Where is My Relationship Going?


  • Aug 17, 2016 1:44 PM GMT
    After eight years of searching, I can say I've finally found a guy who appreciates, values, loves, and understands me for who I am. He's compassionate, sensitive, and non-judgmental (which is a stark contrast to most of the other men I've pursued). He's also extremely attractive, which doesn't hurt things icon_smile.gif We've been dating for three months.

    However, there are difficulties in our relationship. Although we only live a half hour apart by car, neither of us own transportation. So our relationship is long distance. We stay in touch by Skyping throughout the week and texting during the day. He lives at home with his parents -- which is cause for much of the uncertainty in our relationship. His parents are the same age as mine, but have completely different views on homosexuality. He's come out to them. But because of their attitude, beyond this single conversation, his orientation has never been discussed, nor has our relationship been raised. He has an extremely supportive group of friends, and is out to all of them, but he doesn't feel comfortable expressing himself fully around his family -- even though he yearns to.

    We share much in common. We've both grown up in extremely sheltered environments and went to middle and high school around fairly affluent groups of people. He's 27, I'm 26, and neither of us has ever been in a relationship. We also share the same idealistic and hopelessly romantic outlook on life. Also, neither of us has completed our bachelor's degrees (he has his associate's degree and I am currently completing mine before finishing undergrad) and we are both financially dependent on our parents and live at home.

    However, I have detailed ambitions and dreams for the future -- and intend to share such a vision with my romantic partner. Because of the way he's been raised, it seems that my boyfriend's parents have never encouraged him to reflect upon his own potential and discern what aspirations or goals he has the ability to achieve in his life. He works as an assistant manager of cashiers and kids who push carts at a local grocery store. I understand this is his current position, and the fact that he's been promoted actually demonstrates higher ambition than I often employ. But, it seems that he has no concept of what a career outside of the grocery store he works at would look like. I've encouraged him to consider attending a local artistically-focused college as he's indicated an interest in photography. But it troubles me that he's never specifically stated what his goals and objectives in life are.

    He's extremely involved with anime and comics. I don't share this interest but am fine with him being involved in it. To me, I wonder though if this has contributed to his lack of vision for pursuing a meaningful career?

    Social justice issues are highly important to me. My boyfriend shares my political views, but not to the radical extent that I do, when it comes to critiquing social systems that are inequitable, oppressive, and unjust. He simply can't comprehend it. I understand this and can relate, because I once lived in this bubble. But I wonder whether it will have an impact on us being able to relate to each other as partners long-term?

    He had never been to a Pride parade before the two of us went this year.

    Now, to be fair. I have a lot of my own shit to get together. I need to complete school and find a stable job. I have work to do in terms of becoming more independent by getting my license and moving out of my mother's home. And I have much to learn in terms of being consistently reliable and responsible in a professional sense.

    The distance also enhances all of these factors, and I've frequently caught myself looking at other guys in my own city, wondering whether I could be doing better.

    But we've only been dating for three months and have not even had sexual intercourse yet. Am I being too ungrateful, judgmental, or impatient in giving my boyfriend the time he may need to become more secure in terms of his family, career, and aspirations?

    Would greatly appreciate advice from anyone, as this is my first relationship and I don't intend to fuck it up or throw in the towel lightly.
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    Aug 17, 2016 1:53 PM GMT
    You guys need to do it!
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    Aug 17, 2016 2:54 PM GMT

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Way_We_Were...she is a stridently vocal Marxist Jew with strong anti-war opinions, and he is a carefree WASP with no particular political bent. While attending the same college, she is drawn to him because of his boyish good looks and his natural writing skill, which she finds captivating, although he doesn't work very hard at it. He is intrigued by her conviction and her determination to persuade others to take up social causes. Their attraction is evident, but neither of them act upon it, and lose touch after graduation.

    The two meet again towards the end of World War II while Katie is working at a radio station, and Hubbell, having served as a naval officer in the South Pacific, is trying to return to civilian life. They fall in love despite the differences in their background and temperament. Soon, however, Katie is incensed by the cynical jokes Hubbell's friends make at the death of President Franklin D. Roosevelt and is unable to understand his indifference towards their insensitivity and shallow dismissal of political engagement. At the same time, his serenity is disturbed by her lack of social graces and her polarizing postures. Hubbell breaks it off with Katie, but soon agrees to work things out, at least for a time...
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Aug 17, 2016 4:03 PM GMT
    woodsmen saidYou guys need to do it!

    Yeah, you really do. It would begin a new phase in your life as an adult. But it would also connect you two at a deeper level, a level that will tell you if you love this guy or not. The differences you describe can be OK as long as you love him for who he is, not who he isn't. Many good partnerships, marriages, are unequal in drive an motivation and that can actually be a good thing if the sum of the package is a guy you love and cherish. And while you can't do much about it right now, you and he need to get out of mommy and daddy's house. You simply cannot stop being a child while living as a child under your parents' roof. Not criticizing, I know you're financing college and that's about all you can handle, but sooner would be better than later. For him, too.
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    Aug 17, 2016 5:52 PM GMT
    how do you and him complete a house hold, you all fit together right?
    does he even want to be in a relationship.
    would you date him if he were ugly?
    can he say what he will be doing in 5 years?

    i would not worry about his family but both you guys need to let go of his family in a nice easy way.
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    Aug 18, 2016 1:14 AM GMT
    Can you get to each other via public transportation? Do you get to socialize together on weekends?
    Do you happen to go to church together? Are you part of the same Christian denomination?

    You've been dating for three months, so you probably do get together on weekends.

    Important: you have not come out to your parents. He has come out to his. You have to be a good selection for meeting his parents. Maybe his parents can speak with yours. (The second paragraph of your post is light on your situation with your parents.)

    You have a nice smile.

    How does he get to work? How did he get to college?

    How do you get to work and college?

  • Aug 18, 2016 2:19 AM GMT
    Think you have our roles reversed StephenOABC.

    I have come out to my parents. I've been out of the closet since my senior year of high school and both of my Mother and Father are extremely supportive -- my Mom is essentially Debbie Navotny from Queer as Folk.

    My boyfriend did come out to his parents, around the same age I did, but they are very conservative-minded on the issue of homosexuality and have not discussed or acknowledged the topic for since he came out to them.

    We only get to see each other a few times a month. I live in Baltimore, where there are ample public transportation outlets. But, he lives in a county that has next to no public transportation options. He relies mostly on the goodwill of his friends to drive him when we see each other. Or he'll catch Uber.

    I rely on public transportation in Baltimore to get to work, church, and school. My boyfriend's parents drive him to work and he gets rides from friends to get other places.

    Thanks for the compliment by the way! As to our parents meeting, given the views of his parents mentioned before -- as much as I'd like -- I can't see that happening anytime soon.
  • Relajado

    Posts: 409

    Aug 18, 2016 2:24 AM GMT
    So, Ross, where is this going??? icon_cool.gif
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    Aug 19, 2016 10:06 PM GMT
    To be honest, it's hard to see this going anywhere given both of your living and financial situations and it's really too early to be asking such long-term questions in any event. Instead you should be spending time together in person talking, doing fun things, having sex/making out, and learning about him over time.
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    Aug 21, 2016 2:15 PM GMT
    RebelHeart31690 saidThink you have our roles reversed StephenOABC.

    I have come out to my parents. I've been out of the closet since my senior year of high school and both of my Mother and Father are extremely supportive -- my Mom is essentially Debbie Navotny from Queer as Folk.

    My boyfriend did come out to his parents, around the same age I did, but they are very conservative-minded on the issue of homosexuality and have not discussed or acknowledged the topic for since he came out to them.

    We only get to see each other a few times a month. I live in Baltimore, where there are ample public transportation outlets. But, he lives in a county that has next to no public transportation options. He relies mostly on the goodwill of his friends to drive him when we see each other. Or he'll catch Uber.

    I rely on public transportation in Baltimore to get to work, church, and school. My boyfriend's parents drive him to work and he gets rides from friends to get other places.

    Thanks for the compliment by the way! As to our parents meeting, given the views of his parents mentioned before -- as much as I'd like -- I can't see that happening anytime soon.


    Rebel Heart,

    You are in a holding pattern. Your hands and your parents' hands are tied by non-cooperation from the other side of the relationship, him and his parents.

    Check your natal chart and Chinese Astrology (See Chinese Sexual Astrology by Shelly Wu). When you look at at your Natal Chart (you can use www.astro.com ), see where your North Node is. Also see the condition of your House 7. Know yourself. The North Node (use the True Node box in building your chart in the Extended Chart selection) is your reason for incarnating. Jan Spiller has written well about North Nodes. I have her Cosmic Love book. Get back to me on this, here in this forum or by Real Jock message.

    Before you and your parents sacrifice any more time on your domestic progress, you'll have to find out if you are truly helping him. See the two movies Valmont and Dangerous Liaisons. Valmont, one has described, is "less sadistic version of the French classic Les Liaisons Dangereruses." Why do I recommend these two movies? In love, one can be held in a holding pattern. Sometimes it is the one for whom the sacrifice is made learns a lesson. Be very cautious about depriving oneself of living life.

    Your parents need to join another set of parents in a functioning union of your love with the child of the other set of parents. Let them lift of your relationship with love, support, gifts to get your domestic security on its way.

    Amen.