Oil Changing instructions for men and women

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 20, 2016 5:34 PM GMT
    Oil Change instructions for Women:

    1) Drive into Ultra Tune when the odometer reaches 10,000 kilometres since the last oil change.
    2) Drink a cup of coffee , read paper (both of which are free).
    3) 15 minutes later, swipe the Visa and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

    Money spent:
    Oil Change: $40.00
    Total: $40.00

    Oil Change instructions for Men:

    1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, swipe the Visa for $50.00.
    2) Stop by the Bottle Shop and buy a slab of beer, swipe the Visa for $40, drive home.
    3) Open a beer and drink it.
    4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
    5) Find jack stands under caravan.
    6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
    7) Place drain pan under engine.
    icon_cool.gif Look for 19 mm ring spanner.
    9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
    10) Unscrew drain plug.
    11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Curse and swear.
    12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
    13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
    14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
    15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
    16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly, hide old oil filter among rubbish in rubbish bin to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
    17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
    1icon_cool.gif Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.
    19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
    20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
    21) Drink beer.
    22) Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
    23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
    24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
    25) Begin swearing.
    26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
    27) Swear for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
    2icon_cool.gif Drink beer.
    29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
    30) Drink beer.
    31) Dump in five fresh litres of oil.
    32) Drink beer.
    33) Lower car from jack stands.
    34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
    35) Drink beer.
    36) Test drive car.
    37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
    3icon_cool.gif Car is impounded.
    39) Call loving wife, make bail.
    40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

    Money spent:
    Parts: $50.00
    Driving Under Influence fine: $2500.00
    Impound fee: $75.00
    Bail: $1500.00
    Beer: $40.00
    Total: $4,185.00
    But you know the job was done right!

    hahahahaha.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 20, 2016 7:46 PM GMT
    So very very true.

    I'm old enough to remember that there was a time when taking your car in to have its oil changed was not cheap and it was definitely a big savings to do it yourself. But that was decades ago before these oil change places sprang up everywhere. Now you can even take it to your auto dealer and pay about $40 to get it changed, since they're competing with the oil changers.

    I definitely did items 8 and 11. I ended up using a big pair of adjustable pliers (called ChannelLock here). The truck I had had the oil filter in an impossible place to reach with the ring spanner/wrench.

    Since my car is relatively new I take it to the dealer for the oil change because they also check the hoses and belts and whatnot.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 20, 2016 8:24 PM GMT
    When I change my own car oil & filter it's way cheaper than any commercial place. The only time I take it to the dealer is when it's under warranty, and I want to have a verifiable copy of the work having been done at prescribed intervals. In case there's a future warranty claim.

    Afterwards, I do it myself. But then I'm a school-trained, certified Master Auto Mechanic. True, completed back in 1969, but oil changes haven't changed since then, despite the revolution in car technology since that era. I don't commit any of the amateur blunders for men listed in the OP.

    Nor do a lot of other guys. An amusing list, but hardly typical. Perhaps our classic auto expert freedomisntfree (although currently in hidden mode, or maybe using a new SN?) would care to comment.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 21, 2016 2:29 PM GMT
    life skills define us and is art. So know what you can bring to the table:
    What you excel with
    pick what you want to struggle with
    what is a personal setup for failure

    if you like the art in someone put a ring on it
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 21, 2016 4:49 PM GMT
    The only snag I've ever run into changing oil was when I added the Beemer to the stable. Requires a 52mm socket (with a 3/8 drive, or reverse adapter, if you want to torque it properly) to remove the filter housing. Neither of which are available in a small town and had to be sent away for. As did the filter and o-ring set.

    The Jeep and the Dodge both use the exact same filter, and both are located right out in the open. No jacking or contortions needed. The whole process takes about five minutes.

    Except... One time I did throw down some kitty litter over night to soak up an oil spill. Somehow I've trained the damned cats to pee on the floor under the Jeep, and they just won't stop doing it. icon_mad.gif
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Jul 21, 2016 6:12 PM GMT
    Many years ago - used to change my own oil - even maintain the dual carburetors on my old Volvo.

    These days - not worth the bother and mess - just go to a place that specializes in lubrication and oil changes. Besides, I don't have to concern myself with how to recycle the oil, as is now required, instead of burning it.