Anxiety and Attachment over somebody I haven`t met, yet.

  • LucaLeeCharme

    Posts: 2

    Jan 16, 2018 1:28 PM GMT
    Hi everybody, I am new to this forum, I apologize in advance for any mistake in my writing but English is not my mothertongue.

    I`ll try to summarize as much as possible...I`m a guy from Italy, I`ve met online more than 1 month ago an interesting man who lives on the other side of the world but he`ll come visiting my city next month and we will meet...I`ll say in advance that of course I saw his pictures already and he saw mine, since that day we speak everyday on the phone for at least 2 hours despite 11 hours of time difference...

    We have so much in common but we are very diffent at the same time, we talk about everything, we even discussed eventually if we liked each other like we do on the phone to go visit him as a holiday to go further knowing each other after we meet here in person and eventually who knows...

    The thing is that I shut down my emotions for seven years so far, and since I`ve been talking to him it`s like that he`s been able just over the phone to open my feelings pandora box, now they are overwelming me...calls are getting a bit more infrequent, if one day we don`t talk to each other on the phone I start being gloomy and having negative talking in my head, I try to control it but sometimes like today it has the best on me...

    All of this is just crazy, feeling like this for somebody I just speak to the phone with...but with no doubt expectations are already in made, and sometimes unsureness drives me crazy....all of this scares me `cause I didn`t know there was still so much to work on about myself which I thought I already done.

    I woul like some tips and advice to live this situation in the healthiest mode possible, being able to put anxiety away and detach `til I meet him

    Sometimes I feel like everything depends on this, maybe because afterwards I would be back to nothing, I know all this thinking of mine is so wrong and that`s why it scares me so much.
  • Happenis

    Posts: 581

    Jan 16, 2018 4:41 PM GMT
    Try dating other guys too since at least your focus just wouldn't just be on one guy.

    So if he went away or lost interest (which is sadly very likely for international dating) then at least you would have other dating prospects to fall back on And wouldn't be too heart broken.
  • bro4bro

    Posts: 2115

    Jan 16, 2018 5:09 PM GMT
    The most important thing to remember is that you don't really know this guy. When you meet someone online it's like seeing only a very small piece of him, like looking through a keyhole. Your mind fills in all the missing pieces with fantasy. It's good that you have had many long phone conversations but you don't know what it will be like to actually meet him and spend time with him. You probably already have a very strong image of who he is but I guarantee he will not be exactly like you imagine him to be. He won't look quite the same. He won't act quite the same. He may turn out to be even better than you imagined, but probably not - because in your mind's fantasy he's exactly who you want him to be.

    When I meet someone interesting online I usually try to meet in person as soon as possible so neither of us has time to build up an unrealistic fantasy about the other. It's not possible for you since you live so far apart, so I recommend you keep in mind that he is not the person you fantasize him to be. You don't know him yet, so you need to give him a chance to be himself and let you see him for who he really is, and don't be too disappointed if he isn't exactly the way you imagined.

    If you haven't already, try to have a video chat (on Skype or something similar) before you meet. It's a little more realistic than a phone conversation.

    Good luck!
  • LucaLeeCharme

    Posts: 2

    Jan 16, 2018 6:45 PM GMT
    bro4bro saidThe most important thing to remember is that you don't really know this guy. When you meet someone online it's like seeing only a very small piece of him, like looking through a keyhole. Your mind fills in all the missing pieces with fantasy. It's good that you have had many long phone conversations but you don't know what it will be like to actually meet him and spend time with him. You probably already have a very strong image of who he is but I guarantee he will not be exactly like you imagine him to be. He won't look quite the same. Be won't act quite the same. He may turn out to be even better than you imagined, but probably not - because in your mind's fantasy he's exactly who you want him to be.

    When I meet someone interesting online I usually try to meet in person as soon as possible so neither of us has time to build up an unrealistic fantasy about the other. It's not possible for you since you live so far apart, so I recommend you keep in mind that he is not the person you fantasize him to be. You don't know him yet, so you need to give him a chance to be himself and let you see him for who he really is, and don't be too disappointed if he isn't exactly the way you imagined.

    If you haven't already, try to have a video chat (on Skype or something similar) before you meet. It's a little more realistic than a phone conversation.

    Good luck!


    I agree in all that u said, my rational mind knows all this of course, I`m 30 not exactly a baby lol that`s why it`s freaking me out, this side of me scares me and I thought I did get over it...the thing is what scares me the most is not about him so much maybe, it`s about me...`cause wether this guy or another one that is going to show up in the future if this is my way to reacting to love then it`s not sane and I need to work on it somehow, I just don`t know how, otherwise the same scenario will repeat.

    It may sound crazy, but here in Italy we have a show with a transexual tarot reader which gives u over the phone a free question, I already have asked her in the past about a different matter and she was right. Last April I asked her about future love and she told me somebody, Aquarius or Pesces will show up by the end of 2017 and will change my life, a positive influence in my life...then he appeared in the last days of December, he found me somewhere online, Aquarius...I know it sounds silly but at least I gave u an explanation why I`m making all of this a big deal. This online stuff of getting to know each other on the phone or whatever is not like me, I haven`t been doing this since like 10 years and I didn`t expect all of this at all.

    My insecurities are coming out again, so sometimes I act weird on the phone, consequently he goes weird too and the last conversations were kind of bittersweet...and I tell myself that I`m a f.cking idiot

  • bro4bro

    Posts: 2115

    Jan 17, 2018 12:30 AM GMT
    I don't think you're an idiot. It's very easy to become attached to someone you meet online because he seems perfect. I think every single guy experiences this from time to time, whether it's a new guy you met online or in real life. You hope this will turn out to be someone special who will change your life. You just have to remember that he seems perfect because your mind constructed him that way, and he probably isn't so perfect in real life.

    Usually these attachments with far away guys you meet online don't last too long. Eventually you or he will probably become frustrated because you can't be together in real life. But if you can both stay interested until you're able to meet, maybe it will turn out to be something good.

    Just don't pass up other good opportunities while you're waiting for a guy who you don't really know yet. You already recognize the situation you're in so I don't think you need to worry. Trust your own judgment more than what a tarot card reader says. Take things as they come and you'll be fine.
  • 24hourguy

    Posts: 477

    Jan 17, 2018 3:57 AM GMT
    @bro4bro great advise!