What do you do when an easy to change detail ruins a guy you would otherwise be very into?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 04, 2018 8:03 AM GMT
    A guy sends me a message: he demonstrates interest and he is my type, but there's a catch: he has a massive beard and I really hate big beards.

    Sure -- I can just express that I'm not interested and never mention why. He doesn't need to know. It would be selfish to think he has to conform to my standards just because he's interested. If he doesn't spontaneously match my standards, if he sees his big beard as one of his limbs, we are not meant to be.

    But let's not forget that we've had a lumbersexual fad and many guys who jumped on the bandwagon could just as easily jump off. To them the beard is nothing more than a way to gain a few dimes of erotic capital. I definitely wouldn't mind telling them that I prefer their beards trimmed, but I can't tell just by looking at a guy that his big beard is driven by the fad or if he sees it as one of the pillars of his identity.

    What do you do when an easy to change detail ruins a guy you would otherwise be very into?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 04, 2018 9:49 AM GMT
    If it's a deal breaker, then it is. Especially for someone you haven't even met. The odds of something working out with someone who's just "sent you an email "are so slight, that even to think that you migjt get him to change something about himself to please you, is really ridiculous. A big beard is a lot different than hair or eye color, or height. It's 3-dimensional, so it will be a big factor in physical intamacy. If you don't like them, you won't get used to it.
  • transient

    Posts: 463

    Feb 04, 2018 11:09 AM GMT
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 04, 2018 2:24 PM GMT
    Well, I have three big rules that will immediately disqualify a guy no matter what (I'm not sharing them here). As for your beard situation, I agree, I love scruff, but I don't want a hobo beard.
    You will have to find out why he has it that way. Is it a one time thing or has he always done it like that? If he has always done it like that, the chances are that even if he shaves it for you once, he will go back to it eventually and it will always bother you. You have to find that out. Just my recommendation.

    Posts: 1330

    Feb 04, 2018 3:54 PM GMT
    When you youngins get older, hopefully you'll
    look back and realize all the silly obstacles/rules
    you have imposed upon yourselves!? and maybe
    just maybe also realize why you have never found
    "the one" to enjoy a meaningful relationship with.

    Having said that I'm no stranger to superficiality!
    but unlike most I've taken advantage of the
    benefits in getting older! targeting the inner
    beauty of a person is one of the most difficult
    aspects of a true connection; what you youngens
    call "my type"

    As for me! it sure feels good and surprisingly
    very sexually satisfying having sex/making love
    to someone whose inner beauty will outlast his
    seemingly outer beauty/physical appearance,
    that usually has a lifespan of maybe 20 or 25
    gay years!?
  • 24hourguy

    Posts: 481

    Feb 04, 2018 6:11 PM GMT
    the only person I can change is me. on the other hand...what's the harm in having dinner?
  • bro4bro

    Posts: 2183

    Feb 04, 2018 7:16 PM GMT
    Meet him.
    See if you like him. If so, you can decide what to do about it.
    You can always say something like, "I've never been with a guy who has a Duck Dynasty beard before, not sure how that would be."
    His reaction will tell you if he's married to it.

    Posts: 1330

    Feb 04, 2018 8:11 PM GMT
    Do you guys know growing a bear is actually great for your face!? I once dated a school professor in college who shaved off his beard for me; and his skin felt so soft and smooth!!
  • mybud

    Posts: 14204

    Feb 04, 2018 8:55 PM GMT
    In my opinion its superficial on your part not to meet him and learn about his other redeeming qualities. A guy on here messaged me stating...You look better without the beard..Me?....NOCURR.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 05, 2018 3:47 AM GMT
    Yup. Meet him and see how it goes. Who know? He might change it sooner than later anyway.
  • mwolverine

    Posts: 5810

    Feb 05, 2018 6:39 AM GMT
    What if he asks you to grow a beard, too? (:

    Just show him some comparative pics:





    Shave the beard, before the fat lady sings...


  • Element1313

    Posts: 159

    Feb 05, 2018 7:35 AM GMT
    Why is so difficult for gay men to communicate? Stop being gay for a minute and tell him what you are thinking and what you have just shared with us. Just copy- paste it to him and see how he reacts. Life is for learning , stop being afraid to live.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2018 2:39 AM GMT
    Honest communication about your expectations is great... if only it worked. You walk a fine line expressing your preferences like that without sounding like an entitled primadona. Saying that to a guy who's married to his beard is fatal. It's like saying I would be your type if I got a tan. I completely accept and respect your preference, I don't feel insulted, but after you say that, it's over.

    I don't know how to walk that fine line. If my social skills are any indication, I will fuck up gloriously.

    This would be a non-issue 10 years ago. Now you don't know who takes his beard seriously and who is just an impostor. I would have no problems telling an impostor to buzz his beard and I have successfully done so. The only reason why I managed this was because they showed me several pics of them sporting different beard styles, which allowed me to express my preference in a very non-confrontational way: "you look really cute in this photo [in which your beard is short]" They got the message and showed up just like in the picture. It would be smart if all impostors adopted the same strategy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2018 5:13 AM GMT
    bachian said the beard is nothing more than a way to gain a few dimes of erotic capital.?

    lol love that line.

    It doesn't matter whether it's a fad for him or not. Meet up, get hold of his instagram or facebook, then tell him you love that clean shaven pic of his, even from waaay back (the beard didn't come out of nowhere). Gays have taken the masculinity out of beards long ago.

    I once broke up with a guy after he dyed his brown hair platinum blond. It wasn't the entire reason, or even most of it, but he knew I didn't like it, and later asked if that was the reason... I said "ok a smaallll part of it"

    There was another guy who decided to get fabulous with his hair after we started seeing each other... I strongly expressed preference for his old hair, to no avail. He chose his hair over me haha.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2018 5:28 AM GMT
    As others have said, it just gets down to honest communication. Assuming you have a genuine interest in this guy and want a sustained relationship with him, I wouldn't hesitate to say something like, "Look, from everything I've seen so far, you're a really great person, and I'm interested in exploring a relationship with you. But I need to be honest with you about something. I just really cannot turn on to guys with big beards."

    That doesn't even require a "sorry". While it may appear superficial, we don't choose the things that turn us off or on - they are hard-coded into us fairly early in our lives. If sex in a sustained, intimate relationship is important to you (and it should be), then he is simply not a match for you. At this point, a couple of things can happen:

    1) You may find out that he really doesn't give a shit about his beard, and is happy to shave it off.
    2) He cares about his beard, and you guys are great friends, but there's simply no sexual component to the relationship.
    3) The guy is pissed and tells you off. Better you find out now he doesn't deal well. And you haven't wasted each other's time.

    Posts: 1330

    Feb 06, 2018 5:50 AM GMT
    Just an observation, it seems ironic how as gays
    we should be proud of who we are/be ourselves;
    and the first thing we do is reject those who
    adhere to those same criterias!?

    When I was younger I fell for that superficiality, too!
    But now that I'm older and wiser know better. I have
    a very broad taste in men, and while I still have my
    personal preferences, the list have gotten shorter!
    Although there is one preference that is still top on
    my list; a good man is sooooooooo hard to find, and
    that is what attracts me most on a man. Sometimes
    I feel like the only gay man who is happy having sex
    because it feels good, not because it looks good!