Breaking Up

  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Oct 12, 2007 2:34 AM GMT
    Hey guys, I just broke up with my BF of 2yrs yesterday. We had a number of issues that we just could not work out, we are also living together still by the way. He moved in with me, we are in a nice sized one bed room, we are on good terms with eachother so far. I realize that he will need time to save money and get started on his own. Any tips, advice on how to get through thisicon_question.gif

    Doug
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16305

    Oct 12, 2007 3:51 AM GMT
    Doug,
    Hey very sorry man.. hearing about your breakup!
    I can only imagine how much it bothers you. I would make sure to have friends to talk to, focus on the things that are important to you... and remind yourself
    what a good man you are.

    Chris
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11648

    Oct 12, 2007 10:30 AM GMT
    Break ups are tuff...
    but this thing about still living together
    kinda makes me go, Hmmm....
    If it's for any length of time - it's goona put you in a holding pattern that's not going to be good for you
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Oct 12, 2007 11:24 AM GMT
    That's a tough situation. You still need to be cordial, but the relationship is now a short-term business arrangement.

    I'd suggest that you set a time each week to have a quick talk with him and see where he is on his progress. Also, I'd start separating your stuff. Anything that's particularly valuable to you, pack it away - out of the house if possible. Anything he doesn't need on a day to day basis, get him to pack up for his move.

    Send a clear message now that it's over and he's moving.
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    Oct 12, 2007 11:36 AM GMT
    Also be sure to start seperateing your finances, sit down and talk realisticly together about how long it will be before he has enough saved to be able to move out (4-6 weeks?). Come up with a plan, add 2 weeks, then set a 'move out by' date.

    R
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Oct 12, 2007 12:11 PM GMT
    Hey guys, It's really wierd right now. I'm the one that broke things off. He's not that crazy about me right now, which I understand. We had also planned a trip to europe in December, believe it or not I would still like him to go, I'm still going regardless of what happens, I bought the tickets. We never mixed our money together so that's not a real problem. I'm proposing he keep his share of the rent to get himself together but share the utilites and groceries.

    Doug
  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    Oct 12, 2007 2:50 PM GMT
    Oh dear

    Sad to hear your news Cityguy. You're always the voice of wisdom so I am expecting you will ride this problem through and do the right thing.

    Living in the same space as an Ex is not ideal as you no doubt know, and I'm sure you'll try to change this situation when you both are able.

    I think going away on holiday with your Ex so soon after a break-up might be a mistake, as you both probably need some space before a friendship can be formed.

    However, like in everything, there are no rules, and I'm sure you will work your way through this rough time.

    Best wishes

    Laurence
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    Oct 12, 2007 3:00 PM GMT
    I'd agree with many of the things said here.

    I lived with my ex for a year, as we were trying to sell the condo and he needed to get a new job. We had been together for so long that that was somewhat comfortable, but we (and you) definitely need to start drawing boundaries and separating things. You really won't be able to start moving on until you are physically separate. Don't go on the vacation together! You both need to start making new experiences separate from each other. My last trip with my ex (right before I broke it off) was one of the most awkward times I've ever had. Since you're not with anyone else you know except this other person, it really focuses it on the two of you, and not on the place you're going.

    All in all, be kind to yourself and be kind to him. It sounds like you're doing that already. Good luck and a big hug from the East Coast. Try to get more real ones from friends and supporters.
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Oct 12, 2007 7:23 PM GMT
    Matt, Laurence, thank you guys so much for the encouraging words of support. My ex and I both will be OK, he actually apologized to me today for the way he's been acting. To me, this is a sign that for him, healing has begun. He's going to stay at a friend's house for the weekend, it will be good to have this time alone. I feel like you guys are my brothers, I truely feel a sense of community here at this site, reading your words has made my situation a lot easier to deal with. Please keep the words and advice coming.

    Thank you all

    Doug
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    Oct 12, 2007 7:43 PM GMT
    I commend you both for remaining gentlemen about the your break-up. It’s too bad that you could not work it out.

    When my ex and I broke-up over two years ago and I was the one in transition...being that I was moving clear across the country. During this transitional period he sank to such a low level of pettiness that I still suffer from "Chronic Amazement".

    It's also great that your ex realizes that you need time a part so you won't feel like your being stifled.

    A firm exit date is also key. You both need to move forward and heal.

    Good luck to you both.icon_biggrin.gif
  • Lifeisgood

    Posts: 46

    Oct 13, 2007 12:59 PM GMT
    I'm sure I have not business commenting on this and I believe you need to do whatever works for you. But I read your story and felt the need to comment.

    I'm a bit confused about whether or not there are still feelings left between you. If there are then is there a chance you still want to be with him and are sending mixed signals? Living with and "ex" who still cares about you is a bit selfish. In some way, you get some needs met because you come home everyday to someone who you know cares about you, but there are walls up all over the place. It's not fair to him either.

    If there really are no feelings left between you, then the best thing is for both of you to move, and physically separate, on as soon as possible if not sooner.

    Maybe I'm confused because I don't have a sense that I know all of the truth behind this situation. I hope that you both are being honest first and foremost, with yourselves. Then with each other. And I mean completely honest about what's going on in your head, your mind, your heart; stuff maybe you didn't think about before. If you do that, then you will both find the right path.

    Take care I sincerely wish you the best. I just broke up with a casual boyfriend and it was tough.
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Oct 13, 2007 4:39 PM GMT
    Hey notarealjock, I broke up with my now ex once before. I should have never gotten back with him. I thought things would change with us but they didn't, atleast not from my perspective. I realize now that we need to apart as soon as possible. He moved in with me so he's going to find another place. I love him, but I'm no longer in love with him if that makes any sense. One thing I have learned about myself, is that I can live with another person and that I can adjust my environment to another person after a lifetime of living alone.

    Doug
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    Oct 15, 2007 1:54 AM GMT
    That makes perfect sense. Too many people screw themselves over not understanding the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.

    Either way I hope things go well for you and you have my support.