A strange marriage turn off

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 25, 2016 4:50 PM GMT
    about a month and a half ago I had a last a tough experience with my boyfriend.
    Since i met him i was crazy in love and it was the first time i ever met someone i wanted to marry. We went through a hard time with a lot of lies on his part which should have damaged my trust in him - and well they did and i've been slowly learning to trust him again.
    But that process got stalled about a month and a half ago. It was him going with some friends to a place i dislike... when he got back to the city him and i were suddenly tense - in the midst of our mild argument he declared that his friend's impending wedding- and the process of the wedding planning - inspired him to want strippers at his bachelor's party. Well, to realllllly want strippers.
    This isn’t new, he has always wanted to go to the strippers, and has quite a fascination with them (either male or female - he is bi) It makes me very, very uncomfortable. My reasons are partially because i dated a stripper for two months once and it was one of the worst most painful experiences of my life.
    The second reason is I am uncomfortable with seeing strippers on a moral sense. I mean I have seen them with that ex, but the experience confirmed to me that it is not my thing.
    So in the past my boyfriend and I have gotten in a few big fights (in fact our first ever fight was abaout strippers)…. where he has gotten very angry over my dislike of strippers. And i have been angry over his interest in them and his behaviour about his body that reminds me of that (just revealing body pictures on instagram and wanting to be a nude model) and not that i am afraid the nude body or shy of my own body (I am comfortable in my skin and i have a great body)... but i just don't want to post my body everywhere no see my boyfriends body everywhere, I feel it is inappropriate and asking for undue attention...
    Anyway, so i have a moral disagreement with strippers... and the thought of having strippers at his bachelor party makes me sick. I have been trying to get over it for the last month and some but i cant.
    If I talk to him about it I know he wont see my point of view on this (He tends to see himself as right) He won’t understand how much it hurts me or give it up out of love for me.
    Thing is it makes me so sick the first thing that ran through my head is to him the most exciting thing about the whole marriage event is strippers at his party- and i can only picture it in my mind and i want to puke.
    He wouldn't just be like - oh its fine if you don’t want strippers i won’t do strippers. And even if he did make that decision i believe he would forget that promise and either do it anyway, possibly not tell me, possibly completely forget about the promise (he has forgotten these things in the past) or he would just go sometime and live this private strippers fantasy in some instance before the bachelor party.
    and not that I haven't said i wouldn't go to a strip club with him, but its a huge personal sacrifice for me - and just knowing how much he wants to go kinda makes it way worse. I just don't want to go to the local strip clubs in case i see my ex and his stripper friends.
    Am i off base for literally feeling like i'm uncomfortable marrying him anymore because of strippers at a bachelor party?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 25, 2016 5:22 PM GMT
    wenpowel said... Am i off base for literally feeling like i'm uncomfortable marrying him...
    dont marry him.
    -couples together more than 3 years have a lower divorce rate
    -He should Respect your opinions. possibly you can get over your whatever (moral sense). Success at bargaining and accepting (Communication) really tells the success of a marriage. Do you not Trust him? You got to Trust him or looking over our shoulder will kill the relationship.

    Sounds like you guys love each other so put your best t-shirt on and go to city hall and get married when you guys have more experiences together. Married or not dosnt change you instead it provides you a nice well proven legal package that helps create a household.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4913

    Jul 25, 2016 5:38 PM GMT
    You sound like a jealous girl. You two are not even close to ready to get married. If you are thinking about it seriously, you'd better learn to accept him as he is and trust him. Anything else is a guarantee that your relationship will fail fast. As to his side, what are his responsibilities to hear you and respect your needs, well, I have no idea how that is working other than this one example but from this epistle, I'm inclined to guess that you nag him a lot and he's learned to disregard it. I've seen relationships like that work in m/f couples and since he's bi, maybe it could work here. As long as your nagging is offset by some positive traits he values.

    My guy loves Ultimate frisbee which bores me to tears. So I don't go or watch. But I don't mind at all that he does. I use that time as an opportunity to do something he isn't into, usually eating boiled shrimp, lol.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 25, 2016 11:41 PM GMT
    At best, it doesn't *sound* like the two of you are ready for marriage. At worst, it doesn't sound like the two of you are a match. And if I'm wrong, I'm still not seeing an attempt at compromise -- just an assertion that he should stop something because it bothers you. Although I'm not sure what the compromise would be...
    ...And this is coming from someone who actually agrees with your stance. I'm not a fan of that scene. But I also have no plans to seriously date someone who is.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 26, 2016 9:32 AM GMT
    As the OP I figure I might continue/clarify that I suppose that my ideology surrounding marriage is one that its a beautiful process where one celebrates who they are and then celebrate coming together as one. I am just disappointed that while ive made compromise on this issue Im saddened that in his night of personal celebration he wishes most to have strippers. And I feel so opposed to that morally that it shows more that we are not one, at all... so, well yeah clearly we are a long way from being ready for that. I may wear his ring but marriage is premature for both of us. and true I am aware that better communication is needed