Best dating web site for something real?

  • GoodManSD

    Posts: 10

    Mar 19, 2017 7:29 PM GMT
    A while back I was on a number of dating (not sex) sites like match.com, okcupid, etc. But never had a lot of luck. Typically, it was unusual for guys to actually respond to messages. Whether it was due to lack of activity, or what, I don't know.

    Are there any "good" gay dating sites that have guys which really are dating oriented and not just looking for a hookup? Something with 30 - 45yo professional types. Or dating apps (NOT Grindr, thanks) that are good?

    Quality 30s guys are very hard to find, and seems like now a good many of them are married. I'm in San Diego, and would even consider an LA guy. But 99% seem quite lazy and a 90 minute drive is a non-starter. Sure a 90 mile drive for a hookup isn't happening, but for a quality match it's not a huge hurdle.
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    Mar 20, 2017 2:43 AM GMT
    GoodManSD
    A while back I was on a number of dating (not sex) sites like match.com, okcupid, etc. But never had a lot of luck. Typically, it was unusual for guys to actually respond to messages. Whether it was due to lack of activity, or what, I don't know. Are there any "good" gay dating sites that have guys which really are dating oriented and not just looking for a hookup? Something with 30 - 45yo professional types. Or dating apps (NOT Grindr, thanks) that are good?

    Stephenoabc
    You've went through them all. You could try realjock where we are. You could try craigslist. That is all there is.

    If there is an offline dating service, that could be tried. I tried manmate when I was in NYC. http://www.manmate.com/

    GoodManSD
    Quality 30s guys are very hard to find, and seems like now a good many of them are married.

    Stephenoabc
    The marrying kind have already picked their lovers in their 20s. And they have a parenting clock. So commitments to a domestic partner have been made so children can be born no later than 28-34.

    You have hookup on your profile. So, you really haven't turned the corner into being the marrying kind.
    If I were in your city or if you were in my city, I wouldn't take you seriously about a lifetime commitment, for myself or anyone else.

    GoodManSD
    I'm in San Diego, and would even consider an LA guy. But 99% seem quite lazy and a 90 minute drive is a non-starter. Sure a 90 mile drive for a hookup isn't happening, but for a quality match it's not a huge hurdle.

    Stephenoabc
    99% are lazy, quite lazy. The glass is half empty. 99% are not good enough for you. icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Mar 20, 2017 2:50 AM GMT
    GoodManSD saidA while back I was on a number of dating (not sex) sites like match.com, okcupid, etc. But never had a lot of luck. Typically, it was unusual for guys to actually respond to messages. Whether it was due to lack of activity, or what, I don't know.

    Are there any "good" gay dating sites that have guys which really are dating oriented and not just looking for a hookup? Something with 30 - 45yo professional types. Or dating apps (NOT Grindr, thanks) that are good?

    Quality 30s guys are very hard to find, and seems like now a good many of them are married. I'm in San Diego, and would even consider an LA guy. But 99% seem quite lazy and a 90 minute drive is a non-starter. Sure a 90 mile drive for a hookup isn't happening, but for a quality match it's not a huge hurdle.


    I think a lot of pre-millennial guys meet IRL. I also know a few gay couples in their 40's-50's who have met on OKCupid in the San Francisco area. So guys are out there (at least sometimes).
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    Mar 20, 2017 2:53 AM GMT
    Also, you should not say you like to travel internationally.
    What should a prospect do with that?
    They will see you as unavailable. They will see that interest as a high hurdle (time off from work and money to join you).

    You do not mention any of your institutions: parents & siblings, alma mater, church,/religion, associations, museum membership, whether you want to form a gay/bisexual family (but who would care, you're still into hookups).

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    Mar 20, 2017 3:46 AM GMT
    StephenOABC saidAlso, you should not say you like to travel internationally.
    What should a prospect do with that?
    They will see you as unavailable. They will see that interest as a high hurdle (time off from work and money to join you).

    You do not mention any of your institutions: parents & siblings, alma mater, church,/religion, associations, museum membership, whether you want to form a gay/bisexual family (but who would care, you're still into hookups).



    I don't think there's anything wrong with stating that you like to travel. It's merely stating an interest...I don't see how that translates to being "unavailable".
    I have it on my dating profiles and I still get messages...
    To the OP, I don't really know what else you could try besides apps...I go through waves where I disabled my various accounts every now and then and take little breathers like that. I don't want to be cliché and say join LGBTQIA+ groups in your neighborhood. Lets me know once you've figured that 1 out. icon_neutral.gif
  • buddycat

    Posts: 2285

    Mar 20, 2017 5:12 AM GMT
    OK, this is just my take on these dating sites and apps. I am on Tinder and OKCupid. I was contacted by someone who had on their profile they are good at planning epic vacations and looking for another adventurer. This should have been a red flag along with his memberships to Walnut Street Theater and Kimmel Center but he said he felt his dating life has been passing him on by and was trying to figure out what to do with him. He attacked me and I was treated like I had no right to be on that website because I did not measure up with his expectations of me and accused me of plotting something against him. He is the one that always contacted me and he asked for my number and email address.

    That being said, there are similar situations that happened and your profile appears you want some 20 something version of you. 20s and 30s are not grouped together. You are actually pushing 40s. It seems you are looking for a fantasy man. One guy on there said everyone on OKCupid is average but looking for a Ken Doll. Your profile is reading like that kind of. Most people feel they would not measure up to your expectations. Yes, many guys are already married are in a relationship if they want one. Some that are left over have issues or they are very cold and bitter. If you have a lot of deal breakers, that is my deal breaker. I think you need to realize you are pushing 40 you are not lumped in with 23 year olds who would never meet your expectations.

    If you want something real seek something real--not some fantasy.
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    Mar 20, 2017 7:45 AM GMT
    I don't think the perfect one exists
  • buddycat

    Posts: 2285

    Mar 20, 2017 8:23 AM GMT
    I am sure this kind of stuff happens all the time because people want their expectations met and when they aren't they get aggravated. I don't know what the big deal about being busy. It is another when you attack someone and accuse them of trying to get over on them because they did not meet his expectations I expected a lot better from someone like himself since he was a government official.

    LEANDRO_NJ said
    buddycat saidOK, this is just my take on these dating sites and apps. I am on Tinder and OKCupid. I was contacted by someone who had on their profile they are good at planning epic vacations and looking and for another adventurer. This should have been a red flag along with his memberships to Walnut Street Theater and Kimmel Center but he said he felt his dating life has been passing him on by and was trying to figure out what to do with him. He attacked me and I was treated like I had no right to be on that website because I did not measure up with his expectations of me and accused me of plotting something against him. He is the one that always contacted me and he asked for my number and email address.

    That being said, there are similar situations that happened and your profile appears you want some 20 something version of you. 20s and 30s are not grouped together. You are actually pushing 40s. It seems you are looking for a fantasy man. One guy on there said everyone on OKCupid is average but looking for a Ken Doll. Your profile is reading like that kind of. Most people feel they would not measure up to your expectations. Yes, many guys are already married are in a relationship if they want one. Some that are left over have issues or they are very cold and bitter. If you have a lot of deal breakers, that is my deal breaker. I think you need to realize you are pushing 40 you are not lumped in with 23 year olds who would never meet your expectations.

    If you want something real seek something real--not some fantasy.
    BOLD TEXT GOES HERE

    That pretty much sums up OKCupid! most guys there have very unrealistic high expectations. I once replied to someone on that website, did liked him, but at the time I was very busy with some personal issues, so we couldn't meet. Even though I told him how busy I was, his reaction was that my actions didn't match my profile???? really!? I have a lot of good people who depend on me all the time, who are also there for me when I need them. I wasn't about to break planned commitments with them over a perfect stranger.
  • buddycat

    Posts: 2285

    Mar 20, 2017 8:24 AM GMT
    Ombrax saidI don't think the perfect one exists


    Doesn't stop people from looking for "the perfect one" then complain about their non-existent dating life.
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    Mar 21, 2017 2:30 AM GMT
    Guys on dating apps and websites are, in general, Flakey, I don't have good experiences on OKC, Match either. I mean, It just seems to me that you're looking for a younger 20s jock version of yourself. Nothing wrong with that but just realize that there are many types of gay men out there, if you're just wanting a very **Specific guy, he may not even exist. I think, some guys said it, most gay men or some of us are taught either by the media or whatever, we have unusual **High and Unrealistic standards. GL.


  • buddycat

    Posts: 2285

    Mar 21, 2017 3:36 AM GMT
    I agree, expect not to find a 20 something jock guy who is stable and not into the bar scene. I wouldn't group you with the 20 somethings. You are pushing 40. I agree they are for the most part flaky on dating sites and apps and seeking out a fantasy man they concocted or see a profile like mine with pics they may like but limited profile where they can fill in the blanks. As you know from my thread you responded to I had only one experience with a dating site with someone I actually liked and that went terribly. This guy kept messaging me and asked me for my email address and phone number. He said he went on OKCupid still to see my pictures so he obviously liked them.

    It had been many years since I had dated for different reasons. Yes, something went wrong on the phone. I don't know why I forgot it, perhaps because he said he was the one who should be sorry as I kept apologizing as he attacked me and accused me of plotting against him.
    I told him that I was plotting us as a couple and he said that I was actually plotting something good but told him you and I both know that this is not going to happen.. I was totally shocked because he was a regional manager of the Employment and Training Administration at the Department of Labor and expected not to hear "what the fuck is this?", "if you are plotting something you can forget it", "you are being too sweet, you are up to something", and other things I didn't hear because I kept apologizing while he attacked me. Before that we just talked about my decision to quit this part-time job as a tutor at Devry University because I saw it going nowhere and didn't expect to get promoted as a professor because they are downsizing, the ignorance of this co-worker who was unknowingly "in charge when the guy in charge was not there", my experience with for-profit education, and the Employment and Training Administration's policy of not using them for their training..

    laxwill10 saidGuys on dating apps and websites are, in general, Flakey, I don't have good experiences on OKC, Match either. I mean, It just seems to me that you're looking for a younger 20s jock version of yourself. Nothing wrong with that but just realize that there are many types of gay men out there, if you're just wanting a very **Specific guy, he may not even exist. I think, some guys said it, most gay men or some of us are taught either by the media or whatever, we have unusual **High and Unrealistic standards. GL.


    BOLD TEXT GOES HERE
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    Mar 21, 2017 10:57 AM GMT
    You will find the same guys everywhere. Whoever is on grindr is most likely on okcupid, scruff, adam whatever. Most likely same profile pictures. The one on grindr will say looking for fun or whatever.. Okcupid will say looking for LTR. Same gays different messages. Lol. It's the same guys everywhere. Match is totally obsolete though. Like 2008 or something.
  • buddycat

    Posts: 2285

    Mar 22, 2017 3:13 AM GMT
    DK_265 saidYou will find the same guys everywhere. Whoever is on grindr is most likely on okcupid, scruff, adam whatever. Most likely same profile pictures. The one on grindr will say looking for fun or whatever.. Okcupid will say looking for LTR. Same gays different messages. Lol. It's the same guys everywhere. Match is totally obsolete though. Like 2008 or something.


    LOL, same guys on OKCupid are also on Plenty of Fish. I just finished my profile to check it out.
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    Mar 22, 2017 7:06 AM GMT
    Gay world is so small compared to the straight one. Obviously, anyone who swing the way we do will have a hard time finding a good match (the perfect ones are unicorn). Then there are those who don't want a relationship, don't want to be out of closet, are married to a woman, or are themselves homophobic that the idea of another gay person let alone gay culture offends them. You're only left with a tiny minority that is looking to date that is made tinier once you start considering personal preferences. Finally what you are left with is what you can date and even that comes down to what are liveable imperfections and what are unliveable ones.

    But many gay people have spent so much of their time alone, that their loneliness have become habitual. So the heart seeks love and companionship but the mind wants solace and undisturbed calm. It can be a tough spot for anyone. I suggest, you keep looking, time and effort would eventually bring something. If not, there is always RJ to pour your heart out.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11421

    Mar 22, 2017 8:19 AM GMT
    I think dating sites are more miss than hit .... You're better off going to gay bars, restaurants, etc and joining gay groups and organizations that interest you
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    Mar 22, 2017 7:26 PM GMT
    GoodManSD saidA while back I was on a number of dating (not sex) sites like match.com, okcupid, etc. But never had a lot of luck. Typically, it was unusual for guys to actually respond to messages. Whether it was due to lack of activity, or what, I don't know.

    Are there any "good" gay dating sites that have guys which really are dating oriented and not just looking for a hookup? Something with 30 - 45yo professional types. Or dating apps (NOT Grindr, thanks) that are good?

    Quality 30s guys are very hard to find, and seems like now a good many of them are married. I'm in San Diego, and would even consider an LA guy. But 99% seem quite lazy and a 90 minute drive is a non-starter. Sure a 90 mile drive for a hookup isn't happening, but for a quality match it's not a huge hurdle.

    I don't think you are alone man. i'm up here in the bay area and i have the same problem..


    Seeing you reminds me i have to visit my sister in San Diego lol
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    Mar 23, 2017 2:48 AM GMT
    ricky1987 saidGay world is so small compared to the straight one. Obviously, anyone who swing the way we do will have a hard time finding a good match (the perfect ones are unicorn). Then there are those who don't want a relationship, don't want to be out of closet, are married to a woman, or are themselves homophobic that the idea of another gay person let alone gay culture offends them. You're only left with a tiny minority that is looking to date that is made tinier once you start considering personal preferences. Finally what you are left with is what you can date and even that comes down to what are liveable imperfections and what are unliveable ones.

    But many gay people have spent so much of their time alone, that their loneliness have become habitual. So the heart seeks love and companionship but the mind wants solace and undisturbed calm. It can be a tough spot for anyone. I suggest, you keep looking, time and effort would eventually bring something. If not, there is always RJ to pour your heart out.


    This is true. When you consider your preferences like who you are attracted to, their personality etc. very few to none is the answer. Often times if you are attracted to someone they are not and vice versa. Attraction is the fist hurdle to cross for many. Then comes a bunch of other things like personality, financial stability, compatibility etc etc. This is a very challenging process and except for the few lucky ones who manage to find a partner they are happy with, this is the reality.
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    Mar 23, 2017 2:50 AM GMT
    buddycat said
    DK_265 saidYou will find the same guys everywhere. Whoever is on grindr is most likely on okcupid, scruff, adam whatever. Most likely same profile pictures. The one on grindr will say looking for fun or whatever.. Okcupid will say looking for LTR. Same gays different messages. Lol. It's the same guys everywhere. Match is totally obsolete though. Like 2008 or something.


    LOL, same guys on OKCupid are also on Plenty of Fish. I just finished my profile to check it out.


    Amen. I never bothered to check POF. To go through all that effort to create a profile and then be disappointed to find the same gays again and again. Been there done that. I have decided not to "look" for "anything". If things happen, great. Otherwise no big deal.
  • buddycat

    Posts: 2285

    Mar 25, 2017 10:00 AM GMT
    DK_265 said
    buddycat said
    DK_265 saidYou will find the same guys everywhere. Whoever is on grindr is most likely on okcupid, scruff, adam whatever. Most likely same profile pictures. The one on grindr will say looking for fun or whatever.. Okcupid will say looking for LTR. Same gays different messages. Lol. It's the same guys everywhere. Match is totally obsolete though. Like 2008 or something.


    LOL, same guys on OKCupid are also on Plenty of Fish. I just finished my profile to check it out.


    Amen. I never bothered to check POF. To go through all that effort to create a profile and then be disappointed to find the same gays again and again. Been there done that. I have decided not to "look" for "anything". If things happen, great. Otherwise no big deal.


    I think that I saw one hot guy on Plenty of Fish who is out in the sticks, Quakertown PA. Other than that the same guys and same type of guys. Average or below average guys.
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    Mar 25, 2017 4:00 PM GMT
    Grindr, Scruff, Hornet, etc are just arenas where behavior is determined by a mutual agreement. It takes two to tango and you will not hookup if you don't want to, regardless of what app you choose.

    The assumption that those are hookup apps is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Put several gay men in a single place and you'll have the same scenario. This is not caused by apps, this is just predominant male behavior. You've already learned that "dating" websites for gay men are a fail. You are part of a sexual minority and you want the numbers to be in your favor. You have to be where everybody else is -- filtering them is entirely up to you.
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    Mar 25, 2017 9:05 PM GMT
    ^^^ Agreed with Bachian above, these apps with gay guys on it are just another portals to meet guys But they have to agree to meet you.
    It's sort of the same thing in gay bars, if you don't feel someone, you can just walk away or ignore them. That would explain that many gay
    men end up going home solo at the end of the night. And sometimes, the music is too loud, you can't talk and have a normal conversation
    in clubs either. I think OP should just keep trying and maybe lower your standards a bit. Just a thought.
  • buddycat

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    Mar 26, 2017 5:34 PM GMT
    bachian saidGrindr, Scruff, Hornet, etc are just arenas where behavior is determined by a mutual agreement. It takes two to tango and you will not hookup if you don't want to, regardless of what app you choose.

    The assumption that those are hookup apps is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Put several gay men in a single place and you'll have the same scenario. This is not caused by apps, this is just predominant male behavior. You've already learned that "dating" websites for gay men are a fail. You are part of a sexual minority and you want the numbers to be in your favor. You have to be where everybody else is -- filtering them is entirely up to you.


    I agree with this completely although I don't agree with your statements in the past about my particular experience with them . Internet dating sites could work for gay men if they used them correctly but they don't. Many lose patience and just go for the physical right away because that is what they want and worry about the rest later unless you are just a big woman and most don't want that. I also agree your standards are a bit high. I think you are looking for a younger version of yourself.
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    Mar 26, 2017 6:08 PM GMT
    buddycat saidI also agree your standards are a bit high. I think you are looking for a younger version of yourself.


    I don't deny my standards are high but in this case I think you're referring to OP. icon_razz.gif
  • buddycat

    Posts: 2285

    Mar 26, 2017 7:27 PM GMT
    bachian said
    buddycat saidI also agree your standards are a bit high. I think you are looking for a younger version of yourself.


    I don't deny my standards are high but in this case I think you're referring to OP. icon_razz.gif


    Yeh, I changed my post. In that case I was talking about the OP. You were wrong about my bad experience on these dating sites it had nothing to do with my "self-esteem" but right they are an epic fail because the men that are on there use it wrong. My own bad experience had to do with someone lashing out at me in a faggy voice thinking I was plotting something. I told him I was plotting us as a couple and he said that is exactly what he was looking for but I told him we both know that is not going to happen. After I told him I thought he gave a good cuddle he was like "what the fuck is this?", "if you are plotting himself forget", and "he can't do this with me knowing what I know".

    I say what the fuck is this? So I quit my part-time job at Devry, a shitty for-profit college because they let some fat bitch lash out at me because she went to school there and they put her in charge when the boss isn't around with out my knowledge . I just tutor privately where I can make more money. I know the guy I had a bad experience with was regional manager of the Employment and Training Administration at the Department of Labor but come on. You really want to do the whole email / phone interview thing. He obviously found me attractive and found him attractive because I responded to his messages. Wouldn't he rather wake up with his penis in my mouth after a cuddle session than deal with all his shit?

    Anyhow those dating sites attract a certain type. Some are just women, looking for their more butch equivalent or trolls with too high of standards.
    That is why in my opinion those dating sites are an epic fail.
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    Mar 27, 2017 10:35 AM GMT
    laxwill10 said^^^ Agreed with Bachian above, these apps with gay guys on it are just another portals to meet guys But they have to agree to meet you.
    It's sort of the same thing in gay bars, if you don't feel someone, you can just walk away or ignore them. That would explain that many gay
    men end up going home solo at the end of the night. And sometimes, the music is too loud, you can't talk and have a normal conversation
    in clubs either. I think OP should just keep trying and maybe lower your standards a bit. Just a thought.


    Both gay clubs and dating sites are awful for finding a date or even just a friend. It is next to impossible to meet some one new at a gay club. You can find nothing but cliques in pretty much every gay bar. Just the way it is. It's just not the right setting. The loud music and drinks cloud judgments. Only good thing is if you had a bad day you can dance your ass off and get drunk at the club. May be get some eye candy. That's about it. One of the bars here had a speed dating event though. It's very rare.