Feel like my boyfriend honestly has lost his love for me...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 16, 2016 8:44 AM GMT
    Ok so we have been dating for 3 and a half years (he is my first relationship), and I feel he has lost the spark for me. I am 23, he is 47, so there is a big generation gap. He is successful at what he does, but I am still finding my way. At 23, who isn't? I am very mature for my age, have my own job, and support myself. He is very attractive for his age, and I am naturally inclined to men of his status; stable, secure in themselves.

    So, where is the problem? It all started around six months ago, when his ex started calling him EVERY night. I am sorry, but I instantly got insecure. He works with his ex, so he reassured me it was about work. He answers his every call. When I call him, he almost never picks up and it transfers to his voicemail. I asked him why this is, and he did not have an answer. When I first started seeing him, his ex was even still living with him. He, once again, reassured me that nothing was going on. Me being the optimistic type, believed him, as I was infatuated with him. However, I was the one who finally got the initiative to tell his ex to get his own place. My boyfriend always complained about him, yet I was the one who gave the ultimatum to his ex...?

    It is all just terribly confusing to me, because our sex is FANTASTIC, and he does seem genuinely to be attracted to me. Because this is my first relationship, and he is the man I lost my virginity to, perhaps I just harbor these feelings for him on the basis of 'first time love'? There is SO much more to our relationship than what I am getting across in this message, all of the idiosyncrasies that come with any relationship. Is it just that there is too much of a generational gap between us for us to truly connect? I am just at a standstill. icon_sad.gif

  • Jul 16, 2016 3:11 PM GMT
    You see to know happening in your relationship already. You may not just want to admit it for reasons your in your first relationship an your optimistic. It's typically younger men that loose interest in a relationship after a while because of their urges. In your case it's the other way around. Older men are also influenced by other men that they had been in a relationship for a long time. I think you have to stand up for yourself an talk it out with him.....if he can't be flexible with your request them personally you have to make a decision on whats best for you
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Jul 16, 2016 3:38 PM GMT
    Ya, you need to have a talk. It will probably involve a lot of tears. But it won't necessarily end in separation. Three and a half years is a damn good start in a long term relationship and if your sex is still great, you have good reason to think this can be gotten through. Not because he wants your booty but because he still loves being with you. Understand that he may have some other stuff going on that you don't even know about in the business or his finances or even some unfulfilled kink. I mean, don't start with the assumption that the cause is loss of love. The older you get the more complicated life becomes and sometimes you have to stuff your own insecurities into a box and attend to the possibility that he may have something going on. He may need you more than you know. He may need you more than he knows. Talk.
  • leanandclean

    Posts: 281

    Jul 16, 2016 3:52 PM GMT
    The ex should be more respectful of you and the relationship.
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    Jul 16, 2016 4:37 PM GMT
    I think you have rose colored glasses on. The guy you're with is well seasoned and had more experiences than you, and you're holding on to some sort of fantasy. Obviously the sex is great, a 23 year age difference pretty much only has that to offer, as maintaining a conventional relationship with that age gap has an expiration date on it and limitations. that is what I think is mostly true, unless you actually think that in 10 years or so you think you'll still be wanting to have sex with a 60 year old when you're in your 30s...

    He opened up a window and I would take it, and consider having a relationship or experimenting with some other age groups.
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    Jul 16, 2016 4:56 PM GMT
    the bf is 47 but no guarantee he is emotionally mature. your the smart one, go figure. What you want to do.
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    Jul 16, 2016 6:14 PM GMT
    I just want to thank you all for the responses. I have read through each one and it only affirms my belief that something is wrong, and I am too young to be putting up with this shit. icon_sad.gif It is really hard..

  • Jul 16, 2016 7:11 PM GMT
    Nebraskakid467 saidI just want to thank you all for the responses. I have read through each one and it only affirms my belief that something is wrong, and I am too young to be putting up with this shit. icon_sad.gif It is really hard..
    you will grow from the experience be brave your doing great so far
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    Jul 16, 2016 9:07 PM GMT
    Here's the other side of the coin: Older men tend to be more relaxed in their relationship, and sometimes this relaxed attitude is misperceived by younger, inexperienced people to be symptomatic of lack of interest or lack of affection. Older men, in general, tend to be more pragmatic and more emotionally secure, so often they don't show a lot of emotion and are not bothered by little things that typically bother younger men. This well may be the case here. His behavior may not necessarily reflect his true feelings for you. I'm not sure. I'm in a relationship with an awesome guy who's several years younger than me, and he used to ask me often if I loved him because he thought I didn't show it. I did and I do love him with all my heart, but I needed to learn to show my feelings to him more overtly. Perhaps you and your boyfriend just need to sit down and talk candidly. Best of luck to you.


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    Jul 17, 2016 4:20 AM GMT
    @ Nebraskakid467: as other poster's have said - there "may" be something wrong and you seem like a smart guy - but don't make too many assumptions. Though it's a little hard/scary sometimes... TALK WITH HIM. Set aside a quiet time some day or evening (like a date) and tell him what you've been feeling and what your concerns are. You can even make a list beforehand so you don't get lost/sidetracked.

    Anyone who honestly cares about you will be open to talking. Perhaps his ex is ill or sick? Or perhaps HE is going through something you're not aware of yet - or his family is. Don't corner him but DO tell him you love him and are concerned. Start from there... and Good luck!
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    Jul 17, 2016 4:55 AM GMT
    Nebraskakid467 saidOk so we have been dating for 3 and a half years (he is my first relationship), and I feel he has lost the spark for me. I am 23, he is 47, so there is a big generation gap. He is successful at what he does, but I am still finding my way. At 23, who isn't? I am very mature for my age, have my own job, and support myself. He is very attractive for his age, and I am naturally inclined to men of his status; stable, secure in themselves.

    So, where is the problem? It all started around six months ago, when his ex started calling him EVERY night. I am sorry, but I instantly got insecure. He works with his ex, so he reassured me it was about work. He answers his every call. When I call him, he almost never picks up and it transfers to his voicemail. I asked him why this is, and he did not have an answer. When I first started seeing him, his ex was even still living with him. He, once again, reassured me that nothing was going on. Me being the optimistic type, believed him, as I was infatuated with him. However, I was the one who finally got the initiative to tell his ex to get his own place. My boyfriend always complained about him, yet I was the one who gave the ultimatum to his ex...?

    It is all just terribly confusing to me, because our sex is FANTASTIC, and he does seem genuinely to be attracted to me. Because this is my first relationship, and he is the man I lost my virginity to, perhaps I just harbor these feelings for him on the basis of 'first time love'? There is SO much more to our relationship than what I am getting across in this message, all of the idiosyncrasies that come with any relationship. Is it just that there is too much of a generational gap between us for us to truly connect? I am just at a standstill. icon_sad.gif

    I think the age difference might be contributing to the issue. I mean, if it's to the point where you guys run out of things to talk about, then yeah. But like everyone else said, talk to him about it. And if he doesn't want to talk about it, then there's something going. And it may be time to move on.
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    Jul 19, 2016 7:34 PM GMT
    Hey Nebraskakid - just reading this, and sad to hear that you fear that your relationship is going down the tubes. I always had the sense that you were a really nice guy. I admit to being surprised - just because in the several years that you have been on RJ, I never got the impression that you had a BF. I guess I missed that. But even in this post, you didn't really say that much about your current situation, except that he doesn't pick up when you call, and your calls go to voicemail (and that he didn't have an answer when you questioned this). It's easy to pick up on your feelings of fear, hurt, and neglect, but it's hard to pick up on why. As you say, "There is SO much more to our relationship than what I am getting across in this message." There must be a lot more there, that you know and we don't. You also said that you were "too young to be putting up with this shit." Other than the little you said, we really don't know what you are putting up with.

    The best advice you have gotten so far is from Destinharbor, manboynyc, and others - to talk with the BF - have a heart-to-heart talk with him, and find out where he is at, and where the relationship is, in his eyes. Maybe things are not as bad as you think. You're in the dark as to what is, or is not going on with him, and it is only natural to fear the worst. LTRs survive not only on love, but communication. Without communication, they don't amount to much. I get the impression that he has not been communicating at all. So it's up to you to initiate communication now. You know your feelings. You can feel that things are not right, but you don't know exactly what. And you don't know his feelings. Things may be as bad as you fear, in which case I can empathize with you. How hard it is to have a love relationship come to an end. But if you don't talk, you won't know for sure what's happening. One of my own early mistakes in love, was letting a relationship come to an end without really knowing why, or what the BF was thinking - I only assumed. One of those things which I would do over if I could - but we don't get do-overs in real life. I hope for you that things work out, and your relationship grows.
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    Jul 22, 2016 1:02 AM GMT
    Update time! Firstly, I want to appreciate each and every post you guys contributed, it meant so much and really illuminated my current situation. Since this is my first relationship, I am still learning as I go. I sat down with my bf a couple of nights ago and had a heart-to-heart with him. I expressed all of my feelings; my doubts, insecurities, and just plain anger I was feeling. He sat and listened to all of my concerns without comment, which I appreciated. He explained that communication has never been his strong suit, and that prior relationships of his have crumbled because of lack of communication. I told him that it is a two-way street; I had my feelings bottled up this whole time, and they simmered. We both agreed to communicate better, and if something is troubling either of us, to voice it as SOON as possible.

    Now, with the ex situation. I told him I respected that he had a long relationship with his ex, and that I was not bitter or jealous that he communicated with him. However, I am to be respected, and I did not tolerate him always being able to talk to him (my bf would talk to him over the phone about work WHILE we were eating dinner). I made my bf call him, and I calmly told his ex that he needed to respect me. Also, I told him that during work they can talk all they want. After work, he is to NOT call him. That is my time. My bf vehemently agreed. I told him my insecurity might stem from me being young.

    Also, the sex afterwards was AMAZING. icon_wink.gif