Experience With Being Hard To Get

• oopqoo
  
  Posts: 1
  
  
  Sep 18, 2016 4:22 AM GMT

  Hi,
  I have noticed in past hookups, relationships, and even mere friendships, that the aspect of unattainability - the guy being "hard to get" - always evokes a sense of mystery that really attracts me. I am not talking about a guy who is boringly indifferent towards me, douchebaggy, etc, but more about a guy who reserves his tricks for later on, who doesn't need to "reveal his deck" right off the bat. A guy who doesn't show that he is desperate for a connection because he already has so many interesting things in his life. This can be manifested in sex, wherein the guy for example would not gush over me with compliments, and would only slowly and gradually show me the tricks in his basket. Even later in the relationship, once I know the guy, I want him to keep evoking in me a desire to pursue him (intellectually and sexually). What I am pondering is, if I not only pursue a guy like that but also take on that approach myself - attracting the guy I'm with by the virtue of my unattainability - would I grow less attracted to my potential partner? If I exude the vibe of "I am not necessarily gushing over you" would I become inherently less enthused by that guy? Do any of you guys exude this vibe? Please share more beyond the scope of my questions.

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  Sep 18, 2016 10:28 AM GMT

  aspect of unattainability
  this cant be an inherited trait. you would never have been born, your parents would be still trying to figure it out

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• Destinharbor
  
  Posts: 4748
  
  
  Sep 18, 2016 4:35 PM GMT

  Games are for girls. Well, the kind of games you're talking about anyway. I don't think you have to throw up your entire history on the first date because your first order of business should be to focus on the other guy but calculated game playing would strike me as inauthentic and shallow. A date is not a job interview. Make your discovery more about exploring his interests and then finding new interests of your own, and vice-versa. Unless you're twins, this should keep things interesting a long while, if not forever.

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• 24hourguy
  
  Posts: 408
  
  
  Sep 19, 2016 3:22 AM GMT

  Life is too short to waste time on people like this

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  Sep 19, 2016 6:07 PM GMT

  I think because you are 20, this makes sense for you right now. But as you get older and want a more serious relationship beyond entertainment you'll realize that relationships aren't just about love and mystery. They're also about discovering a person who is compatible, reliable and adds joy to your life. This can't happen if you're in a constant state of guessing and wondering what's behind door #2 etc. In fact, you'll want good communication and assurance of what you're getting into and who you're letting into your life.

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• mcbrion
  
  Posts: 327
  
  
  Oct 07, 2016 9:01 PM GMT

  woodfordr saidI think because you are 20, this makes sense for you right now. But as you get older and want a more serious relationship beyond entertainment you'll realize that relationships aren't just about love and mystery. They're also about discovering a person who is compatible, reliable and adds joy to your life. This can't happen if you're in a constant state of guessing and wondering what's behind door #2 etc. In fact, you'll want good communication and assurance of what you're getting into and who you're letting into your life.

  
  
  +1

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  Oct 08, 2016 11:38 PM GMT

  Well SOmetimes, he's just not that into you and he's not playing hard to get. I guess, it comes with time as you develop
  a dating technique. When I like someone, I don't play games but yeah it's because I'm getting older and tired of playing games.

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• eM_Jay
  
  Posts: 90
  
  
  Nov 03, 2016 11:58 PM GMT

  I honestly get what you're going for OP, a little mystery is appealing, sure. Something like a guessing game to get the attention and keep you occupied just that much longer. Somewhere between the palm-itching excitement of not knowing what's in the box and the uncontrollable urge to rip it open and bask in whatever newly-discovered gift lies inside. I get it. Sounds fun, occupying, addictive even.
  
  What i don't get, is why that would translate into relationships with people, or atleast why you would expect it to hold up in any long-term real relationship scenario. People just aren't shiny presents in a box to be unraveled and discarded when boredom hits you again. We're all multifaceted yes, but having a guessing game when you just want/need to get to know what really lies at the core is well, quite off-putting. Imagine never reaching the end of a board game, even playing gets really old really quickly.
  
  Relationships aren't IMO a game to pass the time or keep us occupied. If that's what you want, sure do your thing. But if you're looking for really, truly, getting to know someone so you can build a solid partnership then i'd say put the games aside. It doesn't mean you'll get bored and lifeless, nor that you'll know each and every detail of the other so much that you automatically lose interest. Quite the opposite i think. If you really know someone then the games stay just that, and you both explore one another while comfortably knowing and feeling that someone truly understands you. That sounds way better than time-wasting 'mystery' to me...
  
  Lets face it, the rush of a 'mystery-man' isn't so much about the other more than it is about you getting a sense of involvement or playing blue's clues to keep the excitement going and going. I'd say maybe it's time to grow a bit and not base relations (be it hookups, romance or friendships as you mentioned) on 'unattainability'. Ofcourse you don't have to 'gush over the guy' as you say (sounds messy anyway) in a way that neither of you have space to be individuals, but replacing smothering with calculated pursuit is also an extreme on the very same spectrum. It also sounds mildly narcissistic and psychopathic from where im sitting.
  
  Anyway long story short, put games aside a bit and really try seeing the bigger picture. If you're afraid being upfront and honest about yourself will make you less desirable to other guys then well, truth be told they're also boys who need to grow a bit. Be you man, and get to know men who are themselves too. It's already interesting enough exploring relationships, why not leave the games aside a bit or save them for mutual play-time?

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  Nov 04, 2016 1:03 AM GMT

  A lot of complex concepts in the OP, that I find difficult to sort out. So lemme just describe what I did, see how it fits with this.
  
  Being a very late bloomer, I deliberately hung back at first, but still attended gay clubs. I treated them sorta like classrooms, where I sat at the back, didn't raise my hand, just went to watch, listen, and learn. I was patient and trusted I'd know what to do when I was ready.
  
  I learned these things, that proved very helpful: Always smile. The guy who looks glum, like he just lost his best friend, ain't getting any action. Just keep smiling, MAKE yourself smile. I was also told I looked intimidating, unapproachable, another kind of hard to get. OK, that was my military Officer behavior, I had recently retired. I tried to correct it.
  
  I'm naturally shy socially, and this gay business was new to me. I didn't know how to approach guys. In some ways still don't, although admittedly today I'm no longer looking. So I avoided trying to hit on guys, I figured I didn't know enough, I'd strike out and look foolish, spoil my chances with others.
  
  Instead I looked smiling & friendly. Frequented gay clubs at certain hours where I'd gotten to know the bartenders. "Hi Bob! How are you today?" Now my name had been broadcast. A place having customers, but not yet too busy that the bartender was swamped, and so could chat with me. I looked like a regular, maybe somebody to know.
  
  And I could use my friendly voice, that carries and is one of my few strengths. I used to be a radio DJ, my voice turns heads and gets attention, and I know it, if I may flatter myself. So I exploited it - always play to your strengths, downplay your weaknesses.
  
  And I had the guys coming over to me, avoiding my problem with knowing how to approach THEM. My new problem was how to filter them out, the bar hustlers from some genuinely nice guys. I began to learn how to do that, too.
  
  Soon my "lessons" paid off. Every weekend I was with another nice guy (I tended not to go out on weekdays, at that time doing my stint as a University Registrar). Sometimes several, and sometimes repeat "customers". It wasn't difficult. Even though I was way over the gay hill in age, and never physically attractive, rather geeky.
  
  So while I wouldn't say I played "hard to get" I nevertheless learned how to get guys intrigued enough to come over to ME. Sure saved me a lot of effort! LOL!

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• rvmj_05
  
  Posts: 37
  
  
  Nov 13, 2016 6:48 AM GMT

  i am that kind whos hard to get coz i believe in long term relationship, even if i get wrinkled i dont care, i dont want it to be like a disposed garbage after use. maybe coz of our family history which consisted of hook ups which resulted in broken family. i dont want to end up like that, so when there's a guy whos kinda discreetly flirting or not so discreet at all, i just brush it off coz i dont just open my legs to nobody. we have to know each other better if we want a piece of each other lol

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