Dating Younger Guys

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 23, 2009 4:23 PM GMT
    Ok, Just getting some feedback. Im 42yo, and this week been seeing a guy 24yo.

    Anyhow we spent 3 evenings together and one night together. yes we have ahd sex. Sunday morning in the process of making whoopie, he stops and tells me "I love you" WHAOO Horsie!

    This guy is mature in many ways. Good job, makes decent money, not into the bars sceen, nice place etc...However I wonder abotu his emotional maturity. Especially when he says that in one week.

    I also feel a jealous and possesive guy he might be. We went shopping Saturday and he walked behind me to make sure I ddin't check out all the guy that were checking me out (yes I looked great).

    So some feed back welcomed. I this just immaturity and will he grow out of it? Or is this just plain old emotional insecurity?
  • maximumrisk

    Posts: 799

    Feb 23, 2009 6:43 PM GMT
    Its probably just a crush on his side or he just uses the term loosely. Either way you dont need to take it so serious. Just wait a little more and see how it develops, he will probably pick up on the fact that you don´t when you don´t say it back.
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    Feb 23, 2009 6:51 PM GMT
    Couple of things...
    Maybe he just blurted that out in the "heat of the moment" and therefor it meant nothing at all at this moment...

    What did you say with regard to" his need to evade any looks you would have gotten at the mall?" Although, you make it sound like you were looking so great you wanted looks from other guys and/or felt he should covet you.

    Just ask him, repectfully, where he is coming from and let him know where you are in this relationship and if he asks why the questions, remind him of these episodes that made you wonder.
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    Feb 23, 2009 8:33 PM GMT
    I've always followed a "5-up, 5-down" rule regarding age. Whenever I violated it, the relationships failed.

    Maybe your rule is broader than mine, and if it works for you, it works. But I think you're fighting an uphill battle when the age difference gets really big.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Feb 23, 2009 8:59 PM GMT
    I think a ten up ten down is realistic. Your not a kid anymore!
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    Feb 23, 2009 9:10 PM GMT
    MikemikeMike saidI think a ten up ten down is realistic. Your not a kid anymore!

    10-up, 10-down is reasonable for some guys. Not what's worked for me, but everyone is different. Approaching 20 years seems a bit much, though, wouldn't you say? Not impossible as an exception, but I think beginning to fall outside the range of possibilities.
  • Mikeylikesit

    Posts: 1021

    Feb 23, 2009 10:47 PM GMT
    I can relate....I dated a 23yo for 3 months....I'm 42yo. We had great chemistry. But, yes the emotional maturity was not there....within the first week he was txting me that he loved me.........ect...ect...He did alway spend the night...One day....he just disapeared.....icon_eek.gif
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    Feb 23, 2009 11:01 PM GMT
    Red_Vespa said
    MikemikeMike saidI think a ten up ten down is realistic. Your not a kid anymore!

    10-up, 10-down is reasonable for some guys. Not what's worked for me, but everyone is different. Approaching 20 years seems a bit much, though, wouldn't you say? Not impossible as an exception, but I think beginning to fall outside the range of possibilities.


    Sorry folks..I don't look at the number. I look for the muturity. I knwo youth means soem immaturity, but also can bring other great thing to the relationship.

    I was raised this way. My father loved my mother 25 years til death did they part. they had 19 years difference.
  • FrontRowIn

    Posts: 133

    Feb 23, 2009 11:08 PM GMT
    Cowboiway saidOk, Just getting some feedback. Im 42yo, and this week been seeing a guy 24yo.

    Anyhow we spent 3 evenings together and one night together. yes we have ahd sex. Sunday morning in the process of making whoopie, he stops and tells me "I love you" WHAOO Horsie!

    This guy is mature in many ways. Good job, makes decent money, not into the bars sceen, nice place etc...However I wonder abotu his emotional maturity. Especially when he says that in one week.

    I also feel a jealous and possesive guy he might be. We went shopping Saturday and he walked behind me to make sure I ddin't check out all the guy that were checking me out (yes I looked great).

    So some feed back welcomed. I this just immaturity and will he grow out of it? Or is this just plain old emotional insecurity?


    Well, there is a lot to take into consideration. People are coming out at younger and younger ages. If he's been out for more than five years, he may very well be ready for a relationship. The jealousy thing worries me, though. I do remember when I was a little younger than that, I had "say I lover you too soon"-syndrome. A month later, I'd be bored with the guy. I am only speaking for myself, but I would give it more time before making a major decision.
    It's very important to be sure to communicate where you stand, so that there are no surprises for him later.
    The jealousy thing, would be an issue for me. I would worry about control issues surfacing later.
    If he hasn't been out for very long, I worry about starting a long-term relationship with him. Unless, fo course, he a relationship oriented type.
    I guess this would be a good time to set your expectations and get his.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Feb 23, 2009 11:17 PM GMT
    As a younger guy who often dates guys much older than I am, I find myself in these situations. Often, it's not so much a maturity gap as it is a generation thing where younger guys are accustomed to showing emotion and acting differently. I think the best thing to do is discuss these concerns with your partner; if he is indeed mature enough to be in a relationship with you, he will be able to respond like an adult to your concerns and work them out. If he can't come to an understanding with you in a mature matter that reflects the integrity of the relationship you seek, then I say it's time to let this fish go back into the sea.
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    Feb 23, 2009 11:19 PM GMT
    RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    i have only told one man i loved him, and he was my first b/f and my longest relationship.

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    Feb 23, 2009 11:29 PM GMT
    This reminds me of an episode of "How I Met Your Mother." On their first date, Ted (the main character) tells Robin (his future girlfriend) that he loves her. Robin doesn't reciprocate until the middle of the next season, but in between they make it work. I know this is fictional, but I wouldn't be too concerned about his... proclamation. Have you tried talking to him about it? Communicating about what he actually meant? That might give you some insight into him and where he's coming from, and you might just learn something interesting about his past/ brain-state.

    As for maturity? If you want to get into a relationship with a boy nearly 20 years younger than you, you need to know there will be a maturity gap. That's the downside to this kind of relationship, and you have to accept it. My one word of advice is to never, ever, ever call him immature or try to guide him into not making the same mistakes you made at his age. If he's anything like me, hearing the words "you'll understand when you're older" will cause extreme resentment. You need to allow him to make mistakes and not judge, criticize, or punish him for those mistakes. He has twenty years less life experience than you do and twenty years of mistakes to make before he's as mature as you. If you're serious about him (which, after a week and 3 dates, I don't really see how you could be THAT serious), then you'll need to demonstrate a lot of patience.

    Cowboiway said
    I also feel a jealous and possesive guy he might be. We went shopping Saturday and he walked behind me to make sure I ddin't check out all the guy that were checking me out (yes I looked great).


    How much of the above is in your head? Did he tell you he was walking behind you for the sole purpose of monitoring your cruising habits? If not, there are any number of reasons he could have been walking behind you. 1) He could be a slower walker than you. 2) He could be checking out your ass. 3) He could be uncomfortable in that mall and using you as a social barricade. 4) Etc... Unless he told you that he was walking "behind [you] to make sure [you] ddin't check out all the guy that were checking [you] out," this comment is strangely off-putting to me...
  • swimbikerun

    Posts: 2835

    Feb 23, 2009 11:52 PM GMT
    If it was during sex, then take it with a grain of salt. If it happens over morning breakfast, take it more seriously.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19138

    Feb 23, 2009 11:53 PM GMT
    I can only speak from my own experience, but younger guys can tend to use the "L" word a lot easier or faster than an older guy will --- which is not in any way a slam to younger guys --- I just think someone older has the experience behind them to know that it's not a word you use lightly.
  • ROYCE13

    Posts: 315

    Feb 23, 2009 11:55 PM GMT
    Because one has a job and residence does not make one mature. Mature is how one thinks, reacts to situations, makes decisions, treats people and etc...

    Age is only important to the 2 individuals involved in the relationship. Yes there is a generational gap for about every ten years, but do not place everyone in the same age group to act the same. If you enjoy him , ride it out slowly, if something like this comes up, ask him or let it go.

    Dating is hard, everybody acts differently and we act differently with each one we date - sometimes. Everybody is looking for everything to have meaning, when sometimes it is just words. I really would not seek advise on a 3 day relationship. Give it more time or move on , it sounds like you are looking for us to tell you something. You know what to do for you, not us.


  • ROYCE13

    Posts: 315

    Feb 23, 2009 11:59 PM GMT
    also, some people say "love " for everything, instead of I like you, i really like you, i like being with you, instead some say i love you, love being with you,,,,,, too much emphasis on the wrong choice of words, but does not always mean they LOVE you. Also, maybe as a young guy, he thinks you want or need to hear that, just a thought
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    Feb 24, 2009 12:09 AM GMT
    Cowboiway said Sunday morning in the process of making whoopie, he stops and tells me "I love you"



    Was he looking at himself in the mirror when he said it?
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    Feb 24, 2009 12:16 AM GMT


    I also feel a jealous and possesive guy he might be. We went shopping Saturday and he walked behind me to make sure I ddin't check out all the guy that were checking me out (yes I looked great).

    Well...who is the mature one in this relationship? icon_wink.gif

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    Feb 24, 2009 12:47 AM GMT
    Well, as an older man, I can't imagine why I'd want to be saddled with the burden of a younger guy.

    First, is he working? If not, then what's he want, a free ride from me? No, thank you; I'm nobody's sugar daddy.

    If he's working, as he should be, then that's a limitation I don't want. I've been retired for 15 years, can do anything I want, anytime I want, don't need to plan around his vacation time and days off. My present partner is retired, too, as was my late partner. I'd never tie myself down to someone else's work schedule, no matter how cute the guy is.

    Now if you can come up with a young hunk who's independently wealthy and free as air, I might be interested. But seriously, would a treasure like that even offer me a second glance?

    So give me an older retired guy, like my partner, with whom I can spend all my time, who speaks my generational language, who's as naturally comfortable with me as I am with him. We can both go to the club and oogle all the young eye candy our tired old eyes can handle, and then go home together for some adult snuggling in bed, and maybe, gawd forbid, some geriatric sex. LMAO!!!
  • Tiller66

    Posts: 380

    Feb 24, 2009 2:04 AM GMT
    Well in my experience it was a little backwards he was older and I was youger but when he said ily I just replied with " yea I think your cool too" needless to say it did'nt go over too well but i told him that I just don't throw that around becuase it means lot to me. You can say it to me and I accept it for what it means to you.But I'll say it when i'm ready and I know you will be happy about it."It seamed to work but I said it back about a month laterIf you think you need to say something do but those young ones can be touchy.Good Luck
  • tbeaux

    Posts: 419

    Feb 24, 2009 2:19 AM GMT
    Interesting that this topic came up because a weekly goal i've been setting for myself is NOT to get attached to someone so quickly I don't date guys my age for many reasons.. i prefer older men 20s into mid 30s. i know i am young!!!! butit's great the experience they have and A LOT more mature. . I don't really say the I love you thing at all. Until i really mean it, I like the love that grows, anywho, my problem is, i tend to take things too fast such as texting every minute of the day seeing how the day is going,wanting to hang out allthe time, and doing all the rest of the stuffand what not. until one guy I dated sat me down and talked to me about it, i was quite thankful that he did too. He used positive reinforcement by saying im glad you are not one of those guys who says i love you within the first week and whatnot and i learned to not say that, from experience, it's something that kids my age throw around to " appear more mature " when in fact most of us don't really know what love is about. BUT he sat me down and said you act like we are living together and im not so comfortable with it, it's going way too fast.

    so the moral of that story is even though at the first 5 minutes of hearing ihm saythat i was pissed, but once i started to realize that i do.....do that, it helped me stop, and so that's what i've been working on, and so far it's been working.


    so advice to you cowboiway..and as everyone has already said, let him make his own mistakes, but also communicate with him. if he is as mature as you say he is, he'll get over it fast and take your advice, just don't tlak to him about it in a superior/inferior way.. any young person HATES that.
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    Feb 24, 2009 2:39 AM GMT
    CowboiwayI also feel a jealous and possesive guy he might be. We went shopping Saturday and he walked behind me to make sure I ddin't check out all the guy that were checking me out (yes I looked great).


    Don't Indian people do that? I would have started making fun of him about it and would think seriously if dating him was worth it.


    When I was about 33 I dated this guy. When we met I thought he was in his late twenties because he seemed very mature. When we were on our third date I actually asked him and he didn't want to tell me because he had age ruin past relationships. So I asked him if he was at least 21 and he said yes. About a month later I found out that he was indeed 21 years old which was still no biggie.

    It was stuff he did that just got under my skin way too much. On one occasion we were going to one of his friends parties. We took a taxi and before we got out I gave the driver a pretty good tip. I did that because when we got into the car the guy was obviously on a break trying to eat but said he would take us anyway. As soon as I gave him the money I said keep it and jumped out of the car and crossed the street. So I'm wondering what's taking the guy I'm dating so long to get out of the car. Finally he did, the taxi pulls away, and he crosses the street to me. Then he gives me the tip money I gave to the cab driver saying something about he didn't know why I gave him more than the fare. Eventually I found out that he didn't believe in giving tips because as he said 'they don't do that in Europe' which he is not from. He was from southern California.

    I could go on but then I'd just be venting over a relationship that died about 7 years ago. Anyway, just because someone seems mature doesn't not mean they are, but since you can't judge a book by the cover then you just have to keep dating until you you do find out. Even older guys can be very immature.
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    Feb 24, 2009 2:59 AM GMT
    Cowboi,

    I've been that boy - never jealous but definitely quick to the L-Word and even worse are the trust issues. It is emotional immaturity and here's what I've learned: It scares men off. If you really like this guy and want things to work, here's my advice: LOTS OF OPEN COMMUNICATION. I never would've acted the way I did had the guys I'd been seeing just been open and honest. Relationship experience always makes a difference, and sadly you got the raw end of this deal. But that doesn't mean it needs to be ended. You'll just have to have lots of conversations about this stuff. If you cant handle that, get out quickly! Good Luck!
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Feb 24, 2009 3:24 AM GMT
    This is my bit of advise for what I use on myself.

    If I have to ask for reassurance (not guidance), it probably isn't ok. Ask yourself what you were really looking for in that post and go from there.
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    Feb 24, 2009 2:32 PM GMT
    An update: last night after he got home we talked. Well I talked he cried. I told him how I was spooked hearing the words “I love you”. How I felt they came too early. Heck that I had never said them until at least a month had passed. He cried said he meant them, and he would be lost with out me. Ok, that alone told me enough.

    I went on to talk about the jealousy issue. This is where it got ugly. He said I shouldn’t be checking out other guy, only him. Ok, that statement was enough to tell me where things were standing..

    While I felt very bad about everything, I hate making any guy cry I told him I was breaking it off. I told him in a couple days after he cooled off if he wanted to talk again we could.

    It is about how I expected it to go. He was immature beyond what I wanted in my life. I’m not ready for anyone to be saying those words that quickly and think they could mean them. I hold those words very sacred.

    I also will not tolerate the jealous. All of us if we say a hot shirtless guy running down the road would look. To tell me I shouldn’t even look very wrong of him.

    Thanks for all the advice guys. Perhaps your words also will help some other guy realize saying those words too early will run a guy off.