accepting affirmations

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    Feb 23, 2009 1:08 AM GMT
    do you accept affirmations? are you unable to do so? if you do accept them, are you gracious/confident/arrogant about getting them? do you believe the affirmations you accept (or does it mean you haven't accepted them when you say "thank you" without absorbing them?)?

    okay, this may seem like a side issue, but for me they're connected... i've taken a couple of weeks of not talking on here about my most recent stab at dating, and now i have a couple questions to go along with the questions above...


    #1 if he was so impressed by me on so many levels, why can't i see anything he saw in myself? (and conversely, why couldn't he accept it that i saw something impressive in him as well?)

    #2 if i was the great thing he said i was, why did he leave so quickly?

    #3 are the amazing compliments he gave me rendered null and void upon his running away?

    #4 if, as i suspect, he bolted because i was so nice to him, then what does that mean on a wider scale? he pursued the largest douche nozzle in charlotte, nc for 1.5 years... should i be mean to people, then? what if i can't do that? why do people gravitate towards misery? is it habit? familiarity? addiction? immaturity? all/none of the above?

    #5 if you have formerly been unable to accept seeing yourself in a positive light, but now are able to do so, would you consider sharing your process with me?
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 23, 2009 1:16 AM GMT
    Jack,

    Thats alot of information in a short thread, but let me say that you see yourself (as do I) in a certain "light" and those around us certainly see us differently, because of their own experiences in life, what they value or just different insight.

    Sure, I get affirmations and I'm always polite when I receive them. Those affirmations may be viewed very differently when received. Sure we get them about our looks all the time and I'm polite about it, but affirmations about my work, my efforts, who and what I am or trying to be.. means so much more.

    As far as those who give you positive reinforcement, then disappear.. just remember, it may be because of their own peceptions of themselves
    (not you) that might cause them to depart. It might be something (as I tend to notice with some) constant one way conversations or something (really minor) that might turn them off). It might have absolutely nothing to do with you.

    As far as #4... I think you are way off base... unless you don't want (really don't want to be involved with anyone and you chase them away)...

    Anyway, I've always thought you were a great guy... thus a positive affirmation.. How do you accept those?
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    Feb 23, 2009 2:28 AM GMT
    Hey dancerjack, anything for you! *rolls up sleeves, wipes brow, poises fingers on keyboard*

    #1 if he was so impressed by me on so many levels, why can't i see anything he saw in myself? (and conversely, why couldn't he accept it that i saw something impressive in him as well?)

    my answer: Cause you have a sense of humility, and also may be unjustifiably hard on yourself. (we are our own worst critics). He likely put on a show for you - imitating your humility - sincerest form of flattery- as it was easy for him to 'read' your kind and open heart (DON"T hide this heart!) in order to get his nookies.

    #2 if i was the great thing he said i was, why did he leave so quickly?

    my answer : He realized you were serious and perhaps realized that you're the real thing and he a facsimile.

    #3 are the amazing compliments he gave me rendered null and void upon his running away?

    my answer : Nope, they're true. If a moron says the sky is blue and the stars beautiful, it's true (but he's still a dope)

    #4 if, as i suspect, he bolted because i was so nice to him, then what does that mean on a wider scale? he pursued the largest douche nozzle in charlotte, nc for 1.5 years... should i be mean to people, then? what if i can't do that? why do people gravitate towards misery? is it habit? familiarity? addiction? immaturity? all/none of the above?

    my answer : Heh, if you'd been like the guy he's chasing, he'd be sharing his time between you and that other guy. If you're mean to people, you'll get people like him that is drawn to conflict. Sounds like that relationship with that other guy is pretty nasty. 'The Bickersons' You deserve better than dysfunction. He could be the kind that is most comfortable in love-hate relationships. He could be equally nasty in them, except he would stick around. Look at the on again off again relationship with his ex. Something tells me you wouldn't want THAT for yourself too.
    Some guys gravitate towards misery because they have issues. They want someone to fight with. Sounds exhausting, eh?

    #5 if you have formerly been unable to accept seeing yourself in a positive light, but now are able to do so, would you consider sharing your process with me?

    my answer : See the above answers! I used to have a really poor self image when I was in my 20s. I learned there's a difference between self put-downs and honestly being humble and not arrogant.

    You shine my friend. *puts on sunglasses and grins at Dancerjack.*
    ...and you have more class in your pinky than that guy has in his whole arm! This last demonstrated by his behaviour.... and yours!icon_wink.gif

    xo - Doug of meninlove (Bill says Hi and was discerning critic of my post)

    PS if you can impress us just with online stuff and from all the way over there, what does that tell you? heheh

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 23, 2009 2:43 AM GMT
    I'm confused; what are affirmations?
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    Feb 23, 2009 4:07 AM GMT
    Red_Vespa saidI'm confused; what are affirmations?


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    Feb 23, 2009 4:29 AM GMT
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    Feb 23, 2009 4:31 AM GMT
    the affirmations that other people give can say as much about them as they do you! icon_neutral.gif
  • Thirdbeach

    Posts: 1364

    Feb 23, 2009 4:41 AM GMT
    Maybe its just me; but I think Dancerjack is fucking fabulous!
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    Feb 23, 2009 4:43 AM GMT
    ActiveAndFit saidthe affirmations that other people give can say as much about them as they do you! icon_neutral.gif


    stuartSmalley.jpg
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    Feb 23, 2009 4:53 AM GMT
    Thirdbeach saidMaybe its just me; but I think Dancerjack is fucking fabulous!


    you are always there, boo... always... lol ;)
  • Thirdbeach

    Posts: 1364

    Feb 23, 2009 4:57 AM GMT
    dancerjack said
    you are always there, boo... always... lol ;)


    You know it Honey...
    That's why we are here. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Feb 23, 2009 5:07 AM GMT
    I might not know Jack .. but accepting affirmations is probably about self acceptance!



    http://www.lyrics4all.net/l/love-inc/love-inc/youre-a-superstar.htmlEverything you are today, Is what you want to be.
    So don't be someone else when you be the best so easily.
    If you try, and believe, my baby you'll succeed,
    And your eyes will make you see,
    You're a superstar.
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    Feb 23, 2009 5:10 AM GMT
    thank you doug/bill... i guess i have to accept he might be what you say, but it hurts my feelings, because it means that yet again i picked poorly. i really want to believe he's better than that, because it reflects better on me on some level if he's, at least partially, as wonderful as i thought he was. and perhaps one day he will be (for someone else). oh well. at least i tried, right?
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    Feb 23, 2009 5:29 AM GMT
    I guess I would ask why it is so important to be complimented.

    I've long had my own difficulty with accepting compliments. But in the hierarchy of life's problems, it seems pretty low on the scale of importance to me. After all, it proceeds from the fact that I receive compliments to begin with, and lots of people don't.

    Also, it sounds like the guy buried you in compliments. I do think that's frequently a sign of insincerity, just as any other excess of expression usually masks its opposite. Or the excess may be in response to a need the other person detects. Or both.



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    Feb 23, 2009 5:35 AM GMT
    I think you pretty well covered it there doc!
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    Feb 23, 2009 6:05 AM GMT
    If you can't accept a compliment, then some self-esteem adjustment is in order!

    If they're buttering you up and darting off, they've clearly got some type of issue themselves, and it's usually something to do with self-esteem, abandonment, or some history of abuse administered by another person or group and sometimes even self-abuse.
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    Feb 23, 2009 7:51 AM GMT
    We all need affirmations if nothing else to keep us sane and strong amidst the negativity we encounter everyday. Whether we get real or fake affirmations from others matters little; it's what you feel about yourself that counts, and acknowledging your strengths and virtues does wonders to your mind and soul.

    But in case you need some sincere affirmations;
    Hey DJ, you know we love you here. I give you big bear hugs and kisses, muah!!!
    icon_wink.gif
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    Feb 23, 2009 1:27 PM GMT
    I suggest you come back and read this thread in 5 days ...see if you've changed your mind about it.....
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    Feb 23, 2009 1:32 PM GMT
    My bf and I talk of this quite a bit...we both feel that we dont see in ourselves what the other says they see in us. But with him its different.

    He is so sexually attractive and has the body to back it up that others really hit on him quite a bit. Also he has a great personality which draws people in even more. He says he doesnt think thats why people hit on him....whatever.

    It is very intimidating for me to see and hear of this going on, on a daily basis. I know alot of it has to do with my self esteem and acceptance, but it gets overwhelming when so many people want the person you are with. I try to remember though that he says and shows me he loves me. He says he doesnt want anyone else but me and for me to remember that.

    The reason I am saying this is because maybe this guy and his selfesteem couldnt handle you and your looks? Your a great looking guy obviously but it sounds like you have the personality to go with it also.

    He might have been intimidated of all this to the point where he didnt feel he would be equal to you or be able to be worthy of you and your attention...the feeling of not being good enough is very damaging.

    I am sure all of the things he said to you are very true...and he meant every word....that just might be the problem though...to him you might have been perfection and he couldnt handle it....so he went back to the jerk...someone he knew wasnt perfect and he knew what to expect.

    Its sad though because he is missing out on one of the greatest guys that he probably will ever meet. Some of us are used to having it so bad, that we dont think we are worthy of anything that might seem to good to be true, but in actuality is just that.....true.
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    Feb 23, 2009 1:44 PM GMT


    That's a good point, Dancerjack, "thank you doug/bill... i guess i have to accept he might be what you say, but it hurts my feelings, because it means that yet again i picked poorly."


    Neither of us are expert at picking friends; we pick poorly. Come to think of it, just who is expert at it? Sometimes we luck out. We like to think we've made some great friends here.

    Apologies if we slagged your choice of men. Not Bill or Doug's intent, so much as trying to show you that you deserve a great guy and a great love.

    If tomorrow he came soaring in your front door on the wings of dedicated love, both of us would happily sit down to a big plate of young crow (feathers are easier to swallow when they're soft, heh). We'd also readily apologize to the guy, too. The criticizing opinions (of others) by Bill and Doug are rarely written in stone. Optimistic opinions of ours are much more indelible.

    -us





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    Feb 23, 2009 2:10 PM GMT


    PS affirmations and validation by others inspire us.
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    Feb 23, 2009 2:19 PM GMT
    I take them at face value. At least initially. I say "thank you" and that is it. I am a bit leery about people who flatter, at least 50% of the time they are doing it for their own personal gain.

    I personally think it is better to be complimented then to be criticized (DUH right?). But the ideal situation is to receive honest, constructive compliments or criticisms. Unfortunately not many people can do that.
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    Feb 23, 2009 3:02 PM GMT
    Strut your stuff man.....


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    Feb 23, 2009 4:39 PM GMT
    I will try and answer your specific questions Dancerjack since I consider you a RJ friend as well as a valued contributor. Just to forewarn you I come from an education background in psychology and a life dedicated to self-esteem repair and renovation!

    #1 if he was so impressed by me on so many levels, why can't i see anything he saw in myself? (and conversely, why couldn't he accept it that i saw something impressive in him as well?)

    - this is a multi-faceted question, but I would answer it with how were treated in your formative years? Did you get a lot of positive feedback or were you criticized by those you looked up to? Our behaviour, including our self-esteem, is determined by activity in the brain, which in turn is greatly determined by early life experiences. He may have the same issues.

    #2 if i was the great thing he said i was, why did he leave so quickly?

    - perhaps he has low self-esteem and does not think he is worthy of you. Or perhaps he was frightened by his own feelings that were starting to develop. I personally feel men have trouble dealing with emotions of the more tender sort.

    #3 are the amazing compliments he gave me rendered null and void upon his running away?

    No not necessarily. They are only null and void if you suspect he was being insincere. Some guys give out compliments to those they want to sleep with. Once the sex is over they move on. Was he like that?

    #4 if, as i suspect, he bolted because i was so nice to him, then what does that mean on a wider scale? he pursued the largest douche nozzle in charlotte, nc for 1.5 years... should i be mean to people, then? what if i can't do that? why do people gravitate towards misery? is it habit? familiarity? addiction? immaturity? all/none of the above?

    Some people gravitate towards misery partially because that reflects their own upbringing. We have a tendency to gravitate towards what we know and have experienced. The cliche "misery likes company" like all cliches has a certain amount truth to it.

    #5 if you have formerly been unable to accept seeing yourself in a positive light, but now are able to do so, would you consider sharing your process with me?

    My self-esteen was virtually zilch at one point in my life (well from about 11 to 22). The only thing I thought I was good at was school (that was true, I was a good student). I am not going to go into the specifics of why I had low self-esteem, but I will say that being gay was only a small part of it.

    I did not think I was attractive even when I started receiving compliments. I remember a girlfriend of my sister saying that she would like to "take me for a ride". I was so naive I thought she meant her car!

    What process did I take to start seeing myself in a positive light? Well for one thing I read up on human development. Not Sigmund Freud and the oediupus complex shit, but recent studies on how the human brain is impacted by life experiences as well as genetics. I also paid attention to what my Mom said about my early life (I can remember as far back as age 2 1/2, so before that age). I learned a lot from her about why I felt the way I felt. Knowing who you are is of only limited use, having a strong suspicion of the WHY is just as important.

    Finally I also have paid close attention to other people's relationships. I have closely studied those relationships I think are positive, and those that are not, and have learned from them. What to do, and what not to do.

    Is everything perfect in my life? Absolutely not, perfection can be found in a Mozart symphony but not in a human existence. But I am definitely in a better place then I thought would be in 1982.