Feelings of guilt?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 19, 2009 11:49 PM GMT
    I just need some insight or advice on something I've been experiencing lately. I've fairly recently accepted that I am gay. I'm perfectly fine with it for the most part, but every now and then I'll get this feeling of guilt. I'll feel like being attracted to guys is wrong. It's similar to that feeling I remember getting when I was little and I was doing something I knew I would get in trouble for.

    So my question is: Is this normal? Has anyone else ever felt like this? If so, what did you do about it?
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    Feb 20, 2009 12:05 AM GMT
    That cricket sound is just because the lecherous betches on here have never experienced a pang of guilt.

    Kidding.
    Just kidding.

    Guilt?
    Wondering if you're a deviant?
    Totally normal - esp if you had a Sunday school upbringing.

    Take solace in the fact that you'll almost never have to endure the terror of a late period.
    ;-)
  • puttputt

    Posts: 254

    Feb 20, 2009 12:23 AM GMT
    It's natural to feel guilty or any other negative emotion if you grew up associating being gay with negative consequences. Although you've tried to extinguish those associations, sometimes these things will randomly creep back up. In the psychological literature, this is called spontaneous recovery and is perfectly normal.

    Pavlov's insight into the nature of extinction tells us that, in your case, it's not enough to dissociate being gay with bad things; you also need to start forming new associations of being gay with good things. These new positive associations will make it more difficult for those old negative feelings to re-emerge.
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    Feb 20, 2009 12:45 AM GMT
    retx09 saidI'll feel like being attracted to guys is wrong. It's similar to that feeling I remember getting when I was little and I was doing something I knew I would get in trouble for.

    I came out very late. And until that time I thought being gay was really wrong & sick, like society had taught me, like the US Army had told me for 25 years.

    And then I finally realized I was gay myself, despite what I might have wished. So ya know what I did? I simply reversed the cause & effect argument.

    I KNEW that I was a good & decent person. That fact wasn't changed by my being gay or straight. The strength of my conviction was the constant of knowing I wasn't evil, and could never be evil, despite what other people said or thought about homosexuality. If there was as a variable, it was their belief systems, not what I knew myself to be.

    Therefore, if I was gay, and a good person, then being gay couldn't be wrong or bad. The assumptions I had been taught must have been in error.

    And so what are you? Are you good or bad? Not a question based on what others tell you, but what you believe in your heart about yourself.

    And if you believe yourself to be good, and you are gay, then cannot being gay also be good? Logically, can gay ever be intrinsically bad?

    Sorry for the Sophistic simplicity of this argument, but I really wonder if it needs to be more difficult than this. And the reality of my experience since reaching this conclusion hasn't changed my view.

    Gay or straight, humans are blessed creatures. To assign guilt to them based on one genetically-determined sexual orientation versus another is false and insupportable. And if I ever hear you using the "guilt" word again I will hunt you down and paddle your behind! LMAO!!!
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    Feb 20, 2009 1:07 AM GMT
    The animal trainer in me is 100% with Vlas on this one: the more positive associations you can make with being gay, the easier it will be to crowd out any feelings of guilt. In my case, I find that the more I connect with gay men whom I respect and enjoy being around, the more at ease I have become in my own skin.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Feb 20, 2009 1:11 AM GMT
    Agree with the above. I have gone through what you have, and there are times I still battle a lingering thought. I'm just glad I'm not religious. But you've got to tell yourself being gay IS normal. Culture is predominantly heterosexual, and therefore heterosexIST. But just because you don't have a wife and kids doesn't mean you are wrong or bad. There is nothing wrong with you.

    (Besides, you're on my Hotlist, there can't be anything wrong with you...)
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    Feb 20, 2009 1:20 AM GMT
    Yes, a long time ago.

    But after you accept it to yourself and come out to the first person in real life and he/she accepts you for who you are it goes away.

    It's probably the way your parents raised you or the social environment you grew up in that makes you feel this way. Just be reassured that there is nothing wrong with being gay at all. Heh
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    Feb 20, 2009 2:52 AM GMT
    I had the polar opposite experience: I came out at 14. I have an aunt who is gay; I was taught very early that some people are in relationships with people of the same sex and that's just how it is. My parents taught me these things and I had a very pro-gay environment from family and their friends. The difference is, I never met any gay males - that's when the trouble began. My 'feeling great about being gay' changed almost overnight.

    Coming out - as I did when I was 14 - was an incredibly powerful statement that being different is okay. Differences are a good thing, and no matter who you are, you are a human being with feelings and deserve respect and compassion. Ironically, when I went to cities with large gay populations I never found a gay male community who held any of these beliefs. Everyone dressed the same. Everyone wanted to appear affluent and well-spoken. Everyone strived to look perfect and have perfect hair, teeth, and skin. It ended up being more constricting and discriminatory than the very people I had waited to get away from: the straight kids in high school. The young gay men were even more judgmental, rude, backstabbing, and I think my high school girls' basketball team had more masculinity and testosterone than all of the gay men I've met in my lifetime. To make a long story short, a huge disappointment. Because I was the one for years who challenged peoples' beliefs of typical gay stereotypes. Only to discover that many of those stereotypes were pretty much true. I had 15 years of life experience to be convinced.

    Guilt. I felt guilty for giving up and walking away from gay men because I was so disappointed and in many ways angry because I felt as if I had been lied to and manipulated when I first came out. None of what I was told turned out to be true. Maybe in fantasy or made-for-tv gay shows, but not real world stuff.
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    Feb 20, 2009 3:03 AM GMT




    Nah, never felt guilty, and I had *shudders* Catholic guilt drilled into me as a kid.
    How could I feel guilty about something so completely out of my control?

    "I'm tall and it's all my fault." heheh


    -Doug

    PS to find out how useless the guilt is, try NOT being attracted to guys..........5...6...7...8...9...10........see, I knew ya couldn't do it...
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    Feb 20, 2009 3:04 AM GMT
    This totally reminds me of hearing "don't get your hopes up" about anything I would emphatically shout as a child.

    Screw that logic. Enjoy getting your hopes up. You deserve to be happy.
  • upsguy68

    Posts: 270

    Feb 20, 2009 3:10 AM GMT
    Check out www.gaychristian.net. Especially read The Great Debate on their website.
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    Feb 20, 2009 3:10 AM GMT
    nothin to be ashamed of fellow san antonian, i think its just the whole idea of being new and u just need to feel it out a bit and get comfortable with urself. hope u feel better icon_smile.gif

    M
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    Feb 20, 2009 3:15 AM GMT
    If you've been programmed via indoctrination from a very young age into false belief systems that being gay is wrong, sinful, abhorrent, or the like, ditching those false belief systems can be difficult.

    I've seen many a person that is self-loathing / guilt-laden until they ditch the false belief systems.

    Gay, bi, hetro, are all natural occurrences in nature. Any one that tells you otherwise is ignorant of fact. There is much science in nature that supports this view beyond any preponderance of doubt. No matter what false belief systems say, facts are facts.

    Set aside those false beliefs, and move towards truth-based systems. It will serve you well. You only feel guilty because you've been indoctrinated / brainwashed in a certain way. Let those false beliefs go.

    Come to like yourself, and the rest will follow.
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    Feb 20, 2009 3:15 AM GMT
    additional note **when i first started coming too about who i was (when i basicly started college) i felt the same, but it helped to hang out with sum really cool people who were open bout their sexuality and talk about shizz. lifes too short to feel guilt

    M
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    Feb 20, 2009 6:41 AM GMT
    BradySF saidThis totally reminds me of hearing "don't get your hopes up" about anything I would emphatically shout as a child.

    Screw that logic. Enjoy getting your hopes up. You deserve to be happy.


    bravo. amen! (finger snaps)
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    Feb 20, 2009 6:44 AM GMT
    retx09 saidI just need some insight or advice on something I've been experiencing lately. I've fairly recently accepted that I am gay. I'm perfectly fine with it for the most part, but every now and then I'll get this feeling of guilt. I'll feel like being attracted to guys is wrong. It's similar to that feeling I remember getting when I was little and I was doing something I knew I would get in trouble for.

    So my question is: Is this normal? Has anyone else ever felt like this? If so, what did you do about it?


    Been there, done that. It's totally normal, you'll get over it. Key thing is to "be ok" with it icon_wink.gif
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    Feb 20, 2009 1:58 PM GMT
    I also felt like that...but as time passes it becomes easier/normal.... Just remember you're not the only one in the world that is attracted to the same sex. Doing what comes naturally is just being honest.
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    Feb 20, 2009 6:29 PM GMT
    I think getting out there and realizing despite what some clergy may say, God made you the way you are, so there is nothing to really feel guilty about. Did you ever consciously make the decision to prefer men over women? or even to find men sexually attractive. That would be like feeling guilty for having arms