I did what I thought was the impossible...

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    Feb 16, 2009 10:31 PM GMT
    I came out to my mom; albeit not the way I wanted too.

    We had gotten into a silly argument because she had found my HIV test(which was negative) lying face up on bed. I was upset at myself for not having it tucked away better; we exchanged some harsh words about privacy then I told her I was gay.

    I as going to come out as bisexual, but saying that I was gay made more sense to me because even though I still like women, I like men more. My mom wasn't too shocked and she says that she still loves me, but in a some way I feel that I let her down by telling her; at the same time she was the one I wanted to tell more than anyone else. She says that her love for me is unconditional, but I can't help but feel our relationship won't be the same.

    Surprisingly, this whole thing hasn't made me really feel better about myself, but it has inspired me to be even more cautious about my sexual health.

    My friend told me that 9 times out of 10 she already knew. So that's it for now guys, BTW what do you think about the theory that parents already know about who their children like?
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    Feb 16, 2009 10:34 PM GMT
    Well, that hurtle has been jumped. Not the way you planned as you said. But it is done.

    rNow Realize that a parent may not be disappointed in you for being gay. She may be just realizing that she isnt going to get all those grandchildren she had dreamt about. She has to reorient to what the future is going to be, not just your sexual orientation. Step out of yourself for a moment and put yourself in her position for a while and try to think it through.
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    Feb 16, 2009 10:42 PM GMT
    Caslon9000 saidWell, that hurtle has been jumped. Not the way you planned as you said. But it is done.

    rNow Realize that a parent may not be disappointed in you for being gay. She may be just realizing that she isnt going to get all those grandchildren she had dreamt about. She has to reorient to what the future is going to be, not just your sexual orientation. Step out of yourself for a moment and put yourself in her position for a while and try to think it through.
    I know it must be hard on her, but she doesn't have to deal with it in the long run. She even mentioned the whole bit about grandchildren, but I never could see myself as a father because I never had one to look up to as my biological father abandoned my mom and me; I've had good male support systems, but none of which made me excited about being married and having kids.
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    Feb 16, 2009 10:45 PM GMT
    Hey, well done, m8. You've done the right thing and I'm sure your relationship with your mum will change but for the better. Sounds like you're looking after your sexual health too, so congrats on that as well.

    Parents always know (sometimes they're just in denial).
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    Feb 16, 2009 10:52 PM GMT

    My father never stoped asking me "do you feel attracted to women?" in every stage in my teenage .. but when I came out it was a little shock though ..
    The irony is that my dad accepted this and my mom didn't really know how to deal with it ..but still I feel more comfortable emotionally telling my mom about my life, thoughts and feelings .... the gay issue hasn't been discussed yet ..
    and congratulations .. I'm happy to hear this .. I can imagine how much strength u had in order to say it ..
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    Feb 17, 2009 12:54 AM GMT
    Congratulations, Trying. Even if you can't see any benefits of coming out to your mom now, they will come in the weeks, months and years to come.

    Give your mom time to process this by herself. She sounds already very supportive. Ask her from time to time whether she has any questions, but don't feel slighted if she doesn't.




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    Feb 17, 2009 1:13 AM GMT
    Congrats!

    And yes, mothers definitely know. Not sure about fathers though because I have never been close to mine and refuse to tell him much about my life. It just is not important to me that he knows. In fact, he may never know if I have to tell him.
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    Feb 17, 2009 1:26 AM GMT
    tryingtolive said My friend told me that 9 times out of 10 she already knew. So that's it for now guys, BTW what do you think about the theory that parents already know about who their children like?


    Parents do know on some level. They've watched you grow up, in some ways they know more about you than you do yourself. They can't miss all the subtle things that always made you different. They may not be ready to acknowledge what they know, however. You have to help them with that and understand that the process is hard for all of you. In the end your relationship will be better and stronger because honesty is best with those you love.
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    Feb 17, 2009 1:43 AM GMT
    Congratulations! I'm really pleased for you.

    Remember though that your being gay will affect your mother in the long run. Each time one of her friends asks if you're married or have a girlfriend, your Mum, just like you, will have to decide if she says that you're gay or slips out a half-truth. Your Mum's coping brilliantly now, but it's worth you putting a bit more effort in and talking about PFLAG or other support groups.

    It takes a village to raise a gay parent.
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    Feb 17, 2009 3:17 AM GMT
    tryingtolive saidSurprisingly, this whole thing hasn't made me really feel better about myself, but it has inspired me to be even more cautious about my sexual health.


    Then you are two up from where you were. Congrats and good luck.
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    Feb 17, 2009 5:18 AM GMT
    tryingtolive saidI came out to my mom; albeit not the way I wanted too.
    ...

    I as going to come out as bisexual, but saying that I was gay made more sense to me because even though I still like women, I like men more. My mom wasn't too shocked and she says that she still loves me, but in a some way I feel that I let her down by telling her; at the same time she was the one I wanted to tell more than anyone else. She says that her love for me is unconditional, but I can't help but feel our relationship won't be the same.

    Surprisingly, this whole thing hasn't made me really feel better about myself, but it has inspired me to be even more cautious about my sexual health.

    My friend told me that 9 times out of 10 she already knew. So that's it for now guys, BTW what do you think about the theory that parents already know about who their children like?


    You're right, it wont be the same - it's going to be honest.

    As for the parents know thing - I'm pretty positive that all parents know. If they don't they need to be more involved in their children's lives.

    CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Feb 18, 2009 4:17 PM GMT
    Hey that wasnt as bad as the way my parents found out!! (LONNG STORY) but anyway good job man, you got the job done lol. so that should be 2 weights off ur shoulders, ur out and hiv neg! my parents said the same thing, well mainly my mom, about their love being unconditional, but yes, things are a little different. but i moved away for college and i think that is helping everyone.

    i do think parents see it coming. there are things we do especially as kids that are red flags of gayness that we just dont see as kids, so we dont try to hide it. oops. so seven years later, when this comes about, its not such a shock, well for them anyway.


    congrats man, and you should consider yourself lucky, i know of quite a few guys who's parents weren't so understanding.
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    Feb 18, 2009 4:26 PM GMT
    Coming out is never an easy thing tryingtolive but you've climbed a mountain that will allow you to be who you are and to better build a support system from someone who loves you unconditionally. Give your mom some time to adjust to it, even if she had an idea, knowing for sure requires her to come to terms with it just like you came to terms with it in your mind and life.

    It's a good thing for you to have shared it with her, even if not the way you mentally had planned. The genie is out now, keep the communications open and talk to her about how she feels, how you feel and be sure to give her a hug so she knows that your love is unconditional as well. Moms don't last forever on this earth so appreciate and enjoy her while you can.
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    Feb 18, 2009 4:41 PM GMT
    Congratulations! The hard part is over now.
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    Feb 18, 2009 5:59 PM GMT
    I'm glad it turned out well. It could've been far worse.
  • EricLA

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    Feb 18, 2009 6:25 PM GMT
    Trying,

    Congrats. Coming out doesn't always happen on our terms let alone in ideal ways. I think you handled it well, given the circumstances. And, I think you are probably better off telling your mother you're gay, at least for now. I think when you tell parents you are bi, they tend to expect you'll focus more on the opposite sex than the same sex.

    As for your relationship being different, of course it's going to be different. First, she now knows the truth. You're not going to have to lie to her about things now. You can be more open. Yes, she might be awkward about your being gay for a while. It's taken you years, I assume, to be comfortable with being gay. You can't expect her to get there overnight. Give her some time and be a lit patient as she gets there. She may not say all the right things, so you need to be able to coach her.
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    Feb 20, 2009 8:26 PM GMT
    I agree... It could have been worse... MUCH worse... Sounds like it went awesome, in my opinion!!

    And, you're right... Your relationship WON'T be the same... It'll be BETTER and STRONGER now!!! She's told you she loves you unconditionally... The rest is just adjusting to it all, and letting go of all of the stigma that we all put on ourselves, until we finally are honest with ourselves, and others that mean something in our lives...

    I'm proud of you, bud... Congrats... And, for me, it was an AMAZING boulder lifted off of my chest in life... I could breathe, for the first time in my entire life...

    And, I didn't come out until I was 43... (smiling)

    Always, always be safe.... It only takes one time... There are no do-over tickets handed out...
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    Feb 21, 2009 2:04 AM GMT
    Trying, as a follow up to the 'benefits' of coming out to someone:

    You don't have to lie about this anymore to the people you came out to or give evasive answers, which will feel like a huge relief from now on. And once those people start to truly support you, their gay son, friend, brother, sister etc. life will be so much better. Trust me