and relationships are full of rejection and if you're 28 and alone, chances are you have not learned how to deal with the rejection in constructive enough a manner to maintain a proper balance to attract enough people in your life, that you want to keep there. Since he can't change everyone elses behaviour, he must change his own which includes his outlook and expectations.

    I am a 35 year old borderline, i think i am beyond an expert on how to fuck up relationships. ;)

  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 901

    Jul 07, 2016 11:12 AM GMT
    I have been privileged to live at some of the nicest cities on earth. I have also been privileged to live at the top notch real estate all over the place, too. I have hardly experienced any adversity in life, and am very grateful for this rare privilege.

    Yet, my inner happiness is purely of my own doing. The notion that I should be depending on anyone else to do what I wish to do and feel how I wish to feel has really never crossed my mind at all.

    It is in the human nature to promote, often relentlessly our own self-interest. So, you do get to be a very poor man if your pleasures depend on the permission/action of the others. It is your life, so you take control. You do things you like and hope to attract someone with a shared interest. You emanate quality content, and the quality folks will be getting your vibe and coming over.

    The opposite is very true, too. If you lack quality content and want to have some dudes around so that you can hang out with someone purely for the sake of not being alone, the chances are that you'd be attracting flakes, stalkers & Co.

    Shortform: I very much agree with bedbug and destinharbor!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 07, 2016 8:36 PM GMT
    I tell the people who constantly bug me to fuck off and let me be. If they refuse to leave me alone, I turn the tables on them and I become their tormentor.