Boyfriend sex problem...

  • AZski

    Posts: 20

    Sep 11, 2017 8:49 PM GMT
    Hey guys. I am dating an extremely nice, cool, handsome, good guy. He is sexy as hell... But turns out he has a super low sex drive.... We have even talked about it and his shocked response was "I thought we were having a lot of sex?" My heart sank even further upon hearing that! If we see each other 4 times a week Ill be lucky to get some action twice.... And we've only been dating for 5 weeks or so... I have never been with a man who has a low sex drive. He is definitely into me, wants to spend time with me, enjoys making out with me and gets hard while doing so (so no erectile dysfunction.) He is just not super sexual it seems. Any input or advice? Thanks!
  • Happenis

    Posts: 383

    Sep 11, 2017 10:12 PM GMT
    I don't see how it's a big problem for you guys to have sex only 2 out of every 4 times that you guys see each other. That's very normal.

    However, if its a big problem then you should let him know; and see if he's willing to accommodate your needs. Personally, if I was dating a guy and knew that he expected sex from me every single time that we met then it would be too much for me.

    Remember that there's so much more to a relationship than just sex. I've been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years and we live together. We only have sex an average of 1-2 times a week and we're doing excellent! Sex (especially anal sex) requires a ton of preparation, energy and even clean up so sometimes it's just more convenient to just masturbate and call it a day after a long days work!
  • Edepic

    Posts: 98

    Sep 12, 2017 2:46 AM GMT
    Sex drives can be quite variable. However most men in their 20s such as yourself would expect to be having sex everyday during the honeymoon phase of a relationship.
    I'm 75 and have sex every day that I'm with my guy ( 51), three out of the last three days for example.
    Perhaps your boyfriend is getting to know you and will be more involved later on. However, if the frequency is so minimal in the early stage of a relationship, it usually diminishes greatly in a few years.
    Talk to him and be honest about your needs.
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 331

    Sep 12, 2017 3:21 AM GMT
    Edepic saidSex drives can be quite variable. However most men in their 20s such as yourself would expect to be having sex everyday during the honeymoon phase of a relationship.
    I'm 75 and have sex every day that I'm with my guy ( 51), three out of the last three days for example.
    Perhaps your boyfriend is getting to know you and will be more involved later on. However, if the frequency is so minimal in the early stage of a relationship, it usually diminishes greatly in a few years.
    Talk to him and be honest about your needs.


    Not sure I agree with the idea that age has anything to do with sex drive.
    "Norms" are what people are TOLD are the 'norms.' In this case, one guy is highly sexual, the other is less so. Start asking questions - nicely - about his past relationships, and did his other partners want more sex than he did. Once he tells you about his past, you have to decide whether its enough for you or not. He could be, for example, an incest survivor. As someone who has worked with them, I can tell you that they have issues about sex. I'm not saying he is one, of course, but I'll tell you what a therapist once told me: "You should be spending 3x as much time OUT of bed as in it." As men, we tend to be turned on to someone and want a lot of sex without paying attention to the cues that tell us that someone else has a different frequency for sex. I had a boyfriend I was crazy about once, and wanted to have sex twice that same morning, and he reacted quite strongly against it. He later told me - after we had ended the dating relationship , but were still friends - that someone had once asked him (during the period when we were together) how the sex was with me, and that he had replied, "WAY too good." I knew then he was afraid of letting his guard down and being completely vulnerable to me (and we both had psychology backgrounds, but his was more advanced than mine). Sex can make you vulnerable when coupled with truly liking the person (and it should: that's part of the limerance phase (falling in love = "limerance." ) I knew he couldn't sustain closeness with me or with anyone who didn't have intimacy issues: for him, it was too frightening (and I knew his family history, so I knew he came from a pretty emotionally distant family. Emotion was not their thing.)

    So ask the questions, because far too many people try to manipulate a relationship by NOT asking important questions. (That IS manipulation, by the way, when you don't ask in order to maintain the relationship, because maybe if you ask, you'll lose the person. And many people don't want to take that chance, so this is what psychologists refer to as "ulterior motives." It's not that you're a bad person for proceeding this way, but you're not exactly being truthful about what your needs are, either.) They figure they'll scare the person away. What never occurs to them is that if someone's desire to get away from you is stronger than their desire to be WITH you, you're in serious trouble. And the relationship will fail because one - or both - of you is hiding behind a "politeness" mask. And that means, one or both of you is being less than honest with each other.
    So ask.
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    Sep 12, 2017 2:17 PM GMT
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  • spider

    Posts: 331

    Sep 12, 2017 4:31 PM GMT
    sex drive differs from individual to individual but you have to be honest with him...if sex every time u meet then say so n try and reach a compromise...if not anal then what about a bj or hand job...sex is so much more than anal....a good naked massarge from my husband can get me blowing my load unaided n give me that warm glow u get after sex
  • CumminsGuy

    Posts: 34

    Sep 12, 2017 5:52 PM GMT
    You didn't say how old he is, but he may have low testosterone. A sedentary lifestyle or excess weight may also compound that problem. Perhaps something to check at the next physical.

    In the mean time, some vigorous exercise and a zinc supplement may help.
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    Sep 12, 2017 8:46 PM GMT
    A sex drive is not something you "talk out". My friends assume I have a lot of sex and I do get propositioned a bunch...I used to be able to hit and run back in the day...But I unable to be intimate with someone like that unless I really feel an intimate connection.
    Either, his sex drive with improve overtime or he's just more about the intimate aspect of relationship rather than the physical like me.
    I recall one of the guys I was getting to know bringing up his sexual kinks a lot during the early stages of dating and that really turned me off and we never went further than that. Good luck to you both.
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    Sep 12, 2017 9:00 PM GMT
    AZski saidHey guys. I am dating an extremely nice, cool, handsome, good guy. He is sexy as hell... But turns out he has a super low sex drive.... We have even talked about it and his shocked response was "I thought we were having a lot of sex?" My heart sank even further upon hearing that! If we see each other 4 times a week Ill be lucky to get some action twice.... And we've only been dating for 5 weeks or so... I have never been with a man who has a low sex drive. He is definitely into me, wants to spend time with me, enjoys making out with me and gets hard while doing so (so no erectile dysfunction.) He is just not super sexual it seems. Any input or advice? Thanks!


    My guess is he may be inexperienced, or wary of letting his guard down for previous relationship issues. The other factor could be that there is a preferred sex roles clash and if he is versatile preferring to top for example and he has decided he will accept being a bottom but due to not getting his preference sexually he may be less enthusiastic as you. I too am very high sex drive, two weeks without is a drought to me yet I could happily have it 2 times provided I am all he is getting it on with and what we do is quality sexy time where we could take our time.
  • toybrian

    Posts: 409

    Sep 13, 2017 1:29 AM GMT
    I agree with Cummins guy that he may just have a low testorone problem. I am the other way that I need sex 5x a week and hope
    when I get a partner he will want it that much. Sex is important to me as well as just be there to talk and be outdoors as much as
    indoors.
  • AZski

    Posts: 20

    Sep 13, 2017 9:23 PM GMT
    Thanks for the input. To give some context... He is 40, in good shape, and has no problem getting aroused. He just simply does not want to have sex very often (by my standards.) He has brushed me off several times when I have made advances. He seems to only want to have sex before bed or in the morning when we wake up. I feel like I'm in the 1950's. He has even said "Well I just figure, why not save sex for later" regarding waiting for bed time. He has also said that he gets sore from topping (never heard of that before), and cant have sex every single day (never heard of that either). I feel very shallow and superficial but this is bothering me. At the same time, I don't want to lose a great guy who doesn't want to have sex as often as I would like. Everything else is great minus the frequency of sex. I am used to having sex at least once or twice per over night visit with my partner, where as with him it seems sex ONE time over a whole weekend together is enough... AAAAAAAH! icon_mad.gif I guess I need to evaluate whats more important to me.
  • Edepic

    Posts: 98

    Sep 14, 2017 12:45 AM GMT
    Relationships are a two way street. Maybe he needs to evaluate what's important for him. Certainly you don't want a guy who wraps himself up in the British Flag and gives it up for grand old England, but lovers do accommodate to each other's desires. If he is as attunened to you as you believe he is, perhaps he would be willing to develop a more sensual/sexual connection. A massage table would be a good start with slow mutual sensual massages while you patiently wait for him to initiate sex. Take a course in tantric yoga together and then practice. I know that some men raised in a strict religion have trouble giving themselves permission to be fully sexual but in time they can change.
    Good luck.