Who pays for what?

  • jayatl56

    Posts: 463

    Aug 08, 2016 10:35 AM GMT
    When living together how do you decide who pays for what? Especially when you both earn basically the same income but one owns the house. It feels weird for me to ask for money, though I do, so I'm wonder if I'm alone in this and just need to split things 50/50, and get over it.
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    Aug 08, 2016 1:01 PM GMT
    Depending where you live, the house will be half his by Common Law anyway.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Aug 08, 2016 2:39 PM GMT
    S60turbo saidDepending where you live, the house will be half his by Common Law anyway.

    I haven't heard of this for quite some time. Is this still a thing? I think there's still a distinction for assets in possession before cohabitation.

    Who pays for what? If you're both pretty much equal in capability, I'd say divide the running costs, mortgage, taxes, insurance, utilities (and sometimes a repair escrow for the unexpected) in half and have an account that debits all that out with the monthly adjustment to deposits based on fluctuating utilities. He probably has equity in the house that isn't being compensated but then he gets the tax mortgage deduction. I've also seen where one pays the mortgage and the other everything else. Money is often the downfall of a relationship so make sure both feel the deal is fair or when something else strains the partnership, the money issue comes back to bite you.
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    Aug 08, 2016 3:00 PM GMT
    Well, in community property state and or common law marriage state, perhaps the house could be considered as community property. But I'm no lawyer.
    May I suggest you split the living cost, except when it comes to housing expenses and utility, the owner pays for it. It helps separating the house from being considered as community property.
    But generally, if the house is acquired before the relationship, then it's not community property. However, if later you both pay for the mortgage of the house during the relationship, even if one purchase the house before the relationship, that can be tricky. Contact a lawyer if you're not sure.
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    Aug 08, 2016 3:35 PM GMT
    Finances are the number one reason people enter couple's therapy. Do yourself a favor and tell him it's important for the longevity of your relationship that you split things 50/50. An imbalance in financial matters will very quickly turn the entire relationship a kilter.
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    Aug 08, 2016 4:08 PM GMT
    50/50 is best so there is no long-term resentment.
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    Aug 08, 2016 7:32 PM GMT
    a legal home skillit publisher; NOLO, has literature:

    "Legal Guide for Lesbian & Gay Couples"
    [url]http://www.nolo.com/products/a-legal-guide-for-lesbian-and-gay-couples-lg.html?utm_source=nolo-content&utm_medium=nolo&utm_campaign=nolo-related-products&utm_content=pid|355203||pa|unmarried%20couples||ref_src|https%3a%2f%2fwww.google.com||ref_url|www.nolo.com%2flegal-encyclopedia%2fliving-together||sku|lg17[/url]

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    Aug 09, 2016 2:05 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]Ronar2 said[/cite ]But generally, if the house is acquired before the relationship, then it's not community property. However, if later you both pay for the mortgage of the house during the relationship, even if one purchase the house before the relationship, that can be tricky. Contact a lawyer if you're not sure.[/quote]

    Correct. The house is not part of the community property if acquired before the relationship began. But if the other partner contributes to the mortgage payments he may acquire a partial interest.

    Otherwise a general 50/50 split of expenses seems fairest, but without obsessing too much about precise splits of everything. The more it resembles a business partnership the less romantic it will be.
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    Aug 09, 2016 2:09 AM GMT
    jayatl56 saidWhen living together how do you decide who pays for what? Especially when you both earn basically the same income but one owns the house. It feels weird for me to ask for money, though I do, so I'm wondering if I'm alone in this and just need to split things 50/50, and get over it.


    You own the house--no mortgage?
    If yes, that's your asset.
    Split the property tax and everything else associated with it (new roof, repairs, renovations, if any, etc.)

    However, there are expenses on YOUR asset, not his.
    So, the split would be 60/40 or 55/45, not a 50/50 split that does not reflect majority to the owner.
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    Aug 09, 2016 2:11 AM GMT
    However, if you were legally married (the original post does not say this), then 50/50.
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    Aug 09, 2016 5:19 AM GMT
    Have you discussed this with him? If you're in a loving relationship, it seems the best place to start is asking him what his ideas are about splitting finances. Sometimes, people move in together with no discussion of their perspectives on what living together means, including money. The 50/50 idea sounds dependable with two people who don't have an emotional connection, but do you want a blended household, or just be two men who live together? A good place to start is with the person you either 1), asked to move in with you or 2), the person you asked to "come live with me and be my love." If the first, then it should be easy: split it down the middle. If the second, some give and take will feel more loving over time.
  • jayatl56

    Posts: 463

    Aug 09, 2016 10:45 AM GMT
    Hmmm. We've been together for 3 years. He moved in about a year ago because he's not finished with school and couldn't afford rent elsewhere. The condo where we're living currently is 100% mine - no mortgage and he pays almost nothing in rent but does cover some groceries and buys lunches/dinners whenever we go out. BUT I just bought another place and will have a mortgage and A LOT of remodeling costs are being sunk into it. Again, all mine. I haven't asked for anything because I think it just complicates things but I have asked for a 50/50 split of all expenses (mortgage, taxes, insurance and HOA and utilities) once we're moved in. I think that's fair.
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    Aug 09, 2016 11:23 AM GMT
    mcbrion saidHave you discussed this with him? If you're in a loving relationship, it seems the best place to start is asking him what his ideas are about splitting finances. Sometimes, people move in together with no discussion of their perspectives on what living together means, including money. The 50/50 idea sounds dependable with two people who don't have an emotional connection, but do you want a blended household, or just be two men who live together? A good place to start is with the person you either 1), asked to move in with you or 2), the person you asked to "come live with me and be my love." If the first, then it should be easy: split it down the middle. If the second, some give and take will feel more loving over time.


    Come live with me and be my love,
    And we will all the pleasures prove
    That valleys, groves, hills, and fields,
    Woods or steepy mountain yields.

    And we will sit upon the rocks,
    Seeing the shepherds feed their flocks,
    By shallow rivers to whose falls
    Melodious birds sing madrigals.
    (etc.)
    note that there is no mention of a 50/50 split of expenses in Marlowe's poem.
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    Aug 09, 2016 2:53 PM GMT
    what property you have prior to a common law situation is not included in the split. do not encumber your pre marital property with your partner's investment. you pay your own mortgage, taxes and maintenance. If you need extra money at the end of the month to cover these type of expenses get a room mate. all this is bro science so schedule 2 hours with a lawyer specializing in family law. Consult your local state Attorney Regulation Counsel, yes your state government likely has this, pick a lawyer who has been in business for some time w/o client complaints. Its like $180/hr and money well spent. Be done with the emotion; pay in cash.

    its not a real romantic situation unless you two can sit down and discuss things. What was your partner paying in the past for rent and living expenses? can he contribute half that now some how? Have him pay for utilities, entertainment cloths, gas...

    live well
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    Aug 09, 2016 3:24 PM GMT
    jayatl56 saidHmmm. We've been together for 3 years. He moved in about a year ago because he's not finished with school and couldn't afford rent elsewhere. The condo where we're living currently is 100% mine - no mortgage and he pays almost nothing in rent but does cover some groceries and buys lunches/dinners whenever we go out. BUT I just bought another place and will have a mortgage and A LOT of remodeling costs are being sunk into it. Again, all mine. I haven't asked for anything because I think it just complicates things but I have asked for a 50/50 split of all expenses (mortgage, taxes, insurance and HOA and utilities) once we're moved in. I think that's fair.


    No intent to marry.
    He's not even in your will.
    Something happens to you, his domestic security is POOF.

    The new place is irrelevant.
    Before buying the new place one could have got a feel for how much he would be willing to pay in rent, acquiring no equity. After you receive the rent, you could use it to build more assets. Without that, you're paying him for companionship. We have to gift/grant people or help out people who are in college or grad school.
    The new place is irrelevant to me because I'm not hearing domestic partnership or marriage.

    It is further irrelevant because it seems the cart is before the horse and there is some ambiguity. The new place is all yours so he should not be paying half of the mortgage without acquiring ownership. This financial move of yours helps your balance sheet, not his. If the honeymoon is over and the philanthropy is over he has a right to leave because you love/care for him less financially; you are not enriching him.

    It's an accomplished fact (who needs the French). You bought the place without him and now you want to finance it with him without him earning equity. And you know his options are limited but you're attempting to imprison him in this. If he were a freedman, he should pick up his dignity and leave you for not being able to build assets together. It's a naked financial power play.

    Perspective of someone with a keen interest in finance and investments,
    Stephen
  • Dynamo_spark

    Posts: 224

    Aug 10, 2016 4:52 AM GMT
    It must be a mutual decision between you and your partner. But get it all on paper. I recently heard of a women who had been living with her partner for years. Then things went sour. He got a lawyer and as their was no agreement, she got nothing. The house was in his name but she had furnished and bought most of the things in the house.
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    Aug 10, 2016 6:32 AM GMT
    jayatl56 saidHmmm. We've been together for 3 years. He moved in about a year ago because he's not finished with school and couldn't afford rent elsewhere. The condo where we're living currently is 100% mine - no mortgage and he pays almost nothing in rent but does cover some groceries and buys lunches/dinners whenever we go out. BUT I just bought another place and will have a mortgage and A LOT of remodeling costs are being sunk into it. Again, all mine. I haven't asked for anything because I think it just complicates things but I have asked for a 50/50 split of all expenses (mortgage, taxes, insurance and HOA and utilities) once we're moved in. I think that's fair.


    Your 59, and he's still in school. Can we assume there is a vast difference in earnings , as well as age? What you are proposing really isn't "fair."

    How much he might contribute to your joint expenses after he is out of school, employed, and earning, is something you ought to discuss at that time. Since it its your property, you ought to bear all the expenses of it. If you want him to contribute something in the way of rent, it should be based on what he can afford., which will undoubtedly increase as his earnings increase. Sounds like you don't want to be a complete sugar daddy, so talk to him about contributing toward normal, non-property, expenses - like food, water, garbage, utilities, and pet expenses.

    When you become joint owners of the property (which may never happen), is when he should be making full contribution to property carrying costs. In the meantime, as you said, it is your property, not the two of yours jointly. In the meantime, if you consider yourself in a marriage, or potential marriage, think of the household as a mini Marxist state: From each according to his means; to each according to his needs.
  • sexy_dad_67

    Posts: 110

    Aug 10, 2016 6:37 AM GMT
    His profile says he will date guys up to age 40 (20 years younger than him), but if he's still in school and can't afford rent, how are your incomes "basically the same"?
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    Aug 10, 2016 6:41 AM GMT
    Just noticed your profile - you are in a "monogamous" relationship, but available for hookups. Interesting partnership you have.
  • jayatl56

    Posts: 463

    Aug 10, 2016 10:42 AM GMT
    So I need to change the profile settings. That's my mistake for not catching it. Yes, he's younger than me but he is brilliant when it comes to coding and programming and he works as a part time consultant and earns close to 6 figures while completing his last year in school - which he's put off for too long and finally decided to finish. He doesn't need the diploma to prove anything but wants to get it because he's just that close to getting it.
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    Aug 10, 2016 3:56 PM GMT
    your 59; wtf just blow it off.
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    Aug 10, 2016 6:15 PM GMT
    jayatl56 saidSo I need to change the profile settings. That's my mistake for not catching it. Yes, he's younger than me but he is brilliant when it comes to coding and programming and he works as a part time consultant and earns close to 6 figures while completing his last year in school - which he's put off for too long and finally decided to finish. He doesn't need the diploma to prove anything but wants to get it because he's just that close to getting it.


    Whatever. So he makes almost $100K a year? Have a talk with him.

    But (just does not make sense, like some of the rest of your post) - if he makes almost $100K a year, how can it be that he cannot afford rent ? ? ? Rent for what? A Beverly Hills mansion?
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    Aug 10, 2016 10:28 PM GMT
    TexDef07 said
    mcbrion saidHave you discussed this with him? If you're in a loving relationship, it seems the best place to start is asking him what his ideas are about splitting finances. Sometimes, people move in together with no discussion of their perspectives on what living together means, including money. The 50/50 idea sounds dependable with two people who don't have an emotional connection, but do you want a blended household, or just be two men who live together? A good place to start is with the person you either 1), asked to move in with you or 2), the person you asked to "come live with me and be my love." If the first, then it should be easy: split it down the middle. If the second, some give and take will feel more loving over time.


    Come live with me and be my love,
    And we will all the pleasures prove
    That valleys, groves, hills, and fields,
    Woods or steepy mountain yields.

    And we will sit upon the rocks,
    Seeing the shepherds feed their flocks,
    By shallow rivers to whose falls
    Melodious birds sing madrigals.
    (etc.)
    note that there is no mention of a 50/50 split of expenses in Marlowe's poem.

    No, he didn't. Guess he was thinking of Genuine Love, not mundane matters. Kahlil Gibran said, "Love is sufficient unto Love." He didn't mention a 50/50 split either. What could they have been thinking??
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    Aug 11, 2016 12:30 AM GMT
    Income inequality, and the balance of other contributions that each partner brings to a relationship, are a classic source of tension among gay men.

    With my LTRs, and 2 partners (one deceased, the other happily with me now), here's what I did:

    I always sought guys whose income roughly matched my own. The exact details were immaterial. I don't track these things like an accountant, that would be crass. Although once I had an LTR with a millionaire, a big mistake.

    I contributed as much to our joint expenses as the rich guy did, but had to spend like crazy to keep up with his habits. And it nearly bankrupted me. I couldn't live like that.

    With both my late and current partners our incomes were/are about half of each other. That's a better arrangement. I never asked for nor wanted tally sheets. When a guy is your partner or husband you dispense with that sort of pettiness. Money is not the important thing, HE is.

    We consider our separate incomes our shared property. I would only do that with a guy I trusted. I presume he feels the same way about me. If we didn't trust each other that far then I guess we paired up with the wrong guy.

    I try to reduce these things to very simple terms. Perhaps revealing my simple mind, but I've found a formula that works for me.

    Now can a more affluent guy carry a guy who contributes less? For a while, sure. But with the idea that this guy's gonna eventually start contributing to the family. And when he doesn't... well, now you've got a problem.

    In my book good looks & charm can only carry you so far. And they do fade.
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    Aug 11, 2016 9:59 AM GMT
    jayatl56 saidSo I need to change the profile settings. That's my mistake for not catching it. Yes, he's younger than me but he is brilliant when it comes to coding and programming and he works as a part time consultant and earns close to 6 figures while completing his last year in school - which he's put off for too long and finally decided to finish. He doesn't need the diploma to prove anything but wants to get it because he's just that close to getting it.


    I have more than five years experience in Park Avenue Private Banking.
    He can earn close to six figures part time AND he needs to have a nice personal financial statement.