Getting yourself out of a funk

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    Aug 13, 2016 2:55 PM GMT
    So anyone who has read my posts knows I've had a rough year and a half. I'm trying really hard to get myself out of a funk but it's hard. I feel really sad, depressed, lonely, and empty. So I've been trying to meet new people and force myself to do things to be social but in reality I'd rather be at home in bed. It's only been since June that my relationship with my first boyfriend ended. I'm wondering if I'm being just too hard on myself and not giving myself enough time to heal. I'm going to a therapist, I'm writing in a journal, I'm reading a book about divorce. Here's my story in brief to give you an idea of what I've gone through:
    Married to a woman for 7 years. Known her for 20 years. I have 2 young kids
    Came out at 34. Divorce has been extremely ugly and nasty.
    Met my first and only boyfriend who was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive and an alcoholic. We were together for a year and a half.
    Now I'm a single dad. Single for the first time in my life.
    I'm really lost. I was controlled by her and by him and Im not really a whole person. Trying to figure out why I have no confidence in myself, I'm extremely insecure and have low self-esteem. Where do I begin? I want some friends but gay men just want sex and I'm not interested in that when I feel like this. Thanks for your suggestions and continued support in advance
  • nice_chap

    Posts: 280

    Aug 13, 2016 3:19 PM GMT
    You need to get yourself to a stage where you no longer feel bothered by the shitty experiences you've been through. Those relationships you've had - they are part of you, you're always going to feel the effects of them, but you can start to feel happy again and move on to better experiences. Your therapist should be helping you with this. As long as you are doing your part during your treatment, and not expecting the therapist to undo the damage that has been done to you - it's about helping you to overcome the negative emotions you're feeling.

    What I will say is that you haven't really said anything positive about yourself in your opening post. What hobbies do you have? what activities do you enjoy doing? Are there any events you're interested in going to, places you're interested in traveling, courses you'd like to take up? You are single now. You have the opportunity to focus on things that make you happy, or things that you could not achieve when you were focused on trying to make someone else happy. Maybe this could be a good place to start.
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    Aug 13, 2016 3:34 PM GMT
    Suggest you to go the gym and mediate on the liftings.
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    Aug 13, 2016 3:37 PM GMT
    I think half my problem is because I was controlled basically my whole life I'm waiting for someone to tell me what to do. I think that's part of the reason it took me so long to determine I was gay. I had an idea of taking a cooking class so I could make some female friends lol. I always got along better with women. I like music. I like the beach. Hiking, cars. Used to play golf many moons ago. My life has been dedicated to my kids and family for years now so I'm literally having to reinvent myself. The abuse has not given me the experience I needed to introduce me to gay life and I'm scarred by it. I'm trying. I appreciate your suggestions.
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    Aug 13, 2016 3:41 PM GMT
    zoltar said... Now I'm a single dad. Single for the first time in my life...
    there will always be things "first time in my life" so look at it as an opportunity to be the very best parent, friend, confidant to your children.
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    Aug 13, 2016 3:45 PM GMT
    At the gym, you will be surrounded by different men. This masculinity energy may help you.
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    Aug 13, 2016 5:18 PM GMT
    I suggest you start running. Runner's "high" is a real thing. Regular jogging definitely improves my mood. The effects of running last long after you stop. After about 4 - 6 weeks of jogging regularly (3x/week for about 30 min), you will definitely notice some aesthetic improvements to your body, which may help your self-esteem. It's also time for yourself during which you can tune out everyone else. Endorphin release, anxiety relief, lower body fat, extra endurance, harder erections...the benefits go on and on. Just make sure you eat enough and lift on the days you don't run so that you don't burn up muscle.
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    Aug 13, 2016 5:38 PM GMT
    CODY4U saidI suggest you start running. Runner's "high" is a real thing. Regular jogging definitely improves my mood. The effects of running last long after you stop. After about 4 - 6 weeks of jogging regularly (3x/week for about 30 min), you will definitely notice some aesthetic improvements to your body, which may help your self-esteem. It's also time for yourself during which you can tune out everyone else. Endorphin release, anxiety relief, lower body fat, extra endurance, harder erections...the benefits go on and on. Just make sure you eat enough and lift on the days you don't run so that you don't burn up muscle.


    So much This!

    Running is amazing. I love it, and it definitely can boost you out of your funk.
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    Aug 13, 2016 6:23 PM GMT
    zoltar saidI think half my problem is because I was controlled basically my whole life I'm waiting for someone to tell me what to do. I think that's part of the reason it took me so long to determine I was gay. I had an idea of taking a cooking class so I could make some female friends lol. I always got along better with women. ... so I'm literally having to reinvent myself. The abuse has not given me the experience I needed to introduce me to gay life and I'm scarred by it. I'm trying. I appreciate your suggestions.


    you said you knew your wife for 20 years, married for 7 years. Also your divorce was complex. you need to give your self some time and process all your feelings. The journal, books and the therapist are all good things. Find new friends and acquaintances but get your self esteem issues fixed before getting into another relationship.

    I will be difficult to find gay men friends