3rd date systems

  • oldfart

    Posts: 328

    Sep 16, 2016 12:20 AM GMT
    So I ran across an item on Askmen dot com about third dates and got to thinking about what I've observed in my own experience. The author there draws an analogy between men dating women and the process in the business world of getting hired for a job: the 1st date he thinks of as your job application, the second is the interview, and the third one is the hire/reject decision. You could put that in sports team terms too: tryout, practice, making the cut.

    Perhaps that's what we do often as gay men: the trick is the interview or tryout; the 2nd time around is interview or practice, and you're FWBs; then if you get to 3rd base you've made the cut, you're on the team & you're hired, you're fb's.

    Or is my experience from the '70s hanging out? [that's the 1970s, not the 1870s....]
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 16, 2016 12:57 AM GMT
    It may not be a good idea to attempt to put human relationships into such a rigid formula. I've experienced both fast and gradual attractions to another guy. And him to me, or maybe not at all.

    There's a term "Love at first sight" that sometimes really seems to happen. But yes, it can also be progressive, in the almost predictable stages you quote.

    One of my LTRs I took to bed the first night I met him. And instantly fell in love with him. The fatal flaw was that he didn't return my love. As he himself told me: "I love you, but I'm not IN love WITH you." I hung on, hoping he would change his mind, that he might be an example of the "gradual" school of attraction, just very slowly. It never happened.

    In comparison, my other LTR was a gradual attraction for me, but it also ended. Mainly because he refused to remain monogamous.

    My first partner was a gradual relationship over months, and it lasted until his untimely death.

    The 9-year relationship with my current partner also developed very gradually. And I've had BFs I instantly loved at first encounter (in vain), and others with whom I explored mutual interest in the stages your source outlines (unsuccessfully for me). And I've witnessed similar in others.

    So I don't think "getting hired" follows a fixed formula. Perhaps it's valid as a general rule of thumb, but subject to wide individual variance.
  • Relajado

    Posts: 409

    Sep 16, 2016 7:32 PM GMT
    I've actually never got past a second date and usually it's the first and then being kept around on watsapp like the back-up, strung along I suppose, kinda ridiculous but yah, so I dunno what 3rd dates are meant to be like icon_razz.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 20, 2016 11:32 PM GMT
    oldfart saidSo I ran across an item on Askmen dot com about third dates and got to thinking about what I've observed in my own experience. The author there draws an analogy between men dating women and the process in the business world of getting hired for a job: the 1st date he thinks of as your job application, the second is the interview, and the third one is the hire/reject decision. You could put that in sports team terms too: tryout, practice, making the cut.

    Perhaps that's what we do often as gay men: the trick is the interview or tryout; the 2nd time around is interview or practice, and you're FWBs; then if you get to 3rd base you've made the cut, you're on the team & you're hired, you're fb's.

    Or is my experience from the '70s hanging out? [that's the 1970s, not the 1870s....]


    Back when I was single my first dates would always be at the coffee shop near me. 90% of the time I could tell I was not interested in the person and didn't bother with a second date. If I WAS interested in them, then a second date would typically be at a restaurant. If that went well, we'd just continue going on successive dates until the "are we boyfriends?" question popped up.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 872

    Oct 04, 2016 10:27 AM GMT
    Quite a few people live in their own worlds of 'too much of everything'.

    The Apps, changed societal attitudes, vast social networks, instant and free communication, etc. make it very easy to meet more like-minded folks, so some guys need a structured process akin to employing someone in order to recruit a boyfriend. Such process must be efficient, lean and mean, focused on cost cutting, well-structured and careless about the collateral damage it may provoke.

    A few people who meet formal criteria listed in a max of 3 messages are invited to the Bucks for a 10 min interview. Very few people will ever get a chance to see you again, because more applicants are already lining up...

    ---
    Now, we also live in a free world, in which everyone chooses his MO. If you wish to be treated like a job applicant or if you see yourself as a recruiter, well, more power to you.

    Otherwise, take control of the process on an individual level, and treat every human with the respect he deserves while making sure that you are not shortchanged either.

    SC

  • oursirpeace

    Posts: 199

    Oct 09, 2016 6:39 AM GMT
    Some great insights here. The guy I most recently went on three dates with is actually a recruiter in the IT field, at this moment I feel like I was treated like an applicant more than anything, an applicant who went thru the 3 step process but didn't get the position that is, been two days, no word from him. I was going to text him today (and he probably would say yes to a 4th date) but I didn't, as this reminds me too much of a situation I put myself in 7 years ago, where I went on 6 dates with this guy still not knowing if he was interested, so on our 6th date I moved over my hand to touch his at a theatre (we were watching Matt Damon's The Informant) and he pulled away, that's when I knew that would be the last time I saw him. Moral of the story, you could go on an infinite number of dates with someone, if it doesn't progress at all it means nothing. I think it's important early on to establish some kind of common goal so one person doesn't feel led on. Yes there are still lots of ppl who subscribe to the 3 date rule, it's a good number to gauge if someone's a good fit I suppose but ppl shouldn't get hung up on that. And, even tho I'm in early 30's, still young, I feel pretty burned out by the games I was subject to and forced to play all these years, very little came out of these games.