Why are (many) (gay) Black guys so fickle and disrespectful...toward OTHER BLACK GUYS like me?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 19, 2018 5:18 AM GMT
    In my plight to associate myself around more gay black men (because you know, it's good to have people to relate to and also not always be the token black guy of a group of friends, etc)...I've just keep getting let down and played time after time again.

    However, I'm finding I'm hardly relating to ANY of these dudes. The most common things seem to be: a lack of commitment from other gay black men to make plans, and almost like an overall disinterest in me. The fickle part comes because so many of these guys have taken my phone number, or seemed interested in making plans, only to drop off or just not follow up at all.

    Years ago, I used to complain about white guys doing these things. But that was just in one particular city I was in, and it also were various situations that I realized weren't conducive anyway. Now things have changed. The gay black guys no matter where or how I meet them...most always either have this "I don't give a fuck about YOUR feelings" attitude, or they come off nice initially, only to play games later and then get defensive when they get called out on it.

    I'm just like, what's up with this newfound hate. It didn't used to be like that growing up in the gay scene. But now, especially when you talk about western and southern states (Arizona, Colorado, Tennessee, etc.), it's almost like if a gay black dude doesn't know another gay black dude from some social tie (or not), it's an aura of intimidation involved.

    I can say I've tried to befriend atleast a dozen gay black dudes in the past year. All of them ended with the other gay black guy being flaky and phony as fuck, and me getting annoyed and wondering what the fuck happened.

    And this may be taking things a bit far. But the level of "sellout" I've experienced from some black dudes is why I am starting to believe slavery wasn't just a white man thing. I think Whites only capitalised on the oppurtunity that blacks were already doing to one another. It's like when last year, one gay black guy got so mad that his friends invited me to a cabin weekend..,he threatened to call the cops on me and have me arrested, along with "kicking my ass". Sounds like something I'd expect from other guys, but not another gay black dude.

    White Guys. Black guys. Latino guys. Help me out with the questions.
  • MuchoMasQueMu...

    Posts: 1583

    Jan 19, 2018 7:29 AM GMT
    FuzzyPecs28 said

    And this may be taking things a bit far. But the level of "sellout" I've experienced from some black dudes is why I am starting to believe slavery wasn't just a white man thing. I think Whites only capitalised on the oppurtunity that blacks were already doing to one another. It's like when last year, one gay black guy got so mad that his friends invited me to a cabin weekend..,he threatened to call the cops on me and have me arrested, along with "kicking my ass". Sounds like something I'd expect from other guys, but not another gay black dude.


    What do you mean by "sellout?" And explain what you mean about the black guy getting so mad that he was threatening to call the police. Was it out of jealousy? Not clear.
  • northbeach

    Posts: 290

    Jan 19, 2018 7:56 AM GMT
    MMTM is ready and waiting to help you denounce black people... OP just give him SOMETHING to work with! icon_lol.gif
  • Happenis

    Posts: 608

    Jan 19, 2018 12:53 PM GMT
    Ooh, this is a sensitive topic. I hate to admit this because I know that we get enough gripe in this world but I would only be lying if I said that my experiences were not similar to yours.

    All of my life, i've found that so many of them loved "throwing shade", "reading me" and saying slick things that get under my skin (this includes classmates, gay cousins, etc). If you watch films like "Paris is Burning" (1990) then you'll learn that a lot of this nonsense comes from urban gay ballroom sub-culture where people throw shade, read each other to filth and compete with each other for sport as a lifestyle.

    In the past, i've always wanted to associate myself with and date other gay black men but I've always struggled to get along with them since most were either:
    - The DL type who wanted me as their "dirty little secret".
    - The shady/messy drama type mentioned above
    - Not interested in dating within their race (when I was on dating apps, I found that black men themselves were actually the most likely ones to write"no black guys" on their profiles; so same-race dating was actually harder than interracial dating for me!)

    I find that the more-effeminate gays of every group are likely to try and emulate and exaggerate the negative *stereotypical* attitudes/behaviors of women of their race.

    With this all being said, i'm not trying to imply that gay men of other races are all perfect and kiss up to them. I've definitely encountered a lot of crappy dudes in all racial groups; it's just that I personally also had an exceptionally hard time getting along with others in my group. As a result, i'm now with a white boy (in a successful long-term relationship). I'm glad that my life is almost completely free of shade, drama, sassiness, messiness and other BS.

    (Note: By gay black men, im only referring to gay african american men (not gay african men, gay black caribbean men or gay black men from other cultures). I also can only speak on my personal experiences in the northeast USA...maybe other regions are different? I don't know.)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 19, 2018 4:05 PM GMT
    Come to Canada. Everyone is nice here.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 19, 2018 4:17 PM GMT
    hey big man.

    black self hatred is a natural outcome of being oppressed. the oppressed always internalize the oppression. read "black skin, white masks" by fanon. he breaks it down brilliantly.

    black self hatred reflects white hatred of blacks. cannot blame blacks for being oppressed. you can hold us responsible for not recognizing the disease and taking steps to fix it....like going to a black shrink. there are hundreds of black shrinks in the US who work on black self hatred issues. just as you avoid racists (antiblack), avoid self-hating blacks. and don't hold blacks to higher standards than others. that is racist and self hating. this "work twice as hard" bullshit is self hating. it has not meaning. what? 80 hours a week of work? doing 80 hours of work in 40 hours? that is by definition impossible. and if it were possible, what a fool...you would essentially be paying yourself half of what is already a lower salary than your white peers. the white man would really be pleased by that foolishness. why on earth would you want to work twice as hard as anyone, anyway?. you would only live half as long...and our life expectancy is already lower because of racism and socioeconomics.


    go read the complaints of straight women about guys in general. the behavior is the same. it is the same across sexual preference groups. we are human beings, and we are flakey, loving, honest, lying, weak, strong, friendly, hateful, etc. gays are no different in that regard, even though black gays have to contend with more than just racism on all fronts.

    dont force friendship. it happens. most of the time feelings are not mutual. dont take it personally. and you can save yourself trouble by observing your friendship target. does he defer to whites? are all his "friends" white? does he not interact with blacks? these are clear signals. does he use the N word? another self hating signal. you have to discriminate amongst us as well as amongst everyone else.

    perhaps we can become friends. i have lost several friends in the last several years, and i have room for a new friend. give it some thought. give me a shout if you want.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 19, 2018 5:01 PM GMT
    Dear OP How long have you been in your plight to associate yourself around more gay black men? Which is worse for you being a token or getting let down and played time after time again?
  • transient

    Posts: 472

    Jan 19, 2018 7:08 PM GMT
    I have many friends of all races, cultures, sexuality, religion, class and ages.

    I pick and choose my friends and generally only stick with the people who have a good heart, are looking after me in the same way I look after for them.

    I dont define them by race, or any other divisive description - OP, you seem to define mist things in terms of race&sexuality.

    Theres cunts everywhere - every race, every culture and every shade of sexuality......some reason the cunts are attracted to you.

    Your giving out some vibe that they are picking up on so they realise they can play you.
  • MuchoMasQueMu...

    Posts: 1583

    Jan 19, 2018 7:40 PM GMT
    Ebonynote saidhey big man.

    black self hatred is a natural outcome of being oppressed. the oppressed always internalize the oppression. read "black skin, white masks" by fanon. he breaks it down brilliantly.

    black self hatred reflects white hatred of blacks. cannot blame blacks for being oppressed. you can hold us responsible for not recognizing the disease and taking steps to fix it....like going to a black shrink. there are hundreds of black shrinks in the US who work on black self hatred issues. just as you avoid racists (antiblack), avoid self-hating blacks. and don't hold blacks to higher standards than others. that is racist and self hating. this "work twice as hard" bullshit is self hating. it has not meaning. what? 80 hours a week of work? doing 80 hours of work in 40 hours? that is by definition impossible. and if it were possible, what a fool...you would essentially be paying yourself half of what is already a lower salary than your white peers. the white man would really be pleased by that foolishness. why on earth would you want to work twice as hard as anyone, anyway?. you would only live half as long...and our life expectancy is already lower because of racism and socioeconomics.


    You oversimplify the reasons why blacks have a more difficult time in the US. It's also clear that there's no accountability for the life choices people make that can be influenced by one's own subculture. In comparison, other minorities have faced discrimination but move forward. Why is that? When you analyze the statistics you see the variables that can influence socio-economic struggles.

    Here is a chart showing the number of children being raised in single parent homes:

    http://datacenter.kidscount.org/data/tables/107-children-in-single-parent-families-by#detailed/1/any/false/573,869,36,868,867/10,11,9,12,1,185,13/432,431

    Granted, it does state below the numbers that some of these children actually do have both parents cohabiting but that they're not legally married so that it doesn't count. But look at the number for blacks compared to non-Hispanic whites. Over six million for blacks and almost nine million for whites. Yet blacks only make up 13% of the US population. That's insanely disproportionate.

    If you do a casual internet search you'll find lots of articles attempting to debunk father absence as a myth. Here's one such article:
    https://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/08/opinion/charles-blow-black-dads-are-doing-the-best-of-all.html

    But if you read that article it's clear how the author contradicts himself multiple times.

    “There are about 2.5 million black fathers living with their children and about 1.7 million living apart from them.”

    The quote above is supposed to be favorable to support the author's claims that black fathers are doing the best of all. But the numbers above make it clear that more than half of all black children living apart from there fathers.

    He continues to defend his argument by favorably quoting the author who refers to black men who have children with multiple mothers are "serial impregnators." Therefore insinuating that since it's impossible for black men to be in multiple places at the same time they are exempt from any accountability.

    He continues to use Ferguson, MO as a favorable example citing that roughly there are more than two black females for every one available black male. He explains that this is due to higher incarceration rates for blacks. But that's not a valid excuse that supports his stance. In can explain the problem but when people commit crimes and get caught they get apprehended. What does the author expect to happen? That these men get a slap on the wrist and told to behave and be released?

    Here is a video with Heather Mad Donald elaborating on some facts far too many people want to avoid or sweep under the carpet:



    It's not my intention to hijack this thread with crime statistics by race. But when you sit at your keyboard and want to blame whites for the problems that blacks today in current time face it doesn't add up. "White hatred of blacks?" That's so childish. People within a community are going to have to own up and admit to themselves and say, "Hey! Look at my own actions. I'm not treating others well. But I'm now going to make that change and take accountability for what I do from this day onward."

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 19, 2018 7:49 PM GMT
    Wyndahoi saidCome to Canada. Everyone is nice here.

    Sadly thanks to the current PM, Canada has lost its way.
  • Happenis

    Posts: 608

    Jan 19, 2018 8:51 PM GMT
    Also, it might not help that you live in Atlanta. Atlanta is known by many as a gay black mecca but there's a YouTuber called "Walter Lee Hampton" who has lived in Atlanta most of his life and says that its a horrible place for black people to start or maintain relationships with each other. I've heard similar testimonials from gay black men from the ATL too.

  • mybud

    Posts: 14221

    Jan 19, 2018 9:47 PM GMT
    I don't believe this mindset is restricted to gay African-Americans males. Many gays are mental flakes when it comes to making social commitments. A lot of gay men will shun life long friends when they enter into a relationship....Once...they counted on your friendship...Now they see your friendship as a convenience....Sad, but true.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 19, 2018 10:02 PM GMT
    mybud said A lot of gay men will shun life long friends when they enter into a relationship.....


    A lot of heteros do the same thing...let's be honest.
  • MuchoMasQueMu...

    Posts: 1583

    Jan 19, 2018 11:10 PM GMT
    mybud saidI don't believe this mindset is restricted to gay African-Americans males. Many gays are mental flakes when it comes to making social commitments. A lot of gay men will shun life long friends when they enter into a relationship....Once...they counted on your friendship...Now they see your friendship as a convenience....Sad, but true.


    Everyone does this, it's not exclusive to gays.
  • mybud

    Posts: 14221

    Jan 19, 2018 11:23 PM GMT
    MuchoMasQueMusculo said
    mybud saidI don't believe this mindset is restricted to gay African-Americans males. Many gays are mental flakes when it comes to making social commitments. A lot of gay men will shun life long friends when they enter into a relationship....Once...they counted on your friendship...Now they see your friendship as a convenience....Sad, but true.


    Everyone does this, it's not exclusive to gays.
    I said a lot ..nothing regarding exclusively....
  • jlars12

    Posts: 111

    Jan 20, 2018 1:09 AM GMT
    Pretty sure this is more of a gay thing than a black thing, and definitely more of a gay thing than a straight thing. It's a defense mechanism - the bullied become bullies usually. Many gays, defiant and rejecting heteronormative expectations, also throw out the decency part.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 20, 2018 1:10 AM GMT
    As I was reading your post, I thought it merited a serious response. Then I reached the last paragraph and I read this:"And this may be taking things a bit far. But the level of "sellout" I've experienced from some black dudes is why I am starting to believe slavery wasn't just a white man thing." So it appears to me that the men you are interested in have gotten together with white guys and this has pissed you off. With a world view like this, the problem isn't gay black men who are not into you - the problem is you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 20, 2018 3:04 AM GMT
    I think it´s a very good question.
    Unhappily, some gay men don´t join forces and we see prejudice and shade within our community. I see muscled men throwing shade at men who aren´t.
    This is an issue that needs to be discussed. But my advice is: stay with persons who like you, black or white.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 20, 2018 3:50 AM GMT
    I think you're describing a large % of gays, regardless of race. It's frequently mistaken for "out and proud".
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 20, 2018 8:40 AM GMT
    It has nothing to do with self hatred, it's much more ancient and primitive than that. It has everything to to do with desire or coveting. People want what is not there's and they Envy everything about everyone else who has something they don't have. And they HATE them for it.
  • LostSailor

    Posts: 237

    Jan 20, 2018 8:30 PM GMT
    Happenis saidAlso, it might not help that you live in Atlanta.

    That's the problem right there.
    I'm black...I've been to Atlanta...I know.
    Never again.
    I don't care how many gay black guys live there..it's fucking EVIL.
    Something in the air over there than makes for bad gay black guys.

  • bifocaled

    Posts: 105

    Jan 20, 2018 9:46 PM GMT
    jlars12 saidPretty sure this is more of a gay thing than a black thing, and definitely more of a gay thing than a straight thing. It's a defense mechanism - the bullied become bullies usually. Many gays, defiant and rejecting heteronormative expectations, also throw out the decency part.


    mx5guynj saidI think you're describing a large % of gays, regardless of race. It's frequently mistaken for "out and proud".


    Agree with these two posts
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 22, 2018 12:11 PM GMT
    Look, my comment was not meant to be exhaustive. I was addressing the self-hatred issue. As to hatred of Blacks, all you have to do is read the papers every day. 75% of terrorist acts in the US are perpetrated by white nationalists. The current administration will have you think it is Muslims and Latinos south of the border who are the problem. That is a significant fact that speaks volumes. Have you followed what has been going on in DC lately? Have a gander at this:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGVtpffDa1M

    Who brings in the dope to the US? The Mexicans? A little bit...but it is the big players who fly the stuff in by the ton from all over the world. And by submarine too. Who has access to those sorts of resources besides Wall Street types? Not many....but that is orthogonal to this discussion....

    Mind you, hatred doesn't have to be blatant. It can take the form of vicious unfairness. As an undergraduate in my first physics laboratory course, I had two lab mates: one from TelAviv, the other from Dublin. Both are white. We submitted separate lab write-ups. They got 9, 10 and I got a 7 out of 10. After that happened twice, my lab partners had a look at my lab reports and were perplexed by the grading disparity. I, of course, knew the deal but said nothing. Ms. Tel Aviv suggested that I submit her lab report and she submit mine. Well, wouldn't you know it, she got a 10 and I got a 7. She was stunned, as was my Irish lab mate. Neither had ever seen racism up close and personal, but they both had studied it in school. So the Irish guy, who had gotten a 9 on the second lab report, suggested I submit his lab report and he submitted mine. He got a 10, and I got a 6. This is the hatred I am talking about. I am not talking about cross burnings or being called shithole. Did we take it to the professor? Hell no. The guy wouldn't give me the time of day - never made eye contact, and refused to call on me in class. We already knew where that was going. The Israeli lady went to her class dean and told him about the experiment we conducted and asked how to file a discrimination complaint to the academic standing committee against the instructor. She was told that the three of us would be charged with cheating and could be expelled if we filed. This is the kind of hatred I am talking about. Btw, the two of them got an A in the lab course, I got a B. I rest my case.....I can provide hundreds more examples....which I am in a collection of short stories about what hate really is in the USA. This is white hatred of blacks. Pure and simple. And it goes on every single fucking day. Today, the Irish guy is a distinguished physics professor at a top 5 school. I had dinner with him several months ago. He told me that in the last two decades on the faculty and having served on very powerful committees - mostly all white - "Minorities get fucked over each and every day and do not even realize it. Don't have a clue because they are excluded from the committees that matter. I am ashamed to be a part of this "distinguished" institution.


    MuchoMasQueMusculo said
    Ebonynote saidhey big man.

    black self hatred is a natural outcome of being oppressed. the oppressed always internalize the oppression. read "black skin, white masks" by fanon. he breaks it down brilliantly.

    black self hatred reflects white hatred of blacks. cannot blame blacks for being oppressed. you can hold us responsible for not recognizing the disease and taking steps to fix it....like going to a black shrink. there are hundreds of black shrinks in the US who work on black self hatred issues. just as you avoid racists (antiblack), avoid self-hating blacks. and don't hold blacks to higher standards than others. that is racist and self hating. this "work twice as hard" bullshit is self hating. it has not meaning. what? 80 hours a week of work? doing 80 hours of work in 40 hours? that is by definition impossible. and if it were possible, what a fool...you would essentially be paying yourself half of what is already a lower salary than your white peers. the white man would really be pleased by that foolishness. why on earth would you want to work twice as hard as anyone, anyway?. you would only live half as long...and our life expectancy is already lower because of racism and socioeconomics.


    You oversimplify the reasons why blacks have a more difficult time in the US. It's also clear that there's no accountability for the life choices people make that can be influenced by one's own subculture. In comparison, other minorities have faced discrimination but move forward. Why is that? When you analyze the statistics you see the variables that can influence socio-economic struggles.

    Here is a chart showing the number of children being raised in single parent homes:

    http://datacenter.kidscount.org/data/tables/107-children-in-single-parent-families-by#detailed/1/any/false/573,869,36,868,867/10,11,9,12,1,185,13/432,431

    Granted, it does state below the numbers that some of these children actually do have both parents cohabiting but that they're not legally married so that it doesn't count. But look at the number for blacks compared to non-Hispanic whites. Over six million for blacks and almost nine million for whites. Yet blacks only make up 13% of the US population. That's insanely disproportionate.

    If you do a casual internet search you'll find lots of articles attempting to debunk father absence as a myth. Here's one such article:
    https://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/08/opinion/charles-blow-black-dads-are-doing-the-best-of-all.html

    But if you read that article it's clear how the author contradicts himself multiple times.

    “There are about 2.5 million black fathers living with their children and about 1.7 million living apart from them.”

    The quote above is supposed to be favorable to support the author's claims that black fathers are doing the best of all. But the numbers above make it clear that more than half of all black children living apart from there fathers.

    He continues to defend his argument by favorably quoting the author who refers to black men who have children with multiple mothers are "serial impregnators." Therefore insinuating that since it's impossible for black men to be in multiple places at the same time they are exempt from any accountability.

    He continues to use Ferguson, MO as a favorable example citing that roughly there are more than two black females for every one available black male. He explains that this is due to higher incarceration rates for blacks. But that's not a valid excuse that supports his stance. In can explain the problem but when people commit crimes and get caught they get apprehended. What does the author expect to happen? That these men get a slap on the wrist and told to behave and be released?

    Here is a video with Heather Mad Donald elaborating on some facts far too many people want to avoid or sweep under the carpet:



    It's not my intention to hijack this thread with crime statistics by race. But when you sit at your keyboard and want to blame whites for the problems that blacks today in current time face it doesn't add up. "White hatred of blacks?" That's so childish. People within a community are going to have to own up and admit to themselves and say, "Hey! Look at my own actions. I'm not treating others well. But I'm now goin
  • Happenis

    Posts: 608

    Jan 22, 2018 2:50 PM GMT
    ^^^ Don't even bother (as somebody else in this thread also recommended).

    He's a known race baiter (hence why he so quickly mentioned pregnant single mothers and crime rates in a thread about gay black dating).

    He completely denies the existence of discrimination. You can debate him all week long with facts, 'personal accounts' and basic logic but it'll just be a big waste of time.

    He's one of them stubborn close-minded types who think that blacks who so much as cite occurrences of discrimination are simply just whining, looking for a way for us to get "free stuff" and trying to make white people "feel bad". Pretty much your standard Fox News watcher..

    ..Moving along here
  • Hjalmar

    Posts: 110

    Jan 22, 2018 4:56 PM GMT
    Perhaps cypheravenue.com can help you best. It's aimed directly at blacks.