Are we THAT different?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 12, 2009 3:36 AM GMT
    Relationships come in all shapes and sizes, just like the people in them. Besides the obvious, how do you think homosexual relationships are different than heterosexual ones? Do you think those differences (if any) are positive or negative? What types of behavior do you think are alright in a relationship and which should be avoided?
  • Delivis

    Posts: 2332

    Feb 12, 2009 4:14 AM GMT
    There are absolutely no neccessary differences between the two, i think. I think any average/statistical differences (like average length of a relationship or rate of permiscuity or attitudes towards poly sex or polyarmory and so on) have more to do with social norms, how accepted homosexuality is, and other sociological and psychological factors.
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    Feb 12, 2009 5:10 AM GMT
    As a long-time closeted gay man, who dated many girls, and was married for 14 years, I can tell you that, in a healthy gay relationship, there are significant differences between the two. But primarily, unless you're a drama queen, most guys are pretty straight forward in their dealing with each other. You know where your partner stands because there aren't the stupid mind games that women put men through. If you are a drama queen, get therapy and get over yourself. You'll never be in a healthy relationship if you keep up with that shit. I can tell you it's such a relief to be with a guy who just gets me and doesn't try to make something out of nothing, who is laid back and takes life one day at a time. No pressure. No games. No crap. Just straight forward. In my 30+ years of dating women or marriage, it was never that simple.
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    Feb 12, 2009 5:18 AM GMT
    I also don't think there needs to be many differences, but maybe we could consider some changes.

    I read an Anne McCaffrey novel where people engaged in various length, "body contracts." They could specify whether children would be part of it, and then who would pay for and bring up the children. Property didn't come into it, it was just about the relationship. That's got some attractive features.

    I don't really believe in, "'Til death do us part." I look at the people who were adults when I was a child, the happiest ones are divorced and have moved on to partners to share old age with. People do change over time, so either a relationship needs to evolve, or ending it shouldn't be too traumatic.

    I'm in a closed relationship, and that works for me, but ultimately I think negotiation between the parties to a relationship could result in the best outcomes.
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    Feb 12, 2009 5:20 AM GMT
    We are not that different as everyone else. We just look better and get laid more, hahaha!!!
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    Feb 12, 2009 6:16 AM GMT
    Yah...Heterosexuals have a gender involved that I can understand. icon_lol.gif
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    Feb 12, 2009 6:18 AM GMT
    lawguy920 saidRelationships come in all shapes and sizes, just like the people in them. Besides the obvious, how do you think homosexual relationships are different than heterosexual ones? Do you think those differences (if any) are positive or negative? What types of behavior do you think are alright in a relationship and which should be avoided?


    What amazes me is how many right vs. wrong threads are posted on a counter-culture site like RJ. Granted, this site is for gay fitness buffs or wannabes, who are probably less radical than the average gay guy, but come on. Why are we trying so hard to become the gay version of the Church Lady? 'Alright' is presented as black and white, but it's really tainted with many shades of gray. You need to take into consideration the individuals in the relationship, their upbringing, their cultures of origin, their financial and social stati (or statuses if you prefer), etc. When you boil it all down, right vs. wrong is usually a situational paradox. I won't go all the way and say that situational ethics is king, but there is much to be said for acknowledging beingness (ontology) of a situation vs the rightness of a situation. Sometimes, things just are what they are, and they don't need to be labeled or approved or sanctioned. To the degree that the parties are not infringing upon the rights or domains of others, the question of validity shouldn't even matter.

    OK, so it's PMS week for me. Sue me. icon_twisted.gif
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Feb 12, 2009 6:20 AM GMT
    scottishwarrior saidAs a long-time closeted gay man, who dated many girls, and was married for 14 years, I can tell you that, in a healthy gay relationship, there are significant differences between the two. But primarily, unless you're a drama queen, most guys are pretty straight forward in their dealing with each other. You know where your partner stands because there aren't the stupid mind games that women put men through. If you are a drama queen, get therapy and get over yourself. You'll never be in a healthy relationship if you keep up with that shit. I can tell you it's such a relief to be with a guy who just gets me and doesn't try to make something out of nothing, who is laid back and takes life one day at a time. No pressure. No games. No crap. Just straight forward. In my 30+ years of dating women or marriage, it was never that simple.


    I agree with Scott on this one!! There's a HUGE difference between the two types of relationships and I'm not talking about the physical!!
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    Feb 12, 2009 12:13 PM GMT
    I don't feel there's really much diffrnt other than children.

    I know there are bi men with children. and the od gay couple who have children via surrogates. But thats not the norm. . Gay men don't have kids, and to me, thats really the only difference.
  • LessObvious

    Posts: 14

    Feb 12, 2009 12:16 PM GMT
    In a hetrosexual relationship u can't own slaves
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    Feb 12, 2009 12:37 PM GMT
    WiryGuy saidIn a hetrosexual relationship u can't own slaves


    So does that mean I shouldn't have mine?
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    Feb 12, 2009 2:17 PM GMT
    ruck_us saidWhat amazes me is how many right vs. wrong threads are posted on a counter-culture site like RJ. Granted, this site is for gay fitness buffs or wannabes, who are probably less radical than the average gay guy, but come on. Why are we trying so hard to become the gay version of the Church Lady? 'Alright' is presented as black and white, but it's really tainted with many shades of gray. You need to take into consideration the individuals in the relationship, their upbringing, their cultures of origin, their financial and social stati (or statuses if you prefer), etc. When you boil it all down, right vs. wrong is usually a situational paradox. I won't go all the way and say that situational ethics is king, but there is much to be said for acknowledging beingness (ontology) of a situation vs the rightness of a situation. Sometimes, things just are what they are, and they don't need to be labeled or approved or sanctioned. To the degree that the parties are not infringing upon the rights or domains of others, the question of validity shouldn't even matter.

    OK, so it's PMS week for me. Sue me. icon_twisted.gif


    I specifically did not use the terms "right" and "wrong" because I completely agree with what you're saying....what's right for some people may be wrong for others and vice versa; it depends on the people involved. I dont think the questions I asked were phrased in a way to imply a right or wrong. For example, the last question I posed was what behavior do you think is alright. I'm simply asking for opinions, not dogmatic principles on the right way to be gay.
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    Feb 12, 2009 2:24 PM GMT
    Generally speaking you could make the following distinctions.

    - men have more difficulty communicating emotions then women which can cause issues in a gay relationship. I personally feel the #1 issue in any relationship is communication.

    - men are more sexually driven then women and are less likely to be monogamous. Thus you see a lot of gay couples agree to have an open relationship from day one.

    - of course a gay couple does not have to worry about an unwanted pregnancy which in hetero couples can cause difficulties.

    Successful gay relationships are possible and are much more common then many people believe, but to ignore the challenges that are faced is potentially dangerous to the success of the relationship.
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    Feb 12, 2009 6:35 PM GMT
    I actually think this is a great question because the majority of mine and Joe's friends are straight couples. There are similarities between straight and gay relationships, but there are definite differences as well.
    Not to be a Debbie Downer (OMG I can't believe I just used that termicon_redface.gif) but hey let's be honest... When your in a LTR you will have your typical relationship BS (you didn't do the dishes!!! I can't believe you said that to me!!! Blah Blah Blah)
    I think it can be harder for Gays because we also have the added unwanted, unnecessary stresses/pressures from society and the times that we are living in.
    I don't think straight couples can truly comprehend what it is like to be in a gay relationship. I mean hey...no one is telling them they can't get married or that they are going to go to hell because their love for each other is wrong. Now I'm not saying this is a day to day battle and, yes, society has come a long way since the 80's; but we all know there are still some streets we would not travel down because we wouldn't want to deal with whatever might happen if we and our lovers were caught making out or holding hands, and if you want to try to say you have never worried about it your lying.
    The upside difference is (and no this is not true for everyone) but generally speaking I know several of my friends always want to have a "guys night out" or their wifes/girlfriends "girls night out" because guys and girls like different things...well how cool is the fact that I can still have my lover with me and we can still have a blast during "guys night out" because icon_surprised.gif we're both guys and like to do the same things. OK that was wordy, sorry for rambling but I liked the topic.
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    Feb 12, 2009 8:02 PM GMT
    In my experience the only difference between the two... is heterosexual relationships involve a man and a woman.
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    Feb 12, 2009 8:26 PM GMT
    BodyWork4 saidIn my experience the only difference between the two... is heterosexual relationships involve a man and a woman.

    agreed.
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    Feb 12, 2009 10:17 PM GMT
    It is silly to say that there are categorically gay relationship types and heterosexual relationship types. The way that I, as an individual, conduct myself while in a relationship is vastly different than the next gay guy. If you were to take all the characteristics of gay relationships and reduce them to only those traits which are common in all you would be left with a very small list if one at all. Do the same for hetero relationships and you would find the same thing.

    Now, ScottishWarrior and Mike^3 both agree that there are differences between the two based on personal experience. But they can only speak for their own relationships and not for relationships in general.
  • allatonce

    Posts: 904

    Feb 13, 2009 12:30 AM GMT
    I'd say there are some differences between genders and therefore there will probably be some differences in relationships between different genders and same genders. There always lots of jokes about guys not "getting" women and vice versa, so to be dating someone of the same gender you are probably thinking in a more similar way.

    In the end though a relationship is about love, and I think that is what makes all romantic relationships the same. Whether that love is between two men or a man and a woman it is a beautiful thing.... Or maybe I'm just to young and not jaded enough yet.