Not sure whats up with my BF

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 10, 2007 4:05 AM GMT
    My BF and i have been going out for almost a year and a half and things have been great up until recently. WE have had problems in the past with him wanting to meet new people as he hasn't ever had too many friends. He hides who he talking to in his phone, and when i ask him about it he says its some new girl at work. Do i call the number and confront him about it? He has been working two jobs and going to school full time, and says he's too tired to ever have sex or just even play around. I've looked at his laptop and he has no problem looking at porn almost everyday, sometime even two or three times a day. He's also started talking to other guys on myspace, and getting their numbers "just to talk" (he doesn't know i have his password). I'm lost at what to do... I love him, and i know he loves me. He's told me before that he just wants some privacy, but i'm not sure i can trust him when he wants more and more privacy...
  • MarvelClimber

    Posts: 511

    Oct 10, 2007 5:30 AM GMT
    Ask him to talk. Bring up that you don't feel he's making enough time for you. Try to come up with activities where you can both meet people. Even if they aren't your type of friends, at least you know what kind of people he's meeting.

    Otherwise, if you keep getting a run-around, leave him. You have to give him space to meet people. And you should trust him... but not blindly.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11648

    Oct 10, 2007 11:14 AM GMT
    He's looking around for other alternatives...
    If you want this guy...and you need to ask yourself that question
    Then you need to sit him down and ask him if you'd both like to move forward
    and if he's onboard start thinking of things to do together that are fun and exciting
    If you sit back and do nothing he's going to start fooling around on you - if he hasn't already
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 10, 2007 12:21 PM GMT
    Again, GQJock and I see eye to eye....dont wait....before its too late...sit him down and talk about it...calmly...respectfully...but be prepared, as you may not get the answer youre looking you all live together???
  • DenveRyk

    Posts: 167

    Oct 10, 2007 12:42 PM GMT
    I agree that talking things out is the only way to go. But if you do, you also need to be honest with him about not trusting him--secretly having his password, checking out what he is looking at online, thinking about calling numbers from his phone and confronting him--sounds like a lack of trust that doesn't bode well for the future. If a boyfriend told me he had that info, I would be pissed, and the relationship would be over yesterday.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 10, 2007 1:28 PM GMT
    I have to agree with everyone who has responded to your query. Sweetie just ask him point blank.

    We all need some me time. You feel that you are being "Shut out". If that is his intent or not, this is now how you are feeling and you owe it to yourself and the survival of your relationship to address it.

    You can not be afraid that if you bring it up that he will break-up with you.

    Most importantly, I would suggest no more peaking on to his computer. If he ever finds out that could open up a whole different can of worms.

    Should you discover that he has not be truthful than sweetie you may have to make a hard decision.
    We have all been there and it's not pretty.

    Good luck to you!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 10, 2007 2:06 PM GMT
    You could also try turning the situation around and "calling his bluff." Sit him down and tell him that you don't think this relationship is working out. Of course, you have to be ready for him to say, "oh thank god, cuz neither do I." But you pretty much know that now.

    This tactic would put the ball in his court to work on restoring the relationship. You can watch and see if he stops all the secret stuff. Also, you wouldnt have to barf up all the stuff you have been doing. If he gets back in line with the relationship, you have to stop spying on the poor guy.

    But actually, I dont think you two are old enough yet to be making such a commitment. He obviously still wants to play around. And you prolly could use some more of the same.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 10, 2007 2:17 PM GMT
    Yikes. I read Caslon's response and then looked at your profile. 19! Yeah, rough time to try and have rock solid commitment. Not that it's not possible. Just a rough time.

    Having been there, I think all of us agree - you're about to find out the hard way that your relationship may already be over. With this much deception going on, it's going to be hard to correct whatever might have started you down this road in the first place.

    We're all here for you though.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 10, 2007 2:26 PM GMT
    i'd like to add one bit of advice, from my vast experience. icon_smile.gif

    stop looking at his myspace and his browser history.

    i know a lot of guys will argue things like "yeah but how else will i know what's going on?"

    well. first of all it's deceptive. which means you're no better than he is...

    second, it's for your own mental health. people say and do all kinds of crazy shit online, but they don't always mean it. you can see something and obsess about it, and it makes you feel like shit, but... it might have an innocent explanation.

    like everyone said, you need to talk to him. not spy on him. i promise you -- you will feel much better yourself if you stop doing that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 10, 2007 3:07 PM GMT
    This is about you. You know it is over but you don't want to deal with it. I know of only one case where someone turned a situation like this around. I would never spy on anybody.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 10, 2007 3:18 PM GMT
    Once again just sit him down and talk to him. For any relationship to be successful at all communication is key...well clear open and honest communication.

    If you truly want to salvage the relationship and it sounds like you do. Getting into a pissing contest, or trying to one up him or call him out will not only makes things worse, it is also very childish.

    By all means do not tell him that you have become a LOOKY-LOU! If he ask you tell him and be prepared for an angry response and also tell him how regretful you are that had to use those tactics but he was not communicating with you.

    If all else fails, then. It is what is and you can leave the relationship with some shred of dignity.

    Otherwise things could get really ugly and you don't want that.

    Again, best of luck to you.icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 10, 2007 3:20 PM GMT
    Thanks everyone for all your responses. To add more to the background of the situation, i know he looks through my phone and i don't care because i have nothing to hide from him. But when i confront him on something in his phone he gets all defensive and mad at me for going through his.

    Tomorrow is the first day that we both have off and and I'm planning on talking with him then and "spill the beans". I'm going to be upfront about everything... I don't want things to be over...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 10, 2007 3:45 PM GMT

    First of all I have to applaud you for having the courage for writing this thread.

    I would also like to add, you made a mistake by checking his emails, his phone...ect. I would caution that in the future not to do so again. You're young and we all make mistakes it is what makes us human.

    Trust me no matter how much you may want this relationship to endure and I hope it does. You can not ignore the fact that he may have moved on.

    In a perfect world he would have been more up front and honest and just communicated this to you.

    He did not he chose to leave you little clues, which were no all that little and a little cruel and mean.

    That's how a lot of men chose to break off relationships. Mainly because they do not want to responsibility for causing it.

    You are young and there will be more BF's in your life.

    Good luck tomorrow.icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 10, 2007 4:53 PM GMT
    The best thing to do is what all of the previous posters have said. Talk with him.

    From what you've posted, you guys are having issues with trust, communication and honesty.

    Tell him exactly what you told us. Also let him know what your expectations are of him if he wants to continue having a relationship with you. It's really simple. You can't give each other what you need in a relationship, it will not work. From what you've posted it's not working now. you have nothing to lose with being open and honest with him. Good luck. - Jorel

  • cacti

    Posts: 273

    Oct 10, 2007 6:34 PM GMT
    Good luck, you're doing the right thing. Whatever the outcome you can rest knowing that you were honest. icon_smile.gif
  • Lifeisgood

    Posts: 46

    Oct 13, 2007 1:10 PM GMT
    I hate to say this and disagree with a lot of people but my advise is RUN. Run for your life and do it now.

    This exact same story has played out a billion times in the lives of all gay men. If we were smart enough to figure it out after all the dust settles, then we need to be smart enough to figure it out while we are going through it.

    I just broke up with someone I was dating just casually. I never got my questions answered, and felt I never got to the truth.

    I also had a long term lover years ago who did exactly what your boyfriend is doing and it is really about self-esteem. There is no amount of love you can give him to fill whatever self-esteem holes he has. He seeks out attention from others to make himself feel better and then feels bad deep down for lying about it and so the circle continues. He is afraid to be alone, and needs consant reassurance that he is attractive, or smart, or funny, or all of these things and one person, you, can not fulfill all of these needs for him. He, like most gay men, does not know how to be in a real, committed, honest relationship based on trust. I know that sounds harsh but we gay men don't have good track record.

    I apologize for being so direct and my intention was not to hurt you in any way at all. I just believe in honesty and finding the real truth.

    I wish you all the happiness in the world and I hope you can get through this, whatever happens, with as little pain as possible.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 13, 2007 2:05 PM GMT
    oh gawd, your man just wants D*ck. If he doesnt pull it together and treat you like the way it suppose to be than let him be. You deserve someone who pays attention to you. I had a boyfriend like that never change so i drop him in seconds icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 22, 2007 2:53 AM GMT
    You need to address your lack of trust in your BF as well. Spying on his computer, phone calls etc implies that you already are suspicious of his activities.

    You need to ask yourself this question:
    If you find out that he is mucking around, even just cyber-flirting or chatting with other gay guys on his phone, how will that affect your relationship? Will you ask him to stop that behaviour, or will you be OK with it as long as he is honest with you?

    If your response is that you are not OK with this behaviour, then you need to question whether you have discussed relevant, important ground rules for your relationship. You may need to agree to certain lines that cannot be crossed, or simply move on if you cannot agree to some rules.

    Put it this way. If you have been together for a while, and know each other fairly well, your instincts about what he is up to are probably right. The question is how do you handle the consequences?