Boyfriend is unsatisfied in bed, what do I do?!

  • duude19

    Posts: 1

    Jul 19, 2016 7:39 PM GMT
    First of all, I'm reaching up to you guys even though I haven't for a long time because I know this website has some good feedback. So I am hoping for the best here.

    Recently my boyfriend and I (currently long distance for a month) skyped because he urgently wanted to skype with me. I thought something bad had happened, but apparently he stumbled upon an old POF account of mine where it said I had been active three weeks after we met (like a few weeks after we became official and like a few days before I replied to him by saying I loved him too, yes too fast I know). Anyway, we talked about it. I had no idea why I was active in that website to be honest at that time (that was a year and three or four months ago, can't remember). The other reason that he wanted to talk to me is because we had not been as intimate as we had been in the earlier months of our relationship (aka twice a day sometimes), and he was scared doing it twice a week wasn't healthy for our relationship. He also mentioned he had not expressed to me his thoughts as much (aka a heart to heart) for six months with me, and he missed that, but he resisted because we had both been busy (him with work, me with my 3rd year of university and an international sport competition I was selected to to represent my country in, plus family, plus me and him live on different cities). I attempted to explain that a decrease in sexual activity in couples is normal when the couple is older than a year, because that's what Ive always known and read. So, I thought we somewhat solved the problem by talking about it, and I assured him we were fine and I loved him and so we hung up and I went and did my thing and when I came back, I noticed the following message on my facebook:

    "so if youre not sexually interested in me then who are you sexually interested in? like porn? can we quit porn while youre here in August? i was only doing it before because we were too busy/ or i was mad
    i feel further from you after this conversation than before it
    stop telling me its normal to not have sex, i litterally have to do myself more than half the time because we never do? is that the case for you as well?
    ever since ive been back in calgary ive been helping myself 2-3 times a day litterally since tuesday night that like 6 days so probably 12-15 times so like equal to what we do in 3--5 weeks?
    clearly i was a little pent up
    which is typical we have a day away and ill help myself that number of times every day, or days between when we do it, or even as few as a couple hours before
    and we are wayyy beind in commuication, so just continue to make time to talk to me
    i cant beleive you still trying to lie about when you took those pictures, youre not convincing me and you know your lie makes no sense
    oops did'nt mean to press send on that last one.
    but im serious i need to finally talk to you i have needs too and its selfish of you to not care, just as it is unfair to myself to be stopping ymself from talking to you for 6 months as i have
    its been stressfull and from our recent conversations it hasnt been healthy we dont understand eachother right now and that is not good
    its nice you say were good, maybe because im working so hard to sacrifice my emotiona"

    I'm kind of mad at him right now, I don't know if it is my place to be mad at him right now. It's important to say I guess, that like 8 months ago I cheated on him, and he then cheated on me back 6 months ago. However, I was under the impression we had worked it out and were good. Anyway, what would you guys do in this situation? I just need some guidance here. I don't want to be unfair. Currently thinking to call to take a break for a while at least. We literally just travelled together to two countries for the first time, and thought everything was dandy and then this happens. Thinking taking a break may be an option, i don't know. Anyway, Hope any one can give me some input. Thank you
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jul 19, 2016 8:14 PM GMT
    In a relationship you try to give your partner what he needs. Sometimes you just can't. Beating off is a funny thing. Guys do it when they feel great to rise to higher levels, they do it when they feel bad to feel better. They do it when they're nervous about something. They do it when they're turned on for any number of reasons. Most guys at 21 do it for nearly no reason. Your guys sure likes to do it a lot.

    It sounds like this will be difficult to settle apart. You say you'll be back together in a few weeks. Any chance in telling him you don't want to play blame games, that you still love him and want to stay together, that you haven't cheated on him (since) and don't want to argue over suspicions? Can you both just stop and realize it is hard to be apart?

    If all that works you still need to decide if this is the guy for you and vice-versa. College kids think they're working hard and are super busy all the time. The truth is the level of work and stress is nothing compared to when you get out. Guys who are achieving simply do not have the time to fuck twice/day. If that's what your guy considers a minimum, or even every day, he's being juvenile. But the question is can you do it? Do you want to do it? If not, there's no reason to continue. A good sex life is when both are pretty happy with the way it's going and both are happy when it happens. Not everyone has the same sex drive and whether it is high or low is not a virtue or shameful, it is a piece of who you are and how you operate, how you integrate it and the relationship into the other facets of your life.

    And who knows? It could all blow over in a minute. Maybe he was just feeling insecure about something totally unrelated or feeling unloved. Getting through times like these are the "work" everybody agrees has to be done for a relationship to survive-- but they always surprise and always feel like a crisis. If you get through it, and there will be others, the more you go through, the stronger you will be as a couple because you have confidence the bond is strong enough to withstand. But not every relationship should survive. Only the two of you can decide that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 20, 2016 12:53 AM GMT
    It sounds like you and he view the situation completely differently. He thinks (rightfully so, since you cheated on him) that your lack of sexual interest means that you're interested in someone else instead, or waste it all on porn. You just need to explain to him that neither of those things are true and that it really is normal to drop in frequency a bit. You two apparently have very different sex drives, and that's okay, he just needs to understand that his frequency is not the same as yours.

    It sounds like he feels you're not making an effort to communicate with him on a deeper level. If this relationship is important to you, you'll have to make time for him so that he feels like you're communicating.
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    Jul 20, 2016 3:41 AM GMT
    What do YOU want? Do you want to continue this relationship with him, or do you want to leave it? Relationship problems need to be worked out together, not in the physical sense, but as two people committed to each other. "Taking a break" when the going gets tough might not signal that you want to work things out. It might signal that you want things to work themselves out and NOT having to talk about it will get that result. Or at least, that may be the message he gets if you suggest that.
    There are things that need to be discussed before a commitment: where your values match and where they diverge. Monogamous or non-monogamous; how often you would like to have sex (which you are already seeing as a mismatch with what he thinks); what your weaknesses are and what your strengths are.
    Many people don't want to discuss these things. "It'll ruin things," they say. If that is the thought process, it is based on fear, and fear is almost never good for a relationship, but especially when a relationship is just building its foundation, and does not have the experience of years together to give each of you a sense of permanency. As Nietzsche once said, it is not a lack of love that causes a relationship to fail, it is a lack of friendship. Have you built the friendship part of this enough to withstand his doubts? He has also hidden his true feeling from you. (Not a great sign of his trust and faith in you if he has been doing this for six months.)

    If you cannot be completely honest with your partner, than you will be in a relationship that is not an honest reflection of each of you, and more and more parts of each of you will have to remain hidden in order to stay together. Lies and secrets are never, ever good for any relationship. Can you trust that you can show him ALL of you and he'll still want you, or are you wanting to avoid dealing with a crisis in the hope that he'll want to be in a relationship with you more than he wants an honest relationship with you? What is the truth here? Because right now, he does not believe you are telling him the truth. And he, too, has not told you the truth about his feelings, which is also a sign of a lack of faith in you that his happiness is paramount to you. You can feel whatever you feel - as can he - but when one is truly "in love," the other person's happiness matters every bit as much to you as your own (happiness).

    Unfortunately, the timing of this crisis is not good,what with all the other matters you are facing, but Life does not come in neat little packages. It is messy and it is real. GET REAL and make a pact that you will both always be truthful with each other, even if it is not what the other person wants to hear. Knowing you can trust someone is an enormous part of any good relationship, whether it is a friendship, or a love connection. Without trust, you're simply playing at a relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 20, 2016 6:05 PM GMT
    both you guys have a lot going on in your lives right now with out having to navigating a relationship.


    Cheating is like the memory of you kicking your best friend in the crotch, never fully goes away. the odd thing is how often successful couples say "I love you". You would think once in a long while would be good enough. Just saying if you expect things to return to a normal soon your wrong. Trust lost is not something you can re gain with words and a smile.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 20, 2016 6:49 PM GMT
    Boyfriend Is Unsatisfied In Bed, What Do I Do?!

    Buy a new bed?

    OK, forgetting the smart-ass answer, there's some good advice in previous posts. Above all, make him feel special, however you guys do that, and maybe spoil him a little. Your BF needs attention and affirmation.

    A potential problem with all relationships is that they can lose their initial sparkle & attraction. Which is kinda natural, kinda human. Whether gay or straight, most couples experience that. How you create originality is individual. But attention to your man is key, however you do it.
  • lostlogic

    Posts: 223

    Jul 21, 2016 12:16 AM GMT
    Communication is key, both ways.
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    Jul 21, 2016 6:12 AM GMT
    Art_Deco saidBoyfriend Is Unsatisfied In Bed, What Do I Do?!

    Buy a new bed?

    OK, forgetting the smart-ass answer, there's some good advice in previous posts. Above all, make him feel special, however you guys do that, and maybe spoil him a little. Your BF needs attention and affirmation.

    A potential problem with all relationships is that they can lose their initial sparkle & attraction. Which is kinda natural, kinda human. Whether gay or straight, most couples experience that. How you create originality is individual. But attention to your man is key, however you do it.


    While relationships can lose their initial sparkle and attraction, I am reminded of the axiom "the honeymoon is over after a year." In actuality, it is around the 3rd or 4th year that, allowing that the relationship makes it past the first year (the hardest year) that most couples find themselves divorcing. By the third year, the bloom is off the rose, and you see the person you've claimed to be with forever - but now you see him/her in a clearer, more critical light (he doesn't help in domestic chores, he isn't attentive, he drinks too much, has a mean streak, etc...)

    But losing the sexual interest within the first year? Wellll, unless there is some major crisis, that isn't the usual duration (yes, people are different, but someone with a low sex drive usually shows that within the first 2 months, unless you live in different cities and are separated by distance). Otherwise, what you see in the beginning is, at the very least, a sign of what you can expect to continue (also: barring an illness in the family or in the individual). Losing desire for the other person that quickly is a red flag (again, unless someone is ill) . My desire for my partner increased - not decreased - as my love for him grew. I have observed that this happens mostly when the emotional bond is a satisfying one. When it's not, well.... I hear people say, "The sex dies off in a year," but not too many therapists would agree with that, especially sex therapists. There is usually a (hidden) emotional turmoil underneath a decrease in sex drive towards a partner. Usually.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 21, 2016 8:25 PM GMT
    mcbrion said... There is usually a (hidden) emotional turmoil underneath a decrease in sex drive towards a partner. Usually.
    +1