Long-distance relationships

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 15, 2009 4:27 AM GMT
    Hey mates. Greetings from London... Just had a terribly lonely valentine's day for the first time in my life and I just need to vent, so I hope you don't mind...

    So I am in a bit of a romantic dilemma here. I have been seeing this really amazing, sexy, motivated, caring guy for the past couple months. We started out just talking and being friendly and then both realised we had developed genuine feelings for one another. We finally got up the nerve to plan a first meeting in person -- after about 6-8 weeks of chatting on webcam and SMSing and phone calls.

    It could not have been better. I never could have imagined it turning out better than it did. We were just perfect for each other. A lot of the same likes, goals and dreams. We talked a lot about the future, planning our post university years and all. We dreamed of a life together for years and years to come--children, family holidays, the whole shebang.

    And despite living quite far away (I had been living in the states at the time and he was about a thousand kilometres away.) But we still made sure we saw each other often -- we had a month rule. We had to see each other in person at least one day in every month. And we were doing just fine with that. We always had fun together and I met his family and he met mine. We were getting along so well and I just thought it was perfect.

    Obviously living a plane-ride away from someone comes with its problems and our relationship was no different; misinterpretation and miscommunication abounded and we struggled with being apart from each other almost constantly. I had been holding on to the memories we had together and remembering him, his kisses, his embrace, his caresses, his breath on my neck, his scent, his entire being. If I closed my eyes sometimes I could even feel him there with me when I knew hours and miles separated us. I know he loved me with all his heart, but I could tell he was missing me. He always brought up visiting more often than I did, mostly because my living situation (raising a family) didn't mean I could travel as often as he could. Not to mention the lack of expendable income...

    So I guess something happened where he needed the physical aspect of our relationship (not as in sex and blowjobs and the like... just being able to go out to dinner, go around town, to the movies, spend time in cafes with friends). He needed someone to be the boyfriend I couldnt be, so he started to talk to one of his exes, with whom he is quite close and whom I met and actually liked. We've never discussed the reasons for their separation but I just think it was a timing thing. And now I guess the time is better--if not right. And, well, he slept over at his exes place after hanging out alone with him -- I think there was kissing and touching and possibly more, but I am not really concerned about that too much. My dilemma is that he says he can't keep going on being apart from me and needs human touch. Not just a licentious desire to be touched, but a human necessity in order to function and survive. So he's basically not sure if he can be with him without hurting me at the same time. But I can't leave him because he is the love of my life and my children think of him as their second father. He will be the first to admit that he loves them too but I just think the timing is off with us. The distance is too far and his needs are too great for me to give him what he wants/needs. But I refuse to give up hope because he is my one and only true love. I have never doubted that for a second, but I just get the feeling that I am losing him.

    So if you've managed to read through this entirely too long-winded story, I'll ask you one thing. If you were in my position (and for hypothetical purposes, just assume that you are actually able to understand just how much I LOVE this man), would you stay, knowing he is seeing his ex and might leave you at any time OR do you leave, cut your loses and protect yourself from being dumped and being cheated on in one fell swoop?

    Thanks in advance guys! I hope you had a great Valentine's Day -- better than I did.

    Peace and Love,
    Antonio
  • Delivis

    Posts: 2332

    Feb 15, 2009 5:35 AM GMT
    If he is as good for you as you say, I'd move to him if i thought he could be faithful if i was there.
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    Feb 15, 2009 6:13 AM GMT
    xxalexi_32 saidHey mates. Greetings from London... Just had a terribly lonely valentine's day for the first time in my life and I just need to vent, so I hope you don't mind...

    So I am in a bit of a romantic dilemma here. I have been seeing this really amazing, sexy, motivated, caring guy for the past couple months. We started out just talking and being friendly and then both realised we had developed genuine feelings for one another. We finally got up the nerve to plan a first meeting in person -- after about 6-8 weeks of chatting on webcam and SMSing and phone calls.

    It could not have been better. I never could have imagined it turning out better than it did. We were just perfect for each other. A lot of the same likes, goals and dreams. We talked a lot about the future, planning our post university years and all. We dreamed of a life together for years and years to come--children, family holidays, the whole shebang.

    And despite living quite far away (I had been living in the states at the time and he was about a thousand kilometres away. But we still made sure we saw each other often -- we had a month rule. We had to see each other in person at least one day in every month. And we were doing just fine with that. We always had fun together and I met his family and he met mine. We were getting along so well and I just thought it was perfect.

    Obviously living a plane-ride away from someone comes with its problems and our relationship was no different; misinterpretation and miscommunication abounded and we struggled with being apart from each other almost constantly. I had been holding on to the memories we had together and remembering him, his kisses, his embrace, his caresses, his breath on my neck, his scent, his entire being. If I closed my eyes sometimes I could even feel him there with me when I knew hours and miles separated us. I know he loved me with all his heart, but I could tell he was missing me. He always brought up visiting more often than I did, mostly because my living situation (raising a family) didn't mean I could travel as often as he could. Not to mention the lack of expendable income...

    So I guess something happened where he needed the physical aspect of our relationship (not as in sex and blowjobs and the like... just being able to go out to dinner, go around town, to the movies, spend time in cafes with friends). He needed someone to be the boyfriend I couldnt be, so he started to talk to one of his exes, with whom he is quite close and whom I met and actually liked. We've never discussed the reasons for their separation but I just think it was a timing thing. And now I guess the time is better--if not right. And, well, he slept over at his exes place after hanging out alone with him -- I think there was kissing and touching and possibly more, but I am not really concerned about that too much. My dilemma is that he says he can't keep going on being apart from me and needs human touch. Not just a licentious desire to be touched, but a human necessity in order to function and survive. So he's basically not sure if he can be with him without hurting me at the same time. But I can't leave him because he is the love of my life and my children think of him as their second father. He will be the first to admit that he loves them too but I just think the timing is off with us. The distance is too far and his needs are too great for me to give him what he wants/needs. But I refuse to give up hope because he is my one and only true love. I have never doubted that for a second, but I just get the feeling that I am losing him.

    So if you've managed to read through this entirely too long-winded story, I'll ask you one thing. If you were in my position (and for hypothetical purposes, just assume that you are actually able to understand just how much I LOVE this man), would you stay, knowing he is seeing his ex and might leave you at any time OR do you leave, cut your loses and protect yourself from being dumped and being cheated on in one fell swoop?

    Thanks in advance guys! I hope you had a great Valentine's Day -- better than I did.

    Peace and Love,
    Antonio


    Protection comes in the form of a condom, not leaving somebody because you're afraid of the pain. I will say this though, if you cant trust him or yourself to make this work then don't waste your time.
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    Feb 15, 2009 7:33 AM GMT
    Hello Antonio,
    Sorry to hear that you had a lonely Valentine's, if it helps, mine was a lonely one too..whole family was away and i was alone ironing clothes on a Valentine's night heheicon_wink.gif

    After reading through your post, I can tell that this person means a lot to you and if he is indeed your one and only true love, then I suggest that you talk openly with him about how you feel about him and what he's doing..and your concerns/fears..let him hear you out otherwise he'll never know what's going on in your mind, then you can take the conversation further and discuss your future, keeping in mind that long-distance conversations can sometimes end up in misinterpretation and misunderstandings.

    It's easy for other fellow RJ members to advice you to stay or leave, but I think none of us will understand how complicated the situation is..if you feel that this guy is the love of your life..then you should start by talking to him. I hope things will go well for you.
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    Feb 15, 2009 8:26 AM GMT
    Hey Antonio,

    Being in a long distance relationship doesn`t neccisarely mean the relationship has no chance to survive. In fact, I believe that if you both keep communicating and the love is pure, it can grow even stronger.

    I see that you guys are open and true to one another. Your boyfriend clearly misses the affection, closeness, warmth etc. That is important. Only if you both have the intention to live together somewhere in the near future you both should hang in there and be strong for a while until then.

    If you think his search for affection closer to home is only to make up what he misses when being apart from you, then you might consider to let him and have peace with that, until you will be united for good. Follow your guts. What does your heart say? Love alone is never enough. You should not feel sad, hurt or bothered. If you are...speak to him and consider a break. If the love is really that strong you guys will be together in the end. Sometimes you only have to look inside for the real answer.

    Good luck.
    Ar
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    Feb 17, 2009 4:24 PM GMT
    Well since you can see my boyfriend's side of things, what do you think I should do? What did you do and what did your boyfriend do? I am finally back in the States now, but we're still thousands of kilometres apart. So I just don't know what to do.
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    Feb 17, 2009 4:35 PM GMT
    Moving to him isn't an option? If it's serious enough, why not?

    Your story made me sad icon_sad.gif

    Listen to, The Luckiest, by Ben Folds...I promise it will make your day? icon_smile.gif
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    Feb 17, 2009 4:39 PM GMT
    I was in a long distance relationship recently too that ended because the distance was a problem. I still miss him, and I wish we could have given it more time because I might have moved to Houston where he lives if we could have made it work until I was able to do that. I hope I meet someone else that makes me feel the way he did, because it was pretty amazing when it we were together.
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    Feb 17, 2009 4:40 PM GMT
    xxalexi_32 saidWell since you can see my boyfriend's side of things, what do you think I should do? What did you do and what did your boyfriend do? I am finally back in the States now, but we're still thousands of kilometres apart. So I just don't know what to do.

    I see 2 questions here: can long distance relationships work, and can THIS relationship work.

    I had a long-distance relationship for nearly a year, 1500 miles (2400 km) apart in the US. It worked for that year, then we became partners and moved in together. From this I would conclude that some long-distance relationships can work, provided they aren't indefinite.

    In your case, I see issues of basic compatibility and commitment, from what you write. I think you need to separate these 2 questions, and ask yourself if this guy lived next door to you, would there still be a problem? What is the cause & effect here, and are you confusing them?

    Or, if you are both truly & deeply in love, why are you letting distance defeat you? It didn't in my case. When we knew we were in love, we simply closed that distance.

    Well, admittedly easier for some than for others. But we knew that if distance was our obstacle, then distance must be overcome, or else this was all for naught in the long run. It seems to me the ball is in your court to either make this happen, or not.