Learning to be single

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 16, 2016 3:16 PM GMT
    So I've never been single in my entire life until about a month ago when my relationship with my first boyfriend ended very badly. I'm 35. I'm finding it extremely difficult to being comfortable by myself. I find myself wanting to chat with anybody just to talk. I've even started talking to my abusive ex again basically as a crutch to have a person there at all times. I know I've got a lot of work to do on myself before I will be able to offer anything to someone else. I'm feeling defeated, empty, alone, sad, depressed. I'm trying really hard to focus on the positives like my children, family, career, and home but it's hard. I had so many dreams of what my life was going to be with my ex and now all of that has vanished. It's just me and my two young kids now. How do I convince myself I am strong enough to do this? How do I dig myself out of the depression? How do I learn to be happy being single? I feel very lost. The other thing I have been doing is prowling Grindr and other apps. For me it is an escape. I get a rush from all the good looking men. But sometimes I spend hours doing it. I always tell myself I'm looking for friends but that's not true. I think I know what I need to do but I'm avoiding the emotions I don't want to feel. I appreciate advice though.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Jul 16, 2016 3:26 PM GMT
    Was your ex a woman? Are they your kids? How old are they? Is your ex involved with the kids?
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    Jul 16, 2016 4:57 PM GMT
    just today; write down what you will do all day.
    setup for tomorrow... the next day too
  • metta

    Posts: 39144

    Jul 16, 2016 5:22 PM GMT
    I think it would be healthy for you to not jump into another relationship for a while. Take a long break from dating. Learn to be content as a single person and don't consider dating again until you are. If you don't, you could easily end up in an unhealthy co-dependent relationship.

    1. be kind to yourself.
    2. learn to enjoy and appreciate spending time by yourself.
    3. spend time with friends that are positive influence. If you don't have those in your life, consider joining a club/organization/group of something that interests you in which you will meet like minded people (not necessarily gay people, unless you specifically feel you need more gay friends).

    (Just 2 cents. I don't know you.)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 16, 2016 5:27 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidWas your ex a woman? Are they your kids? How old are they? Is your ex involved with the kids?

    My ex was a man I was with for a year and a half. My kids are 4 and 2. I started seeing my boyfriend and then asked for a divorce from my wife. My ex boyfriend is no longer involved with the kids.
  • metta

    Posts: 39144

    Jul 16, 2016 6:23 PM GMT


    http://www.towleroad.com/2016/07/brian-justin-crum-believe/
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    Jul 16, 2016 6:30 PM GMT
    I hope this helps:
    I was single up till 40 years old. I married my wife and we stayed together a long time. I met my husband while i was still married. The boy friend and i broke up for a year while I got the divorce. He could not handle the emotion. We got back together. I knew my wife 15 years and my husband (just married December 2015) for 8 years.

    I am telling you this because people's sexuality is sooo different. There are no words to describe your history and loves.

    I have been through so many rough, really rough, times that i so appreciate things now.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 16, 2016 7:04 PM GMT
    pellaz said I hope this helps:
    I was single up till 40 years old. I married my wife and we stayed together a long time. I met my husband while i was still married. The boy friend and i broke up for a year while I got the divorce. He could not handle the emotion. We got back together. I knew my wife 15 years and my husband (just married December 2015) for 8 years.

    I am telling you this because people's sexuality is sooo different. There are no words to describe your history and loves.

    I have been through so many rough, really rough, times that i so appreciate things now.



    Thank you for that. Definitely gives me something I can relate to and gives me hope
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 16, 2016 7:43 PM GMT
    You might look into a group of single parents such as Parents Without Partners, or a group for gay dads. There are many people going through the same things you are and it might be helpful for you to connect with them.
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    Jul 16, 2016 8:41 PM GMT
    At your age, the whole world is at your fingertips. You have plenty of opportunities to be happy. Just because you now find yourself without a "partner" doesn't mean you will not find someone again, perhaps a much better one. I'm impressed with you honesty and candid self-analysis. Understanding your self is critical in trying to move forward, and it appears you're already there. Allow your self time to grieve and don't judge your self too harshly. If it means playing the field for a short while to lessen the pain and disappointment, then be it. If that doesn't work, come to DC and marry me. Best wishes.
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    Jul 17, 2016 1:16 AM GMT
    DOMINUS saidAt your age, the whole world is at your fingertips. You have plenty of opportunities to be happy. Just because you now find yourself without a "partner" doesn't mean you will not find someone again, perhaps a much better one. I'm impressed with you honesty and candid self-analysis. Understanding your self is critical in trying to move forward, and it appears you're already there. Allow your self time to grieve and don't judge your self too harshly. If it means playing the field for a short while to lessen the pain and disappointment, then be it. If that doesn't work, come to DC and marry me. Best wishes.

    Thanks. This is still very raw only about a month since my bf punched me in the face which ended the relationship. I think part of my issue is the trauma that comes along with that too. I'm trying to be good to myself.