Why does love hurt?

  • Joshthegaymer

    Posts: 88

    Aug 21, 2016 4:40 AM GMT
    Before anyone asks why I ask this, I feel that a little background information is needed:
    I have been trying to get over my last boyfriend that I had dated in 2012. He truly was a kind and respectable guy who treated me like a person when other guys treated me poorly. Hell, he made me the happiest guy alive when he asked me to be his boyfriend around the time of my 18th birthday. He helped me feel like I matter and he even helped me build up my self-confidence. Unfortunately, he lived in Texas and well I am stuck in Colorado. But we didn't care; we made it work for a long time. Then August 2012 hit. His mom got a job promotion that forced him to move from Texas to a remote part of Alaska with barely any access. This utterly crushed me as I was planning to get married to him. I honestly felt as if my heart (which has been broken so many times that I think that it has to be "super-glued" together) was ripped out of my body, slashed to pieces, and smashed until there was nothing left. In all honesty, I am still trying to get over it, but it is very difficult for me to get over a guy like him. To me, he was perfect and I felt that I was unworthy of his love. I have even cried myself to sleep some nights because the pain of missing him gets too much for me. I guess what I am trying to ask is why does love hurt so much? :'( I'm sorry for feeling depressed about this; I have been trying to deal with this on my own for four years now.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 21, 2016 7:07 AM GMT
    Yuck this post brings back a sour memory of my 'first love' icon_confused.gif

    that relationship was important to me because it taught me that no matter how much you love someone, if they don't love you back anymore it's over. there's nothing you can do about it but be upset. I was upset about him for 3 years. Then I was asexual for 1 year and on the 5th I found that my taste in men had changed and I was no longer attracted to the idea of who he was anymore. I guess as a side effect of my taste in men evolving, I just didn't care anymore.

    it's strange to me now to think about how upset I was over him because I wouldn't date someone who had an appearance like his at this stage in my life.

    It's my belief that you are more than one person in your life, you change because that's the only constant in life.

    anyway, I mostly just ass fuck dudes off grindr nowadays. entering into a relationship is basicly an agreement to never talk again, anyway. when it ends that's how it is, 9 times out of 10. You learn a lot from each relationship, but I've found it a lot easier and healthier for me to have 2-3 day relationships with random guys I meet from apps rather than consistently be with someone for years.

    Anyway you'll get over it
  • orome

    Posts: 30

    Aug 21, 2016 2:49 PM GMT
    Joshthegaymer saidBefore anyone asks why I ask this, I feel that a little background information is needed:
    I have been trying to get over my last boyfriend that I had dated in 2012. He truly was a kind and respectable guy who treated me like a person when other guys treated me poorly. Hell, he made me the happiest guy alive when he asked me to be his boyfriend around the time of my 18th birthday. He helped me feel like I matter and he even helped me build up my self-confidence. Unfortunately, he lived in Texas and well I am stuck in Colorado. But we didn't care; we made it work for a long time. Then August 2012 hit. His mom got a job promotion that forced him to move from Texas to a remote part of Alaska with barely any access. This utterly crushed me as I was planning to get married to him. I honestly felt as if my heart (which has been broken so many times that I think that it has to be "super-glued" together) was ripped out of my body, slashed to pieces, and smashed until there was nothing left. In all honesty, I am still trying to get over it, but it is very difficult for me to get over a guy like him. To me, he was perfect and I felt that I was unworthy of his love. I have even cried myself to sleep some nights because the pain of missing him gets too much for me. I guess what I am trying to ask is why does love hurt so much? :'( I'm sorry for feeling depressed about this; I have been trying to deal with this on my own for four years now.


    I have a question and then a thought.

    Question: the relationship was a long distance one with you both living in different states. Why did his move cause a breakup? It seems there is something missing and it is more than just plane tickets.

    Thought(s): After a few breakups, I think the best I could say here is that for this one, don't try to "get over it" but do try to carry it with you. I'll explain. We spend a lot of time trying to just get to a point we forget about a person that we're not dating anymore but I've learned that acceptance is best.

    We meet a person and for a while, they are the best thing we've experienced a person. They love us in a way that changes who we are. When that change is positive, carry it with you. You know what it feels like to love and be loved. Try to practice appreciating that experience and give that to others. That's what I did. I still talk to the last person I dated and we are excellent friends. I've had to let the romantic part fall off because we aren't there, but we are still all for each other.

    Maybe you can have that with your boy.

    It does get better. It does hurt less.
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    Aug 21, 2016 4:18 PM GMT
    It isn't the love part that hurts as much as the withdrawal. Time can definitely help but only if you find a way to give your soul other meaningful people and things to attach to. You also have to say to yourself, over and over again, "there are others out there for me. Let's work on making myself even more interesting and have fun finding those others".
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    Aug 21, 2016 5:58 PM GMT
    love is painful. I'm going through a breakup now. There are different emotions we must get through in order to move past someone. Sounds like you are still grieving losing him. Ending a love relationship is comparable to a death. You need to cry you need to let it out. You also need to get yourself to the letting go and acceptance phase. There were reasons it didn't work out and it's easy to romanticize about how great something was because it's human nature to ignore the bad ones. I'd recommend reading a book about how to get past your issue. Write in a journal. Focus on making yourself better instead of the past. It's hard. I'm right there with you. Ive cried so long and so hard and asked why why why did it have to be this way. It is that way so you have to move forward. Life goes on.
  • Joshthegaymer

    Posts: 88

    Aug 21, 2016 6:46 PM GMT
    orome said
    Joshthegaymer saidBefore anyone asks why I ask this, I feel that a little background information is needed:
    I have been trying to get over my last boyfriend that I had dated in 2012. He truly was a kind and respectable guy who treated me like a person when other guys treated me poorly. Hell, he made me the happiest guy alive when he asked me to be his boyfriend around the time of my 18th birthday. He helped me feel like I matter and he even helped me build up my self-confidence. Unfortunately, he lived in Texas and well I am stuck in Colorado. But we didn't care; we made it work for a long time. Then August 2012 hit. His mom got a job promotion that forced him to move from Texas to a remote part of Alaska with barely any access. This utterly crushed me as I was planning to get married to him. I honestly felt as if my heart (which has been broken so many times that I think that it has to be "super-glued" together) was ripped out of my body, slashed to pieces, and smashed until there was nothing left. In all honesty, I am still trying to get over it, but it is very difficult for me to get over a guy like him. To me, he was perfect and I felt that I was unworthy of his love. I have even cried myself to sleep some nights because the pain of missing him gets too much for me. I guess what I am trying to ask is why does love hurt so much? :'( I'm sorry for feeling depressed about this; I have been trying to deal with this on my own for four years now.


    I have a question and then a thought.

    Question: the relationship was a long distance one with you both living in different states. Why did his move cause a breakup? It seems there is something missing and it is more than just plane tickets.

    Thought(s): After a few breakups, I think the best I could say here is that for this one, don't try to "get over it" but do try to carry it with you. I'll explain. We spend a lot of time trying to just get to a point we forget about a person that we're not dating anymore but I've learned that acceptance is best.

    We meet a person and for a while, they are the best thing we've experienced a person. They love us in a way that changes who we are. When that change is positive, carry it with you. You know what it feels like to love and be loved. Try to practice appreciating that experience and give that to others. That's what I did. I still talk to the last person I dated and we are excellent friends. I've had to let the romantic part fall off because we aren't there, but we are still all for each other.

    Maybe you can have that with your boy.

    It does get better. It does hurt less.


    To answer your question, him moving caused the breakup because his mom got a job promotion and because of the fact that the place that he would be moving to barely has internet access. We were planning to meet as soon as he got done with high school, but then the breakup kind of happened first. :/ Those are the honest reasons as to why he and I were forced to break up.
  • Brandon_Dale

    Posts: 16

    Aug 23, 2016 6:01 AM GMT
    That's story makes me sad :'( love hurts so bad becuase in not just our brains reacting to stimuli resulting in pain, it's a chemical reaction in the brain cuase first by the feeling of being in love, romantic or not, then the harsh break up cuase the chemical to stop, litterly putting you through a withdrawal for you loved one, which takes a while to get over not like a burn or a cut. But if you could just end a relashionship with now bad feeling at all, then you could say you never really made that loving connection. icon_sad.gif I wish my knight in shining armor would come a save this lonely Prince from my heart aches, but he's out their ^.^ and I'll be waiting. You should keep looking too icon_smile.gif
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Aug 23, 2016 3:19 PM GMT
    Brandon_Dale saidThat's story makes me sad :'( love hurts so bad becuase in not just our brains reacting to stimuli resulting in pain, it's a chemical reaction in the brain cuase first by the feeling of being in love, romantic or not, then the harsh break up cuase the chemical to stop, litterly putting you through a withdrawal for you loved one, which takes a while to get over not like a burn or a cut. But if you could just end a relashionship with now bad feeling at all,
    Good answer. then you could say you never really made that loving connection. icon_sad.gif I wish my knight in shining armor would come a save this lonely Prince from my heart aches, but he's out their ^.^ and I'll be waiting. You should keep looking too icon_smile.gif

    Good answer. When you love and are loved your brain overflows with endorphins, the chemical stimulus that makes you both happy and high. Take it away and you literally feel pain in your heart, or lungs or some such place. Tightness in the chest. A high school romance, and certainly a long distance one, feels especially strong because it is the first time you experience the rush. But that doesn't invalidate it or relegate it to "puppy love," a term I find condescending. But it is familiar to most who were lucky enough to experience it, painful though it is when it ends.

    You've got to let it go mentally even if your heart still remembers. There are other guys out there that want and need and deserve your love, as you need and want theirs. Give them a chance. In my experience, you can get a small dose of the rush in meaningless sex but the slight feeling reminds you why the bigger prize is worth the effort. Let him go as a good memory and pay attention to the now. Yesterday no longer exists. Tomorrow is what you make of it. But do not start looking for this guy reincarnate. Give a new guy a chance to be loved and to love you. My guy and I are an unlikely pairing but in two days, we'll have nine years together. I still get butterflies when I anticipate seeing him and a mild heartache when we separate for any length of time.
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    Aug 23, 2016 5:31 PM GMT
    To be blunt, that was 4 years ago - it's time to get over it. It still hurts because you are allowing it to still hurt. Maybe seek professional help, if it still affects your life.

    Most relationships entered into at high school age do not last. So, even if you had moved in together then, it most likely would have ended by now.

    So be open to a new relationship ( but did you not post that you want to stay a virgin until you aget married? - that will definitely be a hindrance to finding a new relationship)