A possible deal-breaker. When to bring it up?

  • 88Derek

    Posts: 1

    Aug 22, 2016 9:39 PM GMT
    Hi guys,
    I wanted to hear from You in regards to my situation- what would you do and how you'd like to be treated when confronted with it.
    So, long story short, I'm a bottom who can't have anal sex.
    Few years back I went through some health problems and a couple of surgeries (benign colon tumor) which left me with some scarring and permanent changes to my physique- basically having anal can be achieved, and I enjoy it while it lasts, but the aftermath is a few days of pain and even some bleeding, therefore I decided against it in the future. I consulted a couple of doctors and they said that basically it is what it is, and there ain't much anyone can do.
    Getting to the point- I'm more of a bottom, perpetuating the stereotype of being attracted to typical top guys. And so my "condition" has been a deal-breaker in the past on couple of occasions, and I completely understand that. It is an important aspect of relationship and fairly enough the lack on this type of intimacy can put some guys off.
    My question now: when is the time to bring a thing like that up. Currently, all the guys that I've met live in the mindset where anal is the only thing that can be called sex between two men, the rest is foreplay and can't come close to "real" intimacy- so I'm getting a bit paranoid about the importance of it all, pushing me to wanting to blur it out on a first date. Should I? Or is it something to be discussed only when the time for sex comes along? When would You like to be told something like that?

    Also, I'm starting to think that eternal singleness is what awaits me, or best case scenario living in an open relationship (of which I'm a strong opponent) 'cause that's the only way I can keep a guy- by letting him get what I can't provide somewhere else.

    Thanks for any feedback guys, cheers.
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    Aug 22, 2016 9:42 PM GMT
    Learn how to give mind blowing blow jobs?
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    Aug 22, 2016 11:14 PM GMT
    HBert87 said... I consulted a couple of doctors and they said that basically it is what it is, and there ain't much anyone can do.

    at $100/hr i might expect that from physicians. some research on the OP's part might dredge up a functional situation.
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    Aug 23, 2016 1:22 AM GMT
    HBert87 said
    Also, I'm starting to think that eternal singleness is what awaits me, or best case scenario living in an open relationship (of which I'm a strong opponent) 'cause that's the only way I can keep a guy- by letting him get what I can't provide somewhere else.

    Well, I wouldn't give up hope yet. For one thing I've had BFs who were neither tops NOR bottoms. We did oral and handjobs only, and one who also liked frottage, if you know what that is. These guys are out there, although admittedly more rare. But they do exist.

    Second, why can't you become a top? I'm versatile myself. Top, bottom, BJ (my specialty), handjob (also done kinda special, I've got some good techniques), I love sex and can find something to please most guys and have fun myself. Yeah, I've had a few bottoms who were difficult, all they'd consider, and dismissed me when they saw my size they couldn't handle (back in the day).

    But can you seriously say you can't learn to be a top? A lot of pleasure in that. Humping is kinda easy for most guys, gay or straight, sorta how we were wired.

    And I absolutely love to give BJs, I worked very hard to perfect mine. Guys have gone screaming nuts under my ministrations, said I gave them the best sexual experience of their life, of any kind of sex. And obviously came back for more.

    No, you have options before you give up and throw in the towel. I suggest you explore them. And find the guys who aren't solely into bottoms, but open to other kinds of sexual experiences. If this happened to me I'd become a top only and exploit my BJ and handjob teachniques. Were I single again I doubt I'd go wanting, even at my ugly old age.

    And you're young, you're gonna thrive. In time you may heal and can bottom again, also. And maybe you're just doing it wrong, not using enough lube, choosing guys too big. I always went for the little tops. Not only did they not hurt me yet still pleased, but to paraphrase Benjamin Franklin regarding older women having sex, "they are so grateful" to have a bottom want them in this instance.
  • trvlmscl

    Posts: 136

    Aug 24, 2016 12:20 AM GMT
    I agree with pellaz, you should do some research and get more opinions (maybe from a gay physician) unless you're totally against more surgical procedures. One suggestion, and I hope this does not offend you or the trans community, would be to look into SRS. I'm not suggesting making a gender transition, and I don't know if it can be done without hormones, but might be a compromise to consider in your situation. This would not be a deal breaker for me, as a top.

    Your current situation wouldn't be either, if it was an open relationship and I was in love with everything but the butt
  • camfer

    Posts: 892

    Aug 24, 2016 3:39 AM GMT
    Perhaps the flaw in your reasoning here is that all gay men are either top, bottom, or verse. There are gay men who are not into anal sex at all. There are also g0ys, another subculture worth researching.

    Rather than conceive of yourself as a bottom incapable of bottoming, maybe you could consider yourself someone simply not interested in anal sex. At the appropriate time, present yourself as someone not into anal sex, and you may well find yourself a partner who is also of that mindset. If neither of you are interested in it, then at least that aspect coincides well, and you are free to focus on other areas where your interests also are compatible.

    As for when to bring up your lack of interest in anal sex, I'd say as soon as possible. Saves you both a ton of time. Potential or current dates don't need to know the medical reasons behind this.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3525

    Aug 27, 2016 4:10 AM GMT
    like all things that make you incapable of providing the average experience, it should be ON YOUR PROFILE, there should be no need to bring it up, it should be a deal breaker or not before you even meet.
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    Aug 27, 2016 7:52 AM GMT
    explore your limits buy buying some toys, what works for you and what remains un comfortable.
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    Aug 28, 2016 3:14 PM GMT
    Anal sex ( giving and receiving ) always have been a turn off for me , so i am a virgin when it comes to that ..
    I am always upfront right at the beginning about it , it never was a problem for me to find understanding partners ..
  • Camz03

    Posts: 91

    Sep 01, 2016 9:45 PM GMT
    I'm not a huge fan of sex. My low libido has been a deal breaker for plenty guys and I started worrying that my inability to satisfy guys would leave me lonely and single. Sounds pretty similar to your situation, but...

    I realise in hindisght I was drowning myself in self-doubt. Instead of worrying that the other guy wouldn't accept my libido, I started 'worrying' about if he was a good fit for me and who I am. This is when I started dating the right people. I think every guy's libido is different (which is transient over a lifetime anyway) and our sexual tastes are also different. For example, your "issue" wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me as someone with a low libido. What would matter is if I felt connected to you.

    My boyfriend was a sex-crazed fiend before he met me. Our connection really changed him: he doesn't want sex with anyone but me and he also accepts me as I am and doesnt pressure me for sex. He somehow just manages to want me instead of others, despite the fact we are in an open relationship (but never really sleep with anyone else). The point is you dont need to know how it will happen, you just need to know it's possible! (FYI, I am 24, he is 32).

    I think you will find that when you meet someone you get along with that grows to care for you it won't be an issue. If I was you I would want to mention the issue relatively soon to screen out possible guys that aren't willing to get any deeper, but then again, giving the guy some time to get to know you first could really help him to accept you as you are - that's something you're going to have to flesh out with each guy as a unique individual.

    tl;dr If you focus on dating people who like you for you, it won't likely be an issue. It's up to you to decide how soon you want the person to find out about it, as not everyone (sadly) is open minded to our normal physical and mental flaws.
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Sep 03, 2016 7:12 PM GMT
    Camz03 saidI'm not a huge fan of sex. My low libido has been a deal breaker for plenty guys and I started worrying that my inability to satisfy guys would leave me lonely and single. Sounds pretty similar to your situation, but...

    I realise in hindisght I was drowning myself in self-doubt. Instead of worrying that the other guy wouldn't accept my libido, I started 'worrying' about if he was a good fit for me and who I am. This is when I started dating the right people. I think every guy's libido is different (which is transient over a lifetime anyway) and our sexual tastes are also different. For example, your "issue" wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me as someone with a low libido. What would matter is if I felt connected to you.

    My boyfriend was a sex-crazed fiend before he met me. Our connection really changed him: he doesn't want sex with anyone but me and he also accepts me as I am and doesnt pressure me for sex. He somehow just manages to want me instead of others, despite the fact we are in an open relationship (but never really sleep with anyone else). The point is you dont need to know how it will happen, you just need to know it's possible! (FYI, I am 24, he is 32).

    I think you will find that when you meet someone you get along with that grows to care for you it won't be an issue. If I was you I would want to mention the issue relatively soon to screen out possible guys that aren't willing to get any deeper, but then again, giving the guy some time to get to know you first could really help him to accept you as you are - that's something you're going to have to flesh out with each guy as a unique individual.

    tl;dr If you focus on dating people who like you for you, it won't likely be an issue. It's up to you to decide how soon you want the person to find out about it, as not everyone (sadly) is open minded to our normal physical and mental flaws.

    well said.
  • TombRaider

    Posts: 94

    Sep 04, 2016 7:28 PM GMT
    Maybe try a few toys to relax yourself, plugs maybe
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    Sep 05, 2016 5:34 PM GMT
    Having it on your profile is a good idea. The right guy will accept you for you. I do love sex, but there are other ways of having intimacy. It doesn't always have to be anal intercourse.