Is dating an old fashioned 90s thing now?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 16, 2018 4:25 AM GMT
    Is dating a 90s thing that died out with advent of social media? Has the end days of Saved by the Bell and Family Matters, changed how society treats meeting new people when there's an attraction? It seems to me...people go from meeting to married or "partnered". "Dating" is now only "talking" which lasts not much more than 2 meets before they move onto someone they can get more out of than you. Guys nowadays so quick to dismiss over nothing. Most don't even have a reason, they're just bored and use guys to boost esteem or fill a void. No dating.

    I could go into several stories of the dating experiences I've been having since I left realjock several months ago, but it would turn into a long pity party. I can however, count the number of actual "dates" I've had over the past year. As in, let's pick and place and go out somewhere as a date...and CALL IT A DATE with the INTENTION of actually dating. Probably only 1. Or 2. 3 if I think about it. Definitely not more than 5. But I've met atleast 50 guys.

    I'm starting to think maybe I don't understand dating anymore. I feel like because I never had girlfriends in middle and high school (being a closet gay n all), I think I missed out on the basic feelings and emotions that you learn to not have for someone so soon. So it's like now, I get giddy over a guy I first meet....when in reality maybe there should be no giddy feelings. Maybe meeting someone should stay so casual and platonic until you've known each other for months...before you can even begin "talking".

    That's kind of an exaggeration, but I feel it's become true. But on the flip side, it seems if you have sex with them...it doesn't work because you hooked up. If you don't have sex, it doesn't work because you get friend zoned, and any future sex becomes weird.

    I just don't get it. People say, "get to know me", but then they fold into their desire to hookup...then get mad and blame me for hooking up with them...when it was them who made the first move. Or if I don't sleep with them, they get mad at me because they never voiced their desires to begin with...and I was trying to do the right thing by "getting to know each other".

    I've got into an argument with like 5 different guys I was supposed to start "dating" since December. All due them either a) inconsistent b) standing up/flaking c)meeting up, having a great time...but then when I'm out of sight, they text to say they aren't looking for anything.

    I'm just like, at 30 years old I'm too grown for this shit. This is juvenile shit. If I was a straight black male, I'd of probably been married and building with someone by now. Yet this gay dating, It's like I'm married to bullshit and dealing with a bunch of children.
  • mhd8912

    Posts: 4

    Jan 16, 2018 5:59 AM GMT
    FuzzyPecs28 saidIs dating a 90s thing that died out with advent of social media? Has the end days of Saved by the Bell and Family Matters, changed how society treats meeting new people when there's an attraction? It seems to me...people go from meeting to married or "partnered". "Dating" is now only "talking" which lasts not much more than 2 meets before they move onto someone they can get more out of than you. Guys nowadays so quick to dismiss over nothing. Most don't even have a reason, they're just bored and use guys to boost esteem or fill a void. No dating.

    I could go into several stories of the dating experiences I've been having since I left realjock several months ago, but it would turn into a long pity party. I can however, count the number of actual "dates" I've had over the past year. As in, let's pick and place and go out somewhere as a date...and CALL IT A DATE with the INTENTION of actually dating. Probably only 1. Or 2. 3 if I think about it. Definitely not more than 5. But I've met atleast 50 guys.

    I'm starting to think maybe I don't understand dating anymore. I feel like because I never had girlfriends in middle and high school (being a closet gay n all), I think I missed out on the basic feelings and emotions that you learn to not have for someone so soon. So it's like now, I get giddy over a guy I first meet....when in reality maybe there should be no giddy feelings. Maybe meeting someone should stay so casual and platonic until you've known each other for months...before you can even begin "talking".

    That's kind of an exaggeration, but I feel it's become true. But on the flip side, it seems if you have sex with them...it doesn't work because you hooked up. If you don't have sex, it doesn't work because you get friend zoned, and any future sex becomes weird.

    I just don't get it. People say, "get to know me", but then they fold into their desire to hookup...then get mad and blame me for hooking up with them...when it was them who made the first move. Or if I don't sleep with them, they get mad at me because they never voiced their desires to begin with...and I was trying to do the right thing by "getting to know each other".

    I've got into an argument with like 5 different guys I was supposed to start "dating" since December. All due them either a) inconsistent b) standing up/flaking c)meeting up, having a great time...but then when I'm out of sight, they text to say they aren't looking for anything.

    I'm just like, at 30 years old I'm too grown for this shit. This is juvenile shit. If I was a straight black male, I'd of probably been married and building with someone by now. Yet this gay dating, It's like I'm married to bullshit and dealing with a bunch of children.


    If I could, I would like this post A LOT lol. Being close to your age, 28, I don't get it either. Last two guys that expressed "interest" in me, would ask me out to dinner and drinks but then the day of would ignore me or give me some BS reason to cancel. Maybe I'm old fashioned with my thinking but if I'm dating you then that means I see a potential future with you and I'm only interested in you but everyone seems to have a different definition of what dating is. What is so hard about being upfront and honest with someone? If you're just looking for sex then say so. If you're looking for a relationship then say so. Be upfront with your intentions. I am also guilty of getting a little giddy when meeting a guy and there possibly being something there. It's crazy how if you don't put out within the first couple of "dates" then they will move on because it comes across that you're not interested, but if you do put out early then it just never seems to develop past sex. It just seems like most men, maybe women too, just want whatever is convenient for them at time.
  • orome

    Posts: 47

    Jan 16, 2018 12:29 PM GMT
    It’s Definitely A Different Thing, But Me Being A Rebel, I’m Still “Old Fashioned” So There We Go.

    I Think The Most Important Thing Is To Be Super Clear On Where You Are And Then Let Someone Choose To Be With It Or Not By Their Actions.
  • gayv

    Posts: 236

    Jan 16, 2018 1:05 PM GMT
    I don´t think dating is an old fashioned 90s thing. I know several persons who would like to date.
    It seems communication is the key now for the relationship. Both persons should be sincere about what they want and, then, they can start the relationship knowing what they will find.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 16, 2018 1:29 PM GMT
    Guys only want seem to want to text now or use social media. They also want to stay home so they can get high with Marijuana. Frequent use of social media and texting throughout the day is also a serious addiction problem due to there use on portable devices.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 16, 2018 2:01 PM GMT
    When I was single I used a combination of both methods to date. The Internet was just being introduced, but we already had local dial-up BBS (bulletin board systems), and proprietary social services like AOL.

    Online was to set up the date, because I still wanted the actual date. I'd also date guys I met socially in RL situations, like parties, events, gay clubs & bars. To me online was merely another tool to expand my initial contacts with guys, that supplemented traditional non-computer methods. It didn't replace what I was already doing.

    I found it worked great, and really expanded my range of contacts. While at the same time allowing me to be somewhat pre-selective. A few duds, but that's always gonna be the case, no matter what technique you use. And hardly any no-shows. And then we'd have a traditional date.
  • Happenis

    Posts: 580

    Jan 16, 2018 3:06 PM GMT
    What sites or apps have you used?

    Have you tried OKCupid? The ONLY site where I met serious guys that were around my age was OKCupid (including my current boyfriend).

    I agree that most people aren't as romantic as they used to be and just want to "chill and see what happens". I remember struggling with the same thing including all of the games (ex: "I'm busy", "my grandma conveniently died", "my phone conveniently broke", "I have no money for the bus", telling you they're not interested in a relationship but writing it in their profile, ignoring texts, extreme attitude changes after dates instead of just saying theyre not interested, guys going back on the dating site after a seemingly great date, etc).
  • orome

    Posts: 47

    Jan 16, 2018 9:55 PM GMT
    mx5guynj saidGuys only want seem to want to text now or use social media. They also want to stay home so they can get high with Marijuana. Frequent use of social media and texting throughout the day is also a serious addiction problem due to there use on portable devices.


    I’d Have To Disagree.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1329

    Jan 17, 2018 12:31 AM GMT
    Is not ONLY gay men, my friend! women are ten times more incline to be the same! so say my straight friends!
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1329

    Jan 17, 2018 12:39 AM GMT
    Happenis saidWhat sites or apps have you used?

    Have you tried OKCupid? The ONLY site where I met serious guys that were around my age was OKCupid (including my current boyfriend).

    I agree that most people aren't as romantic as they used to be and just want to "chill and see what happens". I remember struggling with the same thing including all of the games (ex: "I'm busy", "my grandma conveniently died", "my phone conveniently broke", "I have no money for the bus", telling you they're not interested in a relationship but writing it in their profile, ignoring texts, extreme attitude changes after dates instead of just saying theyre not interested, guys going back on the dating site after a seemingly great date, etc).


    Psst...I'll tell you a little inside secret about OKCupid! I have a friend who works for them. He told me even though I deleted my OkCupid account, I am the only one who see it being deleted; however my profile is still active in their database for others to see!?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 17, 2018 12:53 AM GMT
    There's little difference between dating in the 90s and dating today. It's the same human condition: people claim that they want to date, but then do all possible to disprove this. As well, why should they date you when they are looking for someone better i.e. their idealized version of who they think they should have. It is sad, but 60 years later and alone, they are still looking for this better person, but then decide to become a sugar daddy for some twenty something year old...

    OY... the foibles of humans.
  • Happenis

    Posts: 580

    Jan 17, 2018 1:55 AM GMT
    LEANDRO_NJ said
    Happenis saidWhat sites or apps have you used?

    Have you tried OKCupid? The ONLY site where I met serious guys that were around my age was OKCupid (including my current boyfriend).

    I agree that most people aren't as romantic as they used to be and just want to "chill and see what happens". I remember struggling with the same thing including all of the games (ex: "I'm busy", "my grandma conveniently died", "my phone conveniently broke", "I have no money for the bus", telling you they're not interested in a relationship but writing it in their profile, ignoring texts, extreme attitude changes after dates instead of just saying theyre not interested, guys going back on the dating site after a seemingly great date, etc).


    Psst...I'll tell you a little inside secret about OKCupid! I have a friend who works for them. He told me even though I deleted my OkCupid account, I am the only one who see it being deleted; however my profile is still active in their database for others to see!?


    Interesting.

    A few years aho, I've deleted my OkCupid on several occasions and then made new ones but never saw the old ones.. but I guess anything's possible.

    In 30 years, it would be hilarious to see my old messy dating profile again lol
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 17, 2018 2:59 AM GMT
    30! You're so young --- don't despair (says this 56-year-old). I was between relationships for four years and found plenty of guys who were interested in dating. I agree with others who have mentioned OKCupid as the best site if that's what you're looking for. Several of the guys that i had one or more dates with that didn't progress to a relationship have nevertheless become friends.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1329

    Jan 17, 2018 3:16 AM GMT
    Happenis said
    LEANDRO_NJ said
    Happenis saidWhat sites or apps have you used?

    Have you tried OKCupid? The ONLY site where I met serious guys that were around my age was OKCupid (including my current boyfriend).

    I agree that most people aren't as romantic as they used to be and just want to "chill and see what happens". I remember struggling with the same thing including all of the games (ex: "I'm busy", "my grandma conveniently died", "my phone conveniently broke", "I have no money for the bus", telling you they're not interested in a relationship but writing it in their profile, ignoring texts, extreme attitude changes after dates instead of just saying theyre not interested, guys going back on the dating site after a seemingly great date, etc).


    Psst...I'll tell you a little inside secret about OKCupid! I have a friend who works for them. He told me even though I deleted my OkCupid account, I am the only one who see it being deleted; however my profile is still active in their database for others to see!?


    Interesting.

    A few years aho, I've deleted my OkCupid on several occasions and then made new ones but never saw the old ones.. but I guess anything's possible.

    In 30 years, it would be hilarious to see my old messy dating profile again lol


    They run the show my friend! they have full control who can you see or see you! actually online dating websites is all a big tease!
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1329

    Jan 17, 2018 5:28 AM GMT
    Fuzzypecs28 forget about how others react towards you and concentrate on
    how you react to others! as someone have already commented is better to be
    blunt and upfront as to what you are looking for on the very first day of the
    date; so that way you both know if you are on the same page!? don't waste
    your time impressing your date, just be yourself!

    In your particular situation, because of your physical attractiveness, if your
    date don't feel any vibes with you, they'll probably want to hookup with
    you anyway! unfortunately that is how cynical single people have become
    these days. Besides that kind of reaction is one of the minuses or pluses
    that comes with the territory of being attractive.

    The fact that you get giddy is quite natural to feel that way whenever you
    meet someone new! take it as a sign that you are an enthusiastic person,
    and that is a good thing!

    Personally for me dating have a whole different twist! these days I no
    longer call it dating, but rather a way to develop a friendship. If we both
    mutually click as "friends" I let time take its course, without rushing
    it to sex. Try it, you'll be surprise how much easier is to fall into a
    relationship or at being sexually comparable, when you develop a
    deep friendship first! Good luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 17, 2018 6:03 PM GMT
    I think the internet has turned how we date upside down. It used to be that in the course of living your life, you came across people you were really attracted to, and you dated them to find out if they would make a good BF/GF/partner/husband/wife. Now, you look at dating sites and are presented with a bunch of (in theory) factual information about a person, and you get together with them or date them to see whether there is any chemistry or attraction between you, and any basis for building a relationship. I'm not the one to say which is better, this is just how I see it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 17, 2018 7:05 PM GMT
    Homosocial before Homosexual: no, dating is not old fashioined, it's sensible.
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    Jan 18, 2018 7:16 AM GMT
    Thanks everyone for the uplifting replies. Again, I wish this forum was better laid out and not so 1990s itself, because I feel bad I can't quote or like people individually icon_eek.gif I would pay RJ $20/month to have a better interface because you guys rock (sometimes, it's a lot of haters here too, but seems like most have left lol).

    Anyhow...back to the the topic. Now that I've been thinking and reading, it sounds like I need to do the following:

    1) no sex for 3 dates
    2) try to be friends first
    3) start seeing guys as just very platonic at first

    I have an issue with all 3 lol. I break those rules all the time. It sucks because I know better. I have studied dating for years, but my problem is I can't control myself when I'm around a guy. I try to go with the flow, but hanging out turns to drinking which turns to smoking pot (which I don't do, it's usually them doing it) which turns into kissing which turns into sucking which either leads to fucking or never seeing them again. Not having sex makes me feel I'm going to be friend zoned (which I guess is necessary according to one member), and I feel a better connection with someone after something intimate.

    I feel like I really need to see a good therapist sometimes that deals with gay dating issues lol.

    And I'm just going to be real. No hiding anymore: I'm an escort. However, it seems like I can have sex with a client on a first meet....and have a great friendship/business partner with them for months and years. Whereas regular run of the mill gay bar/Grindr/scruff guys flake after having sex one or two times. I don't get it.

    It seems like there's almost 2 different worlds of gay. There's the games and BS of the gay bar/scene/app guys, then there's this other life of upscale gay guys who are not in the scene and can handle hooking up with the same guy once every few weeks/months...but yet don't play the games that the guys who seem to always be out there do. Weird.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 18, 2018 9:01 AM GMT
    Dating sucks anyway? Why would you subject yourself to that?
  • Ubeaut

    Posts: 242

    Jan 18, 2018 10:52 AM GMT
    I simply treat dates as an event to have some fun with someone, whether that's having a coffee, a beer, a meal, watching a flick or going for a hike.

    During that having fun together it's nice to find out more about each other. It's certainly nothing to get worried about.

    If you've had 3 dates and not met someone compatible for a LTR, well that was a great weeding out exercise, plan your next date.

    PS don't criticise them for their food choices, that's about the least important thing about someone.

  • Happenis

    Posts: 580

    Jan 18, 2018 12:07 PM GMT
    FuzzyPecs28 saidThanks everyone for the uplifting replies. Again, I wish this forum was better laid out and not so 1990s itself, because I feel bad I can't quote or like people individually icon_eek.gif I would pay RJ $20/month to have a better interface because you guys rock (sometimes, it's a lot of haters here too, but seems like most have left lol).

    Anyhow...back to the the topic. Now that I've been thinking and reading, it sounds like I need to do the following:

    1) no sex for 3 dates
    2) try to be friends first
    3) start seeing guys as just very platonic at first

    I have an issue with all 3 lol. I break those rules all the time. It sucks because I know better. I have studied dating for years, but my problem is I can't control myself when I'm around a guy. I try to go with the flow, but hanging out turns to drinking which turns to smoking pot (which I don't do, it's usually them doing it) which turns into kissing which turns into sucking which either leads to fucking or never seeing them again. Not having sex makes me feel I'm going to be friend zoned (which I guess is necessary according to one member), and I feel a better connection with someone after something intimate.

    I feel like I really need to see a good therapist sometimes that deals with gay dating issues lol.

    And I'm just going to be real. No hiding anymore: I'm an escort. However, it seems like I can have sex with a client on a first meet....and have a great friendship/business partner with them for months and years. Whereas regular run of the mill gay bar/Grindr/scruff guys flake after having sex one or two times. I don't get it.

    It seems like there's almost 2 different worlds of gay. There's the games and BS of the gay bar/scene/app guys, then there's this other life of upscale gay guys who are not in the scene and can handle hooking up with the same guy once every few weeks/months...but yet don't play the games that the guys who seem to always be out there do. Weird.


    Definitely don't have sex too early. If you give it up too early (as well as reveal too much about yourself too early) then you become far less interesting to guys over the long run since they've already "figured you out".

    You should definitely tell a guy the basics of what you're looking for in a relationship and the basics of your personality but the key is to stay as mysterious as long as possible so that a guy could stay curious about you and actually want to see you again to further discover. Think about it, successful TV shows usually end on cliff-hangers before the commercial break and as a result - People are FAR more likely to "stay tuned"... same logic in dating. Yes, this is technically a version of "playing games" but you have to be strategic about things.

    Moral of the story is to BE A PRIZE! (not just another "expendable uninteresting easy horny gay dude out there"). When you market yourself as a "catch", "prize" or a good catch then guys instantly attach a higher value to you.

    Also, I don't think there's anything wrong with being friend-zoned in the gay world. There's such slim-pickings in the gay community that the same guy who friend-zoned you would probably eventually consider a relationship with you again after they go through countless dates with other guys that turned out horribly and then realize that you're their best bet.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 18, 2018 2:31 PM GMT
    Don’t make a list of rules. Every guy is different. Every vibe is different.

    I hate going on dates and the other guy insisting on “no sex on the first date!” as well as there being pressure and insistence on “sex now!”

    I’ve had relationships that started out as a hookup, a come over now and let’s fuck hookup. Not even a drink first!
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    Jan 18, 2018 6:24 PM GMT
    Trollisha saidDating sucks anyway? Why would you subject yourself to that?


    Cause if you want to find a prince, you may have to kiss 1,000 frogs first (OK, maybe only 100 - and maybe trolls - not frogs)
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    Jan 18, 2018 7:35 PM GMT
    Well here's my reason for list of rules:

    A week before Christmas, I met this guy at the bar. I went up to him and we later exchanged numbers and few days later all hung out at his place with his roommate and friends (I shoulda known because they were all white and he's black...and I felt like he was only going to try me out and then find a ridiculous excuse to ditch). Even though I could tell he was being somewhat "hard to get" aka flaky when it came down to meeting up the second time...there was enough chemistry going on to where after hanging with his friends, he kissed me (started with a shotgun of him blowing pot in my mouth) which later lead to fooling around briefly in the bedroom (lil sucky sucky). Then in the middle of it, he like instantly had a change of heart like he didn't want to be doing it.

    Then the next day he sent me a message saying he's not feeling me and to basically "enjoy my journey in Phoenix" total bullshit. It made me wish I'd never done it.

    On the other hand...I've had guys I've not slept with for several times, then the opportunity presents itself and I don't give in...and they still don't stick around which makes me regret NOT doing it after all. So idk.

    And then the other part about dating I don't like: is when guys make their time more important than my time and waste it. For example, a guy I've not seen for nearly two years finally came around. But the "meet" consisted of him flying in as a flight attendant, and then picking him and his coworker up from target. Then going back to the hotel, with some cheap $3 TV dinner and talking for an hour, showering together but then he wanted to play games and act like he had jerked off 3 times already that day and didn't wanna do anything. This is after I had drove 128 miles out of way back to Phoenix to see his ass, and then changed my plans with a client and another friend. Then after all that, the next day I ask when can we next see each other, he makes up some excuse about he just bought an investment house and that's taking up all his time. Something that was never so much as even mentioned in person.

    I HATE when people waste my time like that. It's like those first dates that come by, and then almost like do and look and see for 10 minutes and leave. I don't have time for that shit.
  • transient

    Posts: 447

    Jan 19, 2018 7:33 PM GMT
    Maybe your fucking these people around too, having sex just because your horny but not interested in the dating or relationship you say you want.

    Your getting back exactly what you give...this applies to your other post I replied too.