Sane relationship possible?

  • IrishIn585

    Posts: 9

    Jul 28, 2017 11:51 PM GMT
    I'm pretty new to really being with guys and being okay with it. Had to get some counseling. But now that I am, I think I might actually want a relationship. Thing is, I don't want a storybook thing. I just want to meet a guy and see if we are into each other, like each other, get along, and then talk about what each of us wants and decide if we want to build something together. I don't know what it would look like, and tbh, I really just want the dude to say what he wants, hear what I want, and we figure it out together. Don't know if it means open or closed, fwb or up to marriage. No idea. It doesn't seem as easy as it does for straight people. My question is, do other guys want this kind of thing or is it crazy? I mean, I think I just want to figure it out with a man, and if we get together and decide to change the commitment or want out, we talk about that too. Clear, responsible, direct. I don't need perfect safety or Prince Charming. I'd simply like honesty and responsibility. There's nothing wrong with being adults about stuff, and I don't think there's anything wrong if things change and our feelings change. Or maybe there's some other way to build something with another guy? Kinda lost here.
    Thanks guys.
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    Jul 29, 2017 7:12 AM GMT
    My husband & I, live normal/regular lives out in the burbs , of this truly livable City Melbourne, Australia.
    Albeit we are both Bona Fide Homosexuals, our sexuality doesn't define us as a whole.
    Neither of us do gay pubs or clubs, and we eat out in the general community, and not some gay ghetto.
  • Happenis

    Posts: 386

    Jul 29, 2017 4:26 PM GMT
    IrishIn585 saidI'm pretty new to really being with guys and being okay with it. Had to get some counseling. But now that I am, I think I might actually want a relationship. Thing is, I don't want a storybook thing. I just want to meet a guy and see if we are into each other, like each other, get along, and then talk about what each of us wants and decide if we want to build something together. I don't know what it would look like, and tbh, I really just want the dude to say what he wants, hear what I want, and we figure it out together. Don't know if it means open or closed, fwb or up to marriage. No idea. It doesn't seem as easy as it does for straight people. My question is, do other guys want this kind of thing or is it crazy? I mean, I think I just want to figure it out with a man, and if we get together and decide to change the commitment or want out, we talk about that too. Clear, responsible, direct. I don't need perfect safety or Prince Charming. I'd simply like honesty and responsibility. There's nothing wrong with being adults about stuff, and I don't think there's anything wrong if things change and our feelings change. Or maybe there's some other way to build something with another guy? Kinda lost here.
    Thanks guys.


    I love how level-headed you are. You are definitely approaching it very healthy.

    However, make sure not be too passive or else you may be seen as emotionally unavailable. Having at least SOME passion in the relationship goes along way.
  • IrishIn585

    Posts: 9

    Jul 30, 2017 5:39 PM GMT
    Happenis said: I love how level-headed you are. You are definitely approaching it very healthy.

    However, make sure not be too passive or else you may be seen as emotionally unavailable. Having at least SOME passion in the relationship goes along way.

    Thanks, guy. That was very helpful. I didn't realize that too much passivity could be interpreted as being aloof, uninterested, or unavailable, but it makes sense, so thanks!
  • jhywalker

    Posts: 14

    Aug 24, 2017 11:27 PM GMT
    That's how I felt as well, just like you said, but people now a days like to be always in control of their feelings.
    Just so you understand a little of where I wanna get to, I will tell you a little about me:

    I'm 30 years old who wants a truly in love relationship, monogamous, family, kids, a house... I have strong values and principles: Kindness, respect & compassion. I value honesty, trust, loyalty and fidelity.

    I started a relationship with my ex because we wanted the same things, after 3 months dating we decided to live together and be in a relationship, because we wanted a family. After 6 months he approached me and said that he could not be in a monogamous relationship and wanted it open, me I was in love, deep, a dream came true, finally found the one. I didn't want it but as an adult you validate his feelings and makes a decision to work on it or leave, so we opened it. I was going insane jealous, and my skin would just crawl to think of someone else touching, kissing him and verse versa, but I didn't show it, but some how it only started pushing me away from him, because that's just not what I wanted and needed. So lies started, deceiving stated, he started to be disrespectful, no compassion and on and on... I figured he didn't want the relationship anymore and I also started feeling disgusted with all that he was doing to me. I decided to break up, but it hitted him so hard, he was depressed, and so was I, but I think it was for a greater good because he wanted and open relationship and I did not and it was not making me feel well, about myself, him nor the relationship, when I talked to him he said this was the kind of relationship he wanted and would not change back to monogamy.

    One thing that I learned from myself after this is that, I am some one who have some morals and principals that some people don't, but now a days all I hear is that "oh sex is the new gay handshake".... SHOKED... I'm sorry but it is sooooooo not! People have feelings towards another person.

    I don't know, this is how I feel, but I'm very sad to see our community so promiscuous and not wanting anything with anyone. And those who doesn't follow these standards are seen as "strange", or "close minded". I truly don't think this is close minded is it?!

    I don't know.... what do you guys think?
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4884

    Aug 25, 2017 3:53 PM GMT
    I'm not sure why you think any of this is unusual. What you describe is exactly how most gay adults get together. Or at least those looking for love. But you're so clinical in how you approach it. Today is the tenth anniversary of when I met my guy. We've been committed to each other almost since the first week we met and we've been living together as a couple for over eight years. We're wildly different in many ways but very similar in temperament, morals and values. We are very happy together. But to be honest, our meeting was really just a sex date. I never would have expected to fall in love and live my life with this guy. I was horny. So was he. I still am. So is he. I tell ya, lust is undervalued. There have been many a time when sex smoothed over a rough spot. Your "counseling" is showing. Let up a bit and let human emotions into the mix. You're analyzing the unanalyzable. Love is fun, not a contract. Let yourself drown in it.
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    Aug 25, 2017 7:58 PM GMT
    jhywalker saidThat's how I felt as well, just like you said, but people now a days like to be always in control of their feelings.
    Just so you understand a little of where I wanna get to, I will tell you a little about me:

    I'm 30 years old who wants a truly in love relationship, monogamous, family, kids, a house... I have strong values and principles: Kindness, respect & compassion. I value honesty, trust, loyalty and fidelity.

    I started a relationship with my ex because we wanted the same things, after 3 months dating we decided to live together and be in a relationship, because we wanted a family. After 6 months he approached me and said that he could not be in a monogamous relationship and wanted it open, me I was in love, deep, a dream came true, finally found the one. I didn't want it but as an adult you validate his feelings and makes a decision to work on it or leave, so we opened it. I was going insane jealous, and my skin would just crawl to think of someone else touching, kissing him and verse versa, but I didn't show it, but some how it only started pushing me away from him, because that's just not what I wanted and needed. So lies started, deceiving stated, he started to be disrespectful, no compassion and on and on... I figured he didn't want the relationship anymore and I also started feeling disgusted with all that he was doing to me. I decided to break up, but it hitted him so hard, he was depressed, and so was I, but I think it was for a greater good because he wanted and open relationship and I did not and it was not making me feel well, about myself, him nor the relationship, when I talked to him he said this was the kind of relationship he wanted and would not change back to monogamy.

    One thing that I learned from myself after this is that, I am some one who have some morals and principals that some people don't, but now a days all I hear is that "oh sex is the new gay handshake".... SHOKED... I'm sorry but it is sooooooo not! People have feelings towards another person.

    I don't know, this is how I feel, but I'm very sad to see our community so promiscuous and not wanting anything with anyone. And those who doesn't follow these standards are seen as "strange", or "close minded". I truly don't think this is close minded is it?!

    I don't know.... what do you guys think?


    What do I think? Up until your post, I thought I was the only person who thought this way. Previously, I'd jump in the sack with any hot guy who garnered my attention in the (foolish) hope that he'd be interested in being my BF..

    ..No Longer..

    Now, nobody gets my goodies (unless I initiate it:-) ), until the third date...haven't gotten any takers yet, and I'm "Ok" with that.
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    Aug 31, 2017 12:56 PM GMT
    livstud2001 said
    jhywalker saidThat's how I felt as well, just like you said, but people now a days like to be always in control of their feelings.
    Just so you understand a little of where I wanna get to, I will tell you a little about me:

    I'm 30 years old who wants a truly in love relationship, monogamous, family, kids, a house... I have strong values and principles: Kindness, respect & compassion. I value honesty, trust, loyalty and fidelity.

    I started a relationship with my ex because we wanted the same things, after 3 months dating we decided to live together and be in a relationship, because we wanted a family. After 6 months he approached me and said that he could not be in a monogamous relationship and wanted it open, me I was in love, deep, a dream came true, finally found the one. I didn't want it but as an adult you validate his feelings and makes a decision to work on it or leave, so we opened it. I was going insane jealous, and my skin would just crawl to think of someone else touching, kissing him and verse versa, but I didn't show it, but some how it only started pushing me away from him, because that's just not what I wanted and needed. So lies started, deceiving stated, he started to be disrespectful, no compassion and on and on... I figured he didn't want the relationship anymore and I also started feeling disgusted with all that he was doing to me. I decided to break up, but it hitted him so hard, he was depressed, and so was I, but I think it was for a greater good because he wanted and open relationship and I did not and it was not making me feel well, about myself, him nor the relationship, when I talked to him he said this was the kind of relationship he wanted and would not change back to monogamy.

    One thing that I learned from myself after this is that, I am some one who have some morals and principals that some people don't, but now a days all I hear is that "oh sex is the new gay handshake".... SHOKED... I'm sorry but it is sooooooo not! People have feelings towards another person.

    I don't know, this is how I feel, but I'm very sad to see our community so promiscuous and not wanting anything with anyone. And those who doesn't follow these standards are seen as "strange", or "close minded". I truly don't think this is close minded is it?!

    I don't know.... what do you guys think?


    What do I think? Up until your post, I thought I was the only person who thought this way. Previously, I'd jump in the sack with any hot guy who garnered my attention in the (foolish) hope that he'd be interested in being my BF..

    ..No Longer..

    Now, nobody gets my goodies (unless I initiate it:-) ), until the third date...haven't gotten any takers yet, and I'm "Ok" with that.


    It's the age thing. When I was 19, I would be interested in any Tom, Dick and Harry that would show even an iota of kindness and intelligence. I suppose I had poor self esteem then which comes with being at a tender age of inexperience coupled with the burden of being something that's unlike other straight boys and that made me vulnerable to flattery.
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    Aug 31, 2017 1:29 PM GMT
    As for the OP,

    Keep living your life. Continue to do what you do for living and keep busy with your hobbies. Keep meeting people, if you are out to others, that would help you. Some people are willing to be cupid and introduce you to potential love-interests but it doesn't happen much for gays so you would be better off without expectations there. Get online to date. Find sources that are popular in your region. Create a profile that is detailed and to the point but not overly busy. In your profile, focus on what you love, whom would you like to date and refrain from negativity such as "I am not into blah blah", "I hate people who are". Have an open mind and keep patience. If you struggle, don't blame yourself. It is part of the dating process and you won't be alone to feel that way. Things may happen or may not. There are no guarantees here so carry on your life with hope and perseverance that someone nice will enter your life one day and willing to settle down, with you.
  • IrishIn585

    Posts: 9

    Aug 31, 2017 5:01 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidI'm not sure why you think any of this is unusual. What you describe is exactly how most gay adults get together. Or at least those looking for love. But you're so clinical in how you approach it. Today is the tenth anniversary of when I met my guy. We've been committed to each other almost since the first week we met and we've been living together as a couple for over eight years. We're wildly different in many ways but very similar in temperament, morals and values. We are very happy together. But to be honest, our meeting was really just a sex date. I never would have expected to fall in love and live my life with this guy. I was horny. So was he. I still am. So is he. I tell ya, lust is undervalued. There have been many a time when sex smoothed over a rough spot. Your "counseling" is showing. Let up a bit and let human emotions into the mix. You're analyzing the unanalyzable. Love is fun, not a contract. Let yourself drown in it. [/q[quote][cite]QUOTE AUTHOR GOES HERE[/cite]QUOTE GOES HERE
    uote]
    Thank you so much! You have given me a lot of hope. I thought I might be approaching this in a weird way or something. So thank you. And best wishes to you and your fella. Peace
  • IrishIn585

    Posts: 9

    Aug 31, 2017 5:05 PM GMT
    ricky1987 saidAs for the OP,

    Keep living your life. Continue to do what you do for living and keep busy with your hobbies. Keep meeting people, if you are out to others, that would help you. Some people are willing to be cupid and introduce you to potential love-interests but it doesn't happen much for gays so you would be better off without expectations there. Get online to date. Find sources that are popular in your region. Create a profile that is detailed and to the point but not overly busy. In your profile, focus on what you love, whom would you like to date and refrain from negativity such as "I am not into blah blah", "I hate people who are". Have an open mind and keep patience. If you struggle, don't blame yourself. It is part of the dating process and you won't be alone to feel that way. Things may happen or may not. There are no guarantees here so carry on your life with hope and perseverance that someone nice will enter your life one day and willing to settle down, with you.

    I want to thank you as well. I am new to dating, so some sound "get a leash on that puppy" tone is very helpful for me. It helps me to be a bit more confident in my approach - which is usually practical and down-to-earth. I guess I just thought dating men might be some weird area where my natural instincts should be, like, modified or something to take into account gayness. lol. It's nice to hear guys just being reasonable and ordinary in their approach to this, and to be honest, it's something of a relief to hear dating men and looking for a relationship spoken of as just another part of life.