I wish to suicide.

  • umutlarim

    Posts: 15

    Aug 03, 2016 12:28 PM GMT
    Hi all men, I am 19 from Turkey.
    I am a gay and ıt's a secret.Only two person know it, they are my friend.My family, other friends and all people think ı am heterosexsual.But it's not.I did understand I am gay when I am 16. First time, I say myself, no no I am not gay I am heterosexsual it's only fantasy. When I am 17 , I said myself maybe I am bisexuel, yeah yeah I can be bisexuel.If I can love a girl , ı dont have problem = ı think.. And I understand I am gay when I am 18. I accept it.I keep secret for now. But I was excluded in school. Because I am different than others. I did not fight footbal swearing or etc.( If you are a man you should their in Turkey.(patriarchal)) My friends(!) said me , ball- sissy- like woman or etc. I wanted change always.I prayed God. But I never change. Then I understand I born this way. It's no problem. And now my real problem,
    I forgive old times, old friend and all thing. But now I dont like myself.I dont like my face and body. I'm 185cm and 65 kg. I am slim. In Turkey my height is good sometimes tall. But when ı see tall than me man I feel bad. I dont know why. But ı am asking why ı am short?? I feel, ıf I will bodybuilding , ı will feel really good.
    I am study law at university. I want help like me excluded person.
    My finally problem sex role, I accept all thing. Okay maybe ı am not handsome, not tall etc. I am acceting all. But I dont accept it :
    I have 10-12cm penis.( changing when standing, lying) I went doctor, he says penis size is personality all people have different size.And you have normally size penis, he said. But I know it is small. I really dont want, night sex. I want sharing life with a man. But I think not enough for sex. I am versalite. Please dont say be bottom. Because I am not it. I am virgin. I enjoy masturbate never try anal masturbate. 2-3 time I put the finger but ı really dont like it. But will maybe ı will like it. I dont know..

    And now I feel like shit. I wanna cry but I cant do it. I wanna die but I am thinking my mom. If ı will do it, she die too.
    in Turkey culture is so different. I hate patriarchal. Here homofophic-heterosexsuel man say fagot should die!! But on the net they looking for fucking bottom. I have an upset stomach. My university will finish at 2020. And when it finish, I immediately change country. I wanna go Spain.(for penis size 13.5 (!) )

    I write, you may be funny. But ı really your helping. Please write your thinks.
    Thanks for everything, take care yourself.Life is short, birds are flying...
  • roadbikeRob

    Posts: 14354

    Aug 03, 2016 12:47 PM GMT
    umutlarim saidHi all men, I am 19 from Turkey.
    I am a gay and ıt's a secret.Only two person know it, they are my friend.My family, other friends and all people think ı am heterosexsual.But it's not.I did understand I am gay when I am 16. First time, I say myself, no no I am not gay I am heterosexsual it's only fantasy. When I am 17 , I said myself maybe I am bisexuel, yeah yeah I can be bisexuel.If I can love a girl , ı dont have problem = ı think.. And I understand I am gay when I am 18. I accept it.I keep secret for now. But I was excluded in school. Because I am different than others. I did not fight footbal swearing or etc.( If you are a man you should their in Turkey.(patriarchal)) My friends(!) said me , ball- sissy- like woman or etc. I wanted change always.I prayed God. But I never change. Then I understand I born this way. It's no problem. And now my real problem,
    I forgive old times, old friend and all thing. But now I dont like myself.I dont like my face and body. I'm 185cm and 65 kg. I am slim. In Turkey my height is good sometimes tall. But when ı see tall than me man I feel bad. I dont know why. But ı am asking why ı am short?? I feel, ıf I will bodybuilding , ı will feel really good.
    I am study law at university. I want help like me excluded person.
    My finally problem sex role, I accept all thing. Okay maybe ı am not handsome, not tall etc. I am acceting all. But I dont accept it :
    I have 10-12cm penis.( changing when standing, lying) I went doctor, he says penis size is personality all people have different size.And you have normally size penis, he said. But I know it is small. I really dont want, night sex. I want sharing life with a man. But I think not enough for sex. I am versalite. Please dont say be bottom. Because I am not it. I am virgin. I enjoy masturbate never try anal masturbate. 2-3 time I put the finger but ı really dont like it. But will maybe ı will like it. I dont know..

    And now I feel like shit. I wanna cry but I cant do it. I wanna die but I am thinking my mom. If ı will do it, she die too.
    in Turkey culture is so different. I hate patriarchal. Here homofophic-heterosexsuel man say fagot should die!! But on the net they looking for fucking bottom. I have an upset stomach. My university will finish at 2020. And when it finish, I immediately change country. I wanna go Spain.(for penis size 13.5 (!) )

    I write, you may be funny. But ı really your helping. Please write your thinks.
    Thanks for everything, take care yourself.Life is short, birds are flying...
    You're an adult. Too hell with finishing university. Try to get the financial resources together and leave Turkey as soon as possible. Once you get established in either Spain or in any other freer country, you can finish your higher education there. But do not end your life because your home country is backward and ignorant, suicide is never the right answer. Abandoning Turkey is the right answer.
  • Eleven

    Posts: 159

    Aug 03, 2016 1:14 PM GMT
    Your story was touching, I remember I was young and I would stay up thinking something what was wrong with me and wishing I would wake up the next day and not be gay.

    When you live in a society and everyone says bad things about you all the time from a young age its really really important that you love yourself, you might be angry at yourself that you were born a certain way but you need to keep finding things about you that make you proud and happy, this is all you need to do and its what will get you through the next years while you study.

    You need to find other men who accept you for who you are and become friends so that you can be yourself around each other and build each other up, thats what a gay community does, in countries where being gay is allowed they have already plateaued and are about to.collapse on themselves lol.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Aug 03, 2016 3:17 PM GMT
    I understand your unhappiness and pain. Out guys even in this country (USA) grew up during a time when it was dangerous or limiting to be out and gay and for some it still is. So all had many of the same problems as you. And then things got better. Forget all that stuff and just concentrate on school and gym and diet. Build up your resume so you can go to Spain when you graduate and build up your body so you feel proud of the way you look. If necessary, just forget about sex until then. So much bad stuff happening in Turkey right now, just ignore it all and focus on your future. In four years you start your life over and can live and love as you choose without hiding from anyone. And as to your penis, just forget about that, too. These things have a way of working out. Really, they do. Good luck, guy.
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    Aug 03, 2016 3:52 PM GMT
    nike_justdoit_00.jpg
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    Aug 03, 2016 4:04 PM GMT
    Killing yourself is not the solution , think about how many people would be hurt if you were committing suicide !!
    Your family loves you , do not do that to them , they will be in pain for the rest of their life ...
    You aren't far from other countries more open to gay life style , France , Great Britain , Spain , Netherlands , Germany , and all those countries offers a great university education for no money ..
    You best move would be to study abroad in one of those countries ..
    Best of luck to you mate !!
    Cheers ,
  • BambiBoy98

    Posts: 52

    Aug 03, 2016 4:12 PM GMT
    Having personally experienced someone I cared for commit suicide . And trust me the pain left behind from that is something that's hard to get past. When that happened to me I initially blamed myself for not noticing it, which basically made me feel even worse about the whole situation. So I would take the advice of some of the previous poster and consider studying abroad.

    I also hope you take some of the advice here. Stay strong!
  • umutlarim

    Posts: 15

    Aug 03, 2016 7:56 PM GMT
    Thanks for all without CODY4U,
    If you think it's easy you can do it.
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    Aug 03, 2016 8:08 PM GMT
    consider that your body has done nothing to harm you and now you seek to destroy it
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 03, 2016 8:18 PM GMT
    I didn't like my body when I was your age. Very few guys are satisfied when we're young.

    Give yourself time. You will be happy and you will be proud of yourself for overcoming your problems.

    But my advice is DO NOT COME OUT.
    DO NOT REVEAL YOUR SEXUALITY in your culture. As you know it would probably be very dangerous.

    Someday soon you can live in a free and open society.
    Many of your gay brothers will try to help you and we are praying for you.
  • ChicagoSteve

    Posts: 1277

    Aug 04, 2016 2:23 AM GMT
    You are only 19. Do not, under any circumstances follow through on your thoughts. You have your entire life in front of you! the situation you feel right now is only temporary. Things will get better. Keep in contact with other gay people and organizations near you and try to expand those contacts. The world is so different now then it was when I was 19. Back then there was no internet, the feeling was much more isolated. The world is very different in 2016, so much more accepting. Look to the future and be proud of who you are.
  • AnonymKOIA

    Posts: 90

    Aug 12, 2016 10:39 AM GMT
    You just need to know that the world is too big to see yourself in one place your whole life. THIS WILL PASS, and when you look back you'll think maybe it was a silly idea when new challenges comes into your life. I'll say give it until you reach the age of 30 or late 20s. I'm glad myself that I started exploring in my middle/to late 20s with mature mind, the pain of break-ups and potential STDs/STIs is never fun. Enjoy your innocence while you still have it. Yeah, if your finances allows you then try to go study abroad.

    You are the only person who understand and can take care of yourself from the depth of your being,its not easy to see that when you are just coming out of your teens.Its a big achievement that you came to accept who you are,so you need to embrace yourself.

    Committing suicide will just be the end of you,that's it,the end,and life will just go on. Your loved ones will only be the ones who are left living in pain. Just be while you are finding a way to move out of your region. Life in itself is just a strange thing and when you are older you'll see that everyone's got their problems and just choose not to show or talk about them. You are special and you gonna be a great man my guy.
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    Aug 14, 2016 10:01 PM GMT
    Interruption for a healing because this soul is serious. I cannot find that he is not serious.



    umutlarim

    Hi all men, I am 19 from Turkey.
    I am a gay and ıt's a secret.
    I did understand I am gay when I am 16.
    First time, I say myself, no no I am not gay I am heterosexsual it's only fantasy.
    When I am 17 , I said myself maybe I am bisexuel, yeah yeah I can be bisexuel.
    If I can love a girl , ı dont have problem = ı think.. And I understand I am gay when I am 18.
    I accept it.
    I was excluded in school. Because I am different than others. I did not fight footbal swearing or etc.
    I born this way. It's no problem.

    And now my real problem,
    I forgive old times, old friend and all thing. But now I dont like myself.I dont like my face and body.
    I am slim. In Turkey my height is good sometimes tall. But when ı see tall than me man I feel bad.
    I dont know why. But ı am asking why ı am short?? I feel, ıf I will bodybuilding , ı will feel really good.
    I am study law at university. I want help like me excluded person.

    My finally problem sex role, I accept all thing. Okay maybe ı am not handsome, not tall etc. I am acceting all. But I dont accept it :
    I have 10-12cm penis.( changing when standing, lying) I went doctor, he says penis size is personality all people have different size.And you have normally size penis, he said. But I know it is small. I really dont want, night sex. I want sharing life with a man. But I think not enough for sex. I am versalite. Please dont say be bottom. Because I am not it. I am virgin. I enjoy masturbate never try anal masturbate. 2-3 time I put the finger but ı really dont like it. But will maybe ı will like it. I dont know..

    And now I feel like shit. I wanna cry but I cant do it. I wanna die but I am thinking my mom. If ı will do it, she die too.
    in Turkey culture is so different. I hate patriarchal. Here homofophic-heterosexsuel man say fagot should die!! But on the net they looking for fucking bottom. I have an upset stomach. My university will finish at 2020. And when it finish, I immediately change country. I wanna go Spain.(for penis size 13.5 (!) )

    Stephenoabc
    You want to kill yourself because
    You don't like the seemingly hypocritical homophobia in your country.
    You put your finger through your anus but did not know how to sphincter masturbate or touch your prostate; and you didn't like what you did incorrectly.
    You're not tall enough.
    The last straw: Your penis length is less than 5 inches.
    You want to run away to Spain where you might find a man whose penis length is 5 and a quarter inches long--if you're still in centimeters.

    My response:
    Convert your homosexuality into a holistic homosexuality, not just about length of penis.
    Study Astrology to do that. It's a good framework. You can see people from at least 12 vantage points as Western Astrology has 12 houses (I'm not talking about the 12 zodiac signs but the 12 houses in a Western chart).
    What is your religion. Tell us about your spirituality.
    You can send me a Real Jock message instead of posting in the forum, what your
    Time and Date of Birth is
    Place of Birth.
    I think that's all I need.

    You need to say a half Rosary or a full Rosary (since you're so young, but maybe not young enough to get the benefit of the Rosary).
    Yes, people of all ages say the Rosary, but I stopped needing it as disciplinary action.

    My general response: every man was not born to be a patriarch. Amen.
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    Aug 14, 2016 11:54 PM GMT
    StephenOABC saidInterruption
    You put your finger through your anus


    Lmao
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Aug 20, 2016 5:27 PM GMT
    CODY4U saidinsensitive photo removed


    A plea for help over suicide is never an opportunity to insert a joke. Shame on you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2016 10:04 AM GMT
    Since I support the right to die with dignity, I find it hard to tell people who want to die not to, or they have no such right. Euthanasia, should also include any adult inflicted with chronic depression.
  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Sep 28, 2016 5:09 AM GMT
    I've thought of killing myself several times, but not because of "being gay". I thought of ending it because life is at times a black hole, a meaningless void that we insist on imbuing with some higher purpose. It's the endless striving that made me suicidal. I think if you truly accept the meaninglessness and random chaos of life, and that everything, including the social hierarchy/patriarchy, is just shit that men that came before made up, you might be a lot more "happy" and "carefree". You might just do whatever you want and give zero fucks what those idiots think or say.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Oct 02, 2016 8:33 PM GMT
    Killing yourself is a selfish act...Save your money now...leave the country...Return to school..Chin up bro.