How to pursue an introvert? So many mixed signals! :(

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 03, 2016 11:23 PM GMT
    So, I like this guy I met at my gym. He's introverted and it can be a challenge trying to read him. I get mixed signals from him, and it's driving me bananas! I'm generally extroverted and social (at least at the gym).

    Anyway, I thought he liked me. He was actually the one who initially approached me and asked if he could work out with me. I know he was checking me out (and as was I) the 1-2 weeks prior to this. We now, generally, work out together 1-2x/week. Because I thought he was into me, I asked him if he would be interested in going to a movie. He replied: "I'd like that." We exchange contacts, and I emailed him that night telling him that I enjoyed working out with him and that we should hang out sometime. Then, I get no reply. Granted, it wasn't really an email that was asking for a response. But, most ppl, if interested, would have replied with something.

    So, after his non-reply, I assumed he wasn't interested in me anymore. He may have done some "fact-checking" (since he now knew my full name from my email), and may have been turned off. I don't know. Anyway, the next time I saw him, I was more withdrawn and concentrated on my work out as opposed to chatting with him.

    BTW, I know he's gay, b/c of his mannerisms, his gaze at me, and fb page (not to mention seeing him checking me out multiple times). But, I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm straight.

    Long story short, I don't know if he still likes me or not (or maybe he didn't like me to begin with). I know he still checks me out (or interested in what I'm doing), b/c I can see him look at me when I'm at the other end of the gym. We still work out together, although I've been trying to work out on my own more often.

    It's a bit frustrating, b/c I think he likes me, but then he seems to withdraw. One day, I feel like we're getting somewhere and he's chatty and shows interest in me (I still get that gay, extended gaze when I look into his eyes). The next, he's more withdrawn and quiet. And, then, of course, I withdraw, too, thinking he doesn't really like me. And, then, this cycle continues. This has been going on for a few weeks now!

    SO, TO THE INTROVERTS: what's going on here? What should my next move be? Should I assume he's not interested and move on? I now know he won't make the first move. But, I've already made mine. Am I supposed to ask him to do something again and get another non-reply/rejection?
  • eM_Jay

    Posts: 90

    Nov 04, 2016 1:54 AM GMT
    Put the ball in his court and be upfront. Doesn't have to be confrontational ofcourse, you dont wanna scare him away, but put him on the spot a little i'd say. If you're sure he's interested in you then maybe just ask him out again in person when you're next together, preferably in a relaxed atmosphere. If he's 'deeply introverted' then you might consider that and just make him feel at ease a bit, show him you wont bite (not initially anyway).

    I dunno if any of this is useful, but i hope things go well for you. Goodluck icon_smile.gif
  • BambiBoy98

    Posts: 72

    Nov 04, 2016 4:40 AM GMT
    Being an introvert myself I prefer that guys approach me. Though that doesn't always work so from time to time and if I like someone enough I just become the one to initiate things.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 04, 2016 12:41 PM GMT
    Use your words
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 04, 2016 12:47 PM GMT
    Some times you just gotta ask. icon_biggrin.gif

    Tell him you wanna go out on a date and if he says yes great, if not time to move on.
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    Nov 05, 2016 12:25 AM GMT
    is this really the type of person you need to know
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    Nov 05, 2016 10:44 AM GMT
    I'm an introvert also. Like others said, you'll probably have to approach him. Keep it casual and don't be too persistent. Any time outside the gym should be something that involves just the two of you rather than a large gathering, re: no parties or dance bars. The suggestion above that you go for a walk or jog together is a good one. What kind of interests does he have? We introverts are doing something with the time you extroverts spend chatting and hanging out with friends. in my case, that's reading. If he's a reader, go to the bookstore - many have a café and you can spend some time chatting there in a place he's probably really comfortable.

    Also, feel free to invite him via text or email - it's less awkward than face to face - and if he says yes, great. If he says no, be sure to say something like 'ok, see you at the gym' so that he knows you're still friends - he may change his mind later as he gets more comfortable with the idea of going out.

    Don't be turned off if he doesn't talk much. We introverts are frequently just fine being in your presence and don't need to hold a conversation 24/7. We usually open up more as we get to know somebody.

    Also, you mentioned that you're not sure he knows you're gay. Let him know! Be obvious that you're checking him out, or wear a t-shirt that implies you're gay.

    Good luck!
  • 24hourguy

    Posts: 476

    Nov 05, 2016 12:20 PM GMT
    the words "awful effort" come to mind. So much work, such little reward. move on.
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    Nov 05, 2016 10:38 PM GMT
    I'm an introvert, coupled with some social anxiety. I have heard so many times throughout the years that people thought I was being rude or they thought that I thought I was better than them. Totally not the way I feel. I'm always more concerned that I'm going to say something wrong. If he's giving you the signals you describe he probably wants you to make the move and be clear and direct. Like hey let's go on a date. I know I'm not very good at subtle suggestions. He's probably thinking inside I like this guy a lot but he doesn't like me. Who knows. If you want him go for it. Worst he can say is No.
  • mybud

    Posts: 14081

    Nov 05, 2016 11:58 PM GMT
    Relationships are like breathing...It's automatic and natural, if it takes this much work and torment .Time to move on.
  • myrosebud

    Posts: 86

    Nov 06, 2016 12:46 AM GMT
    It's like fisting. The first time feels unnatural, but with the help of some poppers, you'll be incontinent in no time!
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    Nov 06, 2016 4:19 AM GMT
    myrosebud saidIt's like fisting. The first time feels unnatural, but with the help of some poppers, you'll be incontinent in no time!

    Such a poet. love this
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 06, 2016 5:17 AM GMT
    Lots of great advice here from the introverts. One other thing: He'll be sensitive to others hearing you asking him out and might blurt out "No" just because he doesn't want to make his romantic life others' gym conversation fodder (yes, you and I know nobody else really cares; but he thinks others might mock). Email, as suggested above, is good; if in person, herd him off into some private nook at the gym, and be discreet. Good luck! He'll be deeply grateful for your efforts and understanding.
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    Nov 06, 2016 4:21 PM GMT
    marshcram said
    pellaz saidis this really the type of person you need to know


    Yes, this is the type of person I want to know. We're actually very similar: same educational level, same interests, same unconventional career paths, same drives, same personality types, etc. I haven't been this attracted to a guy in years.


    excellent response;
    now you need to tell him the same thing. think of some activity HE could do together right after the gym.

    is it easy, lazy, to have a partner with the same interests not not totally necessary.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 06, 2016 8:22 PM GMT
    You're being admirably sensitive; but how 'bout (in a kind of bashful way, with a hopeful look): "Hey, bud...I was wondering if maybe you're into guys at all...?" And then, as he hesitates and blushes, add, "You know I'm gay, right?" If he's on script, he'll say, "[blush] I was hoping . . .," and everything should fall into place easily at that point. To the great frustration of extroverts, introverts need you to take baby steps at first. Back in the days when I was painfully introverted (now, um, I'm only "mildly reserved"), the above would have worked like a charm!
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    Nov 07, 2016 1:55 AM GMT
    zoltar said
    myrosebud saidIt's like fisting. The first time feels unnatural, but with the help of some poppers, you'll be incontinent in no time!

    Such a poet. love this


    I can't look at the word "bud" in the same way again.
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    Nov 08, 2016 2:49 PM GMT
    UPDATE: icon_redface.gif

    We'll we had a chat. He now knows I'm gay, but It turns out he's str8 and has a gf. icon_eek.gif Holy, my gaydar's so fuckin bad.

    Str8 ppl: on your fb page, stop using the "celebrate pride" app to overlay a rainbow on your pic (as he did)!

    And, stop checking ppl out @ the gym. I guess I'm just so good that it's hard not to notice me. hehehe. icon_lol.gif

    But, seriously, fuck, I'm so stupid. At least it's over. Some finality. Now, I can FINALLY get on with my life and focus on more important stuff. What a roller coaster ride--something that I allowed myself to be taken in for. I took a chance. This is the outcome. It sucks, but I'll move on.

    I wonder how awkward our workouts will be from now on. I hope he isn't offended by me thinking he was gay, although he mentioned that he's had this happen to him quite a few times in the past.

    Now, back to reality...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 08, 2016 5:06 PM GMT
    marshcram saidNow, back to reality...


    consider the large blue area, the straight people, is gaydar that accurate
    Screen%20Shot%202016-10-07%20at%2010.40.
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    Nov 09, 2016 7:57 PM GMT
    And now you know not to speculate from afar, as people seem inclined to do. People do everything except ask the person outright if they can spend time together. It leads to all manner of confusion and misunderstanding.
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    Nov 09, 2016 8:10 PM GMT
    mcbrion saidAnd now you know not to speculate from afar, as people seem inclined to do. People do everything except ask the person outright if they can spend time together. It leads to all manner of confusion and misunderstanding.



    ummm... what? did you read my original post? i asked him if he wanted to see a movie. he said: "i'd like that." i continue to train with the dude 2x/week. i give him lifts home from time to time. this is not speculating from afar.

    anyway, this matter is closed.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 09, 2016 8:34 PM GMT
    marshcram saidUPDATE: icon_redface.gif

    We'll we had a chat. He now knows I'm gay, but It turns out he's str8 and has a gf. icon_eek.gif Holy, my gaydar's so fuckin bad.

    Str8 ppl: on your fb page, stop using the "celebrate pride" app to overlay a rainbow on your pic (as he did)!

    And, stop checking ppl out @ the gym. I guess I'm just so good that it's hard not to notice me. hehehe. icon_lol.gif

    But, seriously, fuck, I'm so stupid. At least it's over. Some finality. Now, I can FINALLY get on with my life and focus on more important stuff. What a roller coaster ride--something that I allowed myself to be taken in for. I took a chance. This is the outcome. It sucks, but I'll move on.

    I wonder how awkward our workouts will be from now on. I hope he isn't offended by me thinking he was gay, although he mentioned that he's had this happen to him quite a few times in the past.

    Now, back to reality...


    You know what you were up front and honest. If he's a decent guy he'll be flattered and hopefully you guys can still be friends.
    I definitely admire your courage.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 04, 2018 5:07 PM GMT
    I’m an introvert half of the times and also an extrovert at other times. Naturally my personality changes as different things happen. On the other hand I’m very excited and turned on by a positive-minded and perky date boy. That would make me hug him all night.
  • tonyatl

    Posts: 136

    Feb 23, 2018 6:53 PM GMT
    Don't feel bad- we have all made the Same mistake. I had been going to a well known gay bar in atlanta midtown which had the most gorgeous bartender I had seen. We eventually got on good talking terms and I just assumed that all of the staff were gay. He had a slightly wispy inflection in his speech.

    So I asked him out. For a split moment he froze like a deer caught in headlights. When he recomposed he told me he didn't think his girl friend would go for it. I laughed and we still get on well when I go in. God is he a hunk. But You can never assume anything until you ask.
  • Ubeaut

    Posts: 241

    Feb 27, 2018 9:13 AM GMT
    If you ask someone if they'd like to see a movie and they agree, then it is up to you to come up with a concrete proposal (or two) along the lines of... Would you like to come and see "insert movie title" this Thursday afternoon. If he hasn't heard a concrete proposal he might just think that you're a bit vague and or fickle. I'm not saying you are but that's how the scenario presents.

    If you've given him several lifts home and he hasn't invited you in I'm guessing that nothing is going to happen in the horizontal tango department.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 27, 2018 12:23 PM GMT
    Some thoughts: a person you call an introvert may just be reflecting his disinterest in YOU. Second, why get involved with a genuine introvert, anyway?

    Shortly after I started dating the guy I've now been with for 11 years he complained about his late partner. A total wallflower at parties, wouldn't mingle, wouldn't socialize. OK, I got the message. Spending time with an introvert may not be appealing to lots of guys. Who might want to be accompanied something livelier at parties and functions, and not someone who sits away in a corner, not engaging with anyone at all

    I made the effort to be more sociable. Because the truth is I can be quite happy keeping to myself. But it wasn't what HE wanted. If this guy prefers to be withdrawn, and doesn't want to try to satisfy you, fine, his option. If that's not what you want then try another. Seems simple to me.