Can't stop thinking about having sex with someone else than my boyfriend PLEASE HELP

  • raikov1285

    Posts: 3

    Sep 27, 2016 6:13 PM GMT
    Hello everyone,

    So like my title says I can't stop thinking about having sex with someone else than my boyfriend. I don't want to be thinking like this, I don't want to hurt him because I love him.

    We've been together 2 years and everything is going great, out sex life is REALLY active. There are times when one of us has higher libido than the other. Currently I feel like I'm the one with higher sexualdesire. BTW he's 37 and I'm 24.

    I once months ago spoke with him about the possibility of open our relationship, but he didn't took very well. He really got very upset and kinda sad, and said that he's been hurt in the past and will not allow anybody including me to hurt him again (7 year long relationship boyfriend cheated on him). He said that maybe I feel like this because I'm 13 years younger than him, and that's ok since I feel like experimenting a lot more. However, if by going that route our relationship wouldn't continue serious anymore. At the end, I said sorry to him and we didn't talked about it anymore.

    Now I feel like frustrated or something. I would love to go back to those days where I would use Grin.dr (which is how I met my boyfriend) and Adam.4.Adam in order to look for hookups with hot guys. Currently, I check Craigslist personals a lot just to look at the pictures and fantasy with them. Moreover, I can't stop thinking about some hookup I had with a bodybuilder huge muscled guy 2 years ago who also had a huge D**k which that turns me on a lot. I have even looked for his pictures in my old kik account, which he's still there and makes me feel so tempted to chat with him but I won't for God's sake.

    I need to clarify that i don't feel anything feelings towards this guy, it waa just some random hookup years ago, but still the thought of remembering sex with him turns me on.

    If I'd do this it would be solely for sex, for lust, hornyness not because I feel anything for anybody. It is clear for me that my feelings and heart only belong to my boyfriend who I love so much.

    I would say that I have very high remorse and regret feelings and that by doing I would most likely f**k up myself badly. I wouldn't feel good with my and guilt would go with me all the time. I really feel like a i can't destroy something as beautiful as the relationship I have with my boyfriend, I would hate to to see him hurt and of course it would really devastate me to find out that he's cheated on me, it would really kill me and fill me with sadness.

    Please help me people, what can I do? Someone who's experimented this before.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4913

    Sep 27, 2016 7:13 PM GMT
    Even Jimmy Carter confessed to having "lust in his heart" sometimes. So don't feel guilty for having lustful thoughts. That's natural. And to some degree I think they come in waves where you want some "strange" as I call it or you have desires that may go a bit more kinky than you really want to do with your partner. I'll tell you that both my partner (of nine years+) and I have a couple of odd kinks that we play with in our minds and really would like to give a shot but... not with each other. So your lusting for this body builder with a big dick that you had meaningless crazy sex with is nothing to be ashamed about. There's something very animal about love-less sex that is a big turn-on. The thing you need to do is find some way that your thoughts don't separate you from your guy. Physically or mentally. He may not want to hear that you're lusting for this guy but I bet he wants to stay close to you in as many ways as possible, especially your thoughts. NOT because be distrusts you, but because he loves you.

    An open relationship can work for some but not for everyone. Pick your partner's brain after a really good morning of sex some Sunday when you've got time to talk. Ask him about his fantasies. Have you both given each other permission to fantasize about someone else during sex? Everyone does and most are too ashamed to tell their partner but if you open up that line of communication, encourage him to tell you what crazy stuff he fantasizes about but doesn't really want to do, or not with you, then you can confess some, too, though you might want to put it out there as a fantasy, not a specific guy you know and know how to find. Then you're both coming back to a meeting of the minds about sex. Maybe try a three-way? We have and the few times we've done it we've had fun though sometimes it was more goofy fun than sexually great. (One guy was obviously so deeply closeted that we could tell we might actually be his first because everything was porn talk-- oh yeah, oh, yeah, gimme that big dick...). And you'll also be reminded how much better sex with your lover is than sex with anyone else. For all the few times we've done it we've probably had a thousand hours of "What about him?" "No, your type, not mine." "Him? He's fat!" and most of the time what I want is someone who looks pretty much like my guy and vice versa. Which is reassuring. Fantasy is always great sex. Reality, not so much.

    Fantasy is fun if you do it together and misery if you can't share it with the guy you love. Don't feel guilty that you're having thoughts. Open up communication with your guy and make these thoughts part of you as a couple. It will only make you stronger as a couple.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 27, 2016 7:38 PM GMT
    Can't help the OP, since I can't make him age 20 years. When these kinds of normal urges, for both gay & straight young men, tend to diminish. Although there are individual exceptions.

    The best a young man can do is to focus on what he's got. And keep in mind what he may be losing by chasing after other guys. The old adage: "A bird in hand is worth 2 in the bush" still has modern application.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 28, 2016 2:18 AM GMT
    I don't see anything wrong with fantasies. Where it crosses the line is when the fantasies are no longer an occasional thought, but rather a permanent fixture in the relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 28, 2016 2:51 AM GMT
    UMayNeverKnow said
    Frustrated is no way to live - ESPECIALLY AT 24! Give up the BF and go out and have a good time until you're ready to settle down. You're young and need to find out who you are before settling down with one guy. There's no shame in that. Just protect yourself.

    There may be some validity in what you say. It could be that the OP is one of those guys who isn't really ready to settle down at 24. He may still need to get some more notches on his belt first.

    And yet I know gay couples approaching 50 years together (one of them on RJ), who got together even younger. It all depends on the individuals, there are no set rules.

    And BTW, the same thing applies to straight men. I always say we have more things in common than different, the one obvious big thing being gays are sexually attracted to men, and straights to women. But many of the behaviors are otherwise virtually identical.

    When you want to understand gay men sometimes it's not a bad idea to look at what straight men also do under similar circumstances. And many straight men of about 24 are not ready for permanence with 1 woman. They're gonna be restless and maybe tempted to wander. While others settle down and are happy for life. It's really very individual.

    Our OP has to determine which kind he is. There's even the kind that never settles down. It's all within the range of human behavior. The most important thing in my view is that you understand which kind you are, and not try to deceive yourself, or to misrepresent yourself to another guy who does want permanence.
  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1637

    Sep 28, 2016 6:00 AM GMT
    You're only 24, dude. He's 37 and likely wants to settle down. I doubt you're there. Break it off and go be that freespirited hoar you so want (and need) to be at this time in your life. Don't forget to use protection though.
  • Eleven

    Posts: 380

    Sep 28, 2016 8:26 AM GMT
    The principles of lust
    are easy to understand
    Do what you feel
    feel until the end
    The principles of lust
    Are burned in your mind
    Do what you want
    Do it until you find

    Enigma has awesome messages in its music.

    Its nice that you dont wish him any harm and that you are honest with him.
    You can always apologise if you mess up.
  • raikov1285

    Posts: 3

    Sep 28, 2016 7:07 PM GMT
    I really don't like the idea of breaking up with him, it just makes feel really sad. For me he really makes my life so much better and happier. In my brain, I have this idea of being together as every couple should be with a lot of plans for the future. I hate the idea of hurting him like the douchebag of his ex did; however, I feel sometimes that my fantasies take over me, and really put me into really bad overthinking mode.

    When I asked him back in April, I really thought he would be interested in the idea. I even dropped hints also about trying with threesomes which is something I would like to try also. Nevertheless, the situation got bad as he said we should just "take a break", and I could do whatever I wanted to do, but just the thought of him fucking someone else made my blood boil. I know, how come I want but not letting him.

    Another reason besides his age he may don't want to give it a try is because he's HIV+ (Undetectable). When he revealed to me that, he told me that before meeting me, he was hooking up with guys and also with no protection. Hell, I met him through GRINDR, and we agreed to meet and have sex, that's how we met. So I think his views about hooking up have dramatically changed due to the HIV status (it really got him)

    However, we've sometimes discussed about what we would do if we broke up, and I told him that I couldn't even stand the idea that he could be with someone else or have sex, and he said "Well I will not become a Saint or priest and never have sex again if we're not longer together" and I got pissed off. So he's like admitting (kinda) he would like to have sex with others.

    Anyways I would just like to have some piece of mind and not having these fantasies that really screw my mind. It's just this thing, it's like a phase or something, it goes back and forth. I haven't felt it since April.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 29, 2016 12:29 AM GMT
    You are not compatible with your BF right now. Relationships do not last forever , to believe they dois just a fantasy., Tell him you are going to have sex with another guy and see how things turn out.