Gay but want a more traditional kind of life

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 22, 2016 3:37 PM GMT
    So I am a very LTR minded kind of guy. I'm single right now which is cool. I feel like the only guy who isn't in to drugs, alcohol, threesomes, poly relationships, nudists, the list could go on. I'm not a prude and I believe whatever makes you happy and you aren't hurting someone than go for it. I just personally feel discouraged because I want a man to spend my life with. I want that affection and intimacy with a partner so that sex feels amazing. I don't want a 40 year old alcoholic who doesn't have a job or a car and still lives with mommy or 5 roommates or crashes at other peoples homes. LOL. Please people tell me there's hope. Jesus Christ Almighty
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    Jul 22, 2016 3:45 PM GMT
    Your dating preferences are probably racist. How can you eliminate all the gay Trump supporters.
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    Jul 22, 2016 3:50 PM GMT
    pellaz saidYour dating preferences are probably racist. How can you eliminate all the gay Trump supporters.

    Oh shit I'm totally fucked then because I like that country boy look too lol. Big arms, hands, facial hair. 235 6'. lol. Maybe my problem is I'm looking for the guys who are kind of meat heads
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jul 22, 2016 3:53 PM GMT
    Well, first off, your profile says you're in a monogamous relationship so either you're looking to cheat on your guy or you're misleading anyone who looks at you. And of course, your profile says nothing about you. Second of all, it sounds like you're so busy listing everything that is unacceptable to you that you leave no room for the other guy to have opinions, a life, experiences, a personality. I suggest you stop laying out your non-negotiables and start trying to get past your prejudices. You're not going to attract anyone by asking them to dance to your tune. Oh, and exit the closet. Only cowards and dependent kids live in the closet in the US these days.
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    Jul 22, 2016 4:01 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidWell, first off, your profile says you're in a monogamous relationship so either you're looking to cheat on your guy or you're misleading anyone who looks at you. And of course, your profile says nothing about you. Second of all, it sounds like you're so busy listing everything that is unacceptable to you that you leave no room for the other guy to have opinions, a life, experiences, a personality. I suggest you stop laying out your non-negotiables and start trying to get past your prejudices. You're not going to attract anyone by asking them to dance to your tune. Oh, and exit the closet. Only cowards and dependent kids live in the closet in the US these days.

    I love your posts. You're right I haven't updated it. But why shouldn't I demand what I want out of life? Are you suggesting I should just accept someone who's a 40 year old loser with no job so he can mooch off me? Or maybe go smoke a bowl with someone? No. I want to find someone who isn't dependent on a substance. Has ambitions, a career. Isn't a sex addict who wants to fuck everything that moves. I mean seriously I'm not asking for perfection how bout someone who isn't a loser
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    Jul 22, 2016 4:10 PM GMT
    The guys you're looking for exist, but they're all married or partnered now. Come to think of it, if there were unmarried/unpartnered gay guys who had a career, had integrity, were not into drugs or alcohol, were not ho's, were not into "poly relationships" or "threesomes," etc., do you think they'd be on gay or sex sites or at gay clubs looking for a date/potential partner? No, they'd be somewhere else spending their time in productive ways.
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    Jul 22, 2016 4:17 PM GMT
    zoltar saidSo I am a very LTR minded kind of guy. I'm single right now which is cool. I feel like the only guy who isn't in to drugs, alcohol, threesomes, poly relationships, nudists, the list could go on.

    Please people tell me there's hope. Jesus Christ Almighty


    You're in San Diego? A major small city in California. There are tons of gay guys there who aren't into drugs, alcohol, threesomes, poly relationships, nudity - etc.

    You just have to be available and keep looking. Try meeting people IRL - activities/supermarkets/organizations/gay athletic organizations. Go to parties - you can see who's an alcoholic, and a large percentage of guys meet dating material through friends.
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    Jul 22, 2016 4:42 PM GMT
    zoltar saidSo I am a very LTR minded kind of guy. I'm single right now which is cool. I feel like the only guy who isn't in to drugs, alcohol, threesomes, poly relationships, nudists, the list could go on.


    You know you've just eliminated a good 90 percent of this community, right? I was a bit like you. I didn't think poly stuff was constructive. But then I experienced it and realized you can feel love for more than one person at the same time (if you're lucky). You love your mom and your dad, right? You will likely fall in love more than once in your lifetime too. This is the gay community. Men dealing with men. Just know that you will most likely be in an open or poly relationship of some sort at some point, either knowingly or unknowingly. Your choice.
  • tazzari

    Posts: 2929

    Jul 22, 2016 4:52 PM GMT
    I don't recognize the picture you paint. It must be the crowd you hang out with. Among my many gay friends I don't see any of the things you describe - other than the odd bit of getting pretty drunk at a reception or New Year's party. Five of my friends are in long-term relationships of up to 45 years, and all are professional and hard-working, or retired and doing interesting things.

    Maybe it's how you meet people? I've met my circle of friends through networking, my church, skiing...
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    Jul 22, 2016 5:12 PM GMT
    tazzari saidI don't recognize the picture you paint. It must be the crowd you hang out with. Among my many gay friends I don't see any of the things you describe - other than the odd bit of getting pretty drunk at a reception or New Year's party. Five of my friends are in long-term relationships of up to 45 years, and all are professional and hard-working, or retired and doing interesting things.

    Maybe it's how you meet people? I've met my circle of friends through networking, my church, skiing...

    I think you're right. it's how I am meeting people. I don't have gay friends because I lived a hetero life till recently. I'm trying to find friends first but it's not easy
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jul 22, 2016 5:44 PM GMT
    zoltar said
    Destinharbor saidWell, first off, your profile says you're in a monogamous relationship so either you're looking to cheat on your guy or you're misleading anyone who looks at you. And of course, your profile says nothing about you. Second of all, it sounds like you're so busy listing everything that is unacceptable to you that you leave no room for the other guy to have opinions, a life, experiences, a personality. I suggest you stop laying out your non-negotiables and start trying to get past your prejudices. You're not going to attract anyone by asking them to dance to your tune. Oh, and exit the closet. Only cowards and dependent kids live in the closet in the US these days.

    I love your posts. You're right I haven't updated it. But why shouldn't I demand what I want out of life? Are you suggesting I should just accept someone who's a 40 year old loser with no job so he can mooch off me? Or maybe go smoke a bowl with someone? No. I want to find someone who isn't dependent on a substance. Has ambitions, a career. Isn't a sex addict who wants to fuck everything that moves. I mean seriously I'm not asking for perfection how bout someone who isn't a loser


    Because by being dogmatic in your demands, you drive away anyone who doesn't fit the bill perfectly. I toke occasionally and have two glasses of wine in the evenings. So immediately I would be off your list. (The only time my guy has ever seen me smashed was when he specifically asked me to get smashed so he could see what I was like when smashed. I drank martini's that night in Key West. It was fun if I remember correctly.) My guy had no career when we met and now he's hired internationally and has a national reputation in his field. You've seen his work. And honestly, was not in most ways what I was looking for but when we met we fell in love immediately. Nine years next month. By setting out a checklist of your non-negotiables, any guy with an ounce of self-respect will just walk away. And you will never know the pleasure of being surprised by some great guy.

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    Jul 22, 2016 6:06 PM GMT
    Destinharbor said
    zoltar said
    Destinharbor saidWell, first off, your profile says you're in a monogamous relationship so either you're looking to cheat on your guy or you're misleading anyone who looks at you. And of course, your profile says nothing about you. Second of all, it sounds like you're so busy listing everything that is unacceptable to you that you leave no room for the other guy to have opinions, a life, experiences, a personality. I suggest you stop laying out your non-negotiables and start trying to get past your prejudices. You're not going to attract anyone by asking them to dance to your tune. Oh, and exit the closet. Only cowards and dependent kids live in the closet in the US these days.

    I love your posts. You're right I haven't updated it. But why shouldn't I demand what I want out of life? Are you suggesting I should just accept someone who's a 40 year old loser with no job so he can mooch off me? Or maybe go smoke a bowl with someone? No. I want to find someone who isn't dependent on a substance. Has ambitions, a career. Isn't a sex addict who wants to fuck everything that moves. I mean seriously I'm not asking for perfection how bout someone who isn't a loser


    Because by being dogmatic in your demands, you drive away anyone who doesn't fit the bill perfectly. I toke occasionally and have two glasses of wine in the evenings. So immediately I would be off your list. (The only time my guy has ever seen me smashed was when he specifically asked me to get smashed so he could see what I was like when smashed. I drank martini's that night in Key West. It was fun if I remember correctly.) My guy had no career when we met and now he's hired internationally and has a national reputation in his field. You've seen his work. And honestly, was not in most ways what I was looking for but when we met we fell in love immediately. Nine years next month. By setting out a checklist of your non-negotiables, any guy with an ounce of self-respect will just walk away. And you will never know the pleasure of being surprised by some great guy.



    I've already been surprised enough by finding an abusive alcoholic with no job who misrepresented himself as this educated person. So the story can go both ways my friend. No thanks. I'd rather everyone lay their expectations on the table up front so we don't waste each others time. I learned a lot from my first relationship. This love conquers all is not true. You can't fix abusive alcoholic. You can't expect someone to find a job and be ambitious when they don't want to be.
  • nice_chap

    Posts: 274

    Jul 22, 2016 6:48 PM GMT
    zoltar said I don't want a 40 year old alcoholic who doesn't have a job or a car and still lives with mommy or 5 roommates or crashes at other peoples homes. LOL. Please people tell me there's hope. Jesus Christ Almighty


    Of course there is hope, you just need to keep lowering your standards. icon_rolleyes.gif

    Honestly though, try to stop judging people so harshly. You've lumped all of those faults together and written them off as a large chunk of the single gay population.

    There are nice guys who live with their parents at a mature age. There are nice guys who don't drive, and therefore don't own a car. There are guys working their asses off at shitty underpaid jobs and living in overcrowded flats, yet give all the free time and effort they can to help their relatives and friends when they need them. Just because someone is not living in a desirable situation does not mean he's a drunk and a druggy, and is not capable of intelligent conversation and possibly showing you that bit of love and affection that you're craving. Like Destinharbour says - get over some of your prejudices, and try getting to know guys beyond what you consider to be their flaws.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jul 22, 2016 6:55 PM GMT


    "I've already been surprised enough by finding an abusive alcoholic with no job who misrepresented himself as this educated person. So the story can go both ways my friend. No thanks. I'd rather everyone lay their expectations on the table up front so we don't waste each others time. I learned a lot from my first relationship. This love conquers all is not true. You can't fix abusive alcoholic. You can't expect someone to find a job and be ambitious when they don't want to be. "[/quote]

    Sounds more like unresolved issues with your ex than a roadmap to your future.
  • TallAsian

    Posts: 27

    Jul 23, 2016 1:31 PM GMT
    Keeping things simple is the best strategy. Focus on those qualities that you are looking for rather than those that you are not. Keep in mind that having people with differing ideas and opinions often makes one's live richer and expands one's own views and experiences. Having only people who share all you own views and values can often lead to a very stale existence.
  • Countryboyev

    Posts: 11

    Jul 25, 2016 7:11 AM GMT
    zoltar saidSo I am a very LTR minded kind of guy. I'm single right now which is cool. I feel like the only guy who isn't in to drugs, alcohol, threesomes, poly relationships, nudists, the list could go on. I'm not a prude and I believe whatever makes you happy and you aren't hurting someone than go for it. I just personally feel discouraged because I want a man to spend my life with. I want that affection and intimacy with a partner so that sex feels amazing. I don't want a 40 year old alcoholic who doesn't have a job or a car and still lives with mommy or 5 roommates or crashes at other peoples homes. LOL. Please people tell me there's hope. Jesus Christ Almighty


    Please let me know if you find this, or any tips you find. I'm seeking the same.
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    Jul 25, 2016 7:47 AM GMT
    It's mistake to be negative online as you will only attract people with a negative mindset. Be prepared to sacrifice some of your wants but don't discount that you may get lucky and get want you want. You may also find he may in turn judge you and that has its own scars to leave you with. If you want no baggage from a guy go for a twink. If you prefer experience then accept people all have their own journey and the only ones likely to have little in the way of issues is going to be the living with mother 40 yr old or the twink. The others you just have to work out if you can deal with their issues as they surface as best you can. No one is perfect and remember that if you wish to judge others then accept you could be judged in turn by them
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1114

    Jul 27, 2016 11:24 PM GMT
    zoltar said I don't want a 40 year old.......still lives with mommy or 5 roommates or crashes at other peoples homes. LOL. Please people tell me there's hope. Jesus Christ Almighty


    Funny because I had my mother live with me several times in the past when she needed someone to take care of her, but it was never on issue with the guys I've dated or were in a relationship with! quite the contrary; a guy who live with a parent, and take good care of them, in my opinion and personal experience, have the potential to be a great partner. A loving and caring son usually makes a better lover and life partner in my experience. Furthermore just because you have a parent living with you it doesn't make you a mama's boy, or not capable to make decisions on your own. .
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    Jul 28, 2016 1:28 AM GMT
    LEANDRO_NJ said
    Funny because I had my mother live with me several times in the past when she needed someone to take care of her, but it was never on issue with the guys I've dated or were in a relationship with! quite the contrary; a guy who live with a parent, and take good care of them, in my opinion and personal experience, have the potential to be a great partner. A loving and caring son usually makes a better lover and life partner in my experience. Furthermore just because you have a parent living with you it doesn't make you a mama's boy, or not capable to make decisions on your own. .

    Dear Leandro, so nice to see you do a post again. They always give me pleasure. icon_biggrin.gif

    Your scenario is somewhat a reverse of the point some guys are making here, but nevertheless a good one in its own right. And I suppose some straight guys take elderly parents in, too, it's not just gays who would do that.

    My husband did so when his own mother was in her 90s, before I met him. She wasn't seriously infirm, even at that age, but still needed some care-taking, especially since she no longer chose to drive.

    He tells me she was a pistol. And loved to be around gay guys. Went to gay clubs with him, parties at gay homes, she became a regular on the gay scene. A whole new life for her, and she was very popular, as his friends who knew her tell me. She even had her favorite gay bartenders that she always wanted to see. Even though all she drank was Shirley Temples.

    Point is, the scenario you describe is very possible. And I think the son's (or daugher's) role should be admired. A true mark of family love & support.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1114

    Jul 28, 2016 2:28 AM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    LEANDRO_NJ said
    Funny because I had my mother live with me several times in the past when she needed someone to take care of her, but it was never on issue with the guys I've dated or were in a relationship with! quite the contrary; a guy who live with a parent, and take good care of them, in my opinion and personal experience, have the potential to be a great partner. A loving and caring son usually makes a better lover and life partner in my experience. Furthermore just because you have a parent living with you it doesn't make you a mama's boy, or not capable to make decisions on your own. .

    Dear Leandro, so nice to see you do a post again. They always give me pleasure. icon_biggrin.gif

    Your scenario is somewhat a reverse of the point some guys are making here, but nevertheless a good one in its own right. And I suppose some straight guys take elderly parents in, too, it's not just gays who would do that.

    My husband did so when his own mother was in her 90s, before I met him. She wasn't seriously infirm, even at that age, but still needed some care-taking, especially since she no longer chose to drive.

    He tells me she was a pistol. And loved to be around gay guys. Went to gay clubs with him, parties at gay homes, she became a regular on the gay scene. A whole new life for her, and she was very popular, as his friends who knew her tell me. She even had her favorite gay bartenders that she always wanted to see. Even though all she drank was Shirley Temples.

    Point is, the scenario you describe is very possible. And I think the son's (or daugher's) role should be admired. A true mark of family love & support.


    My dear friend my mother nor anyone in my family have never had issues with who I choose to love! that said I am perfectly aware there are many gay men who have not lived this family scenarios. But I can assure you there is also a lot of gay men who share my experience as well.

    I was raised by a mother who did not remarried, even thou she could have at the time when my parents separated. But she chose to educate and raised her children on her own instead. My mother worked very hard and sacrificed her personal life for the well being of my siblings and I. Now that she is getting closer to being eighty, and decided to no longer drive, I feel is my duty to be there for her whenever she needs someone to help her or drive her around, as she did when my siblings and I were younger.

    I am very upfront about my mother's needs to my dates and every relationship I've being in, and the majority have never had an issue with that. I pay my own bills, home mortgage, and expenses, even thou I am always there for my mother whenever she needs me, and I have never said no to her when she does over a date! I am far from being a mama's boy or needy for that matter. That said I don't understand why a single child, straight, gay, or bi will feel ashamed for living or being part of their parent's life at their old age. Looking after my elderly mother have taught me a lot about love and compassion, two things I can never live without!

    Is always being a pleasure interacting with you over the years, and seeing how much you've grown as a human being. You are also an inspiration to me and many others on this site, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.
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    Jul 28, 2016 3:13 AM GMT
    Now you guys are just playing on my words. I'm talking about guys who never left home and still live with mommy. I'm not talking about successful men who now care for a parent. That's different. My point was I want someone who is self sufficient, not that I hate mothers
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1114

    Jul 28, 2016 11:28 AM GMT
    zoltar saidNow you guys are just playing on my words. I'm talking about guys who never left home and still live with mommy. I'm not talking about successful men who now care for a parent. That's different. My point was I want someone who is self sufficient, not that I hate mothers


    The way the economy is these days you never know for sure, no matter how successful or not, if tomorrow you'll need someone(specially no one better then your parents) to depend on; so judging a gay man as a looser or a failure because he does not hold a job, and thus have no means or limitations to hold his own, is in my opinion very insensitive and unrealistic on your part.
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    Jul 30, 2016 5:48 PM GMT
    LEANDRO_NJ said
    zoltar saidNow you guys are just playing on my words. I'm talking about guys who never left home and still live with mommy. I'm not talking about successful men who now care for a parent. That's different. My point was I want someone who is self sufficient, not that I hate mothers


    The way the economy is these days you never know for sure, no matter how successful or not, if tomorrow you'll need someone(specially no one better then your parents) to depend on; so judging a gay man as a looser or a failure because he does not hold a job, and thus have no means or limitations to hold his own, is in my opinion very insensitive and unrealistic on your part.

    You guys continue to twist my words. There's a difference between someone down on their luck versus someone who's a lazy ass that doesn't want to work. I'm talking about the lazy guy who doesn't want to work. I'm not a Sugar Daddy and I don't take in charity cases. I'm actually very surprised at people's responses here. If you're willing to accept person withat no job or ambition to find one well good luck with that lol
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1114

    Jul 31, 2016 2:17 PM GMT
    zoltar said
    LEANDRO_NJ said
    zoltar saidNow you guys are just playing on my words. I'm talking about guys who never left home and still live with mommy. I'm not talking about successful men who now care for a parent. That's different. My point was I want someone who is self sufficient, not that I hate mothers


    The way the economy is these days you never know for sure, no matter how successful or not, if tomorrow you'll need someone(specially no one better then your parents) to depend on; so judging a gay man as a looser or a failure because he does not hold a job, and thus have no means or limitations to hold his own, is in my opinion very insensitive and unrealistic on your part.

    You guys continue to twist my words. There's a difference between someone down on their luck versus someone who's a lazy ass that doesn't want to work. I'm talking about the lazy guy who doesn't want to work. I'm not a Sugar Daddy and I don't take in charity cases. I'm actually very surprised at people's responses here. If you're willing to accept person withat no job or ambition to find one well good luck with that lol


    Lack of compassion or "putting oneself in someone else shoes" can change an unmotivated or even a lazy person to turn his life around. The kind of lazy people you may be referring to are those who are totally controlled by an addiction, and then there is the lazy person who needs validation, compassion, and self worth when misfortunes strikes them ( no fault of their own) God knows WE ALL go through it at some point or many times in our lives.
  • Eleven

    Posts: 150

    Jul 31, 2016 2:27 PM GMT
    You cant always get what you want .

    But if you try real hard

    You get what you need