Gay Domestic Violence

  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Feb 18, 2009 4:16 PM GMT
    Have you experience it? During all my relationship none of my bf ever been physically abusive to me (but I have suffer all kind of verbal abuse). But I personally have witness a couple who do. One of my ex house mate who was living in another room, one night come to my room and show a swollen leg, arm and punch mark on his chest. He was crying on my shoulder for some emotional support. He told me his bf have beaten him up and he was scare. He was call all kind of abusive name like pig, stupid , moron and etc.
    They finally split up after the violence guy throw him out and end the relationship. I have no idea why this fellow endure such an abusive relationship in the first place. But just like an battered wife, some gay men remain in a relationship despite it all because of love.

    Any comment.

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    Feb 18, 2009 4:20 PM GMT
    Once. One time. And that was IT!..........He cornered me, grabbed my shirt and started to punch me in the head and arms.

    I would have killed him.

    Got away and never turned back. Didn't want to listen to the "I'm sorry". I didn't stick around to see if it would happen again, even though he pleaded with me that it wouldn't.

    Who the fuck do these men think they are?
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 18, 2009 4:25 PM GMT
    Never have experienced or witnesses anything like this, but then I've only had one bf.

    I doubt if many would intimidate me physically and if someone tried to
    verbally abuse me, it would last about once. I wouldn't tolerate anything like that and certainly wouldn't hand it out to anyone else.
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    Feb 18, 2009 4:56 PM GMT
    "But just like an battered wife, some gay men remain in a relationship despite it all because of love. "

    A relationship where one of the partners abuses the other one is not a loving relationship. NO ifs, buts, or excuses.



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    Feb 18, 2009 6:56 PM GMT
    zakariahzol said Have you experience it?


    Hmmmm...

    icon_twisted.gif Well I've played out that hot little scene from "Mr and Mrs Smith" a couple of times...

    Exciting, fun, exhausting, exhilarating etc... and very hard on the house and furniture. I'm also certain neither of us thought of it as abuse.

    But there is no reason anyone should put up with real abuse.

    I agree with Lostboy "A relationship where one of the partners abuses the other one is not a loving relationship. NO ifs, buts, or excuses. "

    Rob
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    Feb 18, 2009 7:05 PM GMT
    It amazes me just how domestic violence spans the board from both gay and straight relationships. I have plenty of fiends of both sex who have experienced it, and oddly enough 90% of them stayed with the bastards. So I say if you don't want your spouse to leave you, just beat the crap out of em, they'll stay!
    As for me, first time anyone hits me is the last time.
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Feb 18, 2009 8:22 PM GMT
    Relationships are hard enough no reason to put up with that.
    Don't belive in it. NOthing is worth that. It goes back to my facination with the TV show Cops. It shows all of what you shouldn't do.
    S&M has rules and must be followed.
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    Feb 18, 2009 8:27 PM GMT
    jprichva saidUgly confession time.

    I have never hit a partner, but I came awfully close with the last one. He knew every button to push with me, and in the final few months I stopped responding to button-pushing, or anything else from him at all, and that drove him to greater lengths to try to get any kind of reaction from me.

    The last night we were together, he started physically pushing me--not hard, but just so I wouldn't ignore him--and I picked his entire body up and was about to throw him against a concrete wall, when I realized what I was doing. I put him down, went into the house (we were in the backyard) and got out of there the next day.


    I'm sorry to hear your story. There are people out there who know they are being mean to you....and egging you on.......and provoking you...and they do it in such a way as to maintain an appearance of not doing anything wrong....(we see them here on RJ too).

    Around YOU they may be very passively aggressive..........around others they are considered a saint.

    And everyone will think "What is YOUR problem?

    Stay away from people who do that...in every area of life.

    I was thrown in jail once for knocking a guy out. Afterwards, I realized he got me to react the way he wanted. He wanted to get me arrested. He did and said the nastiest things to me when nobody was looking.

    But to the police, and everyone who witnessed or heard about it, I was the monster.

    I learned my lesson. Never hit first, no matter what they say or do.



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    Feb 18, 2009 8:31 PM GMT
    I remember in days gone by domestic violence was not taken seriously in the gay community! Even if a homosexual went to the police, to report domestic violence, it was always fobbed off and not taken seriously.

    But.........The last time I was in a gay club. I seen advertising to counter act this culture in the gay community. I just though it's about time.

    But then as we see here, there are a number of gay men with anger management issues. The abuse I've received just for not having to same political view as another. All the verbal abuse. Anger management is a big issue in the gay community. I think because we have been able to do whatever we wanted for so long now.

    But I've been truly lucky with the few men I've dated. Never been an issue.
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    Feb 18, 2009 9:00 PM GMT
    My ex was very abusive. I knew it wasnt right however I put up with it. I made excuses for him and blamed meyself. Last time I saw him he punched me in the back of the head, pulled me down a flight of stairs outside at his apt complex, called me a whore in front of his mom, and ripped off my shirt. That was less then a week ago. Im getting a restraining order tomorrow.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Feb 18, 2009 9:08 PM GMT
    Abusive relationships are abusive relationships
    and it doesn't matter if they are str8 gay lesbian or anything else

    It is NEVER ok to physically touch ANYONE violently
    as someone said ... if it happens once
    you leave and you don't return until you are POSITIVE it will never happen again

    For an abusive relationship to continue
    you need two people
    Not that there is Ever an excuse for abuse
    but for someone to stay in this situation ... they need to take some responsibility
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    Feb 18, 2009 9:26 PM GMT
    jprichva saidHe knew every button to push with me...
    I hear you there. One ex was so exasperating, jealous from the get-go, and would get confrontational after a few drinks out with his fag hag. One night he got a little too physical in his confrontation and after being unable to bat him away I pinned him to the wall a foot or two off the ground. He shrieked bloody murder and drew the attention of the neighborhood and our landlady. Needless to say ours was not a happy relationship and ended soon after.
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    Feb 18, 2009 9:43 PM GMT
    ITJock said
    zakariahzol said Have you experience it?


    icon_twisted.gif Well I've played out that hot little scene from "Mr and Mrs Smith" a couple of times...

    Exciting, fun, exhausting, exhilarating etc... and very hard on the house and furniture. I'm also certain neither of us thought of it as abuse.

    But there is no reason anyone should put up with real abuse.

    I agree with Lostboy "A relationship where one of the partners abuses the other one is not a loving relationship. NO ifs, buts, or excuses. "

    Rob


    I agree with you. I could see myself getting into fights with my lover, but I could never abuse someone or stand for being abused.
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    Feb 18, 2009 9:48 PM GMT
    wow tko! Good for you. Document EVERYTHING! Written/Photos, ect. The more evidence you have the better you are.
    Contrary to what was said domestic violence in our community is still very much under reported and not taken that serious. The inchoherent feeling is how can another man allow himself to get in such a situation.
    It's up there with male rape.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Feb 18, 2009 9:54 PM GMT
    I dated a guy when I was younger who was quite a bit larger than me. At the time, I was about 135lbs (I'm 5'9') and he was about 6'2" - 6'3". One night I got out of work early and decided to surprise him by meeting him out where I knew he'd be drinks. He didn't like the surprise. He threw me against against a brick wall. I was on the ground, and as he came at me I came up with my first and got him in the nose. I don't know if I broke it, but it was bleeding and when I saw him again he had two black eyes. I was bruised pretty bad for days, and scraped up where I hit the bricks. I wouldn't speak to him after that, in person or on the phone.
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Feb 18, 2009 11:00 PM GMT
    Guys,

    Sure enough, we all agree that there no such things as abuse and violence
    relationship. But sometimes things is not as simple as that. Tina Turner when through years of physical and verbal abuse with Ike before she finally give up and walk out of the marriage. There is financial matter to consider especially when the other fellow is a provider, where I gonna go if I leave and of course some guys are so in love with their partner that the victim just cant leave. Some partner are so controlling that you are scare to leave (he can find me no matter where I go}

    Strangely as it sound, some victim will blame themselves for not being a "good lover enough" and probably feel themself deserve all this beating and humiliations.
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    Feb 19, 2009 2:58 AM GMT

    With me, the only hitting was concentual.
    However, If there ever was an incident, I think it would turn into a full fight. I'd never hit a girl, but I'd fight a guy, especially since most fights are so petty between couples. I'll be damned if someone's going to beat me for forgetting to pick up the dry cleaning. Domestic abuse usually starts with verbal abuse. I don't stand for negative vibes of any kind so if I were paired with such a man, I doubt we'd last long enough for him to graduate from calling me a pig. I think when it comes to domestic abuse, the key is having standards about what you'll tolerate and never waiver from what you come up with.
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    Feb 19, 2009 3:16 AM GMT
    Yep, experienced it once, he gave me some bruises. I moved out as fast as I could, ignored his apologies & pleas for us to get together again.

    Then when I found another guy, he tried to sabotage our relationship, even after we became partners. I no longer live there, where he continues to bad-mouth me and tries to undermine my reputation in that gay community.

    Beware of abusers; they are physically & emotionally dangerous on many levels, I think mentally unstable in some ways. But they also make it simple for us, if we aren't easily manipulated & weak.

    A guy touches me in anger, and it's an automatic decision on my part. No doubts, no hesitation, no allowances, no quandary, I simply walk. And so should you.
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    Feb 19, 2009 3:30 AM GMT
    HERE! HERE! VESPA! No amount of money or money or material entanglements could be a reason to stay! Nothing is worth an emotional or physical BEAT DOWN! I HIT BACK!
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    Feb 19, 2009 3:32 AM GMT
    A word from the BLOODLY wall from Amityville "GET OUT"!!!!!!!!!!!
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    Feb 19, 2009 3:53 AM GMT
    "Who said you could serve red wine with pasta primavera?"


    "You are such a whiner!"
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Feb 19, 2009 11:26 AM GMT
    TQ GG for posting "You are such a whiner". It was this clip that reminded me of that old housemate of mine incident and make me post this thread.
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    Feb 19, 2009 12:17 PM GMT
    Been there done that. I had an ex that beat me so bad a couple times that people thought I had been in an accident. One time he beat me a couple days before thanksgiving so I of course couldnt go home ( we lived out of state). He left me there all by myself to go to his parents house, what an asshole.

    He would beat me and then hide my keys so I couldnt leave. He had a drinking problem and was much stronger than I. My temper is so bad though I was always afraid to fight back for fear I would black out and kill him for real, so I always tried to get away from him.

    The 5th time he did it I beat him back, threw what what I could in my car and left, and never returned. Still to this day if I were to see him I would want to kill him for what he put me through and what I still have emotional scars from.

    People always ask me why I put up with it. People like this are so manipulative....after he would do this he would say he was sorry, never to do it again and treat me like gold. I was the center of his universe, I would get candlelit dinners and wild passionate sex, the whole works!.....until it happened again.

    Never believe ANYONE when they say it wont happen again...because it will.
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Feb 19, 2009 1:05 PM GMT
    Redbull said

    "People always ask me why I put up with it. People like this are so manipulative....after he would do this he would say he was sorry, never to do it again and treat me like gold. I was the center of his universe, I would get candlelit dinners and wild passionate sex, the whole works!.....until it happened again"




    TQ for sharing with us why victim of abusive relationship stay on. I for one , will melted inside if my ex bf ever come begging for forgiviness . It no matter how bad he treat me, (lying, cheating ) . I just love him so much I cant be angry with him. Of course , my ex never physically abuse me....I dont think I can handle that.

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    Feb 20, 2009 1:51 AM GMT
    redbull said


    Never believe ANYONE when they say it wont happen again...because it will.


    Thas right, allow Lesley to tell you what to do when they get to sayin sorry.