An open letter to the monster...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 16, 2009 12:15 AM GMT
    The Thief, Robber, Bastard…..Destroyer of lives!


    You have always been there; a shadow lurking in my past, present and future. And yet, I just recently came to understand your absolute power and unforgiving cruelty. I have heard the “stories” from my family and friends, been to funerals of those that didn’t get help, endured my own personal “episodes and darkness” and now have to care for an afflicted family member. Indeed, Nancy is my closest and most trusted relative, even more so than my parents or my brother. My sister is 2 years younger than me…extremely bright, talented and compassionate, with an advanced degree and skills in multiple arts that I can only marvel. She has a kind, tender love and care of the very young, very old, sick or terminal, person, pet or plant. She is “Dr. Doolittle” with a green thumb and a heart of gold. I have been witness to the way she has been reduced to a mere shell of who I have known for 46 years and the way the best “solutions”, medications and treatment plans of medicine have failed to give answers, hope or improvement. I have seen how a career has been taken away by a system that didn’t believe what she was telling them and had an “axe to grind” over it. I have seen how the State, insurance and medical fields “fumble around” and stall and waste time to save themselves some money and see who the “fakes” are. The games that are played are almost as difficult to handle as the disease itself. I have seen the way society reacts and stigmatizes the afflicted and how the politics of the current economy reduces or eliminates options. Many people use images of old movies as a way of incorrectly and inaccurately visualizing the treatments and the conditions. These images are just so wrong and unfair.
    The hardest part is the personal loss and damage done to the lives of the children, family, friends and others. The loss of friends and the strains put on relationships is incompressible. I can see where walking away and throwing up your hands in frustration may be the only way to keep your own sanity in tact. But it is not an option for me. This is my ONLY sister and the one that I have shared my entire life with. She is the first person and sometimes the only person, to support me and defend me in the darkest and hardest days of my life. I do what I do, not out of a sense of “obligation” or “repayment”, but because it is the right thing to do for one I love.
    I am appalled at the damage being inflicted and question the very nature of why this is happening. Is this part of some “larger plan” being run by some alleged supreme being? Does God have a reason for this hard and unfair sentence for a crime that wasn’t committed? I sure as hell don’t see it! This vindictive and cruel punishment is just wrong! No loving, caring entity would ever make another suffer such torture!
    When my mom had a heart attack, I asked this same set of questions….Mom is still here and used that heart attack as a “wake up call” to take better care of herself. When I was so obese that I needed surgery to help me get my weight under control, it was a wake up call to take better care of myself. When my brother was diagnosed with cancer of his throat, neck, chest, shoulders, and he went through the agony of surgery, chemo and radiation, I asked the same questions then too. Again this was a wake up call to take better care of himself…. Bob is still here 2 years later. Each of these has been something that could be tested for, x-rayed or imaged, touched and pinpointed and otherwise spot treated. The problem my sister is fighting can not be found or treated by any of these tools.
    In my experience, Mental illness is far scarier than any of those. Yes, it is located in the brain, but it is not a simple shot or medication or procedure to fix the problem. Relatively little is known about the most complex organ of the body. The brain is more than the sum of its parts and chemicals, etc. It is the personality, quirks and soul of who we are individually. It is where we feel pain and love, and any emotion. It is the logic and the intelligence, it is where we process the world and keep our memories and experiences. This is being taken away from my sister by the robber, thief and bastard that mental illness is. I am so tired and frustrated. This torture has been going on for about 2 years now. Over those 2 years, we have been through the drama of 5 hospital stays of about a month each. Have had 2 episodes of suicide attempts, have had psychotic breaks from reality where voices and visions were happening, long episodes of unexplainable crying, poor diet and nutrition, have had 2 psychiatrists quit with no warning and no hand off to another Dr., and are now dealing with the anxiety and crying of going for ECT, Electro Convulsive Therapy. This summons the images from “One flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest”….not accurate. We have been told that best results are achieved with between 8 and 15 sessions. Nancy has had 9, with number 10 scheduled for Monday AM. She is obsessing and anxiety ridden over these treatments. I am at the end of my rope and just need a break. My brother is helping, but has his own issues; my parents live out of state in Georgia and Florida, and won’t be coming up anytime soon, so here I am. I have been to so many DR. and psychologists for her treatment and for my own issues that I have run my sick and vacation leaves down to the lowest levels they have been at in 7 years. I am having a hard time caring for me and the boys, my sister, my job, the house, keeping on top of bills, and just daily life. Gym time is a premium and going out for a night on the town…..LOL! What’s that? I got one last night and had a hard time enjoying it. I hate mental illness….it robs and destroys the joys of life. As horrible as cancer is, or any number of other deadly diseases, this is the hardest and cruelest. You loose your mind and all of your abilities and desires and then you just become a mind trapped in a body that is not in communication. A nightmare that won’t end…. Hell would be a welcome diversion. I don’t expect an answer…but I needed to dump my feelings out some place….I HATE YOU! YOU THIEF, ROBBER, BASTARD! You are destroying lives and I can’t stop you! FUCK YOU and the damage you have caused so far! This is unacceptable and unfair! I refuse to argue or plead or accept this. I WANT MY SISTER BACK YOU BASTARD!
  • joggerva

    Posts: 731

    Feb 16, 2009 2:58 AM GMT
    Sporty,
    I'm so sorry that this has happened to your sister. She is very lucky to have you stand by her, and she sounds like an amazing woman. I hope that the ECT treatments will ease her suffering - and yours. I know that you are juggling a lot right now, but I would recommend that you see a therapist as well - caregiver stress can take a huge toll on one's life and can be dealt with (hopefully your open letter has helped with that too).
    Peace,
    David
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    Feb 16, 2009 3:25 AM GMT
    I'm so sorry to hear you have to go through this. I've lived through a similar situation as my mother's caregiver. I can tell you the thing I regret most is not seeking help for myself when I was in the middle of it. Find some time to see a professional. Friends are great, but they often lack the detachment to see the things that need to be seen and say the things that need to be said to you the way a professional can.

    *best wishes and big hugs*

    -robby
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    Feb 16, 2009 3:55 AM GMT
    *hug*

    You'll be in my prayers
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    Feb 16, 2009 4:19 AM GMT
    It constantly amazes me how little control we have over the world. Everyone thinks we’re so technologically advanced, but we’re still at nature’s mercy to such a tragic extent.

    Your sister has my best wishes for a full recovery.
  • Rookz

    Posts: 947

    Feb 16, 2009 4:37 AM GMT
    I feel for your sporty for the pain, anxiety and the feeling of hopelessness in which mental illnesses has pained for your loved one. My brother was robbed of his personal freedom by such, then lost his life to cancer in 2007. There is not one day that I scream to the Heaven why Him and not me!?

    My brother is a better person than I.

    My brother deserved a good life, a good fiance, and family of his own.

    I feel the pain on suicide attempt in which I, had to hide a relative's gun for my brother was searching for it. I feel the pain in which this situation is NOT acceptable, it's too damn hard living a life in which someone so close to you is taken away not only mentally but physically. It's hard to say that is unfair, it's hard to accept that its just how Life is.

    I went through therapy to help me deal with these pent up feelings. I still have them, but only when I allow them to resurface. Sporty, you are spending time with your sister as best as you can! You are doing a good job by being there now matter how small of a contribution you could give to her. Comfort her as you comfort yourself that by just being there, you create a place together that is better than not having her by your side. She would appreciate that.

    Yeah... it seems like I'm going all over the place but please know, you are doing the best at what you are able to, and that is being by her side.
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    Feb 16, 2009 4:57 AM GMT
    I'm sorry, but all I can do is hope that you find the answers to your problems soon.

    Know that your a good person.
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    Feb 16, 2009 5:27 AM GMT
    Working as a Nurse I understand your pain and frustration, and helpfulness. Because of the things I see, and have too deal with on a daily bases.

    Also I stand out here as an individual, and people here like to fob that off, as me having mental health issues. Suppose it helps them deal with things they don't want to. It's a term that is so lightly thrown around, mental health. But sadly there is still such a stigma attached to the term.

    Also I had a mother who murded my childhood and raped my soul. No normal person could of done these wicked evil things. Well she is a catholic, so maybe I'm wrong there? After all the catholics do have a long history of raping the sols of children, and killing their childhoods too. But as a result I have been afflicted with depression. Something I'm able to controle without medication. I'm also a survivor of the 80s.

    Anyhow Kind regards. May the sun of good fortune shin down on you all.

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    Feb 16, 2009 5:39 AM GMT
    I hope you sister starts becoming who she was again. It sounds like a difficult period and I hope all works for you. I hope the treatment makes progress against her disease.
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    Mar 01, 2009 12:42 PM GMT
    The monster has taken a major bite out of my ass tonight......I just got home from the Columbus Police Station.
    I am stressed out of my mind and decided to have a few too many drinks to drive ....and I was pulled over while I was throwing up......I can hardly express my personal disgust and disappointment in my very poor choice. My truck is in impound and my court date is friday @10 AM....I am surely the lowest form or excusee for a life.......I can't belive where I have fallen into...it is killing me.....God make the pain go away....... I need to sleep and figure out the next move to make......my BAC was 0.135, limit in Ohio is 0.08...I am fucked.........and my "clean" record is destroyed.....can I die now....