Why can't I enjoy sex?

  • dido8

    Posts: 7

    Jul 28, 2016 5:54 PM GMT
    Hello,

    Basically for me, sex as a bottom is uncomfortable and as a top is intimidating.

    As a Top:

    When I was a virgin, I often though of topping. I am more attracted to ass than to dicks, and I tried to play with my ass a little and did not enjoy it.
    The first time I had sex was as a Top and things were going well until I started to feel intimidated by the bottom, scared that I was not gonna be able to cum,
    and I got tired. I have this idea that bottoms expect the top to be dominant, strong and in control. I feel like I can not enjoy it. I have been with somewhat passive tops and i did not enjoy it.
    I think the condom also threw me off since the feeling was different and I could barely feel his ass. I ended up loosing my erection, and I felt so bad, I thought I was a bad top and never tried it again.
    I still have thoughts when I see some guys with cute butts, where I want to play with their body and ass, but when I think of me penetrating them I freak out.
    Also, Im 5.5 in dick size and i feel like most bottoms may be disappointed by that.

    As a bottom:

    Then, I decided to try bottoming since some of my fantasies at the time involved being a bottom and even a submissive bottom. (cumdump porn turns me on, specially when the bottom is really into it)
    Bottoming went better, but I still feel like it is not as pleasurable as others make it seem. For me bottoming is painful and uncomfortable, rarely pleasurable. I find that I can cum a lot with a dildo up my ass without moving it much, but that’s not really anal sex though.
    Then I have tried fingering myself and butt plugs from time to time to open enough for sex to not be uncomfortable. It has not worked. When I use a dildo I find myself thinking, “this is so uncomfortable why am I doing this”. But the idea of dicks/dildos going in me with easy (hard and fast) turns me on a lot.

    A friend told me that maybe I’m just not build to have penetrative sex and just stick to oral. I like oral and I am very good at it. However, I am afraid that my fear and anxiety is stopping me from enjoying sex and I will limit myself by assuming that I’m just good for oral.

    What do you guys think? How can I enjoy sex as top and/or bottom? I am 25 years old by the way.

    Thank you for taking the time
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jul 28, 2016 9:08 PM GMT
    Wow. You're off to a rough start. Sounds like you are truly Vers, something I was beginning to doubt really existed. Though from what you write you've started badly in both. I think fantasy is a pretty good indicator of your natural inclinations sexually and you seem to have a natural desire for both. Some do. And those who do seem very happy to let the world know that flip fucking is the best. Probably is. I'm vers, too, but flip fucking is out of the question. Once I go down the road of top or bottom with a guy, it generally stays that way though sometimes I can alternate on different days.

    Your experience bottoming: You are absolutely right that a dildo or fingering is not great, though interesting. Have you ever had a guy take his time opening you up and helping you relax before entering you? When I first started I was lucky to be with a guy who knew I needed that and over time I was able to get the technique down to relax myself but it was a learned thing. It isn't something you just start doing. The muscle is designed to stay shut and only with practice can you learn to relax it. But even then, the initial entrance of a cock is painful. If you don't fight it, use your voice to ask him to "hold a sec" while you relax, bit more, "hold," you can eventually take him in. And with enough lube, i.e. LOTS, the pain gives way to the pleasure and once you've experienced that, the pain kind of becomes part of it, not something you fear. Use your voice. Talk to your partner. He won't mind if he's a good guy. Even with a couple used to regular sex, sometimes you go through this step just because some days it is needed. No biggie. You can get where you want to go as a bottom. Use your dildo to help learn the relaxation technique. I had one and used it then threw it away once I no longer needed it. Don't get one any bigger than you expect a partner will be, or even a bit smaller.

    Topping: You've developed performance anxiety and that can be tough to get around. The 5.5 isn't an issue. Just forget that. That's average. Average is fine. Technique matters more and my guess is enthusiasm will get you where you want to go with that. Condoms are awful. I hate them, too, for the reasons you do. But unless you have a guy who is monogamous and you get on Prep, they're a fact of life for a top. You can get more used to them over time and with practice, and some are more shear than others. Many have a desensitizing agent in them to help you last longer which I always thought was exactly what I don't want when I top. Just play with condoms and find a brand that you like better and you'll get to where they will at least not make you lose your hard on. Barebacking is best but you'd better not even think about it without knowing the guy very well and having a history you can trust. And even then Prep is a good idea unless you're a committed couple living together.

    Now, back to the performance anxiety part. You need a boyfriend. A boyfriend is a guy you just like so much. And he feels thrilled to be with you. Scan any group of profiles (other than Grindr) and one thing that almost always jumps out-- the thing most guys crave is cuddling. Closeness. Touching. Just be up-front and confess you have a performance anxiety. If he's the kind of guy you want, he'll care more for you than getting fucked. Keep giving it a go and when it doesn't happen, just don't let it rattle you. Keep going, keep touching, keep kissing, feeling. Talk. Coo. And most importantly, laugh. Sex isn't good unless at some point something so ridiculous happens that you burst out laughing. Do not shut down. In time, the anxiety will abate. Trust me, it's true. And like any good couple, the shared experience will draw you closer together.

    Good luck, mate. You sound like a good guy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 28, 2016 9:40 PM GMT
    I concur with Destinyharbour that you need someone patient and into you to have a truely fun sexual experience that will help negate the negative ones you have been unlucky enough to encounter. Topping is about filling him up, sure but with pleasure so forgot porn movie expectations, you need to go into that experience wanting both you and the guy bottoming to experience pleasure. When you are bottoming, if you experience pain stop, wait then start again. If he can't handle that he is just being selfish and might be that you need to abort and try again another time with some one who will care to relax you properly. Again forget about the porn moves they are some peoples fantasy and not real so not something you need to try to emulate.
  • dido8

    Posts: 7

    Jul 29, 2016 12:41 AM GMT
    Destinharbor saidWow. You're off to a rough start. Sounds like you are truly Vers, something I was beginning to doubt really existed. Though from what you write you've started badly in both. I think fantasy is a pretty good indicator of your natural inclinations sexually and you seem to have a natural desire for both. Some do. And those who do seem very happy to let the world know that flip fucking is the best. Probably is. I'm vers, too, but flip fucking is out of the question. Once I go down the road of top or bottom with a guy, it generally stays that way though sometimes I can alternate on different days.

    Your experience bottoming: You are absolutely right that a dildo or fingering is not great, though interesting. Have you ever had a guy take his time opening you up and helping you relax before entering you? When I first started I was lucky to be with a guy who knew I needed that and over time I was able to get the technique down to relax myself but it was a learned thing. It isn't something you just start doing. The muscle is designed to stay shut and only with practice can you learn to relax it. But even then, the initial entrance of a cock is painful. If you don't fight it, use your voice to ask him to "hold a sec" while you relax, bit more, "hold," you can eventually take him in. And with enough lube, i.e. LOTS, the pain gives way to the pleasure and once you've experienced that, the pain kind of becomes part of it, not something you fear. Use your voice. Talk to your partner. He won't mind if he's a good guy. Even with a couple used to regular sex, sometimes you go through this step just because some days it is needed. No biggie. You can get where you want to go as a bottom. Use your dildo to help learn the relaxation technique. I had one and used it then threw it away once I no longer needed it. Don't get one any bigger than you expect a partner will be, or even a bit smaller.

    Topping: You've developed performance anxiety and that can be tough to get around. The 5.5 isn't an issue. Just forget that. That's average. Average is fine. Technique matters more and my guess is enthusiasm will get you where you want to go with that. Condoms are awful. I hate them, too, for the reasons you do. But unless you have a guy who is monogamous and you get on Prep, they're a fact of life for a top. You can get more used to them over time and with practice, and some are more shear than others. Many have a desensitizing agent in them to help you last longer which I always thought was exactly what I don't want when I top. Just play with condoms and find a brand that you like better and you'll get to where they will at least not make you lose your hard on. Barebacking is best but you'd better not even think about it without knowing the guy very well and having a history you can trust. And even then Prep is a good idea unless you're a committed couple living together.

    Now, back to the performance anxiety part. You need a boyfriend. A boyfriend is a guy you just like so much. And he feels thrilled to be with you. Scan any group of profiles (other than Grindr) and one thing that almost always jumps out-- the thing most guys crave is cuddling. Closeness. Touching. Just be up-front and confess you have a performance anxiety. If he's the kind of guy you want, he'll care more for you than getting fucked. Keep giving it a go and when it doesn't happen, just don't let it rattle you. Keep going, keep touching, keep kissing, feeling. Talk. Coo. And most importantly, laugh. Sex isn't good unless at some point something so ridiculous happens that you burst out laughing. Do not shut down. In time, the anxiety will abate. Trust me, it's true. And like any good couple, the shared experience will draw you closer together.

    Good luck, mate. You sound like a good guy.


    Thank you so much for your reply. You mention really good points. I really appreciate that you took the time to reply.
    Yes, I have thought about having a boyfriend would help more for exploring sex than a random hook up. Sadly, people my age tend to expect great sex over anything else. It scares me that I will like someone and they will go away cause the sex was not good. I know at some point that will happen, but like you said, if they are for me then they will stick around. We all have problems anyway.
  • dido8

    Posts: 7

    Jul 29, 2016 12:43 AM GMT
    Sydneyrugbyjock73 saidI concur with Destinyharbour that you need someone patient and into you to have a truely fun sexual experience that will help negate the negative ones you have been unlucky enough to encounter. Topping is about filling him up, sure but with pleasure so forgot porn movie expectations, you need to go into that experience wanting both you and the guy bottoming to experience pleasure. When you are bottoming, if you experience pain stop, wait then start again. If he can't handle that he is just being selfish and might be that you need to abort and try again another time with some one who will care to relax you properly. Again forget about the porn moves they are some peoples fantasy and not real so not something you need to try to emulate.


    This makes a lot of sense. Thank you so much.
    I think ill disconnect from porn. And start using my imagination, and putting myself in the fantasy.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jul 29, 2016 4:29 PM GMT
    "Thank you so much for your reply. You mention really good points. I really appreciate that you took the time to reply.
    Yes, I have thought about having a boyfriend would help more for exploring sex than a random hook up. Sadly, people my age tend to expect great sex over anything else. It scares me that I will like someone and they will go away cause the sex was not good. I know at some point that will happen, but like you said, if they are for me then they will stick around. We all have problems anyway."

    I'm probably going to get attacked for saying this, as though I'm advancing self-interest in some way, but maybe you should find a nice older guy to learn with. My first guy to top me was and he was skilled and patient and nice. We're friends to this day. In fact my partner and I are friends with him and his partner. Not everyone, and especially not older guys, are all just in it for the quick Grindr experience.
  • dido8

    Posts: 7

    Jul 29, 2016 4:41 PM GMT
    Destinharbor said"Thank you so much for your reply. You mention really good points. I really appreciate that you took the time to reply.
    Yes, I have thought about having a boyfriend would help more for exploring sex than a random hook up. Sadly, people my age tend to expect great sex over anything else. It scares me that I will like someone and they will go away cause the sex was not good. I know at some point that will happen, but like you said, if they are for me then they will stick around. We all have problems anyway."

    I'm probably going to get attacked for saying this, as though I'm advancing self-interest in some way, but maybe you should find a nice older guy to learn with. My first guy to top me was and he was skilled and patient and nice. We're friends to this day. In fact my partner and I are friends with him and his partner. Not everyone, and especially not older guys, are all just in it for the quick Grindr experience.


    Yeah not opposed to that at all. Thought I had found someone, but it did not work out. I'll keep trying though