If you knew your friend's date/hookup is poz, would you tell him?

  • christastic

    Posts: 406

    May 06, 2017 8:24 PM GMT
    A friend asked me this yesterday - I was surprised that the question even needed to be asked.

    Thoughts?
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3986

    May 06, 2017 8:49 PM GMT
    i would ask if he knew his status
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    May 06, 2017 9:57 PM GMT
    [If] You Knew Your Friend's Date/Hookup Is Poz, Would You Tell Him?

    Yes. Posed as a question. And only if I had absolute evidence of that fact.

    Which is not easy to ascertain in many cases. I don't deal in gossip, that's rampant in the gay community.
  • christastic

    Posts: 406

    May 06, 2017 10:48 PM GMT
    Well let's eliminate the possible weasel answers and assume you asked him if he knew the guy's status, and he answers that the guy says he's neg. And of course, no one knows someone else's status for a fact unless they saw his test results, so all you have is hearsay from two or more people. It could very well be just gossip, but would you let your friend take a chance with someone who you think is lying about his status?

    In other words, what is the threshold of risk before one is willing to make himself look bad by "meddling". If the friend is known for practicing safe sex and treats all partners like they're poz anyway, would it affect your answer?
  • gymguy81

    Posts: 464

    May 07, 2017 12:19 PM GMT
    I would tell my friend to talk to that guy about status.
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    May 07, 2017 12:29 PM GMT
    The general answer is no except in special circumstances.
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    May 07, 2017 1:44 PM GMT
    Yes.
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    May 07, 2017 3:42 PM GMT
    Yes.
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    May 07, 2017 3:46 PM GMT
    christastic saidWell let's eliminate the possible weasel answers and assume you asked him if he knew the guy's status, and he answers that the guy says he's neg. And of course, no one knows someone else's status for a fact unless they saw his test results, so all you have is hearsay from two or more people. It could very well be just gossip, but would you let your friend take a chance with someone who you think is lying about his status?

    In other words, what is the threshold of risk before one is willing to make himself look bad by "meddling". If the friend is known for practicing safe sex and treats all partners like they're poz anyway, would it affect your answer?


    As a general do not intervene. You could bring up the subject and try to ascertain if their is some reason to be concerned. If the Poz guy is known as Poz because he is a friend, option is to speak to him independently and to remind him of relavent disclosure laws after ascertaining his current treatment and general attitude toward the sexual health of his partners. I actually have applied subtle pressure to a Poz friend who didn't disclose to someone we both knew. I was put in the position of being asked and my response was to not ask me to ask him direct. He responded by saying that must mean he is Poz then.

    The Poz guy did call him and was honest, stated he could prove he was undetectable at that time ect. I was surprised my HIV neg friend didn't insist on condom use as he is the most adamant about it. He claimed he didn't know he hadn't put one on. I had introduced them so I felt bad mainly as I know that my Poz friend does BB almost always unless the bottom insists. He has his status on most of his profiles online so he figures he has declared.

    Poz guys need to stop BB sex with neg guys if they want to reduce stigma. In NSW using a condom correctly is a defence against police ever taking on a case regarding non disclosure (my assessment) and of course there has to have been an infection which they can RNA test anyway
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    May 07, 2017 3:50 PM GMT
    Depends on how i knew, i suppose...

    I try not to get too involved in other folks' sex lives. But if i had cold hard facts, not just club rumors, and i sensed that there was an issue putting my friend in danger, i'd find a way to bring it up...
  • k15thelement

    Posts: 465

    May 07, 2017 3:58 PM GMT
    Hell yeah. I gotta look out for my bro. At the end of the day, it's his decision on how to succeed but at least I tried.
  • FitBlackCuddl...

    Posts: 853

    May 07, 2017 4:24 PM GMT
    Yes, I'd warn the friend
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4913

    May 07, 2017 7:37 PM GMT
    Yes. I have no major fear of pos persons if the sex is handled properly but that requires knowledge. You should mention that you know he's positive without being judgmental. Just friendly advice to stay safe, he's positive, you know.... I actually buy into the argument that pos undetectable guys can be safer than someone who doesn't bother to check or know for sure. You should always be a good friend but that doesn't mean you have to be a dick about the other guy just because he's pos. That said, if the guy is lying about his status, he's dangerous, if even because of his insecurity. Partner's have a right to know.
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    May 07, 2017 10:44 PM GMT
    Liberal: no, and disclosing your status and criminalizing HIV spreading is inhumane and unjust
    Conservative: yes, as transparency and stigma towards a potentially deadly virus helps save lives
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    May 07, 2017 11:42 PM GMT
    art_deco said[If] You Knew Your Friend's Date/Hookup Is Poz, Would You Tell Him?
    I don't deal in gossip, that's rampant in the gay community.

    Giggles, just spat out my morning coffee.....
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    May 08, 2017 6:34 PM GMT
    k15thelement saidHell yeah. I gotta look out for my bro. At the end of the day, it's his decision on how to succeed but at least I tried.


    Exactly. Especially if he asked too. You don't want to lie to him.
  • craycraydoesd...

    Posts: 841

    May 31, 2017 5:19 AM GMT
    Obviously the correct answer is to tell your friend, but don't present hearsay as fact. Tell him "I heard he's poz, but you should check with him to be sure". Even if your friend never asked you. Unless your friend is really into barebacking, chances are given the unknowns he will rather just have safe sex instead of having that awkward conversation.
  • texas7t

    Posts: 43

    Jun 03, 2017 11:56 PM GMT
    yes.. what kind of friend are you if you don't.... even though its the other guys place,,, you have to watch each others back..
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    Jun 04, 2017 12:07 AM GMT
    If your friend has unsafe/unprotected sex with dates and hookups would it matter? He may well already be positive by now. If he only has safe and protected sex then what would be the need to tell him? If you have unsafe/unprotected sex with a date or hookup because they told you that they're negative, you're an idiot.
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    Jun 05, 2017 11:58 PM GMT
    TO23 saidLiberal: no, and disclosing your status and criminalizing HIV spreading is inhumane and unjust
    Conservative: yes, as transparency and stigma towards a potentially deadly virus helps save lives


    It said FRIEND moron icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Ubeaut

    Posts: 224

    Aug 26, 2017 12:19 AM GMT
    I'm assuming my hypothetical friend is adult. As such they are quite capable of having their own conversations about safer sex and HIV status without me interfering.

    The OP doesn't even consider that his friend might already be living with HIV.

    Certainly I wouldn't be in a hurry to disclose to someone who meddles in other people's relationships and is a gossip.
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    Aug 26, 2017 3:25 PM GMT
    Lumpyoatmeal saidIf your friend has unsafe/unprotected sex with dates and hookups would it matter? He may well already be positive by now. If he only has safe and protected sex then what would be the need to tell him? If you have unsafe/unprotected sex with a date or hookup because they told you that they're negative, you're an idiot.


    Agree lumpy and that goes for UVL too until you have proof.
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    Aug 26, 2017 7:25 PM GMT
    Sydneyrugbyjock73 said
    Lumpyoatmeal saidIf your friend has unsafe/unprotected sex with dates and hookups would it matter? He may well already be positive by now. If he only has safe and protected sex then what would be the need to tell him? If you have unsafe/unprotected sex with a date or hookup because they told you that they're negative, you're an idiot.

    Agree lumpy and that goes for UVL too until you have proof.

    I need to start posting more big dick pictures; having Sidneyrugbyjock73 agreeing with me is rather unsettling.   icon_lol.gif
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    Aug 27, 2017 10:00 AM GMT
    Destinharbor saidYes. I have no major fear of pos persons if the sex is handled properly but that requires knowledge. You should mention that you know he's positive without being judgmental. Just friendly advice to stay safe, he's positive, you know.... I actually buy into the argument that pos undetectable guys can be safer than someone who doesn't bother to check or know for sure. You should always be a good friend but that doesn't mean you have to be a dick about the other guy just because he's pos. That said, if the guy is lying about his status, he's dangerous, if even because of his insecurity. Partner's have a right to know.


    Agree with all of what you said Destinharbor
  • Pyrotard

    Posts: 43

    Oct 22, 2017 4:48 AM GMT
    I'd check with the poz guy first, asking if he's disclosed or plans to do so. If not, I'd tell my friend.