He Hates Sex, Dealbreaker?

  • Fitfriend

    Posts: 1

    Aug 30, 2016 7:22 PM GMT
    Ok, so my current boyfriend is 25 and so am I, we're both physically fit and have been going out for 6 going on 7 months, and we've spent nearly every weekend together with him since we started going out. We dated for a while, however, before we made it official, I told him that intimacy and sex were really important to me, and how would he be with that. He responded that hes all Im ever going to need and that I dont need to worry about anything and he has it under control. So we officially became boyfriends. We were making out hard and did oral all the time, then eventually penetration. I was pretty happy with the relationship in the begining.

    However, not even 2 months into the relationship, things started to go sour. He seemed like he never wanted to mess around and that he was always tired, he just always seemed so unhappy with it. I was lucky that we even got to a BJ every other week. He would lie about not having condomns when I asked if he would like to top. I tried talking to him multiple times, and even got extremely mad at him once for it. He told me that sex has never been important to him and he doesnt care for it, and that even his ex complained to him about it. I tried to find a compromise with him and help him out, but it just seemed to never take. I was lucky that I got sex on my birthday this past month.

    After my birthday though it was a complete shut out. So eventually I just started sleeping away from him. We finally blew up at each other, and he tells me he hated all the times we did mess around and he didnt enjoy it, and that me whining about it just added stress onto his already stressful life and that Im selfish. However when I ask him why did he lie, he has no answer for me.

    I dont understand what Im suppose to do? He spends his time over at my place every week/weekend since he lives out of the city and only comes in for work. He says hes always tired and his life is full of these stresses, but he plays videogames for almost 5 to 6 hours every day he is here at my place. We'll still go out with friend for night clubbing and bar hopping, and hit the gym every day no matter what. I mean we sleep naked together and shower together, what is a guy suppose to do???

    I mean the other aspects of the relationship are cool. We have fun together and such, but the intimacy is a total bust. He says I need to initiate, but why initiate with someone who clearly hates and doesnt care for sex? Cheating has crossed my mind so many times, now Im just jacking off to porn since hes a let down. Is it really worth it? My friend says that I need to leave. Maybe we just need some time apart? Talking to him wont do any good, so maybe we need to stop seeing eachother so much? C'mon Real Jocks help me! lol icon_wink.gif
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Aug 30, 2016 7:45 PM GMT
    I've know straight couples where the wife shut down all sex after a kid was born and the guy stayed because of the kid but also because he really did love his wife. Unusual in a guy but probably less so than we'd all guess.

    Do you love the guy? Or is he a great wonderful friend and the situation comfortable? The "stress" thing is a cover for something else going on in his mind. He needs to resolve it. Though some guys are simply lower energy guys who can handle day-to-day but it wears them down and they do need to chill. We all have uneven levels of energy, sexual or other, and the partner has to love you the way you are on that score. So do you love him?
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Aug 30, 2016 7:47 PM GMT
    25 is young but you might suggest at his next checkup, he get his testosterone levels checked. Low energy, low sex drive, unable to resolve stress. Sounds like low T. Happens.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 30, 2016 7:48 PM GMT
    Give him credit for at least trying...

    If the emotional connection is real... Try to talk about "why" he hates it so much. It's not typical to dislike sex... The dopamine and adreneline alone are things the body craves on a chemical level... There must be something emotional that gets triggered...

    It won,t be an easy talk. And a huge risk.. Forcing this out into the open for him, you could lose him forever... But if you talk and guide him to a realization that you could work with and compromise together and find a way to enjoy each other... Might be worth the risk.

    Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 30, 2016 8:49 PM GMT
    Kinda unfair to be in a relationship where two people are sexually incompatible, if sex and intimacy are important factors.
    My advise for myself if I ever got into the situation is this, think about what I really need and want in a relationship, communicate that with my partner, listen to his answers, think about his responses, and then make a decision on whether I could make this relationship work. Once I decide, I'll stick to it. For better or worse.
    A lot of people just let the relationship go with the flow when thing get tough, if the situation is not resolved, then things are just gonna be sour for both parties until something explode.
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    Aug 30, 2016 9:03 PM GMT
    There is something he is not telling you or afraid that it will upset you by not telling you. You need to help him say it. Every future relationship will require this skill so you may as well figure this out, acquire it, and put this on your tool belt. I hope it work out but if it does not, you must not let this opportunity to season yourself as a lover and a partner goes to waste.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3534

    Aug 31, 2016 3:17 AM GMT
    hey when did you start dating my last 3 boyfriends?

    why the fuck do ASEXUAL people date people who are UP FRONT about loving sex. FFS it pisses me off.
  • bro4bro

    Posts: 1037

    Aug 31, 2016 4:23 AM GMT
    You started the relationship with a very open discussion about your sexual needs, and he lied to you about his.

    He admitted he had the same problem with his last boyfriend, so it isn't you.

    You tried talking it out with him and he told you he hates having sex, accused you of putting too much stress on him and called you a whiner.

    He isn't going to change. You're never going to have the relationship with him that you want and deserve. You can and should find someone better.

    Why work if you don't get paid?
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    Aug 31, 2016 4:28 AM GMT
    If you were 75 instead of 27, it would seem to be OK to have a sexless relationship for the rest of your lives. that's not what you want now, and it's clear there isn't much sex ahead in your present BF relationship. Ergo . . . .
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 31, 2016 2:31 PM GMT
    You are in a one way relationship. He is not into you as much as you are into him. And you have done your due deligence in trying to make the relationship work for you. Currently it is only working for him. Next time he wants to come over tell him you are horny and will hang out with him after you hookup for sex with another guy. He can decide it he wants to be that guy.
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    Aug 31, 2016 4:40 PM GMT
    He could also just be getting it from someplace else.icon_neutral.gif
  • FitBlackCuddl...

    Posts: 803

    Aug 31, 2016 10:34 PM GMT
    "He Hates Sex, Dealbreaker?"

    I wonder about this. With "gay" men, variations of fucking and sucking is all that matters. The attitude appears to be the same whether in a relationship or on the prowl.

    WHERE IS THE INTIMACY?

    The comment in here seems to be that partners need to "put out" and in specific sexual ways--or else. Why must there be a sexual agenda...why can't things just "go with the flow"? That way it is about the chemistry between the two of you rather than one or the other fixating on personally getting off.
  • clarksburgman

    Posts: 3

    Sep 01, 2016 10:19 AM GMT
    Alpha13 saidYou are in a one way relationship. He is not into you as much as you are into him. And you have done your due deligence in trying to make the relationship work for you. Currently it is only working for him. Next time he wants to come over tell him you are horny and will hang out with him after you hookup for sex with another guy. He can decide it he wants to be that guy.


    Unfortunately FitFriend, Alfa13 has a point. Your BF didn't grow in the relationship and it seems more of a "where his place is" type of thing. He probably hoped he could have grew with the relationship in the beginning but just couldn't. Not that he didn't like you, he just likes you in another way but can't come out and say it and afraid to go search for something else. You have the place in the city, it's easier for so many things, especially hanging out with the group and not have to travel all the way back to the burbs. Wishing you all the best guy. Those kind of relationships aren't fun.
  • Wig4

    Posts: 26

    Nov 09, 2016 1:19 PM GMT
    It is called "asexuality".
    For full knowledge, I advise readings at the AVEN website
    http://www.asexuality.org/home/
    Asexuality is not an orientation, but a natural "measure" of sex-drive / sex-desire, near to zero.
    Because asexuals are a minority (1-2% of all, in most psy-polls) , they are getting intimidated disruptedly by the medium sexual people.
    "Sexual" people, therefore very often destroy the honest love life of asexuals... Because, for asexuals, love is VERY real, but sex does NOT belong to it.

    Greets

    The title "he hates..." , is extremely negative, because being asexual is a natural condition.
  • Wig4

    Posts: 26

    Nov 09, 2016 1:27 PM GMT
    FitBlackCuddler said"He Hates Sex, Dealbreaker?"

    I wonder about this. With "gay" men, variations of fucking and sucking is all that matters. The attitude appears to be the same whether in a relationship or on the prowl.

    WHERE IS THE INTIMACY?

    The comment in here seems to be that partners need to "put out" and in specific sexual ways--or else. Why must there be a sexual agenda...why can't things just "go with the flow"? That way it is about the chemistry between the two of you rather than one or the other fixating on personally getting off.


    You have a very healthy vision, FitBlackCuddler !
    (I believe that you belong naturally to the asexual spectrum as well, just as me)