Can't Figure Out if I'm Being Played or Not

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 12, 2016 8:54 PM GMT
    I need help assessing a bit of a delicate situation regarding a possible serial flake.

    Met a guy online and chatted for a bit found out we had a bit in common and seemed like a good match, a few days later we agreed to meet for a first date. He texts me the following day to tell me his father suffered a heart attack and that we would probably need to delay until the weekend. We pushed it back till Sat. Sat rolls around and as I'm getting ready to leave he texts me saying he needs to cancel since they were discharging him earlier than expected that afternoon due to an insurance complication (which does happen).

    First I was angry thinking I'm being played for a fool and didn't know what to text back but he called an hour later to apologize and we tentatively are making initial plans to try to meet again sometime which eased my worry that he might be lying about this for some reason. Gave him the benefit of the doubt. Checked in with him today and says his father went back Monday again since and he'll likely be busy trying to catch up on work that he missed since he had to leave early a couple of days but would like to try for this weekend.

    I'm tempted to ask him if he's making all of this up since I'm not sure at this point..... But why would someone flake and keep in contact with you. That seems like a ton of trouble to go through, usually they flake once and you never hear from them again. Plus, I would sound like a massive jerk if he's telling the truth but there's really no easy way of knowing for sure... icon_neutral.gif This happened to me a few years ago and it turned out the guy was closeted and worried I wouldn't like him anyway when I called him out for standing me up. Makes me wonder if something similar is going on now with this guy since the timing of his father's health problems are conveniently right before we try to get together. Or worse he might be catfishing me icon_eek.gif

    What do you guys think? How would you handle this?
  • metta

    Posts: 39133

    Jul 12, 2016 9:08 PM GMT
    I would cautiously give him the benefit of the doubt. If he has given you real reason to not trust him then forget about it. Once there is not trust, there is not point.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 12, 2016 9:24 PM GMT
    he sounds to dramatic to be true. I would scale back your "date" to a coffee shop meet up. Give him the coffee shop street address and let him set the date time and never contact him again.
  • orome

    Posts: 30

    Jul 12, 2016 10:54 PM GMT
    Thinking about it, I'd call his bluff and offer to meet him near the hospital just to see how he responds.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 12, 2016 11:29 PM GMT
    I would keep in touch and see if I was able eventually to meet him. I wouldn't invest any serious time or thought into him until then. There's really no down side in waiting to see what may develop and there's a potentially enjoyable upside.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 13, 2016 12:13 AM GMT
    Thanks all for the advice with this situation.

    orome saidThinking about it, I'd call his bluff and offer to meet him near the hospital just to see how he responds.


    That's actually a really good idea to see if he's lying or not. Might just do that.
  • bro4bro

    Posts: 1034

    Jul 13, 2016 1:34 AM GMT
    Please keep in mind that if he's telling the truth - and people's fathers really do have heart attacks, you know - he could be in a very fragile state of mind. It's an extremely stressing situation, and he may just not be up to going on a first date while his dad's health is in question. You certainly don't want to add to that stress. And accusing him of lying won't get you very far.

    That said, my philosophy is everybody deserves a second chance - but practically nobody deserves a third chance.
  • JMN57

    Posts: 2

    Jul 13, 2016 5:58 AM GMT
    I think that the guy is being truthful with You, but is concerned with something about himself.
    So what it comes down to is this:
    do You like this guy enough to be extremely patient with him ( i.e., maintain an online relationship with him) until he gets to the point where he is ready to take the plunge in person. If not, then explain how You feel, and present him with some sort of an ultimatum. If his answer to this is to still flake....then move on. He just wasn't meant for You. Do not let Yourself get too emotionally involved with anyone until after a certain point that You recognize as real progress.
  • JMN57

    Posts: 2

    Jul 13, 2016 6:01 AM GMT
    You can't logically "be played" if You've only communicated by voice
    (or video). Particularly if the guy hasn't done anything physical to You that would be considered harmful.
  • Dynamo_spark

    Posts: 224

    Jul 13, 2016 6:59 AM GMT
    Yeah, he is leading you on. He probably has too much time on his hands and gets a thrill from guys thinking he is their perfect catch, meanwhile he is the one out for the catch. You are probably not his first victim. One guy I was supposed to meet, told me he was very sick and just couldn't come out in the cold, a convenient excuse conscidering it was Winter.
  • leanandclean

    Posts: 271

    Jul 13, 2016 10:24 AM GMT
    I wouldn't worry about whether or not he was telling the truth but would just leave the ball in his court and take no further initiative.
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    Jul 13, 2016 12:51 PM GMT
    Erobert saidI need help assessing a bit of a delicate situation regarding a possible serial flake.

    Met a guy online and chatted for a bit found out we had a bit in common and seemed like a good match, a few days later we agreed to meet for a first date. He texts me the following day to tell me his father suffered a heart attack and that we would probably need to delay until the weekend. We pushed it back till Sat. Sat rolls around and as I'm getting ready to leave he texts me saying he needs to cancel since they were discharging him earlier than expected that afternoon due to an insurance complication (which does happen).

    First I was angry thinking I'm being played for a fool and didn't know what to text back but he called an hour later to apologize and we tentatively are making initial plans to try to meet again sometime which eased my worry that he might be lying about this for some reason. Gave him the benefit of the doubt. Checked in with him today and says his father went back Monday again since and he'll likely be busy trying to catch up on work that he missed since he had to leave early a couple of days but would like to try for this weekend.

    I'm tempted to ask him if he's making all of this up since I'm not sure at this point..... But why would someone flake and keep in contact with you. That seems like a ton of trouble to go through, usually they flake once and you never hear from them again. Plus, I would sound like a massive jerk if he's telling the truth but there's really no easy way of knowing for sure... icon_neutral.gif This happened to me a few years ago and it turned out the guy was closeted and worried I wouldn't like him anyway when I called him out for standing me up. Makes me wonder if something similar is going on now with this guy since the timing of his father's health problems are conveniently right before we try to get together. Or worse he might be catfishing me icon_eek.gif

    What do you guys think? How would you handle this?


    How about, "It sounds like you need to spend time with your father. I'd like to meet you, so when you are sure everything is stable with your dad, why don't you contact me and lets set up a date to meet?"
    Why automatically think someone's parent being ill is a story? My friends had AIDS back in San Francisco and it wasn't that common to break dates. It seems - and this is the issue with the Internet - that as soon as someone you've never met has to backpedal, it makes it harder to know if its real or not.
    If he really wants to meet you, he'll take this path. Don't expend emotion trying to figure out something you cannot know the truth of. Also, don't let it make you suspicious of others. Just leave it to him. If he's sincere, he'll call. If not, you know his interest wasn't strong enough and that's ALL you truly know.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Jul 13, 2016 3:20 PM GMT
    Ya, this^^^. Chill and always expect the best from people. You may be disappointed occasionally but that is a much happier way to live. The only life you can control is your's.
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    Jul 14, 2016 3:59 AM GMT
    And the whole "internet dating" issue is that people who are already insecure from a young age find that whole "rejection phobia" issue is magnified, because it takes no time at all these days for insecurities to grow exponentially.
    You're only dating when you've actually met the person: before that, it's just a conversation. People seem to become invested more in the fantasy of a person they've never met than after they've met the person and suddenly it's real. A fantasy can die at the first shared meal with a guy (one you were hot to marry 5 minutes ago) who talks with his mouth full of food. Or snores. Or has bad breath.

    Try just enjoying talking with someone instead of trying to direct the course of the connection. Connections are like flowers: if they're given the right amount of sun, water and good soil, they grow.
  • boxit

    Posts: 13

    Jul 14, 2016 5:41 AM GMT
    Dump immediately!
  • Corby

    Posts: 78

    Jul 14, 2016 7:38 PM GMT
    I'm quite strict in cases like that - no second chance - simply as it is! I know that sometimes I can be really bad person this way!
  • TallAsian

    Posts: 27

    Jul 15, 2016 3:05 AM GMT
    The way I see it assuming that the situation is true; it would probably not be the best time to being a relationship since he will and should be focusing on the family crisis at hand. As you have experienced the unsatisfactory nature of how thing are shaping up and if the situation is becoming chronic it won't get better from here on in. For my part I don't think I would contemplate a serious relationship if my father was experiencing a serious health crisis since I would be perpetually preoccupied and distracted and it would be hardly fair to the other party to be dragged into such drama so early in a relationship.

    If you decide to pursue the matter keep in mind that he may not be at his best since the family crisis will be a constant distraction and will have to take priority over any other plans and you must think about if you can accept being continually brushed aside as events continue and you would be willing to build something on such a tentative foundation.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2016 3:14 AM GMT
    I agree with the above posts... Stay in touch with him, and just let him know that you understand that he may be going through a rough time. The next thing is, you don't want to be on a date with him, and he's not being himself because he's worried about his dad, or for the lack of sleep. It doesn't seem like he's cancelling and not talking with you again. Keep communication open. Sounds like he may be being truthful. Don't place your life on hold, but maybe offer to meet him for lunch later on. Don't be afraid to ask about the progression on his dad's health too. But yes, right now, his focus should be on his dad.

    Cheers,

    Sean
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    Jul 15, 2016 10:28 PM GMT
    I like both GTP Sean and Tall Asian's answers a great deal They're grounded in reality.

    Someone whose father is seriously sick is distressed, and it is extremely hard to be fully emotionally present with someone you like when you're worried about your parent (especially if it could be terminal). I speak from personal experience. You don't know if you're coming or going from one minute to the next.

    And I particularly like Sean's comment about inquiring about the father's health, because frankly, sometimes people are afraid to ask because "it'll being him/her down." Nuts to that kind of thinking! It will make him/her feel he/she doesn't have to wear the "everything's ok" mask, and they'll appreciate that you asked. That separates those with genuine, loving, hearts from those who just want to acquire what they want (in this case, another human being).
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    Jul 16, 2016 1:25 AM GMT
    GTPSean saidI agree with the above posts... Stay in touch with him, and just let him know that you understand that he may be going through a rough time. The next thing is, you don't want to be on a date with him, and he's not being himself because he's worried about his dad, or for the lack of sleep. It doesn't seem like he's cancelling and not talking with you again. Keep communication open. Sounds like he may be being truthful. Don't place your life on hold, but maybe offer to meet him for lunch later on. Don't be afraid to ask about the progression on his dad's health too. But yes, right now, his focus should be on his dad.

    Cheers,

    Sean


    This. Go with the flow, don't expect too much, and don't put your own dating life on hold waiting. When/if he finds the time, he'll make contact.

  • Jul 16, 2016 3:29 PM GMT
    Move on and if someone wants someone hey will make ye first effort when it's a third time not other your energy!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 13, 2016 4:41 PM GMT
    voicefulmarlin saidMove on and if someone wants someone hey will make ye first effort when it's a third time not other your energy!


    This! Very true icon_smile.gif

    Found out he was lying when he texted me today and admitted he lying to me (what kind of guy lies about a loved one having a heart attack? That's just wrong) Wanted me to give him another chance and told him lying is a deal breaker for me. His response? "OK, whatever floats you're boat" What a dick.

    Thankfully dodged a bullet with him since little lies lead to big lies. That and he could be a sociopath also icon_eek.gif
  • metta

    Posts: 39133

    Aug 13, 2016 10:05 PM GMT
    Erobert said
    voicefulmarlin saidMove on and if someone wants someone hey will make ye first effort when it's a third time not other your energy!


    This! Very true icon_smile.gif

    Found out he was lying when he texted me today and admitted he lying to me (what kind of guy lies about a loved one having a heart attack? That's just wrong) Wanted me to give him another chance and told him lying is a deal breaker for me. His response? "OK, whatever floats you're boat" What a dick.

    Thankfully dodged a bullet with him since little lies lead to big lies. That and he could be a sociopath also icon_eek.gif


    It is a good think you found out early on. No time for games. icon_smile.gif