How to make friends?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 18, 2016 3:27 AM GMT
    Okay this may sound like a bogus question or even trolling but it isn't. I've always been a fairly introverted shy guy. I never liked large groups of people. I've always had a girlfriend, wife, or boyfriend as my main friend and really haven't had any friends beyond that. This is the first time I've been single in my life. I came out last year and this is the first time I really feel like myself. For me it's a new beginning and a rediscovery or even reinvention of myself. So my question is around friends. I have chatted with various people on Growlr, Grindr, and the like. I've even met a few people who have been very nice but whether I've met them or not they all just seem to fizzle out. I know friends don't have to talk to each other everyday but what is the protocol if you want to keep the friendship going. Also I've never really thrown parties but I can imagine if people invite you over they are going to expect to be invited over at some point or what are your thoughts there? Am I just over thinking all this? Another thing I'm personally working on is better self confidence and this plays into that. I guess I'm always so worried about everyone else and what they'll think and I shouldn't. At the same time I've never been super social so a few basic pointers would be helpful. Thanks
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    Oct 18, 2016 3:34 AM GMT
    I'd like to add I'm not just chatting online. I took up a dance class and have met some people there although they all are quite a bit older than me. Still a few of them have been nice to talk to and I went out to drinks afterwards once. I haven't been going very long. I guess mainly I have this fear I'm going to screw it up and offend someone because I didn't text back within a certain time frame or thank someone for a good time fast enough or all the societal niceties I've never been good at lol
  • Falconcc_24

    Posts: 75

    Oct 18, 2016 6:17 PM GMT
    Sometimes people do instantly click with someone. Not all of the time. It's a trial-and-error process in learning how to understand how you interact with people and how people interact with you, and it doesn't happen just overnight either. In this Age of Instant Gratification people expect everything now and relationships, platonic or otherwise, take time to nurture. Both sides have to have some sort of routine of meeting once a week, once a month, and then invite each other to activities. If you feel that you're just the only putting in all of the effort over a while, you may be. This means it's time to go look for friends elsewhere. Taking classes, going to public events and just observing what's going on around you, saying "Hi" to a familiar face, these are the true basics to making friends and networking; the seeds used to nurture relationships.

    People say, "Don't look for it, for that's when they will come," and to a point people are right. But that happens when others see you shine in your self-confidence, a trait that attracts many people across the spectrum, and doing something you enjoy doing and the right ones will also start to approach you and want to include you in their activities as well.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Oct 18, 2016 7:02 PM GMT
    People don't care about parties. Sure, they can be fun but only when they're full of friends. Friends get harder to come by as we get older. You have to have something in common, some common interest and for adult men, that usually means doing something- biking, tennis, gym, ping-pong, dogs, hell, even garage sales if that's your thing. Start with what you like to do and when would it be more fun if you had a buddy with you. Then think about how to meet others who like whatever that is. The other and really more frequent way is through work. I'm not a big fan of golf but i can play and a group of four of us decided to start playing every Sunday morning. I was by far the worst and probably liked it the least but I enjoyed their company. We've all scattered to different things, even cities now but we're all still great friends.

    Think about that . The other obvious thing is for you to not hide. Like your profile here. There is absolutely no reason for anyone to be interested in you because you won't tell anything about yourself. Some guy here even might live in the same city but wouldn't bother to contact you. Why should he? Shy is one thing. Hiding is another.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 18, 2016 9:07 PM GMT
    Thank you for your replies. You both make excellent points. I'm working on my self worth because I know that's an issue for me and it's been a life long issue. Knowing that I'm gay has helped that tremendously. I know people aren't going to be attracted to someone who isn't confident so I have to work on it. Regarding hiding that's a tough one for me. I was physically abused by my ex boyfriend. I have children and am still getting a divorce from my ex wife. I could choose to continue to focus on those things but I'm trying very hard to improve myself. I am putting myself out there in other ways I just don't think it would be wise to have my name and face attached to some of the posts I've made especially since everything has been used against me in my divorce. With that said the people on RJ have given some great advice. I guess it's a double edged sword I can't sit at home and expect people to flock towards me and make friends that way. I can do what I have been doing which doesn't bring me a lot of joy which is chatting with people meeting with them hoping one day I'll find someone who I really click with. I don't want to date because I don't want to find another abusive asshole. I'm just in a weird transition space. I guess I have to continue to put myself out there even if it makes me uncomfortable. Sigh. I mean YAY
  • Aleco_Graves

    Posts: 708

    Oct 18, 2016 9:42 PM GMT
    Find a non intimidating place that celebrates an intrest ie. sportsbar, LAN party etc. Place yourself amongst the people, look for someone doing something interesting of note. Commence in action that leads to interaction, ie, ask when he'll be done with the pooltable, after his reply introduce yourself / ask him about something hes wearing ( printed T). The action is there to start dialogue.

    If things go well make plans again and again untill youre both old crazy and racist friends in a retirement home icon_razz.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 20, 2016 7:22 PM GMT
    Having moved from one suburb in Long Island, an hour from Manhattan, to another in Miami, a half hour from South Beach - which may as well also be a world away - I'm having the same problem.

    As a man over thirty in the 'burbs I found that if you didn't play league sports, drink, frequent the American Legion Hall, have kids, or be sexually available, you might as well be dead.

    Now I'm sexually available and having the same problem. icon_redface.gif

    Gay Men's Chorus Miami is struggling so I guess I'll have to involve myself in charity work.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 872

    Nov 07, 2016 4:30 AM GMT
    Once you are past your HS/College days, the meaning of 'friendship' changes fundamentally.

    There is career, work, trying to get laid, household, gym, family, social obligations, etc. Very few people have time and energy for the old-style, HS/College friendships when you used to hang out together and do most things in life together, too.

    As pointed out by the previous posters, you need to focus on contents. Be it golf, tennis, garage sales or whatever you may be interested in. Hopefully, the guys you meet there will want to socialize, too. Sheer socializing as it used to be in the good, ole days is now mostly gone. Many people have been brain-washed into believing that everything they do MUST have some utilitarian purpose in order to be legitimate. Otherwise, spending time with other people is like a sheer waste of time, they say...

    Sadly, pure, disinterested friendships are on the wane. There is probably very little we can do to save them in this time and age.

    SC
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 07, 2016 5:10 AM GMT
    eagermuscle saidHaving moved from one suburb in Long Island, an hour from Manhattan, to another in Miami, a half hour from South Beach - which may as well also be a world away - I'm having the same problem.

    As a man over thirty in the 'burbs I found that if you didn't play league sports, drink, frequent the American Legion Hall, have kids, or be sexually available, you might as well be dead.

    Now I'm sexually available and having the same problem. icon_redface.gif

    Gay Men's Chorus Miami is struggling so I guess I'll have to involve myself in charity work.


    I found the guys in Miami, Fort Lauderdale and South Beach area to be really friendly. It was easy to make friends.
    Then again, no shirt help!! lol

  • Nov 07, 2016 5:31 AM GMT
    I've moved around quite a bit and what has really worked for me is picking up a hobby or volunteering. If you're part of an activity you might not have to be super outgoing because your level of participation can help compensate.
    Also being open to different types of friends has really helped. By different I mean folks older or younger than me, straight, or queer. When I was living in Rochester NY, i volunteered at a soup kitchen for "Food not Bombs". From that experience I met tons of new people and made some really great friends. I mention this because they have chapters everywhere.
    Somebody already said it, making friends takes time, you gotta just keep putting yourself out there.