Working out with your BF

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 15, 2017 9:43 PM GMT
    So I have been single since January and I've started working out February. Down 21 lbs so far. I started dating someone last month, and I see that I'm not as focused on my routine and workouts as I use to have been. I've raised concerns about this to him about how I'm losing track of my goals, and not losing as much weight as I did because of our diet and eating habits. He expressed that he wants to workout with me, and wants to do this journey with me. But I'm afraid that if we start this it will pull us apart because I am very serious about my working out and dieting. I'm not sure he'd take it as serious and I'd lose out on being with a awesome guy. I'm stuck and don't know what to do. Any advice would help.
  • Element1313

    Posts: 152

    Jun 16, 2017 2:50 PM GMT
    It you can't share stuff with him then move on and find someone you can share with .
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4913

    Jun 16, 2017 4:39 PM GMT
    My partner and I went through some of that. We go to the gym together but don't work out together except to spot for each other mostly on chest day. But even then it is only on bench/bar lifts, not dumbbell or fly work. And aren't usually even working the same stuff the same day. But we do keep track of each other and spot when asked. And we try to finish together. If one finishes first, the other just gets on a bike or treadmill until the other is done and we shower and dress together so it isn't like we're not there together or in touch with the other but we rarely speak in the gym because I like to concentrate and time my intervals. When we started this pattern, my guy got his feelings hurt a bit that I didn't want to do it all together but he got over it and now takes his workout more seriously than he did and is fine with it. Just explain the rationale of your thinking. He'll get it if you talk about it.

    As to food, I cook 95% of the time for dinner and we don't try to coordinate lunch. So dinner is healthy and sometimes I cheat at lunch and he doesn't or vice/versa. Breakfast we don't coordinate at all. Right now I'm good with my weight range (15% body fat at my age is lean) but he wants to lose 5-10 lbs so he's on a more strict breakfast/lunch than I am. Sometimes it is the other way around.

    You can work through these issues. We have and consider our joint health something we do together. It bonds us even further.
  • bro4bro

    Posts: 2100

    Jun 16, 2017 5:58 PM GMT
    You say you're "very serious" about working out and dieting, but after dating a guy for only a month you're already not as focused and losing track of your goals?

    Hmm.

    You seem to blame him for your decline but you don't want him to work out with you either because you don't think he'd be "as serious" as you?

    Hmmmm.

    You might not be ready for another relationship.

    If you don't want a workout partner, that's fine - I've always preferred to work out on my own. But if you're truly serious about being in shape then it's simple enough to establish a daily workout schedule, and eat healthy - he doesn't order for you in a restaurant, does he? And if you're truly serious about having a boyfriend then you'd better be able to communicate this openly and honestly.

    From your post, however, the pattern I'm seeing is a common one - you work hard to get in shape when you're single but the minute you're in a comfortable relationship you let it slide. The incentive for working out is to attract a guy, and once you've snagged one, you're done.

    Find a way to change this, or find a way to live with it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 16, 2017 6:02 PM GMT
    Destinharbor said
    My partner and I went through some of that. We go to the gym together but don't work out together except to spot for each other mostly on chest day. But even then it is only on bench/bar lifts, not dumbbell or fly work. And aren't usually even working the same stuff the same day. But we do keep track of each other and spot when asked. And we try to finish together. If one finishes first, the other just gets on a bike or treadmill until the other is done and we shower and dress together so it isn't like we're not there together or in touch with the other but we rarely speak in the gym because I like to concentrate and time my intervals. When we started this pattern, my guy got his feelings hurt a bit that I didn't want to do it all together but he got over it and now takes his workout more seriously than he did and is fine with it. Just explain the rationale of your thinking. He'll get it if you talk about it.

    As to food, I cook 95% of the time for dinner and we don't try to coordinate lunch. So dinner is healthy and sometimes I cheat at lunch and he doesn't or vice/versa. Breakfast we don't coordinate at all. Right now I'm good with my weight range (15% body fat at my age is lean) but he wants to lose 5-10 lbs so he's on a more strict breakfast/lunch than I am. Sometimes it is the other way around.

    You can work through these issues. We have and consider our joint health something we do together. It bonds us even further.

    Sounds like a good relationship. I've been less fortunate with most of mine regarding exercise. Cooking is a happier story.

    One BF was a gym rat. And when I tried to join him he mocked me. Even though I was still in pretty good shape, although not the muscle guy he was. But then he was 11 years younger than me.

    And it infuriated him when people thought we were the same age, or him even older. No one ever guessed I was the much older one. I think jealousy was driving his attitude.

    Another BF was also into gyms. We went together, as a convenience. But once there we did our own thing, hardly saw each other in a large place. Afterwards back in the locker room was nicer. In the gang shower together, and the sauna.

    My present partner doesn't do gyms. i think it's good when you can be there together. Even if doing separate things. I envy you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 17, 2017 1:16 AM GMT
    Going off the rails a bit here but...

    Remember that Bravo series with the blonde lesbian Beverly Hills gym owner, "Jackie Warner Workout?"

    The OTHER somewhat less butch blonde gay trainer Doug Blasdell had an ex partner of 15 years (Cheo, who like Cher seemed to have no last name).

    There was a scene of these two buff exes training together, with one of them mentioning that they rarely trained together when they were in a relationship (I think for the same reason some people who are in relationships can't WORK together).

    Oddly, one of their last scenes together was training together as friends on the show. Shortly after, Doug (EXACTLY my age then) died suddenly and unexpectedly of complications related to an illness (an illness almost EXACTLY like what I had at the time) - these coincidences struck so close to home that I never forgot them. (Well, except for the muscular blonde and latino part. That didn't apply in my case.)

    But I couldn't relate to the working out part. No way would my partner ever want to work out.

    Still, I say try it like Doug and Cheo. If it doesn't work out (pun intended), what could happen? You could die?

    Seriously, I'd suggest trying to go to the gym together but training separately for a week FIRST with one waiting for the other after at the juice bar or whatever to see if you could both commit to the same schedule.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 17, 2017 2:09 AM GMT
    We don't work out together... mainly because we have different workouts.

    I run... generally in the mornings... sometimes after work. If I'm not running after work it's because I'm playing on one of my sport leagues. I lift some, but mostly just a little bit of kettleball work at home.

    He's a gym rat. He lifts and gets his sweat on in a gym. his cardio is all on machines.

    I'm gone with him to his gym... wasn't bad but I prefer being outside. He's joined me on runs, but prefers to be able to "zone out" on the treadmill and not have to worry about traffic or other people. he's helped me with my kettleball work at home, though.

    We appreciate each other's methods and efforts, and we sometimes think the time apart makes us treasure our time together all the more.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 17, 2017 8:33 AM GMT
    What is the point having a boyfriend if you can't share and love? Argh!

    If you care about him then you'll need to explain to him how you feel about your diet and working out. Maybe you two better off working out alone or some part you can workout together?

    Seriously, don't be a sissy when it comes to that. Work it out together!

    ...and all the gay men out there, it is not always about you. Stop it! I don't need to hear your story!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 17, 2017 8:38 PM GMT
    JonSpringon saidWe appreciate each other's methods and efforts, and we sometimes think the time apart makes us treasure our time together all the more.


    Quoting Nietzsche:

    If we live together with another person too closely, what happens is similar to when we repeatedly handle a good engraving with our bare hands: one day all we have left is a piece of dirty paper. The soul of a human being too can finally become tattered by being handled continually; and that is how it finally appears to us--we never see the beauty of its original design again.
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    Jun 17, 2017 8:47 PM GMT
    OP is too much of a newbie for bodybuilding to become truly entrenched in his lifestyle, not to mention having a dramatic impact not only on his looks but also on who he attracts. I wonder if this would even be a question if OP's date was objecting against the very lifestyle that made OP attractive to him in the first place.
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    Jun 18, 2017 3:34 AM GMT
    Element1313 saidIt you can't share stuff with him then move on and find someone you can share with .



    Thinking that you must (or should) share all activities with your partner has killed many relationships. People need their own set of hobbies and own friends that are NOT shared with their partner. They also need friends and activities that they do share, but once you start doing everything together, you start to lose your individuality.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 18, 2017 3:12 PM GMT
    save the working out together for the bedroom! grrrr......
  • Derrick_Rigg

    Posts: 68

    Aug 01, 2017 12:39 PM GMT
    Met my bf and future husband in gym at 26 and he was 41. Both of us were into bodybuilding. We never had any problems in working out together because we came from sports backgrounds and we gave and took.

    He passed at 53 from a heart attack. I miss him every day.

    To this day, I can't find a workout partner that syncs up with me.