Always falling for "confused" guys

  • Wrt2liv

    Posts: 1

    Sep 30, 2017 8:40 PM GMT
    Does anyone else have this problem? I have a tendency to fall for guys who make my gaydar ping immediately, we hit it off really well, have deep conversations, hit all the typical flirty moves, but then toward the end they drop the "straight" bomb, casually in conversation, like, "Yeah, my last girlfriend and I (blah blah blah), or "Oh yeah, I tried stuff with dudes before but just wasn't into it" etc.

    It seems to happen to me *a lot*. And most of the time they initiate the flirting. It pisses me off because after everything, the gaydar is still going off, and I still like them a lot. But I'm not one of those super confident guys who will just go for it anyway; if I get verbal confirmation from them that they are not gay, or at least not out, I take that as a sign to not try to push the romance even though all their nonverbals (and some verbals) point toward them digging me. It's partially a confidence thing and also a psychological thing: If they're bi/gay, but closeted or confused, I'm not really interested in being their therapist/counselor *and* lover. I'm always willing to help them out on a platonic level to try to figure out their feelings but please don't expect me to try to drag you out of the closet.

    On the flip side, a lot of the time when I'm presented with an out and proud, available guy, I'm not into them for some reason. Either they're just not my type physically or there's something about their personality or outlook on life that just doesn't turn me on.

    But really I just get so pissed when I hit it off with some of these amazing guys, we are obviously flirting, and they tick off all the marks to make me fall for them: funny, smart, witty, kind, empathetic, cute in all the right ways. Then suddenly, BAM!, door shut in my face (at least that's how it feels).

    How do you guys handle situations like that? Sometimes I wonder if I should just try to go for it anyway, even though it kind of goes against my principles. So many times they continuously drop hints as if they're hoping/expecting/waiting for *me* to be the one to make an actual move (which I'm *terrible* at even in the best circumstances). On one hand it's flattering, but on the other hand I find it kind of offensive. Being in the closet sucks, but I decided a long time ago that I'm not going to go back in the closet for anyone or try to hide our relationship. I'm like, if I can't brag about you to my friends, or if I have to pretend we're just "good friends" or something, that's insulting to me.

    What do you guys think? When "straight" guys pull this kind of stuff, do you just walk away, or do you try to pursue something with them even if they are not ready to come out?
  • jhywalker

    Posts: 14

    Oct 01, 2017 11:15 PM GMT
    oh I used to be like that as well but as soon as I notice they are "confused" or "straight" I block them out, like quit the convo or just move on to some different subject, stop the flirting and literally avoid them because I also noticed that guys like that like to have a "gay pet" and it only forked me over.
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    Oct 01, 2017 11:57 PM GMT
    Wrt2liv said
    What do you guys think? When "straight" guys pull this kind of stuff, do you just walk away, or do you try to pursue something with them even if they are not ready to come out?

    I made the mistake twice of entangling myself with a couple of guys who were gay, LTR relationships several years apart. But they were afraid to come out. I stupidly thought they might come out, with my encouragagement. Neither one ever did.

    So I had to live this closeted relationship with each of them, with their family, straight friends, everyone. I HATED it. I loved them, truly I did, each in their own way, but the closeting was just too much for me. I wonder if they ever came out, all these years later. Nearly as old as me.
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    Oct 08, 2017 10:41 PM GMT
    Sorry, OP, but I get the feeling that these guys are not the "confused" ones here. You may need to look at yourself in the mirror. What you consider as flirting, may just be friendliness on their part.

    But, I could be wrong. What exactly do you mean by "typical flirty moves"?