Monogamy and homosexuality

  • mortderire

    Posts: 15

    Aug 26, 2017 7:46 AM GMT
    Hi Fellas,

    I was hoping to hear some of your thoughts and/or experiences with monogamy and any other type of relationship, really.

    I am a 33 year-old who recently has started dating again after a long bout of monogamy. It wasn't until towards the end of my most recent relationship that I started to doubt whether myself or anyone (of course they're are always outliers) are really suited for monogamy. I was convinced that monogamy was the only way I could be happy in a relationship. I admit that this was partly due to my inability to "share" my partner with others, and a certain kind of egoism that wanted to believe that I could be enough for someone indefinitely and totally. Lately, I tend to believe that I was naive to think I could be someone's "everything", and by the same token that a sole person could fulfill my expectations and needs in a partner at all times.

    However, I do have some concerns about open-relationships :

    What do you do when you come home after work eager to jump your bf only to find he's not in the mood because he's just been w/ tom, dick or harry from Grindr? How do you cope w/ that feeling of disappointment and possible jealousy?

    And, what if you need your partner there for support and he's out with another guy? Do you feel selfish for interrupting him or do you cope without him and let him have his fun?

    My biggest fear is that I will scare away someone whom I have strong feelings for by expressing that I'm not sure I'm ready for monogamy and blow the chance at a really great relationship. On the other hand, I'm equally terrified of committing to something that isnt' realistic and sacrificing the great experiences I have (and could have) with others now and in the future.

    TLDR : what are your thoughts and opinions on monogamy and how have you maintained a healthy relationship with your partner if you're in an open relationship?
  • Ubeaut

    Posts: 197

    Aug 26, 2017 9:52 AM GMT
    "And, what if you need your partner there for support and he's out with another guy? Do you feel selfish for interrupting him or do you cope without him and let him have his fun?"

    Clearly if you can cope, then you don't 'need' support.
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    Aug 26, 2017 4:40 PM GMT
    Everyone is different , but in my case my relationship has to be monogamous , always has been and always will be .
    I never have cheated on someone , but i have been cheated on , my point is if you need to sleep with others than your boyfriend , then you need to be upfront about it and terminate the relationship , too many men are cowards when it is the time to take that decision ...
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4883

    Aug 26, 2017 4:51 PM GMT
    My guy and I are "open" but to my knowledge neither of us has acted on it, except in three-ways occasionally or maybe a quick blow-job in a sauna in some hotel. We have one rule other than the given regarding health issues: We will never choose to be with someone else when we can be with each other. I do believe that monogamy is necessary at the front end of a relationship and shouldn't be hard, you should want your new love more than anyone else. But over time, a little external play starts sounding fun. It is important to keep the relationship sexy and fun. By not being closed off to the possibility, the mind plays. And we feel free to tell the other if we find some guy hot or cute.
  • bro4bro

    Posts: 1646

    Aug 26, 2017 5:31 PM GMT
    You seem to think the only choices are monogamy, or an open relationship.

    If you want to be open, why not stay single? Why bother with having a partner hanging around the house when you could be bringing home all those great Grindr guys whenever you want?

    Oh, right. You want someone who'll be there to "support" you whenever you "need " it.

    I notice in your whole post about relationships and all their various manifestations, you never mentioned the word "love" even once.
  • Antarktis

    Posts: 345

    Aug 27, 2017 6:34 AM GMT
    To start I accidentally hit the quote button. I really don't have advice. I .. Until he passed away I was with him for 12 years.ive never tried an open relationship, but I guess. Keep your own mind and jealousy in check. For some it's an emotional problem solver, for others it's a death knell.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 27, 2017 7:40 AM GMT
    You should watch some of Dan Savage's YouTube videos on this very topic. I do agree with him that our society values monogamy over people and that monogamy is probably not the healthiest model in a long-term relationship.
  • mortderire

    Posts: 15

    Aug 27, 2017 9:29 AM GMT
    Ubeaut said

    Clearly if you can cope, then you don't 'need' support.


    Well, I guess we don't "need" much other than food, oxygen and water do we? Obviously we can cope without people's support, but a big draw of relationships for many is that you can rely on your partner to be there for you, and vice versa, when it's desired/needed. I was referring more to situations in which you want your s.o around and he's not there because he's with another guy. Of course an open-relationship is about sacrifice to an extent, I was just wondering how people deal with this aspect of it in particular.
  • mortderire

    Posts: 15

    Aug 27, 2017 9:59 AM GMT
    neffaEveryone is different , but in my case my relationship has to be monogamous , always has been and always will be .
    I never have cheated on someone , but i have been cheated on , my point is if you need to sleep with others than your boyfriend , then you need to upfront about it and terminate the relationship , too many men are cowards when it is the time to take that decision ...


    Thanks for your input. I honestly wish I were more like you in that you know monogamy is the only way that works for you. I think if you can sustain it and be fulfilled, it's the less complicated and potentially less messy option of the two.

    DestinharborMy guy and I are "open" but to my knowledge neither of us has acted on it...


    I actually really like your "rule" about not choosing to be with others when you have the opportunity to be with each other. To me, that doesn't sound like too much of the "having your cake and eating it, too" complex that can predominate in an open relationship. Thanks for your comment.

    bro4broYou seem to think the only choices are monogamy, or an open relationship...


    Obviously something about my message has bothered you but I recognize that's more about you than me.

    The only type of relationship besides a platonic one besides monogamous or open would be a hookup, and that's not something that interests me. That said, my post is more about the hypothetical issues that could arise in either style of relationship and yeah, I believe one of the great benefits of a serious monogamous relationship is that you're there for each other for support, especially when it's most needed.

    I didn't "mention love" because my post is about discussing types of relationships, not whether the couple is in love or not. For what it's worth though, love is a given, at least for every serious relationship I've had, but realize it doesn't apply to everyone. Thanks anyway for your thoughts.

    Sweetyork, thanks for the recommendation. I would tend to also agree with the idea that we value the concept of monogamy over people and will check out what Dan has to say on it.
  • jhywalker

    Posts: 14

    Aug 28, 2017 5:12 AM GMT
    Before I start, this guy Dan Savage's.. oh no... loyalty, trust and respect are things that he doesn't understand.

    Open relationships raises a lot of issues. Yes, there will be times he will be having fun with others while you are at work and you will find that wet towel. Or dirty linnen or smell or half bottle of wine... this raises, jealousy and you will feel discomfort, unwanted, undesired and lack of trust and loyalty will come up...even if it's just sex.... was he better then me? With who did you learn this new move? This is not a relationship. He will not have sex with you because he already did with cute "Tom". Or he won't have dinner with you because he already did with "Tim", or he will ignore you because he was talking all day with sexy "Jake"... his do you think you will feel if your boyfriends tells you he wants to fuck that guys because he is hot as fuck....believe me... you feel horrible. I opened a relationship once because I was truly in love with him and as a grown up tried to work on the relationship. It did not work, we had a lot of fights, I was majorly dissatisfied with a lot.

    My idea of a relationship is monogamous, if someone doesn't wanna be monogamous with you or they cheat is because they don't truly love you and so whats the point of being in a relationship? People who say they love you but don't wanna be in a monogamous relationship is actually because they don't wanna be alone and likes the perks of having a "boyfriend" but are unwilling to commit or don't truly love them or have intimacy issues or are just using you for something you provide for him... there are several reasons, one is sure and guaranteed, he does not love you. When I truly love someone I cannot see another man in front of me and it just crawl my skin to think about another man touching me rather then my boyfriend.

    Oh this is an interesting article: http://elitedaily.com/dating/if-you-cheat-you-dont-love/1177853/ - It talks about monogamy, cheating and open relationship.

    So, conclusion, I know you love him but open relationship should not be an option if he felt the someway for you hence why do it if he does not feel the same way about you?!
  • mortderire

    Posts: 15

    Aug 28, 2017 9:46 AM GMT
    Thanks jhywalker,

    I used to feel a lot like you did about it. Lately though, I've thought more about love, and it should be about making each other as happy as possible. I know it's uncomfortable to imagine our bfs w/ someone else, but we're sexual beings who get a lot of enjoyment out of various sexual experiences. I no longer pretend that the person I'm seeing wouldn't enjoy sex w/ other guys, and I realize he can't give me what I need in every possible way sexually either. Once you become the sole barrier between someone and their freedom or enjoyment, it's easy to understand why resentment can build between two people.

    Seriously thought I'm just playing devil's advocate to an extent - I'm not convinced I have the constitution to stomach an open relationship, but I have noticed my general attitude towards them is a bit more positive if not just neutral. The one thing I disagree with is that you say he can't love you and want to be w/ someone else sexually. That's definitely not my experience at least, and I believe you can be very much loved despite him wanting sexual encounters w/ others. Just my 2 cents.

    Consider yourself lucky though as you at least know what you want and don't want without any doubt in a relationship. That's half the battle.
  • mortderire

    Posts: 15

    Aug 28, 2017 10:12 AM GMT
    Antarktis saidTo start I accidentally hit the quote button. I really don't have advice. I .. Until he passed away I was with him for 12 years.ive never tried an open relationship, but I guess. Keep your own mind and jealousy in check. For some it's an emotional problem solver, for others it's a death knell.


    I somehow missed your post when I first read this. First of all, I'm sorry about your loss. And you're right, it seems to be the dealmaker or breaker and for many people and nothing in between.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 01, 2017 2:56 PM GMT
    To me an open relationship is rarely more than just a different label on your favourite FB. The gay world has decided collectively they want their cake and eat, but their are still a sizeable minority who want something real. There is a concept called monogamish which means you and your partner have some mutually agreed (usually play together) forays into being open but they are rare and do not really constitute an open relationship. For those that think their open relationship is as valid as any other, good for them, who are we to judge. However that doesn't mean you have to go along with it. Open relationship oriented people tend to be preachy about their lifestyle choice, don't feel you need to listen to them as most (not all) are unhappy and take a cop out option. If distance for a period becomes an issue then of course you need to make adjustments, also if serious long term illness strikes one of you. To me if you don't feel jealous in some way at all, the relationship is dead or dying so it's healthy to some extent. Don't listen to these so called enlightened guys who preach overcoming jealousy as almost all of them are full of shit
  • jhywalker

    Posts: 14

    Sep 12, 2017 10:51 PM GMT
    Sydneyrugbyjock73 saidTo me an open relationship is rarely more than just a different label on your favourite FB. The gay world has decided collectively they want their cake and eat, but their are still a sizeable minority who want something real. There is a concept called monogamish which means you and your partner have some mutually agreed (usually play together) forays into being open but they are rare and do not really constitute an open relationship. For those that think their open relationship is as valid as any other, good for them, who are we to judge. However that doesn't mean you have to go along with it. Open relationship oriented people tend to be preachy about their lifestyle choice, don't feel you need to listen to them as most (not all) are unhappy and take a cop out option. If distance for a period becomes an issue then of course you need to make adjustments, also if serious long term illness strikes one of you. To me if you don't feel jealous in some way at all, the relationship is dead or dying so it's healthy to some extent. Don't listen to these so called enlightened guys who preach overcoming jealousy as almost all of them are full of shit


    I so agree with that.
  • Edepic

    Posts: 98

    Sep 13, 2017 12:30 AM GMT
    I was in two monogamous sequential marriages (with woman) for a total of 41years. If I would have strayed I would have felt that I had damaged my commitment even though my spouses never met "all my needs". A deep loving connection may require a degree of renunciation of the bodily pleasures of others. Isaac Asminof said that he had a thousand affairs, all with his wife of 70 years. On the other hand, no one is perfect and if a boyfriend has a fling I would hope that this could be discussed and not overly inflated into a "mortal sin". Someone recently invited me to have a fwb relationship with no strings attached. I see nothing wrong with this but it should not be confused with a deep loving connection that has a spiritual dimension.
    Robert Bly in his book "Iron John", suggests that every man must first ride the red horse: wild, free and untethered, before he is ready for the black horse: steady, dependable and connected.
    Just know the horse you are ridding.
  • uncut7in

    Posts: 76

    Sep 14, 2017 12:47 PM GMT
    I meet a number of gay couples at parties, and it becomes clear that they have an understanding that each can play with other guys without upsetting the relationship. I've only had a couple of extended relationships in my life, and in the first one we had an unstated rule that both partners could see other guys as long as it was done discreetly. The second relationship was different - I felt deeply in love with a guy, and was strictly monogamous because I never wanted anyone else sexually. It was the most amazing sex ever, better because we were wholly committed to one another.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 15, 2017 2:20 AM GMT
    I think there's an enormous difference between occasionally playing together and both of you seeing other people.
    I'm currently in a monogamous relationship. I'd be fine with the occasional "extracurricular", but my boyfriend is not. So we don't do it. It's not a necessary thing for me, so I don't push it.
    But for me, emotional monogamy matters way more than physical. If I found out my boyfriend got drunk and got a blowjob while away for work... well I wouldn't like it but I wouldn't break up over it. If I found out he was confiding in someone else and going on dates with him it would be a huge betrayal.