My Mom Thinks I Have a Girlfriend....

  • torontoguy222...

    Posts: 410

    Feb 16, 2009 2:59 AM GMT
    Well this is fantastic. I've met the most wonderful of men and we've been dating for several weeks now. I live at home still with the family, and am NOT out to the family. Every so often I tell my mom that I'm going out so I'll be staying at a friend's place for the night. Just yesterday she asked me in a rather motherly way if I had a girlfriend. She rightly concluded that my staying out a few times a week was the result of having a significant other.

    Too bad she got the sex of my partner wrong! lol.

    This isn't the biggest of issues (I think my closeted status is), but I dunno, I thought I'd just put this out here and see what responses I get. Have any of you been in this position? Perhaps its a step in the direction of coming out? I could use it as a nice segue...

    Is my closeted clock ticking? (I hope so to be honest).

    Cheers,
    Tony
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    Feb 16, 2009 3:03 AM GMT
    Everytime i bring a friend/group of friends over...my mom asks "which one is yours". I say none of them and she gives me that look only a mother can and says "why do you waste your time" then proceeds to pick out her favorites. I'm still not too shure what she wants me to do with them since she never picks just one. UGH!!!!
  • reload16

    Posts: 267

    Feb 16, 2009 5:36 AM GMT
    Tell your mom that your too cute to be straight icon_wink.gif
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    Feb 16, 2009 8:56 AM GMT
    Next time she asks, just sort of cry out "Mom, you're gonna jinx it for me if I have to talk about it too soon." ....leave her thinking 1) you arent ready to talk about it yet, or 2) you are really superstitious. In either event, it puts you back in control of the timing.
  • mrpandora

    Posts: 65

    Feb 16, 2009 9:23 AM GMT
    Remember that you have the lead in when to tell!
    But when you're in love, you can BET your mum is on to you.
    If your relationship with you mum is good, I would take the plunge and tell her.

    Cause not everything spoken is interpreted the right way:


  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Feb 16, 2009 9:30 AM GMT
    animanimus saidhas your mom seen you in that hat?


    Shit I thought the same thing you beat me to it!!

    My answer is when you love someone enough you will tell your family. I think you'll know when the time is right. Good Luck.
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    Feb 16, 2009 10:29 AM GMT
    After finding out I am gay for over 15+ years now my mom still wants me to have a girlfriend.
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    Feb 16, 2009 11:41 AM GMT
    since I came out my dad always ask me "did you met any new girls in university ?" .. or " she's cute does she has a boyfriend?" ...

    "why don't you ask HER out ?"

    I just tell him .."just because" .. I mean, he knows I'm gay, then why would I on earth want to ask a girl out ?????


    I think it's a step for you towards the door of the closet, you'll know when the time is right .. try to give hints before you drop it ..
  • jc_online

    Posts: 487

    Feb 16, 2009 12:52 PM GMT
    Tony-
    it's so great that you are dating a wonderful man. Congratulations on your happiness.

    We don't have enough information about your family or the rest of your life to know when is the best time to come out to your family. There are some great resources in Toronto, and I suggest a call to the local lgbt center. Talk with a counselor to help you determine if this is the right time. Although I'm sure everyone on this forum wishes you well and can relate to the happy fellings of dating a new guy that you really dig; many of us can also relate to being discarded by family when they find out about this part of your life.

    I'm not suggesting you stay in the closet; quite the opposite -- I encourage you to open the door and live openly; however, there are always chagnes in life because of coming out, and I suggest you be aware of all the possibilities before.

    One of the things we are accused of by bigots is "chosing that lifestyle", and there is choice involved. You sound ready to choose to live your life as a more whole and complete person, being honest with yourself and those in your life...best of luck and happiness as you explore a more open life.

    ====================
    I did a google of "toronto coming out support" and got this at the top of the list:

    Coming Out resources for gay, bisexual, lesbian amd transgendered ...Help support the center and build the local West Toronto community. Coming Out & Staying Out Best of the Net Even after coming out being gay can be ...
    gaylife.about.com/cs/comingout/ - 19k
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    Feb 16, 2009 1:09 PM GMT
    torontoguy2222 said...Is my closeted clock ticking? (I hope so to be honest).

    Cheers,
    Tony




    Your Mom is the one person on Earth who needs to know who you REALLY are... if she is asking then find the right time to tell her.

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    Feb 16, 2009 1:32 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]PHLmuscle8 said[/cite] Your Mom is the one person on Earth who needs to know who you REALLY are [/cite] [quote]

    She probably does know on some level and that's why she's asking. It's the closest biological tie you can possibly have. Mothers usually do sense something different about their gay sons. They just may not be ready or willing to admit to themselves what their instincts tell them. Your coming out to her will help her understand her own feelings as well as yours.
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    Feb 16, 2009 2:08 PM GMT
    animanimus saidhas your mom seen you in that hat?




    LOL
    ah that was good on a Monday morning...
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    Feb 16, 2009 2:10 PM GMT
    torontoguy2222 saidIs my closeted clock ticking? (I hope so to be honest).

    Congrats on finding a wonderful man! Yes, start getting ready for your "official" coming out to family. Because your chances of being discovered first are likely increasing at this point.

    It's difficult to keep a secret for long, and some people believe we will subconsciously start doing things to give ourselves away, if it's a secret we really don't want to keep. For instance, forgetfully leaving notes from or about this guy lying around around the house, leaving open emails & IMs from him on the computer screen, maybe slipping and saying "him" instead of "her" in front of your Mom, or using his name.

    I think you should control the timing, but don't drag it out indefinitely. The chances your Mom will find out accidently go up with time, and that's not the way you want her to learn about it. And as others here have said, moms usually suspect. In fact, mine knew before I realized it myself! LOL!
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    Feb 16, 2009 2:15 PM GMT
    so you mean leaving Bruce Weber´s Bear Pond in your wardrobe and have your mother find it is not the best idea icon_sad.gif

    Oh well. It´s done now.
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    Feb 16, 2009 2:21 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]PHLmuscle8 said


    Your Mom is the one person on Earth who needs to know who you REALLY are... if she is asking then find the right time to tell her.

    [/quote]

    why is your 'mom' in this illustrious position exactly? i would have thought your lover, if you have one, or best friend would be more suitable. don't we need to grow up slightly and let mom get on with her own life?


    when i came out to mine she said she'd always known and then promptly ignored me for six months. icon_lol.gif

    i get on fine with her but i don't need her to know very much about my private life. she's got her stuff to deal with.
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    Feb 16, 2009 2:21 PM GMT
    Someone once told me that "Your Mother is the first to know... and last to admit".
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    Feb 16, 2009 2:31 PM GMT
    Oh boy...

    Yeah you're right. At some point it might be good to sit her down and tell her what's up. But you need to figure that out yourself. Only you know your family situation. If you think it'll be good and they won;t kick you out before college ends, then I'd do it. It would certainly make your relationship easier too. Dating closeted boys is really hard to do.
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    Feb 16, 2009 2:57 PM GMT
    GHoSTa said.. I mean, [my dad] knows I'm gay, then why would I on earth want to ask a girl out ?????

    Perhaps because he hopes you're just going through a teenage "phase" that straight sex will correct. That's an old belief that some people still hold in the US, and I guess maybe in the Middle East, too.

    My own parents tried putting me through gay corrective therapy, starting at age 14 in 1963, that included hypnosis sessions. I wasn't told their true purpose at the time, being led to believe it was to help cure my "nervousness."

    They also brought a reel-to-reel tape recorder into our house, so I could listen to my own voice, and realize how faggy it was. (OMG was it ever!) That was prolly the most effective part, because I was horrified at how girly & sissy I sounded, and it did motivate me to retrain my voice to sound butch.

    Ironically, when I was making plans to get married in my late 20s, still in denial to myself, it was my parents who tried to discourage it. They told my sister they had finally realized that I'd always be gay, and that a straight marriage wasn't right for me.

    But true to our family's reserved behavior the issue of my sexuality was never discussed with me (and maybe they still held out a glimmer of hope for my reclamation), the marriage went ahead and divorce soon followed. The one time my parents should have been proactive they weren't.

    So take your father's questions as a bit of harmless annoyance, and be grateful he isn't more insistent or hostile about it. And be especially grateful that you know who you are at 19, and have already come out. A lot of us were not so fortunate at your age on either count.
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    Feb 16, 2009 3:03 PM GMT

    Perhaps your Mom needs to see you very happy for awhile. This can have a marvelous effect on many Moms. They respond really really well this way as usually they will put their kids' happiness before their own.

    SouthhillsmuscleFL makes a good observation. I'll add that Mom may prefer you telling her rather than her asking you as it will have her feeling you trust her enough to give her the benefit of the doubt. Many parents love that their kids feel they can still confide them after those kids have grown up.

    -Doug

    PS do you what your Mom's feelings about gay people are?
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    Feb 16, 2009 3:06 PM GMT
    I fortunately never got into this situation, mainly because I did not start dating until after university (25), and I stopped living at home full-time when I was almost 20.

    You are in an awkward situation no doubt about it. Are you financially depndent on your parents? If so then you need to think about how they would react if they found out about your sexual orientation. Although mothers often suspect sooner than fathers, that does not mean they will react better.

    If you think they can handle the news fairly well, then I would recommend telling them at a time that you feel is convenient (preferably not when they are under a lot of stress like a holiday such as Easter). If not then you may want to start thinking about moving out if it is possible. The other scenario seems to be an easy one (misleading them) but in the long run can cause a lot of damage. Parents don't like being lied to and will often tell you that you should have told them sooner about being gay (at least that is what my Mom said although I never lied to her).
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    Feb 16, 2009 3:16 PM GMT
    Ya your clock is ticking. It is fine that you have waited and you might (and this is a big might) want to break the news with the introduction of your good man to the family. Some people can't really understand the whole "you're gay" concept. Then they meet your boyfriend and they see that you are 1.) the same and that 2.) two people of the same sex loving each other is perfectly normal and real.

    But like other people have said, I think it is time plus, you just feel so much better afterward.
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    Feb 16, 2009 3:23 PM GMT
    It's time to decide if you want to be a honest man, or a deceitful person. It really gets down to that.

    If your parents love you, then, something as small as sexuality won't be an issue to them. Unless your parents are clueless, they already know your sexuality. Almost certainly, everyone knows but you haven't fessed up to it.

    It gets down to the sort of person you are: one of virtue, or not.

    I.e. you're probably only fooling yourself about who knows.
    There is NO value added by being a dishonest person.
    There is NO value added by trying to deceive others.
    There is NO value added by further delay.
    There is NO value added by not having ethics.
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    Feb 16, 2009 3:33 PM GMT
    Hmm, we've always maintained that discretion can be the better part of valour. Being considerate of Mom's sensitivies and taking slow steps is not deceitful, it's loving yourself and her. There's a time and place....
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    Feb 16, 2009 3:35 PM GMT
    That's not called discretion. That's called selective ethics. Deceit when convenient to the person doing it, is, in my view, deplorable. Deceit is deceit, any which way you cut it. Being I,I,I, does not mean it's right. It still means you're being deceitful. It's very black and white. The problem with that lack of ethics is that it will come up to bite you in the behind. Lying rarely pays dividends. To advise a young man to lie is deplorable. Shame on you. "I lied to you for your own good" is a horrible rationalization.
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    Feb 16, 2009 3:48 PM GMT


    Waiting for the right time and finding out how she feels about gay people first is lying....heheh. Interesting.

    To consider both parties sensitivities is better, really.