Have you ever just wanted to say fuck everything and go do something else with your life?

  • LDRunner

    Posts: 25

    Sep 30, 2016 12:19 AM GMT
    Currently, I'm in my first year of grad school and now as we move in to October, I've been well entrenched in to the program and academic semester. I don't know why, but I just don't feel like I'm liking it. I hate doing the school work. I literally hate it. I'm studying education and I find studying these theories and organizational charts to be utterly pointless and to be quite honest so uninteresting. So far, I'm sloughing through and have maintained decent grades...As and Bs, but damn it's a struggle against myself. That inner voice in my head... telling me I'll fail, I'll fuck it up, or embarass myself. That inner voice telling me I'm wasting my time (and money, though I'm not paying as I have an assistantship). On the surface and it first glance, when you "see me on paper" I have it all going on. I'm in a good program at a good school, attending tuition free and housing is provided! What more could I ask for? I mean, I've got it all.......... BUT I hate it.

    I've been doing a lot of thinking and that's certainly not helping matters. I'm starting to think it's probably not the program that I dislike, but it's myself I'm not comfortable with. This really doesn't have anything to do with being gay either. Everyone knows I'm gay and being gay is not seen as unusual or odd or weird...it's a university so everyone is relatively liberal and or accepting of gays. My problem is ME. It's inside my head. I don't feel happy, I don't feel "connected" to anyone or anything. I'm often annoyed, irritable or just plain flat. For my assistantship, I work in an office with 2 other guys and while we "shoot the shit" at work and laugh and eat lunch together and stuff like that, I know in my head these are only passing acquaintances. They're gay as well and rather overweight. They're also quite a bit younger than me. That being said, they're fun guys, but I feel like these aren't people I want to really connect with. They gossip non-stop and are so bitchy and everyday there's some new piece of gossip or piece of sass to talk about. Neither of them like the things I enjoy. I guess I'm not the cookie cutter queen who likes to shop, brunch, and drink. One of them markets himself as a female on plenty of fish.com and just has ass pics up as to attract straight guys and then once the straight guy takes the bait and sees the ass shots...the guy comes out as a guy. I shouldn't talk shit though. What he does with his time is really none of my concern at the end of the day.

    I'm just fucking feeling done with this. I don't like my classes, I don't have any really deep friendships within the program. I'm constantly busy, but not in a good way, more in like a "Let me get this shit done" type of annoyed way. I make like no money and I just want to meet someone. I'm quiet. Not in weird, creep way, but more in a I am probably trying to think of the perfect thing to say kinda way. I wish I was more gregarious and more of a "in your face" kind of guy. I'm low-key, I'm thoughtful in my responses, I'm NOT terribly gorgous, though I'm not ugy either. I'm relatively fit as I love to run consistently...I think I like running simply because it allows me to be outside with nothing more than me, myself, and my brain.. and just run and think about everything or think about nothing. Whatever I want. And I don't have anyone around. The joy is being by myself. Maybe I like to be alone too much? I don't know why though. It kind of bothers me. I sometimes just wish I had another person I could be quiet with. No awkward silences, no expectation of this and that, just the company of another human being. I wish I knew one person that understood me. Just one person. That's all I need.

    Anyone ever feel like that? Or
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    Sep 30, 2016 12:45 AM GMT
    I think it is hard for people in their twenties dealing with many adversities of adulthood. But you will overcome them all. I think it is important for you to ask yourself at each point that you are making a decision (be it continuing with education, be it being with someone, and so on) whether the decision will facilitate you to be more creative in your life. If the answer is No, then you should not continue down that decision path.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 4063

    Sep 30, 2016 12:50 AM GMT
    slog through, get the paper, then go do something else. Everyone does. At least you will have the proud paper to look back on someday and say, man that was a lot of work for nothing, but I am glad I did it.
  • LDRunner

    Posts: 25

    Sep 30, 2016 1:00 AM GMT
    Apparition saidslog through, get the paper, then go do something else. Everyone does. At least you will have the proud paper to look back on someday and say, man that was a lot of work for nothing, but I am glad I did it.

    I get that you're basically saying I'm wasting my time by getting this degree. Seems like you've got it all figured out. Thanks for your thoughtful response.
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    Sep 30, 2016 1:23 AM GMT
    LDRunner said
    Anyone ever feel like that?

    Many times. In college it led me to withdraw from the School of Architecture, which had been my dream since I was a little kid. But the realities of the field, and the unexpected competition among students (I just wanted to design and build, not also have to fight a 2-front war against more aggressive fellow students), disillusioned me. I never resumed my studies.

    In the Army I got seriously despondent a few times, early in my service. But I always snapped back. I learned something about myself that I didn't realize before: if I just waited long enough, and took no irreversible actions that would only make things worse, the gloom would magically lift all by itself. Like waiting for a headache to end, that you know will.

    In the case of leaving my architectural studies, that left me rudderless for a while. That had been my Big Plan, and I had no back up.

    So I took some time off. To ride my motorcycle, camp & fish, live a lot outdoors as I love. My Mother, in a panic at my losing my 2S college student deferment, feared I would be drafted to VietNam. So she forged my signature on a trade school application, which would get me a 2A deferment. Imagine my surprise when I opened the letter welcoming me to their program!

    So I said OK, I can try this. My Mother knew I loved mechanical things, good with my hands (a tolerable pianist until a bad motorcycle accident deprived me of that, further depressing me), so she chose a certified Master Auto Mechanics course of 13 months. I really liked it.

    But still didn't solve my angst, much like you seem to be experiencing. So just as I was completing the program, I went to an Army Recruiting Office and enlisted, as a Wheel & Track Mechanic! My Mother almost fainted when I told her, my family nearly disowning me.

    But I turned that surprise decision into a 25-year career, I loved the Army. That my Father finally begrudgingly accepted when I was promoted to Major, and he finally began to realize that I was in it for the long haul, despite his objections, I wasn't going to give it up. And evidently not doing too badly at it.

    Protracted point is, low points pass. And you can never know what's behind the next door in your life. Sometimes the most improbable & unexpected things happen, often for the better. I always believe that somehow, someway, I will land on my feet, despite the worst of times. And I always have. Dumb luck, force of will? I dunno. Never made me rich & famous, but those were never my goals, anyway. I just wanted to make myself happy enough to get by. And I've had a colorful life, never boring (boredom would kill me), which was all I ever asked.
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    Sep 30, 2016 2:29 AM GMT
    Who are we trying to impress?

    Do what makes you happy!
    You're a gay and have the world at your feet!
    No reason to stress, work hard and play with it harder!!

    Happy life to all....
  • bro4bro

    Posts: 2187

    Sep 30, 2016 3:38 AM GMT
    Sounds to me like you're just burned out. You've basically been in school your entire life, it's a grind, and there's no real reward except moving on to the next term and starting the grind all over again - and you'll probably have to work even harder. You'll be one step closer to the prize - a piece of paper proclaiming to the world that you're educated - but there's no guarantee there'll be a great career or a happy life waiting for you at the other end.

    A lot of people study a particular field because at the age of 18 they decided it's what they want to spend their lives doing - and then they get a job in the field, and they find out its not what they thought it would be, and they hate it. So either they spend their lives doing something they hate, or they start over - which often means going back to school - and find something they like.

    Bottom line, there are no guarantees in life. If you quit school now, it may be the greatest decision you've ever made, or you may end up thinking it was a big mistake.

    My advice: find something that makes you happy. I'm not talking about a career or a field of study. I mean something completely unrelated to your "future" that you enjoy, that you can really pour yourself into and be passionate about, and that you can use to clear your head of all the negative shit in your life. Running is good but it doesn't usually inspire passion, and it's usually solitary; good running partners are hard to find. Maybe it would be even better to find something you can do with a group, where you may meet others who share the same interests.

    But unless you have a clear idea of what else you want to do with your life, it sounds like you're not in a bad situation. I think I'd just stick with it awhile. You'll always have more options in life with a degree than without one.
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    Sep 30, 2016 4:32 AM GMT

    I would win the lottery, and then do this: (second place is def opening a gay bar)

    How to Operate Your Own Riding Stable

    I am a horse-man, through and through. And they love me! Oh if I had the money icon_sad.gif


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    Sep 30, 2016 9:56 PM GMT
    Not uncommon at all in grad school and it's only October of your first year so maybe you just need time to adjust. Since you are not accruing debt, why not stick with it a while longer and see if the feelings persist or recur. Once you have more accomplishments they might dissipate. If not, quit and feel good about it rather than be another miserable academic.
  • coyoteandhawk

    Posts: 36

    Oct 01, 2016 7:02 PM GMT
    Don't quit your grad program especially if you only have a year or so to complete. Think of it as a way to get a good but cheaper education. You do not have to teach when you get out. And truthfully having completed a 3 year grad program myself in my late 20's, you will be thankful you did it when you were younger. Not many people with degrees do the same thing as their degree would indicate. What and where your interests lie will reveal with experience. About everyone in grad school at some point feels it may be a waste of time but it is not. Just having the perseverance to complete the task is also looked at as character and therefore useful to make another career move whatever that may be. Do not quit it will be over soon and you will wonder where time went. The last year goes by in light speed.

    I went back at 47 to get a 2 year tech degree. Got the best paying job I ever had. Enjoy the journey. You will make new friends if you do not restrict yourself by typing people. Maybe even find some unexpected lifelong friends.
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    Oct 03, 2016 3:57 AM GMT

    It's important to realize that what you're doing now is perfectly fine, AND there are a thousand other things that you could do instead that would be perfectly fine. But if you don't enjoy what you're doing in grad school DO make a change. What comes after is just more of the same, except that you get paid for it. Or finish a Masters then pivot. Binary degrees are gold. Scoop up a degree in one thing, then another (or a job) in something completely different that catches your interest. Nobody else has that hybrid skill set.

    I had this conversation with a friend, maybe ten times, over much beer, in grad school. In fact, I thought that we had Plan B worked out in pretty good detail. A few weeks after I left town, he ordered up a few grams of potassium cyanide, on the lab account, and drank it down. I am still pissed off at him.
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    Oct 03, 2016 4:11 AM GMT
    I aggree you sound burned out.

    Whyd you start doing this degree? Sometimes that initial perspective on something makes it all worth it again!

    I'll be honest and say i didnt study, and i wish i did... the story is complicated and filled with sighs icon_sad.gif but i work at a good IT firm now, a direction id never thought id go in EVER, but i realised i can grow here and that even if a profession doesnt seem ideal (anymore), that theres always leeway to morph that profession into something you want to do .

    Get those papers, get the job, and if you dont like it, keep your eyes out for a job that maybe suits your needs more in the same field.